Reality Steve

The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna

The Bachelorette Recap – 5/19/08

-First things first. I believe the punctuation issues from last week are, for the most part, solved. Some past columns probably still have it sporadically, but I did what I could. For those who have no clue what I’m talking about, on some of your computers last week, every time I typed a quotation mark, apostrophe, or ellipsis, there were weird characters showing up. No idea why that started last week, no idea why only some of your computers were seeing it, and no idea really how I fixed it. It looked fine on my computer. But when I started getting barraged by emails, I knew something was up. So thank you for informing me. I appreciate it. But we should be good to go now with no more problems. Until next week, when I’m sure something else on Word Press will turn out to be all screwy. And I also would like to thank those who sent in kind words in the comments section and through emails regarding Maddie. I agree. She is adorable. I’ll gladly put up more pics this season as soon as I take some with a camera that’s not from my phone.

-Oh boy. 8 weeks of this? Really? I don’t know how many of you know this, but every episode of the “Bachelorette” this season is 2 hours. Every. Single. One. Why? I have no idea. Bachelor Matt’s first episode was an hour and a half, and every subsequent one was an hour. But I guess since DeAnna fell in love and found Mr. Not Brad Womack, I guess we’re gonna be subjected to every single nauseating date of theirs. Trust me, I’m not happy about this. Although, the first episode I knew wouldn’t be too bad. A friend/mistress/lover of mine asked me yesterday, “Oh Reality Steve, what exactly will they do for two hours?” I responded with, “Worry not my young lady. The first half hour will be filled with pomp and circumstance. We’ll get a replay of DeAnna getting dumped, then we’ll get an interview with her talking about why she wanted to be the ‘Bachelorette’, then Host Chris would sit her down and ask her the same things, so we get to hear those brilliant answers twice.” And that’s pretty much what they did. I guaranteed we wouldn’t see our first douche bag get out of a limo until at least a 1/2 hour into the show. Well, I timed it. Our first winner out of the limo, Brian from Texas, came out at :28 after the hour. I was close. Man, I’m good. People should listen to me more. I could produce this show with my eyes closed.

-You know what I find most ironic about DeAnna being the “Bachelorette”? And not just DeAnna, but most girls who get dumped on this show. It’s so funny how, when it happens, they’re totally devastated. They’re crying, some are completely inconsolable, and some just lose it completely. DeAnna still wasn’t over it 3 months after filming when she finally got to confront Brad again. We even got to see her during the “After the Final Rose” show again last night saying she was “sure as anything in her life that her and Brad were meant to be together”. But now here she is, six months removed from the whole Brad situation, and now she’s found someone and is as happy as a clam. You might say, “Well, she was hurt, didn’t dwell on it and moved on. Good for her.” Well yeah, she moved on when ABC placed the call and said, “Hey, you want 25 horndogs chasing after you?” All I’m saying is I don’t think it was ever nearly as bad as DeAnna made it out to be. She hammed it up for the cameras. She basically tried to convince herself she was that in love with him when she really wasn’t. I think she just liked him a lot. I just don’t see how she can go from being completely devastated six months ago, to now being Mrs. Happy Happy Joy Joy. You realize the situation DeAnna has put herself in by agreeing to do this show? After watching her break down on television, begging and pleading Brad to give her another chance, and wondering why Brad couldn’t possibly even want to just continue seeing her, there’s no way she can turn around and do the same exact thing without looking like a giant hypocrite. So we KNOW she chooses someone on this show. Even if she didn’t like any of the 25, she was picking someone or she would’ve looked like the biggest fool in history for crucifying Brad on national television. So let’s just see if who she chooses lasts. My guess? It’ll last longer than most of these relationships do, since I think the women are more serious about this thing than the men, but they’ll eventually break up.

-As far as Chelsea goes, I read today an interview she did with a Colorado newspaper, and I found this quote of hers quite interesting. When asked about Matt, she said:

I just think I’m too tomboyish for him. After watching the show, he’s definitely not my type and not the man that I thought he was. He’s not athletically inclined, and I wouldn’t want someone to slow me down. When Shayne says she likes to shop, he thought that was cute. I didn’t.”

Now, I don’t doubt Chelsea for a second. Matt definitely seemed more metrosexual than what she likes, and he did seem to be more into the things that Shayne was into. But if this were the case, then why wouldn’t she have removed herself from the competition? And you’re telling me that if he would’ve proposed to her instead of Shayne, she would’ve said, “Yeah, not so much. I don’t think we’re a good match.” Of course not. I understand she’s saying this after she watched the show, but she had to have witnessed some of this during filming, right? There’s no way she was this oblivious as to whether or not he was as into athletics as she was. These are all questions I’m brimming with that I’d love to ask Chelsea. And yes, I spoke with someone at ABC requesting an interview with her for this site. I realized I probably have two chances of getting that interview: slim and none. I’m not a “news” site. I’m just a dude with a blog. That’s basically made fun of their show for 12 seasons. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try. I’ll keep bugging them. Hopefully they’ll relent and start getting me interviews every week with people that get booted. Honestly, that’s where I’d like to take this column. I’m much more interested in the “how” and “why” of this show than I am of what we actually see. But I need ABC’s cooperation to make that happen. So far, I’m getting none.

