Dr. Reality Steve returns with guest columnist Lisa, from the â€œBachelor: Romeâ€ with everyones favorite Bachelor, Lorenzo. Or not. Even Host Chris has admitted that Lorenzo wasnâ€™t one of their best Bachelors. Now, Iâ€™ve been doing Bachelor re-caps since Andrew Firestones season, and I can honestly say, Iâ€™ve gotten more emails from readers regarding Lisa than any other Bachelorette in history. So I figured before we get to the questions, I asked Lisa to address a couple of the things she was most known for, notably the wedding magazine that were at her house the day Lorenzo visited, and the wedding dress she tried on. And oh yeah, that whole biological clock thing. Lisa, the floor is yours, then onto the questionsâ€¦.
You all might remember me as the tree-hugging wedding dress-wearing bachelorette from The Bachelor – Rome. And I know that I came off as slightly wedding obsessed and little fanatical about a five-year plan of being married with kids by the age of thirty, but I can assure you that isnâ€™t the real me. Yes, I did have two wedding magazines in my home, but I also have copies of â€œRunners Worldâ€ and â€œThis Old Houseâ€, which doesnâ€™t mean that I plan on running a marathon or updating my kitchen anytime soon. Plus those magazines were at least 3 years old! And yes, I did try on a wedding dress in front of Lorenzo. But to set the record straight, I did not already own a dress nor did I know that my friend would be bringing one over. She was handed it about 5 minutes before knocking on my front door. However, I did put the dress on and I could have refused but I didnâ€™t think that it would be that big of a deal. Oops! Lorenzo knew that it was totally ridiculous and set-up and in the end it did not change his feelings towards me.
This past year has been quite the experience and I am honored to play guest advice columnist this week. To all the readers who submitted questions to Dr. Steve, I hope that you find my suggestions helpful!
1) Hi Dr. Reality Steve,
I’m hoping that maybe you can give me an outside opinion on this little “situation” I have found myself in. I have been casually seeing someone for the past few months. I say casually meaning, we probably see each other about once, maybe twice a week. Neither of us were wanting to jump into anything too serious so we’re having a good time with each other, but leaving it non-committed.
To give you just a bit of background, I am 28 years old, he is 25 and neither of us are virgins. Well, I feel like we have gotten to the point where we know each other fairly well, and we’re ready to take that next step in our physical relationship. Only thing is, the last few times that he has come over, he hasn’t brought any protection with him. The first time it came up, I asked him if he had any with him, he said no. I then told him that if he would have, we could have used it. He seemed disappointed so I figured for sure he’d bring something with him the next time he came over. Well, sure enough, he didn’t. I once again asked him and he said no, that he didn’t want to seem like a “prostitute bringing a condom over to my house”.
Why do you think this is? He knew he could get some if he brought protection. Is he just not wanting to take that step because he’s really not that into me and doesn’t want to lead me on? Or maybe he’s just not ready to take that step yet. I’m just confused by his behavior. I’ve never had this type of thing happen with a guy before. They’re usually the ones pushing me to take that next step. I know you may be thinking he’s gayâ€¦ But I honestly don’t think that’s the case. We have done everything else physical there is to do, except for take that final step. Although, he is what you would call metro-sexual. But I think he just likes to look good, which is fine by me. So, pushing the gay idea to the side, what are your other takes on this situation?
“Ready for the Big Bang!”
Reality Steve: Ummmâ€¦heâ€™s gay. Ha ha. Kidding. I think.
In a situation like this, where a female is asking me the male perspective on something that the male gender does, it is best that I take the situation in question, and apply it to my own life. Do some real soul searching and ask myself, â€œHave I ever been in this situation, and if so, how did I react?â€ I feel you can really get to the heart of the matter and come to a solid resolution by doing this. With that said, I can honestly say this has never happened to me and never will. Because Iâ€™m not gay.
We are men. A lot of the thoughts that twirl around in our head during the course of the day revolve around the female and her body parts and things to do with them. The fact that you told this douche in so many words, â€œHey buddyâ€¦bring the jimmy next time and youâ€™ll be getting someâ€ and he STILL didnâ€™t, raises a giant red flag. How can it not? If I had forgotten to bring protection, and she said that to me, before she got the â€œHey Buddyâ€¦â€ out of her mouth, I wouldâ€™ve made like the Flash and been back from liquor store before the blood flow had died down.
So honestly, I have no idea whatâ€™s wrong with this guy. Other than he likes guys. And over the course of the day, while us manly men are thinking about other women, this guy is probably TiVoâ€™ing â€œProject Runwayâ€, deciding when heâ€™s going to get his tips frosted, and making small talk with his friends about Jake Gyllenhaal.
