-Let’s immediately get to some Bachelor related news, since there are four things to cover. One of which was awesome, until someone decided to delete it off You Tube. More on that in a second. The first order of business is that this week’s guest columnist on “Dr. Reality Steve” is none other than Michele Leavy, the bachelorette dumped in the 2nd episode by Brad because she fell down the stairs and almost paralyzed herself. New Jersey chick, big Bon Jovi fan, c’mon, you all remember her. How can you not? Let me assure you that Michele is fine from her fall, but she’ll explain there was a lot more to that fall than what was shown on TV. Really? You mean the editing toyed with that? No way! Yes, Michele is fine, living comfortably back in Jersey wearing her stone wash jeans, teasing her bangs, and spraying cans of Aqua Net in her hair. So be sure to check out her answers to some of the looney questions that came in this week. Reality Steve is now a huge fan of Michele’s bodyâ€¦.of work. Great answers.
-Also come to find out today that our very own Host Chris wants to be on “Dancing with the Stars”. He told the New York Post in an interview he’d “do it in a heartbeat”, but that ABC won’t cast him because “they said it would be awkward if I was on a show that led into my own show.” No, what would be awkward is seeing you dance. This is “Dancing with the Stars”, you realize that, don’t you Chris? It’s a dancing competition, it’s not a contest to see who can read cue cards the best. ABC is being too technical about this. Who cares if he’s on a show that leads into his? Does it really matter? It’s not like he would win. Sabrina is a Cheetah girl on the Disney channel, that’s owned by ABC. Doesn’t seem to be much conflict there. I’m starting an online petition now titled “Let Chris Dance!”, I want everyone to sign it, and I’m gonna march it up to the steps of ABC myself. Ok, maybe not.
-Our 2nd order of business deals with our Phoenix Suns cheerleader Jenni. Someone got a hold of her resume and put it online. Very impressive. Here it is:
I like the “Diddy’s” featured dancer at the 2005 MTV Awards. Uh oh. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. He hit that. Plain and simple. Also, the fact that she’s been a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, a Miami Heat dancer, and is now a Phoenix Suns dancer makes me think she likes moving around a bit, which is something that Brad doesn’t seem too fond of. She’s done a lot of stuff. A lot. Like I said last week, the show is already portraying her as the winner with all the camera time they give her and seeing how many times her and Brad make out. Something tells me this ultimately might lead to her downfall. And if Brad does pick her, this career of hers will certainly get in the way and they’ll be over within a couple months. She’s definitely on this show to add to resume, that’s fairly obvious.
-And the best news surrounds Sheena. There was a You Tube video that went up last week entitled “Happy Birthday Sheena”. It was bout 4 minutes long, and was a video tribute of Sheena and her “boyfriend”. Might have been her ex, might have been her current boyfriend, who knows? But it was basically a 4 minute video montage with still pictures and videos set to music of Sheena and her “boyfriend” together. And it was classic. Looked like it basically chronicled their whole relationship together. Pictures from everywhere, then once in a while it morphed into a live video from them skiing, or at an amusement park, really good, cheesy stuff. Problem is, when I went to go look at it again, the video had been taken down, so make of that what you will. That obviously wasn’t supposed to get out, but it did, someone found out about it, and yanked it off the internet. Damn. I wanted to watch it again. How touching. So just know that Sheena either just broke up with a boyfriend, still has a boyfriend, or had a boyfriend before the show but doesn’t anymore. I’m gonna go with “still has a boyfriend”, since it’ll make for a much juicier column. Sorry Sheena. That’s what you get for that video getting out there. Onto last nightâ€¦
-Host Chris, fresh off practicing the Samba, tells us there will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. Bettina gets the first 1-on-1 and it’s a gondola ride. I think the gondola ride has become one of ABC’s go-to dates. Seems like there’s one every season. Probably because when you go under a bridge, you’re supposed to kiss. Except if you’re Bettina. Bettina: “Every time I see Brad, the more and more I fall in love with him. But I’ve been brought up to play hard to get, so if he wants any of this ass, he’s gonna have to work a little harder for it.” Or something like that. Bettina is a tough little cookie to break. She keeps telling Brad how much she likes him, how much fun she has with him, blah blah blah, but when it comes to anything physical, she’s a giant prude. I guess she could be commended for that. It’s just that, well, on this show, no one wants to see you playing hard to get. It sucks, it’s boring, and it’s probably gonna get you booted. Brad isn’t going to be your husband if you won’t let him touch you. So give it up already. There’s only a few episodes left.
