-Well, well, well. Another “Bachelor” season is upon us. But before I start in on what I think of that limey frog here to take all our American women, I feel the need to update everyone on a new personal development in my life. Very rarely do I delve into my personal life in this column, but I feel I could share this with you. Yes, believe it or not, a female has entered the picture. And I couldn’t be happier. She moved in with me last night, and although it started off a little shaky, it seems to be getting better. She’s a 3 year old, 36 pound beagle that I got from the Humane Society this past weekend. I’d wanted a dog for a while, imparticular a beagle, but I was debating whether or not to wait until I got a house because I had read beagles were pretty active and needed space. Not this one. I think I’ve officially found the most low maintenance beagle on the planet. Spent an hour with her at the pet store on Saturday, she moved in Sunday night, and she has yet to bark, howl, or whine even once. She might still be a little scared since she spent 5 hours Sunday night under the bed and wouldn’t come out, then another 6 hours yesterday under there, but since then, she seems to be warming up a bit. I’m still in a one week trial run with her and then I make a decision whether I want to keep her, but there’s no doubt I’m keeping her. I just wish she wasn’t so scared and acted like she actually liked me. Oh well. I guess that takes time. But I definitely made the right decision.
-Her name is Maddie, but I haven’t decided if I’m gonna keep that name. I mean, she’s been called that for 3 years, but it’s not like she’s responding when I call her that anywayâ€¦ha ha. I could call her Maddie or Darryl or Penelope or Ahmed, either way, she’s pretty much keeping to herself right now. I guess this all has to do with her getting used to her new environment. Is this normal? Whatever the case, I’m keeping Maddie and am very happy with this decision. She was owner surrendered because they had an 8 year old son with asthma and the doctor told them it was probably best to get rid of the dog. Damn. That had to be harsh. Their loss is my gain though. Probably the one thing I love most about Maddie so far? She doesn’t lie, she isn’t phony, she doesn’t tell me things she thinks I want to hear, she’s not looking for a sugar daddy, and she isn’t pretentious. And as far as I know, she’s not dating 10 other dogs. Man, if only my dating life were this easy, I’d be the happiest guy on earth. Whatever the case, I always thought I’d get a male dog, so I had male dog names in my head. Now that I have a female, I’m clueless if I want to change her name or just keep it as is. Not sure how long the adjustment would be if I did decide to go with another name, so I’m kinda leaning towards keeping it at Maddie. But if I do change it, what do I name her? Any help would be appreciated. But now, lets get to the real reason why you visit RealitySteve.com every Tuesday morningâ€¦..
-So, I was leery about Matt before the show even started when I read some of the quotes he gave during interviews. Here’s one:
“I want to break any cliches that might exist around English men or British menâ€¦I don’t eat many crumpets. I don’t actually drink that much tea.”
Well, I sure hope not since that’d make you totally gay. Like, Danny Noriega gay. Actually, I don’t know if Danny Noriega from “Idol” eats crumpets or drinks tea. I just know he’s gay. How do I know? Ummmm, did you watch his “Tainted Love” performance? Whoa. The purple highlights, the scarf, the tight jeansâ€¦..need I say more? And oh yeah, all straight men act like he does too.
“I feel that there are certain connotations attached to the typical British, sort of the Hugh Grant, mumbling fool sort of thing.”
You got that right, chap. Or lad. Or douche. If Hugh Grant is the standard by which all British men should be judged, you’re in serious trouble. He likes $40 bj’s from ugly ass hookers in cars on Sunset Blvd. At least he could’ve found a good looking one. C’mon, Hugh. You’re gonna cheat on Elizabeth Hurley with that thing? Seriously? Pathetic. By the way, Matt is dead on in his statement. I 100% percent, without a doubt, associate all British men with Hugh Grant. So needless to say, I’m not a fan of Matt Grant and his tiny fish mouth right now. Hey, I can be swayed, but there’s really nothing about the British that excites me in any way, shape, or form. And I say this without ever having been to Europe in my life. Yes, I’m an American snob and proud of it. So there.
And about his expectations heading into the show, here’s what he said:
“I’m just hoping that, one, I can find the love of my life, and two, I can have some fun as well on the way.”
