-Let’s get to the matter most of you want to know about, and that’s the Chelsea interview. In case you didn’t check back last week, on Thursday I put up a post saying that interview was killed by lawyers who got involved and basically told Chelsea not do it, for fear of any breach of contract I assume. Some of you are blaming me for promoting the interview in last weeks column, and that’s what drew attention to it. Maybe so, but realistically, it would’ve been killed anyway and been taken down within seconds of going up. Here’s what went down: Chelsea and I spoke May 28th over the phone for a good 45 minutes discussing her coming on and doing a recorded interview for the site. She was all for it, said it wouldn’t be an issue, and told me she would hold absolutely nothing back. The problem was, I was in L.A. at the time and had no way to record it until I got back to Dallas and could get in a studio. So I told her I’d call her back when I got into town, and let’s plan for Tuesday or Wednesday of last week. When I finally got a hold of her, she said her PR team, and lawyers over at ABC, told her it’d be in her best interest not to do the interview. She was very apologetic, really wanted to address questions that she knew people had about what went on, but didn’t want to get sued. Fair enough. I feel it’s my responsibility as a “journalist” not to divulge anything I may have been told about what went on. I’d feel I’d be breaking a promise I made to her and I wouldn’t want to put her in any trouble.
-I cannot fault Chelsea for not being able to do the interview. I doubt any of you would in the same situation. My problem is with ABC and how all this is handled. You see, every week after guys (and girls) get eliminated, they all do a conference call with the media talking about their experience. And usually one or two of those people’s interviews are up on some website within a couple days (www.realitytvworld.com is one of them). Problem is, ABC monitors these calls and if a question gets too intrusive, they don’t allow that person to answer it. So all you get are these softball questions of “How was your experience?”, “Why didn’t DeAnna pick you?”, “What’d you learn?”, yada yada yada. I don’t want to hear that crap and I don’t think anyone does because they’re not being truthful. Maybe they are to a certain extent, but there’s really a lot more to the story than what these people are allowed to say. And that’s the stuff I want to know. Basically, I’m Lt. Caffey in “A Few Good Men”: “I want the truth!” These people eliminated from the show are basically doing what the “Oceanic Six” did at their press conference – lying about their time on the show (island). And that was the stuff I was going to get from Chelsea til ABC came in and killed it. Look, I think I’ve made it quite clear to anyone that reads this column how I feel about this show: it’s a joke. There’s nothing real whatsoever about what we’re seeing. And I’m trying to convert as many of you as possible to believe that along with me. Some of you like living in fantasy worlds and on message boards pretending what you’re seeing on this show is legitimate, and I’m here to tell you it’s not. Hence the reason my column is one big j**k off read. I have fun with it. And so should you. Please, I’m begging you, do not watch this show because you’re looking for two people to fall in love. You’ll be disappointed time and time again. Watch it for pure entertainment value and that’s it. It’s much more fun that way. If you take the show seriously, and you take my column seriously, you are basically missing the point of everything.
-I see where some of you were against hearing from Chelsea for whatever reason, so let me make this clear. She did not come to me. I came to her and asked if she wanted to do an interview. During the course of our conversation, I could tell there were a lot of things she wanted to get off her chest. She’s not whining and complaining about how she was edited, nor is she begging to tell her side of the story. But there were obviously things that occurred that the viewing audience has no idea about and she felt people should make their judgments about her and how she was portrayed after hearing what she had to say. I’m kinda curious as to why so many people are quick to say, “We already know what she’s gonna say anyway”, or “What a sore loser”, or “Go away”. Let me assure you that Chelsea had more to say than anything you’ve already read or heard from her and the last thing she came across as to me was a “sore loser”. She had too many self depricating comments about herself for me to think she was coming across as a sore loser. I’m sure plenty of you will tell me to put my pom-poms down and think I’m just defending her because I talked to her – I can read you people like a book. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. We were definitely going to get into some of the stuff that I criticized her for during the course of the season, namely, why she was so standoff-ish on the boat during her overnight date, and what was the deal with giving us a strip tease for the show? Both of which she had answers for that I felt were sufficient enough reasons. Blame ABC, not her. If ABC had nothing to hide, then why won’t they allow her to do the interview? And not just Chelsea, but anyone who’s on the show? So go ahead ABC. I dare you. Let one of your people do an interview with me. What’s the worst that can happen?