-But I’ll be damned if Brad isn’t trying his hardest to get some. Brad: “Have you dated since your divorce?” Translation: Have you turned as cold as a fish since your marriage fell apart? I think Bettina said she had dated since her divorce, but also informed him that first base was as far as anyone got. Because mommy and daddy raised her to be a huge tease. That’s good parenting. I was actually beginning to feel sorry for Brad. He rolled out with at least 10 compliments in a row and you could see the impatience seeping through the television set. I thought he was going to pull his hair out. Or even cut the date short and tell Mr. Gondola guy in the mime shirt and gay hat to stop the ride so he could get out to punch his clown. I sure would’ve. This is a dating show missie. He’s here to find his wife, not play footsie all night long. Other than Bettina’s divorce, her parents hating Brad next week, and her reluctance to even look at him in a sexual way, I think these two are well on their way to marital bliss.
-Basically, their whole date started to revolve around the fact that they were moving about as slow as two humans could possibly move. He asked her, “Are you nervous?”, which is another way of him saying, “What the hell is going on here? Jenni’s had no problem mauling my tongue every time I see her, and I can’t get you to even lean on me.” At this point, Brad’s frustration is through the roof, but instead of losing his cool, he goes Mr. B.S. on us and tells us basically, “Hey, she’s starting to open up a bit, I wanted to be there just to listen and to be there for her.” Gotta hand it to you, Brad. I would’ve jumped overboard by this point. Or started drinking so heavily, that I’d be immune to this 4th grade behavior she’s pulling. Be there just to listen? Are you serious? Next thing you’ll tell us is you care about her feelings and are interested in comforting her in times of need. Wow. I don’t know what to say, other than, good luck with that.
-So the group date is Dididididididi, Kristy, Sillary, and Jenni. Which was basically just one final attempt for the show to give us the gratuitous shots of Brad with his shirt off and the girls in bikini’s. They were chicken fighting in the pool, they went on the slip-n-slide, we got to see Didididididididi’s giant legs and ass, good times all around. Boy, she’s built like a truck downstairs. Anyway, all of them seemed to be having a great time being drunk and wet. And when I say “them”, I mean Brad, Didididididi, Jenni, and Silly. We never saw Kristy jump in the pool, nor go on the slip-n-slide. She basically sat at the edge trying to get some sun on her pale body. I mean, if there were ever a show where there was a 100% guarantee on who was going home, this was it. Could ABC have focused any less on Kristy this episode? We barely heard her speak, and they made it perfectly clear she didn’t want to join in any reindeer games they were playing at the pool party. What a social misfit. She didn’t want to play at the improv, now she can’t even have fun a pool party? I think SNL has found a female to play Debbie Downer if they ever want to revive that skit. It’s Kristy. Kristy, you’re no fun. Go home. And take your ball with you.
-The pool party is also where we get to see a side of Sillary that, frankly, I was quite amused by. Let’s just say she has the mouth of a drunken sailor once you get some alcohol in her. Only in the unedited version of this episode will ever to get to hear exactly what she said, but thanks to the magic of TiVo, I was able to rewind it a few times to try and lip read something of things she said over what was being beeped out. And here’s some of the things I know that she said. “I would let him ravish meâ€¦.clothes offâ€¦.bend overâ€¦.like slap my ass a couple timesâ€¦.call it a day.” Now that’s a woman. You go, Hillary. We need more of that on this show and less of your mascara running down your face after crying for three hours straight. So, he keeps Bettina who acts like he has coodies when she’s around him, but dumps Sillary who openly admits to wanting to be treated like his sex slave? Go figure. I think to be fair to all parties, Brad should’ve been able to view the tape of Sillary telling us what she wanted Brad to do to her before he made his decision.
