-I figured out why the “Bachelorette” isn’t nearly as fun as the “Bachleor”: Because men aren’t catty towards one another. Sure you’ll get a disagreement here and there, but all in all, mens attitude towards things tends to lean to, “Whatever.” So you’re just not gonna get any great drama on this show than you would during the “Bachelor”. As for that push-up contest? Please. Completely staged by the producers. I seriously doubt two guys were that mad at each other that they challenged each other to a push-up contest. How gay can you get? And let’s not forget the most important reason why the “Bachelorette” isn’t nearly as interesting as the “Bachelor”: These guys are boring. I mean, did you catch DeAnna and Graham’s date at the beach? I almost fell asleep. Could the guy have looked any more disinterested? How about that wild, wacky night at the Magic Castle when, ummmm, uhhhhhh, nothing happened. More guys that bored me to tears. Why they insisted on making every episode of this season 2 hours is beyond me. That easily could’ve been an hour show last night. They dragged out both group dates way longer than they needed to. But hey, last night wasn’t without its moments, which we’ll get to briefly.
-Before we get started, one quick note, I’m heading to California tomorrow morning as my 33rd birthday is this weekend. And since I have so many things planned, figured it was time to take another trip back to see friends and family. And by “so many things planned” I mean “not much at all.” I’ve never been a big birthday guy so it’s kinda just like any other day to me. But 33? Really? I’m gonna be 33? Boy how time flies. I wonder if I’ll now be looked at as the creepy, early 30’s guy who’s single and never been married? Who knows? Maybe I’m already “creepy, 32 year old guy who’s single and never been married” and I don’t even know it. I’m sure some of you have thought it. Whatever. I can’t control why I’m not married yet. But as a kind gesture to my readers as my Alzheimers starts to set in and prune juice becomes my morning drink of choice, I may have a birthday present to give to the rest of you. Check back on the site tomorrow. If something is here, then you know I was able to get it done before I left. If not, I’ll try and get it up after I get back. That didn’t sound right. I’ve got no problems with that last time I checked. Which was about 5 minutes ago. Anyway, keep your fingers crossed that I can get this piece done before I leave, but if not, I’ll give you an update in next weeks column to where it stands. If it still stands at all. And no, I couldn’t be any more vague if I tried. Just know it has something to do with what I wrote in last weeks column. I just can’t mention it again for fear of it getting killed. More vagueness.
-So remember last week I said I was going to make it a mission that on every episode this season, I was going to see how long it took them to reference the fact that DeAnna was dumped by Brad. Know how long it took this week? .0000001 seconds. I think Brad’s face was the first thing we saw when the show came on the air last night. And we got to re-live that glorious day where Brad did his best Kelli Taylor impression, dumping both Jenni and DeAnna, and choosing himself. Awesome. That’s the best moment in “Bachelor” history by far. But here we are today, and DeAnna is spewing nonsense. “I learned a lot from dating Brad. I won’t make the same mistake twice.” Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Exactly what mistake is that? He dumped you, remember? And even 3 months after he dumped you, you still weren’t over it and crying on national television wanting answers. Don’t make it seem like you wore the pants in that relationship and finally cut him off at the end. If you’re gonna go back now and pretend like you made a mistake by falling for the guy, then that just makes you phony, and why should we believe anything you do this season with your band of boring douchebags? Own up to it, DeAnna. You fell for a guy that wasn’t nearly as into you, and you got dumped. Quit talking about your ex like you were married for 15 years. You knew the guy for six weeks for christ sakes.
-As the show starts out, we are told by Host Chris what the living situation will be like this season. If you read the internet already about this season, you knew what the “twist” was. If not, you were probably as surprised as the guys pretended to be last night. Each week, three guys will get to sleep in the same bed…..I mean…..stay in the mansion with DeAnna, while the rest of the guys stay in a bunkhouse at the bottom of the hill where they have to sleep on bunkbeds and shower outside. And this couldn’t make Paul the nudist any happier. I think if that guy could do this show naked, he would. One guy who isn’t thrilled with the new living arrangements? Fred from Chick-aaaaa-go. “I cal it da’ Waaaak of Shame. It just means we’re fare-ther and fare-ther from DeAnna.” Gotta love those Chicago accents. They sound so intelligent. I’m still debating if the Minnesota or Chicago accent is the worst on the planet. I’ll get back to you on that one. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you Canada. Your moose dialect isn’t too charming either. It’s just that since you’re not U.S.A., I really don’t give a crap about you.