-I’ve realized that because of what I do, and how I write my column, that ABC will never grant me an interview with one of their people because I’m not a “news” site. I’m someone with opinions. And someone that wants to expose their show for all the lies and misrepresentation that it gives us on a weekly basis. Not because I’m a vindictive person, but because I find the stuff that they DON’T show us is a hell of a lot more interesting than what they do show us. Who doesn’t want to know what goes on behind the scenes? You all do. However, by doing this column in its current form, I’m never going to be able to get the kind of interviews that I want to do. So it’s kind of a dilemma. If you go to www.thesmokinggun.com, you’ll find in their archives a copy of Trista’s contract with ABC when she was on the show. Basically, everyone who appears on the show is contractually obligated to them for one year from the time their finale airs. So all interviews and media requests and appearances must all be pre-approved by ABC and their people. So could I interview Chelsea some day for the site with no restrictions? Sure. But it wouldn’t be for a year from now, and by then, it wouldn’t be as interesting anymore, nor would it be relevant. We live in a day and age now with 24 hour news services, and gossip sites all over the place that are putting up pictures of Britney’s va-jay-jay the night after it happens. People nowadays want to know your opinion right after it happens and not a minute later. If I had a tell-all interview with Chelsea a week after she got dumped by Matt, wouldn’t that be much more interesting than if she told me all this stuff a year from now? You’d be like, “Who cares? That’s old news.”
-So that’s where we stand. As far as me getting the interviews that I want to do, it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen because ABC doesn’t want us to see what’s going on behind the curtain. And that’s frustrating. And will ultimately lead to the demise of this column I’m sure. I’ve been at this thing for 6 years doing this just for fun. There’ll come a time I’m sure when I want to start doing more journalistic type stuff. I don’t know when that’ll be, but just know this isn’t gonna go on forever. In the meantime, we’ll all watch the show, laugh at it, make fun of the people on it, and have a jolly good time. Let’s get to it….
-Holy crap! They didn’t start with DeAnna getting dumped by Brad? What? What happened here? Oh yeah, I forgot. ABC reads my column. So whatever I say now, they’re going to do the opposite. I hear ya’. Thanks guys. Glad I have so much influence. We start out with Robert, Jason, and Fred headed up to the mansion because they got roses last week. All 9 bags of douche are told that there will be a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and a 2-on-1 where someone will get a rose, and someone will go home. Or so we thought. I definitely have some opinions on how that whole thing went down. The 1-on-1 date will go to whatever one of these composers can write and sing the best song for DeAnna. The only problem was, in the previews for the show, they show DeAnna on her 1-on-1 date dancing with a short dude with long hair. Gee? I wonder who that could be? It was kinda obvious who was going to win this Bachelor version of “American Idol”. And this episode took me probably an extra 15 minutes to watch this week because I had to make sure I wrote down all these guys lyrics correctly. Wouldn’t want to screw with this type of genius. So here goes nothing. Fred was up first. Ummmmm, he tried. I guess that counts, right?
Fred: He really can’t believe what he’s about to do. Or, as he put it, “Oh Maye Gay-ad”.
“The Bachelorette season is here again, DeAnna Pappas is searchin for a husband
She put her heart on the line, to find a man that’s funny and fine
DeAnna’s opened up with her heart and soul, If I see those pigtails again I may lose control
But what’s most important for to get, is that I’m here for her heart with no regrets”
Hmmmm….so Fred wants us to know that he reaches orgasm when he sees DeAnna in pigtails? Thanks for the visual Fred. Really appreciate that. I think I’m gonna go hurl my dinner.