-But Sillary Hillary Dock isn’t done. She’s gonna get right to the bottom of this with Brad. Can’t fault her for wanting answers. Especially on a show where all get is a bunch of canned answers, and everyone tip-toeing around what’s really going on. Sillary: “I have a blunt question for you: How do you feel about me right now?” Brad: “Uhhhhâ€¦.errâ€¦.beautifulâ€¦.errâ€¦.funâ€¦uhhhâ€¦.sweetâ€¦.niceâ€¦kindâ€¦.have a great time with youâ€¦.best friendâ€¦..BUT, (there’s always a but), I need to figure out if there’s any romantic feelings beyond you being a great friend.” Translation: You’ve officially been thrown into the friend category, but I don’t want to tell you this right now while we’re on this raft in the pool because you might try and drown me. You’d think Brad would easily be able to fend her off and could drown her if he wanted to, but I’m guessing she’s impossible to drown because of those two flotation devices strapped to the front of her chest. Her and Sheena are battling for nicestâ€¦smiles in the house. Yeah, that’s it. Smiles.
-Back at the mansion, the final date box arrives for Sheena, who has the other solo date. The box gave some clues as to what the date would be about, but Sheena had trouble figuring it out. And Bettina hates her. Bettina: “Sheena’s just youngâ€¦not ready for marriage or the idea of it.” Apparently neither were you, Bettina. Last time I checked, your marriage lasted a year and you did it when you were young. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Just because your boyfriend didn’t put a video montage of your relationship together up on You Tube, doesn’t mean you have to hate on Sheena. Damn it. You don’t know how pissed I am that thing got taken down. Maybe some of you saw it, but I’m guessing most of you didn’t. One of the finest four minutes you’ll ever see. Especially when the video is made for someone who’s in the final four of a dating show and has a legitimate shot to win.
-To wrap things up at the pool party, here’s what went down. They didn’t show two seconds of Brad and Kristy Downer alone, probably because she was off sulking somewhere while everyone else was eating cake, wearing party hats, and throwing confetti in the air. Kristy apparently avoids fun like it’s the plague. Didididididididi got some alone time with Brad on some lawn chairs, but it was in full view of where Jenni and Sillary were sitting, so Brad did the respectful thing and didn’t make out with her in front of them. So what does he do next? Drops Dididididididi back off with the other girls, asks if he could borrow Jenni for a minute, they go around the corner where no one can see them, and make out on a hammock. Now that’s what I’m talking about Brad. Can’t make out with one of them, go try someone else. Brad is a smart one, I tell ya. And oh yeah, the minute Brad took Jenni around the corner, every girl there knew they were about to tongue wrestle. This is where we saw the beginning of the end of Sillary. She was a wreck that Brad was making out with Jenni and not with her. It was only a sign of things to come.
-So it was time for Brad and Sheena’s solo date. I hope her boyfriend didn’t throw anything at the TV while watching this last night. From what I saw in the video, he and Sheena never had a date like this. Once again, Brad reiterates to us that his brother Chad loved Sheena, and his brothers opinion means the world to him. We know. We get it. I’m beginning to think Chad wants Sheena more than Brad does. Seems to me he’s basically telling us, “Look, I never looked twice at Sheena until my brother told me to. Now I notice what a nice set ofâ€¦.eyes she has. Yeah, eyes. And I think I’d like to get to know themâ€¦errrâ€¦.her better.” The more he tells us how much his brother liked her, the less I think he likes her. It’s like he had to justify his brother who didn’t look anything like him being on the show. How about making your own decisions, Brad? Do you guys share everything? Oh wait, don’t answer that. I think I already know the answer.