-Let me warn you all of how ridiculous the cliche factor is going to be this year. Already in episode one, it was in full effect. DeAnna must’ve said “Everything happens for a reason” a zillion times. She also threw in “This time I’m making the decision” a billion times. And the ever appropriate “I’m in control now” only came out around 500,000 times. She also threw in a couple “I was in your guys shoes once” and “Brad who?” All right. Enough already. We get it. You were dumped by Brad and now you’re looking for love on your terms. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re still hung up on the guy. One other thing I predicted once we learned DeAnna would be the “Bachelorette” was that she’d drop 15-20 lbs since we last saw her, and that’s exactly what she did. I’ll give her that. She looks great. Looks like she even lost a little bit in the caboose which, if you remember last season, you could’ve shown a movie on. Ha ha…..kidding. I think. No one ever said DeAnna wasn’t attractive. I think you can officially put her as the best looking “Bachelorette” they have. But something tells me by the end of the season, we’ll get sick to the point of inducing vomiting with all the Brad Womack references. And one last thing about DeAnnas appearance: Has anyone noticed how her right eyebrow has a nice rainbow-shaped curve to it, whereas her left one kinda looks like an upside-down “V”. Check it out next week if you haven’t noticed it already. That’s about the only that bothers me about her. Fix that woman. Shave em’ both then pencil them in if you have to.

-So before the guys got out of the limo, they kinda quickly showed us a glimpse of all 25 getting ready and making comments about how excited they were to be there. I sort of fast forwarded through this mess, since we’d be seeing all 25 get out of the limo sooner rather than later, but, I did notice a few things. The blonde guy who spent a 1/2 hour talking to us about how long it takes him to gel his hair was also shaving his chest with a razor. Gay. Ron was a 36 year old barber shop owner that was divorced. Ummmmmm, that usually never works on this show. Bevin got to the final two being a divorcee, but it ultimately did her in by Andy the sleazeball. Because he’s such a man of character. And he likes chasing tail 10 years older than him. Although, it was just announced recently that he and Marla Maples have broken up and are “just friends”. Translation: They’re f-buddies now. And one other guy who made an impression on me was Ryan, the permasmile, pro football player with the perm from Minnesota. Seemed like a likable guy. Then he dropped on us, “I’m a man of faith. I don’t drink, cuss, or have sex. I’m a virgin saving myself til marriage.” That’s great and all Ryan. God Bless you and your beliefs. No one can ever take that away from you. But just know DeAnnas a freak. She wants to get some in her six weeks in the mansion. By agreeing to do the show and be courted by 25 guys, she’s essentially giving up the ass for free for six weeks. A couple handshakes and Bible readings is probably not going to win her over. Just a hunch. But there’s a girl Sadie from Lorenzo’s season that might have an interest in you. You guys can not touch each other all the way up til your honeymoon night.

-Time for the guys to come out of the limos and make their first, and for some, last impressions on DeAnna. Not all of them did something to annoy…..errrr….get my attention, but here’s a few that did. In no particular order:

Brian from Texas: For any of you Dallas Cowboy football fans from the 90’s, I’m sure you’re thrilled to see that Darryl “Moose” Johnston has joined this season of the “Bachelorette”. These two are a spitting image of each other. And what a surprise, Brian coaches football.

Spero: I bet you will be absolutely shocked and stunned to know that something named “Spero” wears glasses. When he met DeAnna, she said, “Pronounce your name for me again?” Dork boy: “It’s Spero. Or just ‘Guy trying way too hard that’ll get sent home tonight.’ Either one works for me.”

Twilley: His real name is Blaine, but everyone calls him Twilley for God knows what reason. And of course, you know what I say to that. “Blaine!!!! His name is Blaine!!!! That’s a major appliance that’s not a name!!!” You tell em’, Duckie.

Graham: Skinny dude with the 5 o’clock shadow whose ABC bio says he’s a professional basketball player. Ummmm, come to find out that’s a lie. Well, either he’s lying, or they’re lying. He didn’t mention anything about being a basketball player later on during their one-on-one time.

Jason: Jason is our first single dad I believe we’ve ever had on the show. So immediately, women watching this show began giving him their sympathy votes. “Awwwww, that’s so cute he’s leaving his infant son for six weeks to try and find a date on a reality TV show. He’s really not being selfish at all.”

Patrick C.: He weighed about 110 lbs soaking wet and looked like Zach from “Key West” before the drunks from the Veterans team shaved his head during “Gauntlet 3”.

Richard: Immediately I got the impression that Richard seems like a nice guy, has got a good personality, a little on the shy side, kinda dorky, and that if he pulled his pants down right now, you’d see that his mother inscribed his initials into his underwear.

Paul: Basically, Paul was a miniature version of the “Bachelor” from season 2, Aaron Buerge. In fact, I think Paul was barely pushing five feet tall. DeAnna had him beat in that department. And judging by what he did later on in the night, I’m guessing he definitely has a case of short man’s disease.

Jon: This was the queen who was shaving his chest in the earlier clips. Just know that he also has platinum blond hair and blond eyebrows. There’s something about a dude with blond eyebrows that makes my skin crawl.

Luke: He’s a sheltered, scared, oyster farmer from South Carolina who looked more out of place in this show than Katie Holmes would be posing as Tom Cruise’s wife.

Sean: Sean is a martial arts master from Kentucky who has a full blown mullet. Sean is redneck.