Graham: He wants to let everyone know immediately that he can’t sing or write. “I’m gonna get through it by hoping everyone just laughs enough and I slide through the radar.” Ummmm, I think you mean slide under the radar, pal. Or maybe you just didn’t want to count your chickens before they broke open from the eggs. Or quite possibly, you were looking to kill two stones with one bird. Hey, do well enough in this competition, and you know what they say? “The squeaky tire gets the Armor All.” Graham, stop talking.
“Step out the side door, like a bird to the sky
When no one knows theres conflict between you and I
Twenty-five to one is a difficult time
Enjoy those cocktail parties and occasional glasses of wine”
It’s safe to say that Graham is the insecure one of the group. Always gotta be bringing up this is a competition and that there’s other guys in the house he’s competing against. Yes Graham, we know. This is the 16th season of this garbage. We are well aware of how the show works. Well, most of us are. The rest of them think the show is real, can’t want to run to their message boards everyday, and post 2,700 times in a 12 month period. I don’t even want to know what some of those people do for a living. There’s no possible way someone can be fully employed, work normal business hours, and post on message boards all day long. Impossible. And if they are, their job can’t be making them more than $10 an hour. Do these people, like, get to vote? They actually have a say in who gets to be our next President? God help us.
-I’d like to tell you what Robert sang but I couldn’t understand a word he said. He wore a cowboy hat, sunglasses, and mumbled his whole song. There is so much I find wrong with that guy, it’s not even funny. The best thing about him though is at least he doesn’t have very much of an ego. Seems very grounded with an uncanny ability to be right on point with how people perceive him. Dude, you’re a complete a-hole.
Twilley: We get one sentence of his gem.
“Oh darlin please, please don’t cry, I haven’t come, to say goodbye”
Thank you very much, Twilley. What a stirring rendition of “Twilley’s Piece of Crap Ballad”. Keep up the great work. If Robert is the biggest poser on the show, then Twilley is no doubt the underdog. But not the underdog that people cheer for. More like the underdog people feel sorry for. The effort is there, but the game is certainly not.
Jeremy: Well, since he’s too cool to sing, MC J-Dog figured he’d rap a few lines for us. Let’s just say Eminem isn’t shaking in his boots right now.
“Six guys in the house, which one do you choose
To take to dinner tonight, pick the wrong one and you lose
The chance to see what I absolutely believe
I’m the best for you, and I hope you do too”
I had a real hard time following along with that. Where did one verse end and the next one start? If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought the guy was a regular composer with that literary genius. Jeremey puts the pen to paper, and magic appears. And when I say magic, I mean a steaming pile of manure.
Sean: This guy is a country folk, so I was guessing he’d come up with something good for this. He’d just write a song like every other country one out there. His ex cheated on him, or his dog died, or his drinking problem, or driving his Chevy truck. This should be cake.
“When I look into your eyes, I feel my heart flutter
When I hear you speak, I do the same and stutter
You put your heart on the line that was inspirational
Every time we’re together, its always sensational”
At least his song made sense. It’s just that all he cared about was rhyming and nothing else. But the fact someone from Kentucky knows how to rhyme anything is about as impressive as it gets. I’m blown away. I was half expecting this guy to be blowing into a jug the whole time he was singing.
-Jason really lost me on his song. I think we got one line, but he was wearing Kanye sunglasses and wasn’t really making sense. Hey, can you blame him? His son has a star named after him now. He’s in the drivers seat.
Jesse: After he set his up with, “The two toughest things for me to do are write and sing”, it was kinda obvious he was getting the rose. Outside of the fact that we saw his 5’5″ midget ass dancing with DeAnna in the previews.
“DeAnna you make me smile on the inside and laugh on the outside
DeAnna your limo rides are awesome and your helo rides make me jealous
DeAnna I want you to know that this is real it’s just how I feel
DeAnna please don’t send me away cuz’ I’ll cry on the plane DeAnna”
He wins because he was on one knee the whole time and held her hand. None of the other brainiacs were smart enough to figure that out. Brian was last but he was a little too serious and I was tired of writing down lyrics. Just know he didn’t win. And Brian, Taylor Hicks called, he wants his gray hair back.