-So Brad picks Sheena up and both are dressed very casual, and that’s because Brad has some surprises in store for Sheena. First is, once they arrive a mansion, there are six dresses on mannequins and she gets to choose which one to wear. Needless to say, Sheena was surprised and let out an “OH MAYE GASH!!!!!” Huh? When did Sheena pick up a Minnesota accent? She’s from freakin’ Walnut Creek. I don’t know anybody in No Cal that talks like that. Does Sheena ice fish too? Does she pronounce “about” as “a boat”? Is she a big fan of the Minnesota Timberwolves “Or-gan-EYE-zation”? That accent caught me completely off guard. Walnut Creek my ass. Someone find out her true hometown so I don’t have to. And someone go check on her boyfriend to see if he’s injured himself after watching her date last night. I’m worried about that guy.
-So Sheena puts on the red dress because it undoubtedly accentuates herâ€¦.eyes, yet again. She really knows how to pick those dresses, man. So as we saw in the previews, she comes down the stairs, Brad’s waiting at the bottom looking up at her giantâ€¦.flowing hair, and then Sheena proceeds to fall on her ass. Although if you ask her, that’s not what she fell on. “I fell flat on my face. I hope I didn’t blow it.” Huh? Her feet came out from under her and she stumbled onto her butt for a few seconds. She’s acting like she cracked her skull or broke her nose. Is she drunk right now? Where are the paramedics? I guess they’re still attending to Michele’s broken neck and bee sting.
-You know what bothered me the most about this date? Brad kept telling us about all the surprises he had in store for Sheena, and was so excited to give her a pair of Chopard diamond earrings shaped like a heart. Yet, he’s playing it off like he thought of it all, everything was put together by him, and he paid for it. Granted, Brad might be our first self-made millionaire in Bachelor history, but I’m guessing he didn’t fork over that kinda cake for Chopard diamond earrings on a chick that his brother had to talk him into keeping around. Please. No Brad, you didn’t buy Sheena a pair of earrings, ABC did. And Brad, you didn’t buy six dresses for her to choose, ABC did. Frankly, you didn’t do sh** other than show up. Did he actually think we’d believe everything was his idea? Please. By the way, Sheena’s boyfriend was at home tightening the noose while this date was happening. He couldn’t have been thrilled about this. Essentially Brad just mentally made love to this guy’s girlfriend on national television, while he sits at home and stews over it.
-Their fairy tale date continues as they sit down for drinks surrounded by a bunch of black and white balloons. Ok, ok. So maybe Brad did help out and pick out the balloons. Maybe he even blew them up. Brad drops the “Why are you single?” line on Sheena. Oh Brad, if you only knew. Who says she is? Sheena’s answer: “I’m incredibly picky, and believe it or not, really shy.” Brad then followed that with something from the heart. “I just want you to know that there’s not one fake thing about meâ€¦I stutter when I’m around you guys, I repeat myself a lot, I’m very self-conscious, I’m nervousâ€¦.this is so real, yet so quick.” This is real? Really? I could’ve sworn this show was fake, edited, manipulated, and a complete fantasy land. But hey, if Brad says it’s real, I gotta believe him. There’s not one fake thing about him, so why would he lie about this? And just to give an update, when Sheena told Brad she’s very picky and that she’s shy, her boyfriend slit his wrists.
-Ok, it’s getting creepy now. For the 1000th time, Brad just thanked his brother for introducing him to Sheena. “I’m so thankful to Chad. This girl is solid.” Is silicone considered a solid in the world of chemistry? Can’t remember. Anyway, yes Brad, she is solid. Very solid. I hope you don’t get the wrong impression here, I’m a fan of Sheena. Probably my favorite one left. I’m just awfully amused on how the boyfriend video is on You Tube one day, then taken down the next. Let the conspiracy theories begin. Anyway, these twos date is still going. I think it lasted half the show. After drinks and kicking all the balloons out of the way, it’s time for a nice slow dance while the mini orchestra plays. Sheena is impressed. “You’re a good dancer.” Huh? It’s a slow dance. How can you screw that up? You waddle back and forth very slowly and try not to step on her toes. That makes him a good dancer? It’s not like he’s crunking out there on the dance floor. He’s barely moving. If she thinks Brad is a good dancer, wait til she gets a load of me. That’s assuming of course, that Sheena and I ever slow dance. Which’ll be never. Just know I’m better.