-The first date card arrives and it’ll be Jason the bastard father, Ryan the homely virgin, Sean the mullet, Twilley the Blaine (he’ll have a new nickname shortly), Paul the nudist, Fred the accent (I don’t feel like typing Chick-aaaaa-go every time I see him), and Richard a.k.a. Mr. Wizard, as they’ll be headed to the Magic Castle in Hollywood. Why such a cool place like that decided to associate themselves with this show, I have no idea. I’ve been to the Magic Castle at least 4 or 5 times and had a blast every time. But you couldn’t really tell how fun it was by watching those 5th rate magicians perform last night. Could they only get the amateurs to appear last night? Headliners too busy? I mean, seriously. Could we get something better than the tired old card trick and the “disappear from the box” trick? I think 5th graders even know how those tricks are done by now. Yeah, I wouldn’t say those were the best magicians they could’ve pulled. One of them even gave Jason a bird to hold. I thought that was cute. I figured Jason could hold on to that and give it as a gift to his 3 year old son that he decided to desert for 6 weeks while he went on a reality dating show to find a new mommy. Seems like a nice guy, which makes it that much more strange that if his 3 year old is the most important thing in the world to him, why he would up and leave the kid for 6 weeks. Still scratching my head on that one. And on no level can I find that the least bit acceptable. I’m sure his kid won’t either.
-So DeAnna calls Jason up on stage, they get in the magicians box and disappear for some alone time. And no, they didn’t just crawl back out the other side of the box while the cameras were panning the looks on the rest of the doofus’ faces. As for Jason, I’m guessing he was looking to get into a different kind of box. But I’m sure he was happy disappearing for some alone time with DeAnna. We all know he has no problem disappearing for his 3 year old son, so this should come quite easy to him. And if you think I’ll ever let up on the “Jason left his kid for 6 weeks” cracks, you’re sorely mistaken. So he and DeAnna begin discussing life and the world and the conversation just couldn’t be any more riveting. DeAnna: “Where are you from?” Jason: “Seattle.” DeAnna: “I’ve never been to Seattle. I just have this vision that its raining all the time and everyone falls in love.” Yep. Right on the mark, DeAnna. You nailed it. It rains 300 days a year, everyone falls in love, and the ones that don’t just kill themselves being it’s the city with the highest suicide rate in the U.S. Sounds like a great place to live. You’re hopped up on Starbucks all day long, you walk around with an umbrella permanently strapped to your back, and your life is miserable. How exactly did Seattle get the nickname the “Emerald City”?
-These two’s conversation couldn’t have gotten any more boring. DeAnna: “What kinda music do you like?” Jason: “Old Michael Jackson.” Hey, even I like old Michael Jackson. I just wouldn’t tell anyone that on a first date. I’d at least wait til I got laid before I let that out of the bag. Kinda like the whole “Reality Steve” thing. That’s kept under wraps until I absolutely feel 100% confident that the person I’m with has ever seen five seconds of any show that I watch. If not, I can pretty much guarantee it ain’t gonna work out. Yep. 33, single, and never married. I guess I just answered my own question. So Jason tells DeAnna he lives with his younger brother, but doesn’t tell her about his 3 year old son yet. That comes next week. Any of you rooting for Jason to get the final rose, you might wanna squash those hopes right now. Now, we don’t know the whole situation behind him having a 3 year old son. He could be a widow, or he could just have custody, I’m not sure. But I’m about 99% positive that if Jason were to get the final rose, he’s not gonna be able to just pack up all his things and bust out to Georgia for the rest of his life. And I’m guessing DeAnna, even if she is ok with the fact he has a 3 year old, is not gonna take off for Seattle, Washington having grown up in the South. Just doesn’t seem like something she’d do. So by my brilliant logic, we now know Jason isn’t her man. One down, thirteen to go.