Ron: Our 36 year old, divorced, barber shop owner went real cool on us last night. He left his jacket in the limo and wore his tie outside his vest. This was never explained and I thought he looked like an idiot.

Jesse: He’s a pro snow boarder from Colorado who wore jeans, Vans sneakers, and a jacket that screamed out, “I’m desperate for attention.” And oh yeah, I’m guessing he was completely baked too. I’m shocked he didn’t offer DeAnna some brownies.

Chandler: When he got out of the limo, he was looking off into the distance for about 10 seconds before making eye contact with DeAnna. He also is from Spotsylvania, PA. I don’t know what to make of that other than I wonder if they have more than one stoplight in their town.

Jeremy: Our third guy from the Dallas area, last out of the limo, and our resident Adam Levine look-a-like. Does the lead singer of Maroon 5 really have to go on the “Bachelorette” to get some tail? Really? Didn’t this guy already bang Jessica Simpson back when they were popular? Save some for the rest of us.

-DeAnna has 3 first impression roses to give out tonight, and immediately gives one away to Jeremy because he started singing, “This…love…has taken its toll on me”. Well, I guess we can officially eliminate Jeremy as someone with the potential to get the final rose. Although, I can’t quite remember, but does the first impression rose curse work on the “Bachelorette” as well? Whatever the case, Jeremy doesn’t win. Trust me. Remember, he’s from Dallas, and I live in Dallas. And yes, people talk. And email. I don’t know Jeremy personally, nor have I ever met the guy. But let’s just say some people in the DFW metroplex do, and those people talk to other people, who talk to other people, who talk to other people, who email me. And they didn’t have the most flattering things to say about our little Adam Levine knock-off. But hey, hearing something fifth-hand isn’t 100% accurate now, is it? I think it is. I live by one rule and one rule only: If its on the internet, it’s true.

-Our single dad Jason steals DeAnna away for some alone time. “Awwww, he’s so cute leaving his infant with his sister for 6 weeks so he can pretend to go out and find a mommy for him when in reality he’s just scarring the kid for life with abandonment issues”. Anyway, Jason wants DeAnna to know he’s very in to travelling – especially camping. In fact, he’s even taken two different 3 month trips to England just do that. Wow! Really Jason? That’s outstanding. You’re definitely getting in her pants now. DeAnna loves campers. She also loves dudes with 5 o’clock shadows who own bars down in Austin and then dump her on national television. Are you either of those? No? Ok, good. You’re just a single dad who’s apparently never watched this show before. DeAnna: “My mom died when I was 12.” Jason: “Really?” Yeah, they only mentioned that about 150 times during Brad’s season. But thanks for paying attention. It might be nice to know a little something about the woman who you want to be mothering your son soon. Call Brad for any advice. She fell in love with him and he didn’t even like her enough to keep her around. In fact, he dry heaved at the thought of proposing to her. So don’t worry Jason. DeAnna’s pretty good at being someone’s friend. Maybe she can babysit for you if things don’t work out.

-A couple of the other guys steal some alone time with DeAnna. There’s Chris (another dude from Dallas) who was asked point blank if he’s ever cheated on someone before. His answer: “Yes. And I hated it.” Actually, no you didn’t Chris. You hated getting caught. There’s a difference. Then there’s Robert, who is a chef in San Francisco and wants to make everyone aware of it. He goes into the kitchen, whips up some crab concoction, throws it in a glass, and he and DeAnna eat crabs together. I don’t know what else to say other than giving someone crabs is not the most memorable first impression. Ba-dum-bump. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be here all month. Try the veal. And my opening act will be none other than….Robert himself. “I’m not a master in the art of seduction. But I’m working on my degree.” God, how cheesy. Something tells me Robert had that line in his head the minute ABC called and said, “Hey Robert, wanna try and lay pipe to DeAnna next season?” I give him credit for getting that line out there. I mean, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve gone with, “Is that a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.” Or how about the ever popular, “If I told you that you have a great body, would you hold it against me?” Do guys really use these lines? I mean seriously. These work? You know what my pick-up line is? “Hi. I’m Reality Steve.” Then the line immediately starts forming to the left. I don’t know what it is. Works every time. And by “every time” I mean “never in a million years.”

-Now it’s our good friend Luke’s turn to talk to DeAnna. This marked the first time in history someone actually spoke to a woman for the first time on national television. If they would’ve panned the camera down a little further, I bet you we would’ve seen Luke’s pants soaking wet. The oyster farmer figured one way into DeAnna’s heart would be to present her with a pearl necklace. I refuse to make a joke here. It’s just not appropriate at this time. Luke is still recovering from having a woman speak to him for the very first time. Plus, if I even considered making a pearl necklace joke here, I’m guessing Luke wouldn’t have a clue what I’m talking about. I doubt he even knows where his ding-dong is. Yes, I just used the word “ding-dong” to describe the male anatomy. No, I’m not 4. I just act like it sometimes. With all due respect to Luke, I can’t imagine why he’d even consider going on this show. He doesn’t have six pack abs like Douche from Indiana. He doesn’t pull tail like Jeremy Levine from Dallas. He can’t whip up a mean glass of crab like Chef Boy-Ar-Dee from San Francisco does. So why do it? I guess because Mommy forced him to. That’s cruel and unusual punishment. I feel sorry for the guy.