-All right. It’s obvious these guys had no game whatsoever. You want some lyrical free stylin’, you come to me. Gimmie a beat.
“Lying beside you, here in the dark, feeling your heart beat with mine,
Softly you whisper, you’re so sincere, how could our love be so blind,
We sailed on together, we drifted apart,
And here you are by my side,
So now I come to you with open arms,
nothing to hide, believe what I say,
So here I am, with open arms,
Hoping you’ll see, what your love means to me
Sniff, sniff. Sorry. Had to. Best slow song ever. And you think I’m kidding. Anyway, this is more like it:
“All right stop, collaborate and listen,
Ice is back with my brand new invention,
Something, grabs a hold of me tightly….”
Oops. I would never plagiarize from the Ice Man. I have a thing for “Ice Ice Baby” though. Seems to have become my default theme song. Just ask people at the last three weddings I attended.
Anyway, let’s get to it. The world premiere of Reality Steve’s song written for DeAnna Pappas
DeAnna DeAnna I like your style, you got a lotta spunk
Turn that booty around so I gets me some of that junk in the trunk,
Your body is slammin, it’s too legit to quit
So why are you letting these douchebags anywhere near it,
You’re blinking drives me crazy, it give me fits
But it’s all made up for by your perfect round melons on the front of your chest”
Bam! Awwwww yeah, bitch! Beat that Jeremy. If that didn’t win her heart, nothing would.
-So it’s time for the 1-on-1 date with Jesse and DeAnna is excited. “I’m not trying to change Jesse. I just wanna make sure our lives fit together.” And why wouldn’t they? He’s a dope smoking, clothing-line promoting, snowboarder from Colorado and you’re a realtor from Georgia. I mean, can two people be any more perfect for each other? Oh, they can’t? Oops. Well, I hope you enjoy your little concert anyway. They arrive at the Wiltern in L.A. (where they film the Hollywood rounds of “American Idol” for those that don’t know), and on the marquee, DeAnna has her own message put up: “One Night Only…..Just For You Jesse….Love DeAnna”. Awwwww….so sweet. It’s not like he got a star named after him, but cute nonetheless. Jesse’s favorite phrase to use is “Hey, you got anymore rolling paper?” No, kidding. Instead of saying “rad”, or “dope”, or “cool”, to him, things are “outta control”. I think he says this three times in the first two minutes of walking into the theater. He’s blown away. First by the fact he actually has on a suit and tie and normal dress shoes. And secondly, that he’s hanging at the Wiltern with a chick who isn’t baked out of her mind.
-Their date went o.k. I guess. She seemed to like him. He said all the stuff he’s supposed to say about wanting to be there for her, having an amazing time, and he knows how much he likes her because he hasn’t had a bong rip in at least 2 hours and that’s some sort of record for him. Which immediately impresses DeAnna. “You’ve definitely made an impression….I’m not gonna lie. I’m not typically attracted to someone like you.” Translation: I’ve never dated a stoner before. But maybe there is something good that can come out of it. Maybe become your dealer. Possibly move to Colorado and hang with the rest of your stoner friends. Maybe even take up snowboarding and be even more out of my element when I’m with you. Whatever DeAnna’s feeling right now, it’s definitely a positive for Jesse. He’s totally gonna score with this chick, like, totally. And apparently DeAnna isn’t bothered in the least bit by this Owen Wilson nose of his. Frankly, I can’t stop focusing on it. Let’s see, DeAnna was in love and fell for a guy that looked like Brad Womack, and now she’s telling us she’s interested in this troll snowboarder from Colorado? Well, at least she doesn’t discriminate. She’s proven to us that she will give the uglies a chance.