Lisa: Dear â€œReady for the Big Bangâ€,
After reading your question a couple of times, a few things seem pretty clear. You have either met the first male on the planet who doesnâ€™t think with either head or he just isnâ€™t that into you.
If he wanted to have sex with you he would have probably gone to the nearest store and been back in five minutes. If a normal guy even thinks that there is a possibility that he is going to get some action he will come prepared or drive/bike/run to the store as fast as possible.
Disregarding the whole metro/gay thing, it seems like even if he didnâ€™t come prepared the first time he would have for sure come ready the next time, so Iâ€™m sad to say that he just might just not be that into you (which is weird because most guys will gladly have sex with girls that they arenâ€™t that into).
So you have a couple of options. Give him a third chance, but three strikes youâ€™re out and then you need to move on. Or buy some condoms yourself and see what happens. If that still doesnâ€™t work, you might want to try introducing him to your gay cousin, neighbor, co-worker, or hairdresser with the realization that every girl needs a gay friend and you have found your perfect match!
Reality Steve Note: Something Lisa just said struck a nerve with me. She states that, â€œMost guys will gladly have sex with girls they arenâ€™t that intoâ€. And Iâ€˜d like to set the record straight and say that couldnâ€™t be further from the truth. And when I say â€œfurther from the truthâ€, I mean â€œwithout a doubt, 100% accurateâ€. So Iâ€™ve heard. From other friends who have done that sort of thing.
2) Dear Reality Steve,
Love your column!! I am also glad that the doctor is back because I have a question that definitely needs the male perspective. I am in my mid-30’s (36 to be exact) and married to a wonderful 41 year old man. This is my second marriage and he puts my ex to shame. My husband cooks, cleans, shops, and does the laundry. Our only issue is sexual. I have always had a high sex drive, but it’s increasing even more. Unfortunately, my husband’s drive is decreasing. When we do have sex, it is out of this world! I just want it more. I cannot fathom any form of self-pleasure so that is out of the question – besides, why should I have to do that when I have a warm, though unwilling, body next to mine? Please advise if there is something I am missing or need to do.
Horny in Minnesota
Reality Steve: I have a real problem with this email. Mainly, the fact that your husband â€œcooks, cleans, shops, and does the laundry.â€ WHAT? They make guys like that? Next thing youâ€™ll tell me is he actually listens to what you have to say. Wow. This oneâ€˜s definitely a keeper. Just tell him to turn in his man card the next time the boys go out for drinks and he decides to stay at home folding sheets and baking cookies.
This is also the 2nd or 3rd email Dr. Reality Steve has gotten, where a woman past her 40â€™s is talking about her sex drive being through the roof, but sheâ€™s with a man who canâ€™t match her level. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I mean, is this what I have to look forward to? Low sex drive? Isnâ€™t the saying that men reach their sexual peak a lot earlier than women? Like, in our twenties, whereas, women donâ€™t hit their peak until their thirties? That really bothers me. We may have hit our peak in our twenties, but speaking for myself, Iâ€™ve been peaking since I peaked. If that made any sense whatsoever. Basically what Iâ€™m trying to say is Iâ€™m as much a horn dog now as I was when I was fresh out of college. Hell, you people have read my column. I think that supports what I just said, doesnâ€™t it?
Thereâ€™s a problem here though. You say the sex is out of this world, yet its not happening as frequent as you like. Well, I think you and your husband have a different definition of â€œout of this worldâ€. I canâ€™t imagine if it was out of this world for him, itâ€™d be happening as infrequently as you say it is. You need to sit down, tell him to take off his apron, put down the neatly folded clothes, and listen to what you have to say. You want more sex, and heâ€™s your only option. If heâ€™s not willing to keep up his end of the bargain, youâ€™ll be forced to find it other places. If that doesnâ€™t scare him into sex, nothing will.
Lisa: Dear Horny in Minnesota,
Have you and your husband talked about this issue? I think that is the first step. The second step might be that he should see a doctor about his decreasing sex drive. I hear that they make a great blue pill these days for this type of thing. Another possibility would be for the two of you to see a sexual therapist. It seems like he is invested in all other aspects of your relationship so there is either an emotional or physical issue that the two of you need to work outâ€¦ together.
PSâ€¦ Victoriaâ€™s Secret has some great lace numbers on sale right now.
Reality Steve Note: Victoriaâ€™s Secret has yet to come out with a product that I donâ€™t approve of. We need more Victoriaâ€™s Secret in this world, and less Starbucks. I think I should be a spokesperson for VS.