-DeAnna still has two first impression roses to give out, but since there’s only one of her, and 25 guys, she needs help. Even though every other “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” that has done this show has had to deal with the exact same number of people on the first night, apparently ABC owed Jenni a favor so they brought her on to “help out” DeAnna with the selection process. DeAnna says her and Jenni are very close because “no one will ever understand what we went through.” Oh, of course. Because you are the only two women who have ever been dumped before. That’s right. Please. Can we quit being so dramatic? Are you serious? Did DeAnna really just say that no one will ever understand what her and Jenni went through? Really? Well, I do. You went on a reality dating show and you didn’t get picked. And I don’t understand that? Seems pretty simple to me. I would really appreciate it if these two didn’t try to convince us getting dumped on TV was equivalent to being victims of domestic violence, because that’s sure as hell what it seems like. Hell, even DeAnna admitted in an interview last week that she’s glad Brad didn’t pick her if he didn’t feel anything long term. She would’ve hated if he picked her just because he felt he was “supposed to”. Yet, here she is playing the victim card when all that happened was she got dumped by a guy she liked for 6 weeks. Unbelievable.

-More guys now take turns vying for DeAnnas attention. They also need to deal with Jenni and her little notebook asking them ridiculous questions about who would win a wrestling match between them and a bear? Wow. Jenni must have some naked photos of Mike Fleiss hidden somewhere to get that appearance last night. That was completely pointless. On a side note, let’s throw Jenni into the category of “women who act completely devastated after getting dumped yet find love 6 months later”. For those that don’t know, Jenni’s ex-boyfriend actually picked her up from the airport when she was done filming Brad’s season, they’ve been together ever since, and now they’re engaged. Yet, wasn’t she telling Brad how madly in love with him she was when she was on the show with him and how badly she wanted to get married? She claimed that once she got home she realized how much she missed her ex, and that he was the one for her. Yet, if Brad would’ve chosen her, she of course would’ve said yes. So ridiculous. Don’t even get me started. By the way, Bevin is now engaged as well. So I guess it only took her a year to find love again. This is actually getting pretty comical now.

-So a couple more guys try to make great first impressions. And fail miserably.

Richard: Nerdy guy, science teacher, mom sews initials into his underwear. Yeah, him. Even DeAnna can see he has the sex drive of a clown. “I really like him, he’s a little dorky, but I love his personality.” Uh oh. The dreaded “great personality” guy. That can’t be a good thing. I think that line has the same meaning for women as it does for men. When you’re thrown into the “great personality” category, basically you’re saying that that person has no chance of ever removing your clothing and pinning you up against the wall in the heat of passion. Sorry.

Eric: He has a Greek background. And a strict family that only likes when he brings home Greek chicks. Hey, maybe if it doesn’t work out with DeAnna, he can bring home that bubbly, over bearing, annoying Marissa Jaret Winokur chick from “Dancing with the Stars”? I’m sure his parents would love her. So lively. So full of energy. And so freaking annoying, I would’ve boycotted television if she stayed on any longer.

Sean: The mullet wearing redneck from Kentucky wants to show off his martial arts skills, so he Chuck Norris’ an orange of Jesse the Stoners head. DeAnna acts impressed. I couldn’t tell if she was. Frankly, I was paying more attention to the bra-less dress she had on. Are those the ones where you have to put sticky tape on the inside of the breast cup to make sure there aren’t any accidents? Cuz…ummm…wow. Bend over the wrong way, and we could’ve easily had ourselves a bit of a situation. In my pants.

-DeAnna meets with Jenni to discuss the trauma and medical attention they’re still receving due to the after effects of Brad dumping them. I think both are taking Paxil as we speak. DeAnna asks Jenni what three guys she would give roses to if she were her. Jenni, scouring through her chicken scratch she calls notes, was able to come up with three names she grabbed out of thin air: Graham, Jesse, and Jason. How she came up with them, I have no idea considering her questions were about as relevant as her being on the show. Yes, she actually asked one of them who would win a wrestling match between him and a bear? I would’ve gotten up and left at that point. Douche from Indiana tried to show her his six pack and she covered her eyes because, and I quote, “I’m engaged. I can’t look at that.” Jenni, shut the hell up. Because you’re engaged, you can’t look at a guy showing you his abs? Are you that much of a prude? Your ex-boyfriend-turned-fiancee has you on that much of a leash? I’m sure that marriage will go really well. That made me sick. Yet, for some reason, DeAnna listened to this airhead and gave Jesse a rose. Jesse was the snowboarder from Colorado who showed up in the jeans, Vans, and ugly ass jacket. And oh yeah, had probably rolled about three doobies before coming into the party as well. But hey, he stood out, so he gets a rose. I guess we can cross him off the list as well.

Greg: He’s a personal trainer with both ears pierced who talks about himself in the third person. Wow, that’s a first. You never see that. Most personal trainers I know are never completely fixated on their bodies at all times and never have a much higher opinion of themselves than the rest of us do. They’re always so humble, and more interested in what you have to say than most normal people. Did I mention Greg was a complete tool as well? I didn’t? Well, he is. And you will be SHOCKED to see what he does at the end of the night. So uncharacteristic for a guy who’d make love to his own body if he could.