-Back at the mansion, Sheena finally returns home from the date that never ends, and tells Jenni and Bettina all about her fairy tale date. Bettina isn’t too thrilled saying that her date was boring compared to that. She gets up and leaves in a huff, and Jenni and Sheena gossip to the cameras. Jenni insinuates that Bettina isn’t here for the right reasons. Because, you know, that would really offend Jenni, since Jenni is no doubt here to find love. Even on her resume, you can clearly see that she has no interest in being on more TV shows and getting her name out there. She is here to find a husband, so she can quit chasing a bunch of NBA players around, and can settle down in Austin, Texas, where she’s always wanted to live. You can tell by how many times she’s stayed in one place in her career. She’s totally ready to move to Austin. And by â€œtotally ready”, I mean “not even close to being ready”. I think we’ve found the chink in Jenni’s armor.
-It’s time for the women to make one final impression on Brad before the rose ceremony. Uh oh. Sheena has written Brad a poem. In the history of this show, poems have NEVER gone well. Ever. But Sheena’s gonna give a try anyway. Here goes nothing:
I love your laugh, your smile, your touch, and the moles that run up your arm,
The patch of blonde hair on your ears, your goals, and most of all, your charm,
Its weird that I just met you, and I don’t know if we’re meant to be,
I do know, every time you leave, it’s you I want to see,
So cheers to the sweetest guy I know, and good luck in this journey to come,
I hope I get to stick around, cuz’ I know we’d have lots of fun.
Brad: “Ummmâ€¦I’m speechless. Can I keep it?” So am I. What was that? I’ll give Sheena an “A” for effort. At least she tried. She just gets an “F” for content. The moles that run up his arm? The patch of blonde hair on his ears? This is supposed to be romantic? Why not just talk about the sleep in his eyes? Or the way he blows his nose? “Every time you leave, it’s you I want to see?” Well, I sure hope it is considering he’s the only guy on the show. Host Chris is married, and so is Chad. Although, I’m guessing Chad wouldn’t mind being married to you since he can’t stop talking about you. I guess poems can be cute, but that’s only if you can actually write something worth reading. Let’s be honest, that was crap. “I don’t know if we’re meant to be?” Gee, way to instill confidence in yourself and Brad’s future.
-Dididididididi gets her alone time with Brad and admits she’s looking damn fine in her dress. “My butt looks good in this too.” Brad: “I know it does. Don’t get me started on your little butt.” Correction, big butt. In fact, let’s call it a ba-donk-a-donk. There is nothing little about Dididididididi from the waist down, I’m sorry. Why it took us five episodes to find this out, I have no idea. But let’s just say I was a little surprised. I never got the impression Didididididididididi was carrying junk in her trunk, but I guess I was wrong. “She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck, Thighs like what, what, what, Baby move your butt, butt, buttâ€¦.Let me see that thongâ€¦.” I think I can safely say that is the last time I will ever quote a Sisqo song in this column. Thank god.
-Jenni confronts Bettina about what she said last night about being bored on her date. Bettina said she was joking, which came across about as convincing as Sheena’s ex not still being madly in love with her, so much so that he’s posting Happy Birthday videos on You Tube. Or whoever it was. I’m guessing only her and him had access to that video, so I can’t imagine who else would do it. Bettina: “I didn’t mean it the way it came outâ€¦I meant it completely different.” Ummm, like how? You said, â€œMy date was boring compared to yours”, how else could that be taken? I’m sure on the “Women Tell All” episode, she’ll blame the editing, as everyone does. And speaking of the “Women Tell All” episode, I’m going to be in L.A. the week that thing is taped, I believe. Someone needs to get me front row tickets to that mess.
-Bettina gets some alone time with Brad and starts to open up a little moreâ€¦she actually lets him hold her hand! Stop the presses! “I knew by the end of our date, I wanted to kiss you, and I wanted your hands on meâ€¦â€¦but I continue to play the role of the prude on this show, and you’re gonna have to wait.” Getting a kiss from Bettina is equivalent to ordering a bowl of soup from the Soup Nazi. If not done perfectly, you ain’t getting shi**.