3) Hey, Steve,
First, let me say that I love, love, love your column. Now, on to my dilemma. Over the spring, and most of the summer, I dated this guy who seemed to be perfect. Actually, I’ll back up, and tell you that I met him at my high school reunion, and even though we’d never run in the same social circle in school, we really it it off at the reunion. Anyways, we talked pretty much every day for two months and he even drove the 45 minute-distance to see me numerous times (and we’re talking about NYC traffic and parking). Things seemed to be going great–until I made the mistake in August of introducing him as my boyfriend to one of my friends. Guess what? He ran for the hills.
Although I called him several times over the next few weeks, he never responded, except with a cryptic text message that said something like, “I’m not ignoring you babe I’m just sacred [his spelling, not mine] have a good night darling.” This was at 1:30 am on a Sunday night/ Labor Day morning, so I’m assuming he was drunk when he sent it. Although I know I shouldn’t be calling him so often (and I will be checking out that book Alexis recommended), I’m really, really baffled. I mean, I know he (kind of) did give me an explanation for why he bolted, but I feel as though he took the coward’s way out in ending our relationship. Is an appearance in person/ phone call too much to ask? And why
do guys do that kind of thing, anyways?
Apologies for making this so long, but thanks!
Reality Steve: Letâ€™s first point out the fact that for all you people out there who have yet to believe in the power of Dr. Reality Steve, Katherine just told us that she will be purchasing the book that Alexis recommended last week. Not only is this column blowing up worldwide, but itâ€™s also selling product now. Youâ€™re welcome, authors of â€œItâ€™s Called a Break-Up Because itâ€™s Brokenâ€. There. Another plug.
You ask whether or not an appearance in person or a phone is too much to ask. Under normal circumstances, the answer would be â€œnoâ€. But since this guy couldâ€™ve qualified for the 2007 Douchebag of the Year Award (great skit, SNL), then yeah, that is asking a little too much. See, when youâ€™re a D-bag, telling people the truth, acting like a grown adult, and common courtesy are things you just donâ€™t relate to. Hence the reason this guy bolted the minute you introduced him as your boyfriend.
I like the fact that this guy says, â€œIâ€™m not ignoring you babeâ€ in a text message, even though he hadnâ€™t had any contact with you since you announced to the world he was your boyfriend. Youâ€™re not ignoring her, huh? Hmmm, couldâ€™ve fooled me. I think itâ€™s safe to say thereâ€™s no saving this relationship, and thatâ€™s probably a good thing. He definitely chickened out by the way he ended things with you, but thereâ€™s a simple explanation for it. He couldnâ€™t have his cake and eat it too. You see, once Mr. Player here became your â€œboyfriendâ€ in your eyes, that means he couldnâ€™t continue banging other women on the side without feeling guilty. So of course the â€œboyfriendâ€ thing scared him off. I donâ€™t know you at all Katherine, but Iâ€™m sure youâ€™re better off without someone like this. Heâ€™s a player, always has been, always will be. Now quit calling him. If anything, thatâ€™s turning him off even more.
Lisa: Dear Katherine,
Stop calling him. Donâ€™t text him. Become unavailable. If he resurfaces, give him another chance but be on your guard. If he ran once, he will probably do it again. And it seems like he has some major issues with the idea of an actual relationship so he obviously isnâ€™t ready to be in one. If he doesnâ€™t try to connect with you then it is his lose and I am sure that you will meet someone fabulous who doesnâ€™t mind if you call him your boyfriend.
Reality Steve Note: See. Great minds think alike. I think Lisa and I should write a book entitled, â€œListen To Us, Weâ€™re Always Right: Lifeâ€™s Lessons from the Greatest Guy Ever and Lorenzoâ€™s Exâ€.
4) Dear Dr. Reality Steve,
I’m a divorcee having an affair with a married man. I know he loves me more than her and he will leave her. He said so. I have asked my friends if I should push him to leave her NOW but some of those friends have turned on me. I thought my friends would support me but only a few do. I am surprised at how vicious some of them have become towards me.
Trust me, they have hearts of gold and they know he and I are perfect for each other. I am 45 and a teenager told me I’m a MILF once. Do you think that these friends of mine who have turned on me are just jealous? Most of them are overweight and in bad marriages
What can I do to get him to leave his wife sooner? And shouldn’t my closest friends support me in this matter?
Thanks in advance,
Reality Steve: This reminds of when Valerie Malone on â€œ90210â€ started dating the married guy with kids, Kelly found out about it, confronted Valerie on it, told her to stop doing it, but Valerie didnâ€™t listen and even made up that she was pregnant, andâ€¦.I could go on. Letâ€™s just hope Kelly doesnâ€™t go to the â€œIâ€™m pregnantâ€ card once Mr. Wonderful decides not to leave his wife.