Paul: Our Canadian, mini-Aaron Buerge. He wanted to make a name for himself and since he was probably tired of DeAnna patting him on his head, he decided to jump into the pool fully clothed. But that was only the beginning of his master plan. He stripped down just to the speedo he was wearing that had “DeAnna” written across his butt. I can’t imagine any other way to a woman’s heart than that. A midget in a speedo craving attention. And the worst part? DeAnna wasn’t completely put off by it. Man, Brad really scarred her for life. This chick likes anything that gives her attention.

Graham: Aaaaahhhhh, the mystery that is Graham. His ABC bio says he’s a professional basketball player, yet he tells DeAnna last night, that he’s a manager of a bar but is working on starting a charity organization to help kids. Can never go wrong with the “I just wanna help under privileged children” line. Works every time. She likes Graham, but I gotta say, bar owner? 5 o’clock shadow? Graham is Brad Womack 2.0. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. But I can pretty much guarantee you this guy is in the final four. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the final one.

-So DeAnna decides to give the last first impression rose to Richard, the nerdy science teacher. Nothing like getting the sympathy rose. Richard: “What’s one thing we have to know about you?” DeAnna: “I love surprises.” Really? That’s weird, because, a girl I dated about 15 months ago once told me out of the blue during a car ride that “I hate surprises. I always need to know what’s happening. I hate being surprised.” Red flag! Red flag! What woman doesn’t like surprises? I didn’t even know they made women like that. But of course, I ended up with her. And wasted a month of my life treating her well, taking her to dinner, talking every night, only to have her say to me later on that same night (I kid you not), “You know I’m not looking for a boyfriend, right?” Well, actually no I didn’t sweet cakes. Why the hell have we been going out every weekend and talking every night for the last month? Just need a friend? A shoulder to cry on? A best buddy for life? That was easily the weirdest night I’d ever had in my entire life. Never saw any of that coming. And without getting into it too much, not only did she drop the “I don’t like surprises” line on me, and not only did the night end with the “You know I’m not looking for a boyfriend, right?” line, but jammed in the middle of all that, she said over drinks, “I’d much rather you buy me a Coach purse than spend money on me for dinner.” I’d say that’s a triple whammy. Needless to say, we were done by the end of the night. Completely didn’t see any of that coming. It was almost like I was dating a different person that night. I could go on for days about that chick. What a bizarre night. Good riddance. I’m sure she isn’t driving someone else completely crazy right now with that type of behavior.

-Host Chris and DeAnna go into the deliberation room to talk about some of the guys. Yet another Brad Womack reference. Host Chris: “Is it a little odd for you to be in the deliberation room? The same exact deliberation room that Brad was in? In fact, I think you’re standing in the exact same spot that he was. Wow. Isn’t that crazy? I mean, you’re the woman he dumped in front of all of America, yet here you are, doing the same exact thing he was, except you’re choosing men instead of women. DeAnna, are you completely blown away by this? Because I sure am.” Seriously. The Brad references need to stop and need to stop now. There couldn’t be anything more inconsequential than DeAnna standing in the same room that Brad did. Nothing. Why would she feel weird? Is Brad’s ghost floating around the room and haunting her? Is Brad hiding out in the closet waiting to scare her? You people realize how ridiculous they’re making this sound, don’t you? DeAnna wasn’t married to Brad for 15 years and then he went on the “Moment of Truth” and admitted to a lie detector test that he slept with 1,000 women while they were married. They dated on a TV show for 6 weeks and he decided he didn’t want to marry her. I cannot for the life of me understand why they’re making her such a sympathetic figure. I can’t possibly drive this point home any further than it already has. It’s ridiculous.

-Ok, time for the rose ceremony. Let’s get to it before my head explodes. DeAnna: “Thank you….putting heart into this….amazing guys….feel grateful…kills me to have to do this…..but, you know, I know how you feel. I was in the same situation just a year ago. Don’t know if you saw it. But I was on the ‘Bachelor’. Brad took me to the end and didn’t choose me. Didn’t know if any of you had heard that or not. It’s only defined my life up to this point..”

Outside of Jeremy Levine, Jesse the Stoner, and Richard the science nerd, twelve more guys get roses. They are: Ron the divorcee, Graham the phony, Eric the Greek, Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert, Sean the Mullet, Ryan the “I don’t have a nickname for yet”, Chris the 3rd guy from Dallas, Paul the mini-Aaron Buerge, Fred the guy the from ‘Chick-aaaaa-go”, Twilley the Blaine, Jason the father with abandoment issues, and Brian the Darryl Johnston look-a-like.”

-And yes, Host Chris did give us his patented, “Gentleman, DeAnna, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready.” I was thinking maybe he’d screw it up since it’s been about 3 years since he had to say it the other way around. But Host Chris is a professional. He knows exactly what he’s doing. You don’t get to where he is in life without taking your job seriously. Host Chris doesn’t make mistakes. Ever.

-In our parting videos, Chandler cried because, well, I guess he felt he shouldn’t get picked. And he probably had a few drinks in him. Let’s just say Chandler lost a few man points with that sniffling at the end. Really Chandler? You’re gonna cry over a chick who you met for one night? Wow. Mommy has some milk and cookies waiting for you at home. And be sure to grow a pair before ever going out in public again.