-It’s now Sean the mullets turn to secure some alone time with DeAnna. This didn’t go well for a couple reasons. Sean has what I would call a “repulsive sweating problem”. Apparently all the cameras and lighting make Sean and his mullet sweat profusely. So he’s not real fun to look at up close during these times. And also, the self playing piano in the room kept interrupting his sentences so he never got to tell her anything of substance. Which I found funny because I thought what the piano was playing was much more interesting than anything Sean would’ve had to say anyway. He’s a martial arts master from Kentucky. And stole Billy Ray Cyrus’ old haircut. Do we really have an interest in what he has to say? Didn’t think so. Moving on. If you thought Sean would’ve been boring, Twilley the Blaine couldn’t have crashed and burned any worse. He got up on stage and told some lame ass story that put everyone to sleep. Twilley is very animated, very outgoing, and very much trying waaaaay too hard. Everyone pretty much laughed at the guy for telling the worst story known to mankind. I’d tell you what it was about but I don’t even know since ABC cut it up so much since it went on for 3 hours. So he’s now Twilley the over actor. Let’s pull it back a little bit Twilley, whaddya’ say?
-Mr. Wizards World got some alone time with DeAnna and decided he’d use his Bunsen burner and beaker to whip up a magic love potion to put a spell on DeAnna. Well, he didn’t get quite that technical. No, our resident science nerd made her a flower out of a piece of paper. I’m telling ya’, DeAnna’s got one tough decision on her hands with all these winners they cast for her. So to stir up some sort of interest in this date, Ryan the homely virgin battled Twilley the over actor in our first installment of “Someone calls someone else out for being fake”. Ryan doesn’t think Twilley is being genuine with his feelings after that pre-produced boring story he told earlier. Twilley says yes he is and he’s there for the right reasons. This conversation goes nowhere. Although it allows us to learn a little bit more towards what Ryan the homely virgin is all about. “Faith, family, and football.” That’s very cute. He should copyright that and play it off as his own even though I’ve heard that phrase about a 1,000 times. I respect the guy for his beliefs, and you gotta applaud any male who is 28 and still a virgin (I think), but the problem is, do you know what the “3 F’s” get you on a show like this? A one-way ticket home. Outside of Sadie from Lorenzo’s season, I don’t think a virgin has ever done well on this show. Of course, that’s all assuming we believe Sadie when she tells us she’s a virgin. Let’s not forget, after Lorenzo dumped Jen, he and Sadie were seen canoodling around New York City together. For what? To hold hands? Talk about the stock market? Uh huh. Sure you are, Sadie.
-Now its Paul the nudist and Fred the accents turn to share their wit and wisdom with DeAnna. Fred doesn’t say much. Just downs his drink and stands there in all his Chicago glory. Paul on the other hand – completely different story. He was feeding DeAnna line after line after line that seemed way too rehearsed. Paul: “I’m the perfect candidate. I’m the youngest guy in the house. I’ve been engaged before. Just wasn’t the right one. Marriage is sacred. It’s a sacred bond between two people that should never be broken. It’s the coming together of two souls……” All right. Enough already. We get it. You’re laying it on a little too thick, pal. But then he ended his diatribe with this beauty. “When I get married, I’m married for good.” Really? You can predict that? Well then Paul, you’re a better man than anyone on this planet. Seems to me like that’s something that you can certainly believe in, but not necessarily something you can control. And really, isn’t that everyone’s thought going into marriage – that they’ll be married just once? I don’t think anyone sits around before their first marriage and says to themselves, “You know what? I can’t wait until I get married. Granted, it’s gonna be the first of many since I have every intention of getting a divorce, but hey, I still can’t wait til it happens.” Kind of a bold statement to say “When I get married, I’m married for good”. What if your partner doesn’t like you being nude all the time and dumps you? Kinda outta your hands.
-When Mr. Nude asks DeAnna her thoughts on where she sees herself, she pretty much has her timeline laid out. DeAnna: “I hope to be married in 5 years with one kid and another one on the way.” Yikes. Now that means our good friend Lisa from Lorenzo’s season and DeAnna have dualing timelines. Let’s see who gets there the quickest. Ready, set, go. How about next week as a little treat, we get Lisa back here and ask her how her timeline is going? Since they didn’t include her in the “Where are they now?” episode, I’ll have her give us a little summary of what she’s been up to since her and Lorenzo’s incredibly uncomfortable overnight date in Budapest, Hungary. Get ready, Lisa. The email is coming. So DeAnna wants to pop two kids in the next 5 years? Good for her. Let’s just hope it’s not with any of these guys. Especially Paul the nudist. He’s kinda creepy. And he’s Canadian. That’s never a good combo. But for some miraculous reason, DeAnna decides that Paul’s lines of b.s. were enough to win her over and she gave him a rose, so he’s safe for at least another week. Great. More nudity.