-DeAnna: “There is something so comfortable about Jesse – I don’t feel so pressured to have a relationship with him.” Wait, huh? I thought that’s what you were looking for? I thought you didn’t want to be led on again? Since when has anyone pressured you to be in a relationship. Brad dumped you, and you claimed you hadn’t dated since until this show began. So exactly what pressure are you referring to? Yeah, I’m confused. This chick doesn’t know what she wants. Maybe that’s why next week we’re getting a “DeAnna Tells All” episode as breaks down her final six. Really? Where the hell did that come from? Why are we getting a “DeAnna Tells All” episode in the middle of the season? Somethings not right about that. The only positive we get out of it is that next weeks episode is only a hour. Yippee. I find it awfully strange why we would need to hear DeAnna handicapping her final six when we they haven’t done that in sixteen previous seasons. AND, we’re still getting a “Men Tell All” episode later on. So, Matt and Shayne are the happiest couple ever, and we get an “After the Final Rose” episode, yet this season, we’re getting two different “Tell All” episodes? That obvioiusly means we’re not getting an “After the Final Rose” for this one either. I guess that the rumors are true then. And some of you may have read that Shayne posted on her MySpace page her and Matt will be having an “After the Final Rose” show sometime in July. If that’s the case, I hope they invite Chelsea for their own sake just to make the show interesting. I’ll try and find out if this is actually true.
-So these two got to slow dance to Natasha Bedingfield. I don’t know what album she had to promote, or what favor she owed Mike Fleiss, but I’m sure she got a hefty appearance fee to sing a romantic song on a show which has little to do with romance and love. Especially between these two. “I feel like I’m the only woman in the world with Jesse”. Really? Cuz’ it looks to me like you guys would be the shortest couple this show has ever produced. And if Jesse had any less rhythm, I think we’d officially be able to say he has two left feet. I think DeAnna is more caught up in the moment more than who she’s with. If that were her and Brad on the dance floor, she’d probably start crying. Brad Womack vs. Jesse the snowboarder. It’s killing her right now that six months ago, her life was in a much better place than it is now. Damn Brad. Look what you did. She’s stuck with these gaggle of misfits who can’t sing.
-The group date is next as she takes Jeremy, Jason, Sean, Twilley, Graham, and Brian to the race track. The guy with the highest speed around the track gets some time alone with DeAnna. And if stock cars and racin’ are involved, you know this is where Sean wants to be. Sean: “I’m in my element today baby! I’m takin’ it!”. Yep. Just give him a wad of Skoal, a mesh hat, and some beef jerky, and this bumpkin’ feels right at home. So these guys do their race and here’s the speed each guy got up to: Brian 140 mph, Jason 138 mph, Graham 136 mph, Jeremy 129 mph, Twilley 140.59 mph, and Sean 141 mph. Sean wins and couldn’t be more stoked “I’m droppin’ the hammer, baby!” Sean, quit yelling. At any point I was expecting a “Yeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaw” to come flying out of his mouth. Sadly, it didn’t. Nothing says “class” more than a “Yee-haw”. And Sean is full of class. And moonshine. So when Sean finally got some alone time, he wasted no time going for the corny cliche. “I feel like this is a race for your heart. And right now, I’m not in the lead. That worries me.” DeAnna’s response couldn’t have been more predictable: “When I say I know exactly what you’re going through, I know exactly what you’re going through.” Oh Christ. Here she goes again. Brad this, Brad that, I was dumped, I know how it feels, I’ve been in your position. I wonder how long into this season did ABC realize they made a horrible decision casting a chick who clearly isn’t over getting dumped?