-Then of course, it was time for our personal trainer Greg to shine. Boy did he ever. Called himself a “Prince amongst men”, referred to himself in the third person again, and was about as sh**-faced as you could possibly get. Which led to him ripping off his shirt and jacket and exposing us to his body acne and tattoos. Very impressive. A couple flexes, a few poses into the camera, and Greg was good to go. I’m surprised he didn’t have his gym’s website tattooed across his chest for free advertising. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that Greg’s client base as a personal trainer only consists of chicks in their early 20’s, weigh no more than 120 lbs, and always wear the shortest, tightest shorts to the gym. You know, because they always make the best students. Greg is only interested in those who are truly looking to improve their lifestyle, starting with their bodies. If Greg isn’t arrested on sexual assault charges someday, I’d be shocked.

-Well, only seven more weeks of 120 minute shows. Yippee. Can’t wait. I really am looking forward to finding DeAnna contradicting herself on a week to week basis. I’m also looking to see how soon into each episode we’ll get a reference to the fact that she was once on the “Bachelor” and got dumped. I guarantee we get it in the first 10 minutes of every show. And you’re crazy if you don’t think I won’t be writing down the time of it every week and reporting back to you. So send all emails, questions, comments, queries, complaints, praises, and gifts to And if any of you want to help out and bug ABC to let me start interviewing people that get booted off this show, hey, have at it. Start bombarding their P.R. dept with emails and let’s make it happen. Until next week…..



  1. Pam

    May 20, 2008 at 9:09 AM

    I agree with you — 2 hr shows? ACK! I have not watched a ‘Bachelorette’ show before and I was surprised at how boring and uninteresting it was. Will DeAnna be all the drama? How much drama can you get from those boys? I will say, Richard is my fave — guess I like the nerdy type. Jason seemed nice and I admired Ryan — although this seems like a real stretch for someone with his apparent morals.

    Thanks again for the recap — looking forward to the interviews and more pics of Maddie!

  2. Heather G.

    May 20, 2008 at 11:00 AM

    Great Review (as always).

    Do you have any insight into the final four based on the previews?

    Blaine is in for sure based on the different shots I caught, and Sean (the mullet) seems to go far as well….just wondering.

  3. Heather G.

    May 20, 2008 at 11:04 AM

    I meant to say Graham instead of Blaine. Oops.

  4. Amy

    May 20, 2008 at 11:18 AM

    I think all the “Brad” references might make me crazy. I don’t remember this when Trista was the Bachelorette, did they mention what’s-his-name (Alex??) a bazillion times? Why? It’s annoying, but I guess it’s not the only annoying thing on this show & yet I watch anyway. 🙂

  5. T

    May 20, 2008 at 11:47 AM

    OMG I love that BLAINE! I So remember Duckie using that line in Pretty in Pink CLASSIC!!!

  6. DP

    May 20, 2008 at 11:59 AM

    Twilley reminds me of French Stewart (he played Harry Solomon on Third Rock from the Sun) I think he was the producers choice for the benefit of television. He was the only one who had a personality.

    Oh, BTW, don’t you think Deanna must have felt like the luckiest woman/girl alive? She only told us THAT about a million times too!

    I think they need to lighten up on Brad…they even showed the guys toasting him…I’m sure he won’t watch this show!

  7. Jen

    May 20, 2008 at 12:05 PM

    Thanks for the two hour info…..I think I’ll be DVR’ing this show now so I can fast forward it. Did you catch the terrible editing last night.?? Sometimes she had the pearl necklace on even before we saw the oyster farmer give it to her, sometimes she had it off – even after he gave it to her. I notice stuff like that.
    I like Robert the Chef. He’s cute and no B.S. Also there was something about Jeremy coming out of that car. Even I rewound that a couple of time – plus he has a nice voice. P.S. Is Shayne and Matt still together??? Keep us posted on them.

  8. kate

    May 20, 2008 at 12:29 PM

    Ryan the former Viking is gay gay gay. He’s hiding his gayness behind “religion” and “waiting until marriage”. I guess men don’t have gaydar like women do, I’m surprised you didn’t notice.

  9. HeatherM

    May 20, 2008 at 12:36 PM

    HOLY rigatoni! Bravo – perfectly put, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank goodness I did DVR so I could FF through…what a mess. It’s scary, because if I heard one more time about Brad, I was going to seriously vomit dinner from last Saturday, that’s how far back it would’ve come through me…unreal!!! And seriously, “all her life” – she’s 26 and if that was the worst thing to ever happen to her, that poor girl (who I think is just beautiful), is in for a very rude awakening!!!!! I hate ABC as it is for taking MIT off the air after the finale. They’d rather put trash like this on TV…and dang it, I watched it. I think I’m going to read you Blog “only” instead!!!

  10. Sarah T

    May 20, 2008 at 3:09 PM

    Great column again! I feel like she could have gotten rid of about 22 of these tools last night. The cheeseball shaving his chest and then later wearing a wedding vest/tie combo was classic with his frosted hair that he unnecessarily takes 20 minutes to style. Also, Spero’s eyebrows were about the creepiest thing I have seen on TV since I came across a late showing of Gremlins the other night. The bodybuilders chest zits were repulsive…do steroids make you egotistical and make you talk in the 3rd person?

    Jenni was so unnecessary. I love how her and Deanna were apparently BFF’s, yet DeAnna did not even know that she was engaged and that ‘he designed the ring himself”..BARF!!
    How about the dbag who asked Jenni to sit on his lap? YIKES!