-Speaking of nudity, when we return from commercial break, they give us an update on how the guys are doing living in the bunkhouse, and Paul is the first guy they show us showering outside. For whatever reason, they decided to supply these guys with a shower that has no sort of wall or curtain, so everyone can see everyone shower if they wish. I was thinking that maybe Ryan the homely virgin would find this completely offensive and against his religion to watch another man shower that he’d just remove himself from the show. Guess not. How much longer until full frontal nudity becomes part of network television? When does America actually start becoming the BBC and we get nudity on every channel? This is something I’m 100% behind. Except when it comes to male nudity. Hell, no one wants to see that. If there’s one thing, and only thing, I wish America could be more like Europe in, its their laws regarding nudity on television. I say in 5-10 years, we’ll get our wish. Within 3-5 years, profanity will be allowed. That’s a given.
-Time for DeAnna’s solo date with Graham at the beach. For a guy that’s easily a favorite to get the final rose, and for a guy that is probably the most liked by women viewers out there, he sure came across as bland and boring last night. And retarded since he didn’t know how to fly a kite. Now, I haven’t flown a kite since I was probably in the 3rd grade, but something tells me with my major in Aerodynamics I’d be able to figure it out. Ok, it was Communications. Same thing. These two couldn’t have looked any more clueless if they tried. Are we sure neither of them are blonde? Just checking. So after their non-successful attempt at the impossibility that is flying a kite, these two sit down for a little conversation. Graham tells DeAnna he just got out of a relationship and that it was the first girl he’s ever been in love with. So he’s 29, has only been in love once, and it just happened before he came on the show? Sweet. At least I’ve got this guy beat. I think this could ultimately come back to kill him. Can’t you just see DeAnna saying, “If I’m going to put myself out there for someone, I have to be 100% sure that this man is in love with me. And since Graham has only been in love once, I’m going to be a little skeptical whether it can happen so quickly again.” I agree, Steve. Something tells me a guy who’s been in love once just recently, is not about to fall in love again so quickly. And if he does, then he’s kidding himself. But I think the even bigger question when it comes to Graham is why in the hell does he wear a giant, silver, wrap around bracelet that looks like he stole it from Wonder Woman? Gay.
-Uh oh. DeAnna and I are on the same wavelength. She’s already questioning how much Graham is into her. “I need someone who knows what they want. Brad didn’t. I don’t need that.” Wrong. Brad knew exactly what he wanted. It just wasn’t you. DeAnna really has a warped sense of what happened during her time on the “Bachelor”. And I’m not the least bit shocked she’s comparing Graham’s shyness to Brad not knowing what he wanted. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say DeAnna is still bothered that Brad dumped her. Call me crazy. Yet again, how is Brad in the wrong if he dumped somebody he didn’t see a future with? And if she is over him, and has moved on to the next chapter in her life, why does she constantly have to keep bringing him up? Because Brad did it to you, does that mean that everyone is going to do that to you? Well, if you live your life thinking that way, then sure, you’ll question every single guy that comes into your life. Do you really want to drive yourself crazy doing that? I wouldn’t think so. And since Graham is a smaller, skinnier, less manly version of Brad, I’m guessing this isn’t easy for her. If they had those pop up bubbles above DeAnna’s head on every date she was on, something tells me we’d see head shots of Brad popping up everywhere.
-Back at the bunkhouse, the other 14 guys are talking about sex. Real surprise there. You mean 14 guys who are being shut out from the rest of the outside world with no newspapers, internet, or cell phones and with an endless supply of alcohol at their hands are talking about sex? I never would’ve thought it. Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert has the line of the night when asked how important sex is in a relationship: “If you wait til you’re married, then found out its not that great, then you’re up a creek without a paddle.” You know, I’ve never really thought of it that way. For a guy like Ryan, who finally admits to everyone he’s virgin, if he finds Mrs. Ryan, and they wait til their honeymoon to finally seal the deal, and she just lays there like a sack of potatoes, is he really going to be fired up looking forward to the rest of his marriage? Yes, I know. Marriage isn’t all about sex. I understand that. But don’t tell me it doesn’t play a big role. And if one of those roles you despise doing, then I’m guessing that would create some problems. But hell, what do I know? I’ve never been married. And I’m listening to some guy who pops his collar. More on that during the group date.