Translation: If I get a wife out of this, yippee. If not, I’m gonna try and break the record for most women snogged by a Bachelor. Shagged, snogged, flogged, knobbed, whatever they call it. Stupid Brits. The only British person on television I like right now is Carly Smithson from “Idol”. I can handle her. As for her husband with the completely tatooed covered face? Not so much.
-So what did we learn during Host Chris and Matt’s fireside chat? Well, Matt deals with “high net worth individuals” in his big financing world. So that means on a daily basis, he’s dealing with large numbers, a bunch of money, and a snobby uptight Brits. There’s an oxymoron. But he still says it’s hard to meet someone genuine. Ding! Ding! Ding! Well, now there’s one thing Matt and I have in common. And what better way to find a decent genuine woman, than on a reality dating show that has produced one true marriage in 14 seasons. Boy, those Brits sure are bright ones, huh? According to what I’ve read, Matt had never seen the show before he went on and didn’t want to watch any past seasons because he didn’t want to have any pre-conceived notions. I guess I can respect that – if I believed it. You’re telling me he agreed to go on a show and didn’t want to know any of the background of it? Please. You mean to tell me Bob Guiney isn’t a household name overseas? Shocking.
-Couldn’t we have picked a better weather night for the introduction of the ladies. Cold, wet, rainyâ€¦have we ever had that before? Not that I can remember. And the most disappointing aspect of it? Not one of the 25 women had their headlights on when walking up to meet him in the freezing temperatures. Boooooooooooooooooo. Since it’s really difficult to comment on all 25 girls, I’ll just mention the ones who made an impression on me. Which was 16 of them.
Amanda R.: From Niceville, Fla. She lived in England for 4 years. Brunette. Attractive. And come to find out later, she has a major hiccupping problem. I’m sure that wouldn’t get too annoying after, oh I don’t know, five minutes. And Niceville, Fla sounds like it should be in a Disney movie.
Amy: She was blonde and kinda reminded me of Marcia Brady.
Devon: Told him she’s from Texas and he said he’s never been there. That’s ok. We don’t want you here, frog. I don’t remember if Devon was attractive or not.
Kristine: She’s from North Carolina. Mr. Geography responds, “Where’s that?” Ummm, don’t they teach geography in England? In 5th grade, doesn’t he have to memorize the 50 states and their capitals? Hey, I don’t expect him to give me the longitude and latitude coordinates of North Carolina, but I’d expect him to have an idea where it is. I guess he only concerns himself with high net worth individuals though. Geography? Pssshhhh.
Chelsea: She arm wrestles for fun. I have very few rules when it comes to dating women. I just know one of them is never date one who can match me in arm wrestling.
Erin H.: Looked like she had a ring on her finger. But in actuality, it’s just a placeholder for when someone finally proposes to her and gives her a real one. Wow. Not too presumptuous, are we?
Rebecca: Our first of 3 girls who sported the awful Katie Holmes haircut. Ummm, just because Katie Holmes has been brainwashed and turned into a Stepford wife, doesn’t mean women across America need to be styling their hair like her, does it? If her a Victoria Beckham turn into the next Jennifer Aniston in terms of women copying their hairstyles, I think I’ll fill out my priesthood paperwork sooner rather than later.
Erin S.: Matt’s been doing this with everyone, and I guess he has an excuse because he’s from Britain, but he gives every girl the double kiss when he greets them. So unnecessary. Kinda loses its meaning when you do it 25 times in a row, doesn’t it? Oh yeah, Erin S.’s occupation? Hot Dog Vendor. She works at Hog Dog on a Stick in that ridiculous uniform, bouncing up and down making lemonade? That’s not too degrading in the least bit.
Michelle P.: Bright red hair, and incredibly pale skin. I think she should fall asleep in the tanning bed for, I don’t know, 24 hours. Then she’ll be perfect. And another thing I noticed Matt does? Watches every girl walk away into the house so he can check out their ass.
Shayne: Before the show had started, I had read that Lorenzo Lamas’ daughter was on the show. This is her. And if you don’t think that will lead to as many “Grease” references as I can shove in there, then you don’t know me too well.
Marshana: The token black woman this season who’s a fashion designer from NY, designed her own hideous dress, and I think she said won Miss NY at some point. Really? Miss NY? Her? Exactly who was judging that competition may I ask?