    There was a party in the Twin Cities last night to watch the episode with Mr. Morals…if there is another one, I will go and have him call you once he gets booted….aka, next week!

    Can someone find info on Graham’s basketball career? There is no way that he was in the NBA–there would be way more women watching the NBA if guys who looked like him were in it!

  11. Ana Roland

    May 20, 2008 at 3:16 PM

    Have you noticed how annoying the way Deanna enunciates every word…Plus could you believe all the zits Greg had on his chest…why reveal that…

  12. Debbie

    May 20, 2008 at 5:15 PM

    Great recap as usual. I think Jeremy, Spicoli, Mullet, Blaine, Fred without the chin and Hot Brian are in the top ten (based on the Ellen promo).
    Is it just me or does Bad Dad-Father of the Year look like Enrique Iglesias?
    No nickname for Ryan yet? How about gay/tone-deaf/virgin Ryan?
    The camera man must be gay. Seriously, these guys have to shower outdoors. I want to see those pictures on the net. BTW if you hit the pause button just right you can get a nice ass shot of the guy showering before ABC put the black rectangle thingie over his ass (before the shot of Stubble-Face the Ex Pro Basketball Player).
    Sean, 1980 called and they want their hairstyle back. Graham obviously watched too many episodes of Miami Vice. Paul the midget has psychotic looking eyes.
    DeAnna didn’t wear the pearl necklace during the rose ceremony. How rude! Also she is just one or two babies away from being a Big Fat Greek Mama (butt her face is very pretty).

  13. Debbie

    May 20, 2008 at 5:47 PM

    I love all your nicknames for the guys. Here’s the ones I have so far. I stole a few of yours.

    Jeremy-the Player
    Richard-Bill Nye-the Science Guy
    Ron-Used Goods
    Graham-Sonny (Crocket)
    Eric-The Greek (with the weird nose)
    Robert- I like Chef-Boy-ar-Robert
    Sean-the Mullet (what else? maybe Mike Seaver aka Kirk Cameron)
    Ryan-the Gay Virgin
    Chris-(Prince Charles) Ears
    Paul – Napoleon the psycho midget
    Fred without the chin
    Jason – Enrique/Father of the Year/Bad Dad
    Brian – The Hot Guy

  14. newsflash

    May 20, 2008 at 6:16 PM

    i’m suprised you didn’t mention when deanna said something about ‘dating brad’. imo it’s hard to call it dating when you’re sharing a house with several other women also ‘dating brad’ too. exactly how long does it take to tape this show? some pimples probably last longer than deanna’s ‘relationship’ with brad.

    why deanna and anyone else who likes to gang up on brad can’t see that just like deanna wants her ‘fairy tale ending’ – so did brad and he just didn’t see it with deanna.

  15. KT

    May 20, 2008 at 8:46 PM

    First, did you watch Shayne and Matt on Ellen? Her dress was awful, but I think that he has put on 20 pounds since the show ended. They do seem happy.
    Ok, you mentioned DeAnna’s eyebrows, but to my knowledge you have never mentioned the “blinking” issue she has. It is better this season (I think that a professional is applying her false eyelashes), but it is still really annoying. I am not sure that I can watch her and her large rear end. I think that you are giving her way to much credit on her weight loss. She has a beautiful face, but she does not know how to dress to flatter her best features (no, I chose not to say assets).
    Anyhow, loved the recap. I don’t think that she had the best selection to choose from. I am pretty sure that she could have narrowed it down to about 5 guys last night.
    See you after blinky is on next week.

  16. Ashley

    May 20, 2008 at 10:25 PM

    Great recap! Ugh, the two Dallas guys (Jeremy and Chris) are total Dallas douches, of course. They embody the persona of “Chris Chris.” Chris is actually in sales, too! And you gotta give up the scoop on Jeremy, please. No secrets! The football coach from Fort Worth seems to be down-to-earth and has some potential, however.

    Believe it or not, I happened to watch Kathie Lee Gifford on the Today Show this morning while I was working out and she was talking about her friend from Tulsa, who’s son is on the Bachelorette, Blaine Twilley. Twilley is his last name, so that’s where that nickname comes from.

    I have no idea how I am going to be able to stand to watch 2 hours of this every week. It was bad enough last night. The whole concept of the Bachelorette just makes me uncomfortable.

  17. PJ

    May 20, 2008 at 10:55 PM

    Ok, in the spirit of the “first impression rose,” I offer the “first impression douchebag” — hands down, the dude who was shaving his chest. Blech!

    Gay Ryan will definitely be looking him up after his elimination.

    I totally fell for the dorky science teacher, and the single dad. Clearly, I am just a pawn in ABC’s savvy game. Ugh.

  18. M

    May 20, 2008 at 11:07 PM

    on Graham and his basketball career…
    not sure why ABC decided to put that as his info seeing as what he is doing now (with the bars and charity thing), but he played college basketball at Appalachian State, and then played professionally in Germany (for how long I don’t know) and then when injuries became too much returned to the states to begin his career. so that is the deal with him, which ABC should have thought to explain.

  19. CW

    May 20, 2008 at 11:18 PM

    Love the Pretty In Pink reference. HI-larious!

  20. Wendy

    May 21, 2008 at 1:30 AM

    The great thing about having longer bachelorette shows means we’ll have more of your fabulous, hilarious column to read Steve! I look most forward to that, rather than Deanna and half those goofballs vying for her attention.