-Back on the beach, in what came as no surprise to anyone watching, DeAnna gave Graham a rose and he gets the first kiss. Apparently she doesn’t mind guys’ five o’clock shadows scraping up her face while making out. It’d bother the hell out of me and I’m not even a woman. Hence the reason I’m always clean shaven. As DeAnna and Graham are headed back to the mansion, Twilley the over actor is getting a little self conscious that his horrible storytelling performance at the Magic Castle might not have gone over so well, so he wants to talk to DeAnna as soon as she gets back to make sure things are cool. Talks like these always work out well. Especially when you have someone as calm, cool, and collected as Twilley involved. DeAnna’s gets out of the car, heads back up to her mansion, where Twilley is waiting for her. And for the life of me, I still don’t know what he said during his incessant babbling. Something about he knows his family and friends would like her. I did catch that. Ummmm, Twilley, the hometown dates are about 4 more episodes away. So calm down. Needless to say, Twilley the babbling over actors performance last night really didn’t do much to help his cause. In fact, I thought it sealed his fate. Little do I know.
-Now it’s time for the final group date at Dodger stadium with Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert, Dallas Chris, Gray haired Brian, Jesse the bong rip, Ron the divorcee, Jeremy Levine, and Erick the Greek. This is one of my all-time favorite group dates ever since it incorporated one of only two teams that I root for: the Dodgers. I’m a sports nut, have been ever since I was a kid, but the only two teams that I openly cheer for are the Lakers and Dodgers. Not surprising having grown up in Southern California. So boy was I pumped when these guys got to step foot on Dodger stadium grass to make asses of themselves. And let’s talk about Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert for a quick second. Not only was this guy wearing a pink polo shirt, but he had his collar up. I’m telling you right now that I will be the first to admit I tend to lean towards the metrosexual side. I grew up playing sports my whole life and would consider myself more athletic than you’re average guy, but I definitely have a metro side to me. And I think I’m pretty up to date when it comes to fashion and men’s trends. But let me just say, and this goes for every male out there and not just Robert, but if you are a guy, and you pop your collar, you are a legitimate, 100%, without question, Grade A douchebag.
-So former Dodger manager and Hall of Famer Tommy Lasorda waddles on out there to give the guys a corny pep talk about wanting to win DeAnna’s heart. A tear rolled down my eye. Not because the speech was any good, but just because even though I’m a lifelong Dodger fan, I’m also an objective one. I know they haven’t won a World Series since 1988. I know they have also won exactly ONE playoff game in that same period of time. ONE!!!! (Don’t get me started). And I know that as much of a living legend as Dodger fans think Tommy Lasorda is, I worked in the L.A. sports market for the better part of 8 years, and I can tell you without any hesitation that there isn’t a bigger phony in sports than Tommy Lasorda. He can talk about bleeding Dodger blue and being married to his wife for 50 years as long as he wants. Those that have followed him throughout the years know exactly what kind of guy he is. Don’t believe me? Do me a favor. Google “Tommy Lasorda Hollywood Madame” and enjoy. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I also had the pleasure of sitting in on a 3 hour radio show that Tommy co-hosted back in 1997 and it was one of the more memorable 3 hours of my life. I’d never met a more bossy, egotistical, self-indulgent, blowhard in my life. I’d say that was the day that my opinion of him changed. The stories I could tell from that day would make your head spin. Anyway….ummmm…..go Dodgers!!! And screw you Andruw Jones.
-So the guys got to play HR derby for the chance at alone time with DeAnna. This wasn’t until after Dallas Chris gave us a lovely rendition of the national anthem – if that’s what you want to call it. Let’s just say he’d make a great contestant during next year’s auditions of “American Idol”. As for the HR derby, it pretty much panned out like I expected – they all pretty much sucked. Ron his 2 HR’s, Robert and Erick each hit zero, Brian hit 2, Jesse hit 1, and Jeremy hit 6. Dallas Chris was up last, and after that singing performance, I’d say he needed to earn some points. He informs us that he once played college baseball, which inevitably, set him up to look like an even bigger goon. He hit 0. Not a good day for Chris. So Jeremy wins and gets DeAnna alone in the dugout. Jeremy’s acting very guarded, which seems to be the theme of this episode, and says that there’s bits and pieces of his past that he’s keeping guarded – for the next 10 seconds. So he played the sensitive card and said he was purposefully being guarded, then in the next sentence, he’s telling her what he’s being guarded about. Both of Jeremy’s parents died. That sucks. You wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. Just quit pretending like you weren’t going to tell her when you knew you were going to tell her the whole time since she had a mom that died and you knew that’d be instant access into her pants….errr….heart.