-Now is the time where the Sillary meltdown begins to unfold. Brad wants to be honest with her and tell her she’s a just friend. Brad: “This girl is just a friend. How can I relay that to someone who won’t listen to a word I’m saying?” I hear ya’, pal. Although, his explanation to her seemed like a very roundabout way of telling her he only saw her as a friend. The minute she shot back with, “Well, I definitely think you’re a great friend, but I could also see you as my lover, my husband, the father of my children, the provider, my Lord, my saviorâ€¦..”, he should’ve just shut her up and said, “Look Tits McGee, I don’t like you like that. You’re Silly Hillary, my best friend. Not my wife. You never will be my wife so get that through your head. Now excuse me as I have four other potential ex-girlfriends waiting in the other room. And do something about that hideous dress that is pushing your boobs up to under your chin.” If I were Hillary’s breasts, I would’ve felt like hell all night long shoved into that dress the way they were. Doesn’t that hurt? Forget it. I don’t need to know.
-Rose ceremony time. Brad: “From Day oneâ€¦..most important thing in a relationship is family and friendsâ€¦.can’t wait to meet yoursâ€¦.except Bettina, I’m not looking forward to having your mom question my resume. And Sheena, tell your mom to lay off the sauceâ€¦.”
Dididididi:“Baby got backâ€¦.LA face with the Oakland bootyâ€¦.”
Jenni:She can now add, “Made it to final four of the â€˜Bachelor’ to her resume”. That should definitely get her another Home Depot commercial if you ask me.
Sheena:Why can I just see her boyfriend coming to her house, calling out to her as she comes to the window, as he stands there with a boom box over his head? “In your eyesâ€¦.the light the heatâ€¦.in your eyesâ€¦I am completeâ€¦”
“Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready. In the meantime, I’ll be practicing the Viennese Waltz over in the corner.”
Bettina:She is definitely here for the right reasons. And that is to find another ex-husband. Good luck.
-So there’s no doubt that the ABC hype machine was in full effect. Every single promo they ran for the last week showed us Sillary’s meltdown. Now, was it a meltdown? Yes. But was it as bad as they made it seem? I didn’t think so. Nothing we saw last night was nothing we hadn’t seen in the commercials. She just dragged on forever and would not stop crying. And her makeup looked like hell. I don’t think Brad had even gotten the “B-uh” sound in “Bettina” out before Sillary started welling up at the Rose Ceremony. So she gets the boot, goes outside, and tells us why she’s crying. In no particular order, I just wrote everything down I remember her saying. “I can’t breatheâ€¦.this sucksâ€¦everything happens for a reasonâ€¦I don’t understand what those reasons areâ€¦I can’t do thisâ€¦.Why are you sending me home?â€¦I’m falling for you and you’re sending me homeâ€¦.meeting my familyâ€¦.shaking my dad’s handâ€¦.” On and on and on this went. Let’s be honest and just say that Sillary is pretty emotionally disturbed. And I don’t think I’m going out on a limb in saying that she’s probably had some major relationship issues in the past. And will have in the future. Good Lord, get a hold of yourself woman. That was embarrassing.
-And oh yeah, Kristy Downer got eliminated to and we never even heard one word from her on her elimination. Probably a good thing since I’m sure she would’ve brought the house down with all those cheerful insights she has. Next week, Brad meets families. Always one of my favorite episodes of the season. Sheena’s mom is a nut job by continuously saying, “She’s the one. I don’t know if she’s YOUR one, but she’s the one.” Uhhh, ok mom. Didididididi has a Greek family reunion that Brad feels about as comfortable in as any non-Greek would, which is to say, not at all. Bettina’s family hates him, and Jenni puts on a dance routine for him. This I cannot wait to see.
-Continue reading as our Dr. Reality Steve column returns with guest columnist Michele Leavy, who was eliminated just a couple weeks ago by Brad. She tells the full story behind her tumbling down the stairs, gives her insight on what women with big boobs should do, and also gives us a full rundown on the upcoming Bon Jovi tour dates. Hope you enjoy. Send all questions, emails, praises, criticisms, and the like to firstname.lastname@example.org. Until next weekâ€¦.