    Your analysis was spot on once again and I laughed so hard my stomach is still hurting!

    Like the other poster, I also thought you would comment on that loser who wanted Jenni to sit on his lap. (He was gross!!) I was waiting for it….The crab reference rocked about Chef Boy Ar Robert….Thank you for your brilliant humor and writing Steve.

    Til next week, may you and Maddie have a good one. 🙂

  21. sally

    May 21, 2008 at 10:44 AM

    isn’t ryan the guy who didn’t offer up his jacket to her when they were outside? i would have booted him for that.

  22. Janice

    May 21, 2008 at 3:06 PM

    Honestly, what guys would act like that. I can’t imagine my husband and his friends, (let alone guys he had just met!) standing around talking about their hearts beating fast when they met DeAnna. Ridiculous! They all seem like a bunch of boy Shaynes. Way too hight maintenance for my taste. I thought the cutest ones were the teacher and the football coach from Dallas. The snowboarder, did you see the schnozz on him. When they shot him in profile it looked like a ski run with moguls on it. He’s not even a little bit attractive and I sure didn’t see any great signs of personality. As a matter of fact I thought it was pretty low class for him to mention that he would kick Billy Ray Cyrus in the nuts if he kicked him when he did his move. Why do men think it is appropriate to speak that way in front of any woman, let alone one they had just met and on TV no less. Mom must be so proud.

  23. cynthia

    May 21, 2008 at 4:16 PM

    I can’t remember any show Bachelor/ette or otherwise that had me saying out loud, all by myself “eewwwwww” over and over like this one.

    Ryan is a freak.

    Bad Dad? Gay. Am I the only one seeing it? Maybe he and Ryan can come out of the closet together.

    LOVE, Love, love Richard. Also Fred. And I’m intrigued by the tall football coach guy.

    That poor sweet oyster farmer – I felt SO bad for him. He was so out of his element. And what a bitch for not wearing the necklace at rose ceremony — unless she (I hope) gave it back.

    Jenny? What a joke and waste of time. I did love the one guy that answered her bear question with “I’d die”.

    Jesse?! Are you kidding me?

    What I want to know? Who decides the order that the names are called during rose ceremony? Surely she doesn’t just wing it. I’m always puzzled and surprised by the order the people are chosen.

    Did you see Brian – IN’s reaction on the last rose when she said Brian … pause … Texas. That was sad – hopes up! Crushed.

    Can’t wait to see how this train wreck progresses.

    Love your column!!!

  24. mimi

    May 21, 2008 at 4:58 PM

    u r a disgusting a-hole

  25. Anonymous

    May 21, 2008 at 9:40 PM

    haha. he’s just honest.

  26. sally

    May 21, 2008 at 10:10 PM

    mimi – why are you reading this blog if you don’t like steve? go away or keep quiet. janice – great comments.

  27. Sungoddess

    May 22, 2008 at 11:25 AM

    I like the football coach…he seeems to have some class or maybe it is his age….he does look a little older. In my opinion, compared to the other brats I think he would be a keeper.

    As for the A-hole comment………aren’t you supposed to be in school? Watch out……Maddie will eat you alive!

  28. M

    May 22, 2008 at 7:27 PM

    Another great review.

    I think Graham is Lellis 819 on Youtube. He has taken his picture off a lot of his videos, but he did leave it on one. What do you all think??

  29. Nicole

    May 23, 2008 at 9:18 AM

    Thank god somebody else noticed that Graham & Brad …or Braham,are one & the same. She totally noticed the similairity between them as well..and if you re watch the tape she flinches a bit when she hears him answer her question aboutwhat he does for a living…”I run a few bars), he says. She has small facial tick flinches then goes in too the flirty …I used to be a bartender speech………….Brahams going all the way

  30. Nancy

    May 26, 2008 at 8:42 AM

    Lellis 819 is a poster on FORT, and I don’t think it’s Graham…but you never really know, do ya? I like the nerdy teacher so he won’t last too long. Two hours is going to get real old.

  31. Katherine

    May 26, 2008 at 4:28 PM

    Another great recap! Some of these guys are keepers, others–well, I’m glad that some of them are gone. I really like: Richard, Graham. That guy Greg was a riot. Its because of guys like him that NYC girls like me are still single! Don’t know why se kept Paul and Shaun–or Jesse. There were others that I liked, and thought Deanna should have kept.

    Will be reading tomorrow!

  32. Dallas Dolly

    May 27, 2008 at 9:11 AM

    HOW did I miss that you live in Dallas????? I’ve been under the impression that you were this hip West Coast guy…and you’re right here in Big D. I’m dying to see what you have to say this morning. Did you take a weekend holiday? Get on the laptop and give me a Tuesday morning wake up laugh!

  33. lorrie

    July 8, 2008 at 6:34 PM

    Help!! I have several questions about the shows..I would like to know if there is a person taping all the interactions or if there is just a video camera giving us the details ..secondly..what is the time lapse between the end of the taping and the final rose..thirdly..what is the point of that “spend the night as a couple “crap..even if they slept in seperate rooms,they could still hook up..can anyone shed light on my irrelevant queries?

  34. Gracy

    December 15, 2008 at 11:24 PM

    It a nice site collecting all information about eyebrow & Eyelash Cosmetic.
    Beauty is more important for every women so i m care about my eyes.

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