-Let me point out something that a lot of you have mentioned in emails and your comments, but for whatever reason, I didn’t fully grasp until last night. And that’s DeAnna’s blinking disorder. Is that what you call it? A disorder? Whatever it is, it’s just about the most annoying thing I’ve seen outside of the Meeps. How come I never noticed this during Brad’s season? And how come I didn’t fully recognize until last night when she’s sitting in the dugout listening to Jeremy tell her the story about his parents? As I sat there and watcher her, it was almost like a swarm of gnats was circling her face and she was keeping them out of her eyes with how much she blinked. Holy sh** that’s annoying. Sorry DeAnna. As hot as I think you are, I just don’t think we can ever date now since you can’t stop blinking. You’re going to have to move on to someone else. I just can’t handle it. I know, I know, it’ll be ok. Time heals all wounds. Except yours, which apparently never go away. So please, don’t curse me to the other guys on the show. Really, I mean well. I just can’t deal with the fact your eyelashes are suffering epileptic seizures by the minute.
-Erick takes DeAnna out to centerfield and Greeks her to death. No, that wasn’t some sort of sick, sexual term. It just meant that every other word out of his mouth had something to do with the fact that he’s Greek. And she’s Greek. So that must mean that they were meant to be married. Gray haired Brian is up next and DeAnna thinks he’s so perfect already, she wants to know some of his bad habits. He says he’s had two long relationships that he admits he made mistakes in. And then he informs us, just like nudist Paul, “I only want to be married once.” Well that’s nice to know. Because I just assume most people want to be married seven or eight times. Do guys really need to say that on dates? Do women really need to hear their man say that they only plan to be married once to feel more comfortable with them? I sure hope not. Maybe I’m just out of touch. I guess you can’t say the opposite of it, but why not just not say anything at all? I just figured it’s pretty much assumed that everyone who wants to get married, wants it to be their only time.
-Back at the house, we get to see Jason on the phone with his son, Ty. Hold on a second. This is the first time in the history of this show that they’ve ever showed anyone on the phone talking to a friend or family member. Shouldn’t the rules be the same for everybody? You gave up the rights to talk to your son the minute you signed up to do the show – or so I thought. I guess Jason gets to live by his own set of rules. Unfair. Either don’t come on the show, or play by the rules given to everyone else. No, that’s not mean. I’d never leave my kid in the first place, so I’d never put myself in such a ridiculous position. After that, we get to see Tommy Lasorda giving DeAnna one last pep talk before she hands out a rose at the stadium. And this was by far the best quote of the night. Might’ve been the best quote in the last 5 seasons. DeAnna: “Tommy is not only an expert on baseball, but he knows a lot about relationships.” Ha ha….yeah, he does. Especially when they involved illegal prostitution rings. Awesome.
-Jeremy gets the rose at the stadium because he fake pretended like he wasn’t going to tell DeAnna his inner most secrets, but then he did. That tricky bastard. Time now for the final rose ceremony, and Jeremy, Graham, and Paul are safe with roses. Which means they’ll all be living in the mansion next week. That’s two weeks in a row Jeremy will get to live there, and immediately some guys aren’t too thrilled with that. Especially after the other 12 guys arrive for cocktail night and Jeremy greets them with a “Welcome to our home”. Nice job, a-hole. That’ll win you exactly zero friends. Of course, DeAnna is nervous since it’s rose ceremony night. And by golly, she knows what that’s all about. DeAnna: “I know I’ve been in this situation before. I know what they’re going through.” Just shut the hell up already. I’m going to go swallow my own fist now.