Amanda P.: This is the Amanda that doesn’t hiccup uncontrollably. This one lives in Vegas, so she brought Matt a fuzzy pick dice that matched her dress. She also looks about 12. Wearing hot pink, just moved to Vegas, looks incredibly youngâ€¦.uh huh. Sounds to me like she’s working the pole out there.
Holly: For my money, one of the better looking girls on the show. All in all, I’d actually say this is one of the better looking group of girls they’ve ever had. So at least they got that going for them.
Stacey: Our resident mess of a woman. I think all the collagen shot into her lips might’ve gotten to her brain. ABC even played some quasi-porn music when she stepped out of the limo. Trust me. I rewound it. That was a good job of foreshadowing on their part.
Noelle: I have a feeling this girl lasts a while. Probably my 2nd favorite on the show so far. Cute girl. And yes, those were fake.
-So the party starts in the house, and immediately, UFC Chelsea starts in on Matt to that arm wrestling match she promised him. Is this really the first impression you want to make? I can’t really say many guys would be turned on by the fact you’re a champion arm wrestler. Call me crazy. Of course Matt, being the British gentleman that he is, let her win. Good call. She might’ve body slammed you if you hadn’t. Or socked you one right in the kisser. That’s a British phrase, right? No? Oh well. I tried. I’m really not looking forward to hearing a bunch of phrases that don’t make any sense to me. And oh yeah, Matt’s impression of American women? Terrible. And this guy’s an actor. Yeah, if you didn’t read last week’s column, it’s right after this one. But basically Matt is an actor, has been in a couple UK movies, and has pretty much moved here to pursue the same thing. I’m sure he was a banker at some point, but lets make no mistake, ABC isn’t bringing some guy all the way from overseas because they think he’s an attractive banker.
-One girl I didn’t mention coming out of the limo’s was Carri. Probably because she acted normal, wasn’t wearing anything hideous, and didn’t try too hard when she met him. No, she saved that for when she got inside. Some other girl was boring Matt to tears (I think it was the girl who worked for George Bush and Karl Rove), so Carri decides to do what any girl in that situation would do when they’re being ignored: She bites through a beer can and rips off a piece for Matt. Ummmm, thank you? Is that really a talent you should share with him so early? Now, maybe fetching him a beer when he’s watching some polo or rugby match on television might work a little better. When you’re in your apron. And barefoot. After baking a cake. Ok, I’ll shutup now.
-Ashlee is a little spinner who somehow got to bring her guitar to the party so she could play Matt a song she wrote for him. The words were awful and she was practically laughing the whole song so her voice tailed off. But of course Matt, being the British gentleman that he is, did his trademark move of the night: He clapped and said, “That was awesome!” Sure it was. “American Idol” is calling right now. In fact, tonight ended up being a mini “American Idol” show when Michelle P., the pale red headed girl, busted out her clarinet to play for him. What’s next? Host Chris becomes a judge and tells them they’re too pitchy? Although Michelle P. did get off the line of the night when she was putting her clarinet together. The first piece of the clarinet, hell if I remember what its called, went in her mouth first. When asked why, her response: “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate”. That’s what she said. It was before 9:30 when that line was aired. Maybe ABC will get fined for that.
-Now it’s time to meet Stacey, our resident slut bag and all around trashy mess. She was sharing time with one of the other girls, when she blurted out, “This is all very boring.” So when Matt asked her to offer some information about herself, she came up with this beauty: “I want to find a pharmaceutical that’ll cure something that no one has ever thought of.” And that was it. Kinda ended the thought right there for whatever reason. Probably the alcohol. Or the meth she had stashed away in her purse. Then when Matt asked her what she knew about England, she mentioned hybrid cars. A total waste of space this woman was. But oh no, she wasn’t done. After leaving, while Matt is talking to someone else, she marches back into the room and gives him her underwear by oh so subtly sticking it down his pants. Now, it was never revealed as to if those were an extra pair or the actual pair she was wearing last night, but if I had to guess, Iâ€™m sure it was the ones she was wearing. Yes, she was that trashy. And if you can believe it or not, Stacey has a giant tramp stamp going on. I know, shocking isn’t it? It just exudes class.