Kelly, I hope youâ€™re prepared to hear what I have to say. Youâ€™re not gonna like it, but, Iâ€™m here to help. And educate. And entertain. Ok, so where do I begin?
â€œI know he loves me more than her and he will leave herâ€ – Really? And you know this how? Oh, because he told you he would. Yeah, Iâ€™m guessing that phrase has been uttered once or a thousand times by a married man having an affair. Of course heâ€™s telling you that. If he didnâ€™t, then you wouldnâ€™t have any hope and youâ€™d stop having sex with him. Which is obviously something he doesnâ€™t want.
Why are you mad at your friends because theyâ€™re not supporting you having an affair with a married man? Arenâ€™t they just being friends? I think youâ€™re anger with them, lashing out saying theyâ€™re â€œoverweight and in bad marriagesâ€ is stemming from the fact youâ€™re upset your man hasnâ€™t left his wife yet. What does them being overweight and in bad marriages have to do with supporting you in your affair? Thereâ€™s no connection that I see there.
What makes you think you and this man are perfect for each other? He sounds like a slime ball to me if heâ€™s cheating on his wife. And you being a MILF because a teenager told you so, yet again, I donâ€™t see where that statement has any relevance to your situation. Why would your friends be jealous? Because youâ€™re being a home wrecker? Whereâ€™s the jealousy in that?
I think your friends are the ones being logical here, not you. Iâ€™m not going to offer any advice on how to get him to leave his wife sooner because the whole situation is just wrong. If he actually leaves his wife one day, and you think youâ€™re a match made in heaven, then fine, go after him then. And then when he cheats on you (because he will), just remember the feeling, because thatâ€™s what his wife will be going through once he finds out whatâ€™s going between you two. And it wonâ€™t be pretty.
Lisa: Dear Kelly,
I think that I have seen this same storyline in about a dozen books and made-for-TV movies and in the end the guy never leaves his wife or he does leave her and it usually ends up really bad for both the cheating husband and the mistress. Your friends are probably disappointed that you are choosing to disregard the sanctity of marriage. If you want a husband or even a boyfriend, you need to go find your own. Plus, why would you want to be in a relationship with a known cheater? If he did it once, he will probably do it again.
5) Dear Steve,
I’m gonna make this short and to the point. I’m about as openly sexual a girl as you’ll find, as are most of my friends. I’m 26, have been in numerous relationships, some good, some bad, but I just can’t seem to find the right guy. They all have boyfriends, and I don’t. I’m wondering if my promiscuity has anything to do with it, since I tend to sleep with my man rather early on, and honestly, sometimes I just get bored. Should I try holding off on the sex or just keep doing what I’m doing and maybe I won’t get get bored as quick? Please help!
Reality Steve: Anna, I think you should take it to another level and whore it up even more than youâ€™re doing now. I wouldnâ€™t even wait til the end of the first date. Guys totally respect that. Theyâ€™ll never look at you as someone whoâ€™s easy if you give it up to them within the first hour of meeting them. And theyâ€™ll always call you back when you want them to, theyâ€™ll never cancel plans on you, and almost always, youâ€™ll be the first one they call when they want to have a meaningful, deep conversation with someone.
Thereâ€™s something to be said for Anna, since at least she admits that sex pretty much runs the relationship in the early going. Good for her. Just know that at some point, you may actually have to start talking to your man and liking him for something other than his sexual abilities. I know its hard to comprehend, but, just try. Try scheduling a night together where the two of you have zero physical contact. No touching, no kissing, no nothing. Then when that turns into a complete disaster and you realize you have nothing in common with him, dump him, and move on to the next guy. But at least give the guy youâ€™re leaving some going away sex. Itâ€™s only fair.
Lisa: Dear Anna,
Sounds like what you are doing isnâ€™t working so I think it is time to try something new. With the next guy that you are interested in, try to keep things out of the bedroom for a while and get to know him on an emotional level instead of just a physical one. Those are the relationships that tend to last and that are usually the most fulfilling. If all of your friends have boyfriends, think of how many friends their boyfriends have that could have dating potential. Iâ€™d start there and see what happens.
Thanks again to Lisa for her advice this week. It was much appreciated. Weâ€™ll definitely bring her back at some point. Still donâ€™t know whoâ€™s doing next week, but regardless, get your emails in to firstname.lastname@example.org. And pass the Dr. Reality Steve word on to your friend. This column is blowing up nationwide, Iâ€™m telling you. Trust me. Weâ€™re goinâ€™ places, baby.