-Last time for the guys to make some lasting impressions on DeAnna. And first up is our resident babbler, Twilley the babbling over actor. He babbled yet again trying to save face for the performance at the Magic Castle, then the subsequent even worse performance cornering her after her date with Graham. And this debacle was no better than that the first two. For the first time in a while, this showed shocked me. I was surprised Twilley got a rose. I figured he was done. Jeremy thankfully saves Twilley from embarrassing himself further by stealing DeAnna away – even though he’s already safe for the night and even though he’s gonna have yet another week in the mansion with her. And this of course gets some of the guys panties in a bunch. Most notably, Ron the divorcee. And even Ryan the homely virgin too. In fact, Ryan even calls Jeremy a “d**k” for what he did. (Gasp!) The Lord is not going to take too kindly to those words young man. Now go say 10 “Our Fathers” and wash your mouth out with soap.
-Ron the divorcee gets some time with DeAnna and tells her he thinks his previous divorce bothers her. DeAnna’s quick response: “Ummmm….errrrr….uhhhhh….no, it doesn’t really. I mean, I’ve never dated a divorced man before, but uhhhhhh, sure why not.” Translation: Ron isn’t getting the final rose. That’s another one to cross off the list. I think it’s pretty easy to figure out who the final rose goes to just by process of elimination. We know it won’t be Jason, we can eliminate Ron, I told you last week about the stuff I’ve heard about Jeremy not being it, minus the three guys who got eliminated last night. Now we’re down to 9. And do you really think Twilley has a chance? Down to 8. Think she’ll be proud to bring Jesse and his bag of weed home to her parents? Now its 7. Think she’s going to get all turned on by Robert and his popped collar? That leaves 6. Fred? Are you serious? With that accent? Now it’s 5. Sean and his martial art kicking mullet? Not a chance. That leaves 4. Paul the nudist? Please. Now it’s down to 3. Graham, Gray haired Brian, and Richard. See? You don’t necessarily have to guess who you think she’ll end up with, just figure out who you know she WON’T end up with. I’ve never gone out on a limb in the 2nd episode and predicted a final four, but I will for this season. I’ll go with those final three after my genius deductive reasoning – Graham, Brian, and Richard – and throw in Jeremy. Oh he’ll last. He just won’t be the final one. Trust me. I know these things.
-Onto the rose ceremony. DeAnna: “I know it sounds cliche…..can’t thank you enough….giving me a chance….this is very hard…..know exactly what you’re going through….Im still not over Brad….I wish he were here right now….I miss him so much….I still don’t understand why he dumped me…..can’t we all just get along?”
Ron the divorcee: I wonder if his ex-wife is hotter than DeAnna?
Jesse the pothead: I think instead of giving him a rose, she should give him a blunt.
Robert the douche: The king of all douches thankfully didn’t pop his suit shirt collar.
Gray haired Brian: I don’t know anything about this guy yet. Which probably works in his favor.
Jason the bastard father: Imagine if we found out his sons birthday was during filming. That’s Father of Year status if you ask me.
Fred the accent: I think she should keep him around just so I can hear him pronounce “Chick-aaaaa-go” every episode.
Sean the mullet: Only Chuck Norris has a deadlier roundhouse kick than this guy. And that’s saying something.
Richard: He should just go full on geek next episode and start wearing his white lab coat around the house.
“Gentlemen, DeAnna, this is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready. What’s that? No, Brad isn’t an option to give a rose to. I’m sorry.”
Twilley the babbling over actor: Before the rose ceremony, I thought it’d be Erick, Ryan, and Twilley going home. Apparently Chris horrible national anthem and 0 HR’s weren’t good enough to prove his manhood.
-The post-dumping wrap ups are never really that good on the “Bachelorette” because none of these guys are gonna start crying like a DeAnna or hyperventilating like a Hilary. They’re mindset is, “Whatever. Her loss. Guess I’ll just go bag some other hottie.” So DeAnna gathers the final 12 and gives a toast. “I believe that one of you are my husband.” Really? Well, considering you’ve had about a week with them, and considering that they’re the one that is supposed to propose to you, not the other way around, aren’t you being a tad presumptuous? DeAnna really seems to be counting her chickens before they hatch. Sorry. I couldn’t think of a more clever cliche.
-So check the site tomorrow any possible new updates. If not, I’ll be back next week to tell you what’s going on. I will thank you in advance for all the nice, loving, heartfelt birthday wishes I’m sure you’re all ready to give me. So nice of you. Any questions, queries, comments, criticisms, praises, or birthday gifts, email them to email@example.com. Until next week. Or tomorrow…