-Matt pulls Shayna aside for some alone time and Shayna admits to the camera that her father is Lorenzo Lamas, but just tells Matt that all her family is in the entertainment industry. Not like Matt would have a clue to who Lorenzo Lamas because, well, he seems more like a Danny Zuko guy. She should’ve just told him, “Yeah, my dad was the guy that Sandy started bumping after Danny tried to act cool in front of the T-birds. They used to hang out at the malt shop and listen to the jukebox for fun. But then when that tramp Sandy went running back to Danny because he had a cool black leather jacket, my dad was forced to impregnate the annoying Patty Simcox.” I’m sure Matt totally would’ve understood that. I always thought Patty Simcox was a closet lesbian and was only using Tom for his status on campus. And no doubt, I have way too much time on my hands. On a personal note: Maddie just crawled under my bed again for the 6th time in the 2 days she’s been here. She either: a) doesn’t like me b) doesn’t like people c) doesn’t like the light d) all of the above. Did I mention she sleeps under the covers too? Oh well. She’s cute as hell and I’m keeping her.
-So, it’s time for the first impression rose and Matt shocks the whole house by giving it to the Hiccup Queen, Amanda R. Shocking in that, from what we’d seen on camera, they hadn’t spent any time together. And as far as we know, he’s yet to be informed of her chronic hiccupping. The only she has going for her right now was she was the first girl out of the limo. So I guess that made a good enough impression on him for her to last. She’ll definitely be around a while. First impression rose winners usually are. Then again, it also means she probably won’t win. For some reason, Amanda kinda reminds me of Isla Fisher. Not the hair, or the size, or the body type, but just in the face. So needless to say, I’m a fan of Amanda. Just not the hiccupping. I have a feeling something like that would drive me up a wall after a while. Here’s a glass of water.
-Rose Ceremony time, and Matt has his speech down pat. “Can’t thank you enoughâ€¦..I’m privilegedâ€¦.I’m humbledâ€¦.25 impressive individualsâ€¦.before I came here, I thought I loved American womenâ€¦now I know I love American womenâ€¦..let’s snog.” Women receiving roses:
Chelsea: I guess he likes her biceps.
Shayna: Lorenzo must be so proud. His daughters resume is growing by the day.
Michelle P.: Let’s hope her first group date is to â€œSunset Tan”. Honestly, I think he kept her around for the “it has to be wet in order for it to vibrate” line. I would’ve.
Marshana: Really gotta love that self made mess she’s wearing. That takes some guts.
Ashlee: “Ashlee, Randy said it was pitchy, Paula loved everything about you, and Simon doesn’t think you’re a star. America voted. Ashleeâ€¦you are in the final 15.”
Noelle: Reality Steve wants you.
Erin S.: This was the girl he was with when Stacey McSlutbag stuffed her underwear down his pants. Probably a sympathy rose.
Amy: I can’t even picture her right now.
Carri: Hey, any woman that can bite through a beer can must know how to do some things right.
Kristine: Haven’t mentioned her yet. Just know she has the deepest voice of any woman on the show.
Robin: They both spoke French to each other which obviously means love at first sight. Or not.
Kelly: Standard blonde with big boobs. Maybe lasts a couple more weeks tops.
Holly: Reality Steve wants you too.
“Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight. I had to rush here since just only an hour and a half ago, I was sitting in the audience at the “Dancing with the Stars” premiere.” Ahhhh, the magic of television.
Erin H.: This shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone considering most of the footage we see of future episodes has this chick getting in cat fights with the other girls. So yeah, there was no suspense on who was getting the last rose.
-Not many real good meltdowns at the end of the show other than Stacey telling us, “I didn’t want to be with him anyway. He can’t handle me.” Honey, no one can handle you. Nor would they want to. I’m guessing your appearance on this show will have guys knocking down your door by the droves. And when I say “by the droves” I mean “not a single one.” So in the previews for the season, we see a few things:
1) Matt utter the word “Gobsmacked”. No idea what that means.
2) Matt tonguing at least 10 different girls. If I did my math correctly, that means he salivates in 66.7% of the girls left on the show. Impressive.
3) Matt says, “American women can seriously kiss.” Of course they can. They have teeth. That are straight. And aren’t coffee stained.
Ok, so “Dr. Reality Steve” will return next week. No guest columnist just yet, but I’m sure we’ll have some as the season goes on. So any questions, comments, stories, criticisms, praises, female dog names, solutions as to why my new dog is petrified of her new surroundings, email me at email@example.com. Until next weekâ€¦..cheerio!