-After Sean gets to hear DeAnna’s nonsense about once being in his position, now it’s Graham’s turn. They go under the bleachers and talk and flirty and have a grand ol’ time until it comes time for them to smooch. Uh oh. DeAnna: “You’re going to kiss me, right?” Graham: “I don’t want to be one of a bunch.” Ouch. This did not sit well with DeAnna. When she asks you to kiss her, you kiss her dammit. And basically calling her a kissing whore to her face probably isn’t earning you any bonus points Graham. Nice going. This isn’t like she asked you to bed her after she just rolled over on Jeremy or something. She’s asking for an innocent little kiss under the bleachers. Is that too much to ask? I guess for Graham it is because he’s Mr. Insecure. He doesn’t like that she’s kissed other guys, so he’s not kissing her until it can be special. Seems to me like DeAnna really likes Graham, but when you have to force some guy to kiss you, I’d say that’s a huge red flag. This guy should be ripping your clothes off the minute he gets you away from the other guys, yet this little skirt is worried you kissed somebody else that he’s acting like you have coodies. I hate to say this Graham, but for the love of God, grow a pair would you? Quit being such a vagina. Seriously. I expect that type of behavior from one of the girls during the “Bachelor”.
-Back at the mansion, Robert and Fred await their date box asking them “Who has a recipe for love? One rose, one stays, and one goes.” Yeah, sure they do. Kinda false advertising if you ask me. All the sudden now DeAnna can unilaterally change the rules of the game? Really? Her? Who you’ve bent over backwards for since Brad ditched her? Nice. At this rate, next season she’ll be producing the show as well. Robert is convinced he knows what it’ll take to get that rose. “It’s all about the kiss, man. Whoever she kisses will come back to the mansion.” Well, at least he got that part right since he was basically wrong about everything else he did or said that day. I can’t imagine a day going any worse than it did for Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert. Brutal. And oh yeah, Sean got the rose on the group date. Probably cuz they’re both from the South and he gave her some of his pork rinds to share. Either that, or he did his “Achy Breaky Heart” karaoke for her that they decided not to show us. Talk about a guy who went from a laughingstock in the 80’s to everyone’s favorite dad now. Billy Ray Cyrus sure has turned his career around. Good for him. Just try and keep that little nugget daughter of yours on the straight and narrow. She’s already starting to venture into Britney and Lindsay territory with all her internet mishaps. Please don’t ruin her. I like my Miley pure and innocent. I’m going to jail.
-The guys in the outhouse figured they would throw DeAnna a little BBQ because, well, the producers probably told them too. Nothing exciting has been happening and maybe they figured some good overreacting by DeAnna is just what this show needs right about now. And right on cue, it happens. Imagine that. So DeAnna the attention whore is feeling left out because no one is talking to her. Call me crazy, but I’m guessing the editing had a lot to do with this scene. I mean really? Nine guys throw a BBQ for her and all decided to play grab ass with each other? Please. All I know is Robert had on a polo shirt and popped his collar again because he’s a loser. The funny thing is, I bet all the guys in the house kept telling, “Dude, keep wearing your collar like that. It looks cool”, and Robert thinking the whole time that everyone’s trying to be his boy. When in essence, they’re all laughing at what a ridiculous look that is. Whoever told him it was cool to pop his collar is a freakin’ genius that this guy listened to them. He looks so unbelievably retarded, yet he’s completely clueless. He thinks he’s God’s gift right now. Far from it, buddy.
-Robert and his popped collar go back inside the outhouse and just sit there to pout I assume. He’s pouting because all the guys made him chef for the day and he felt like he was ganged up on. I guess there could be a little truth to that. Or they just picked on him because he’s an outcast with horrible fashion sense. Whatever the case, he’s by himself ignoring DeAnna. She comes in and asks him what’s wrong, he has no real good answer, so she storms off and confronts all the guys. While hyperventilating and crying, here’s goes another “woe is me” DeAnna rant. “You’re all breakin my heart….I came down here today to hang out with y’all and I feel all alone….If you don’t want to hang out, then go home….” Robert chimes in, “But I…I…I…errr…uhhhh…I…I…I”. DeAnna: “I’m not just talking about you Robert! God you’re such a wuss! I know this is hard. I know it’s not easy knowing I’m dating other guys and kissing other guys. Now I’m talking to you Graham, you pansy. I know how you guys feel! I’ve been in your position! (Awwww christ. Again with that stuff). I’m putting 100% into this and it’s just not fair.” No, what’s not fair is us being subjected to your scripted tirades re-living your past experience on the show. You know what that whole scene was about? DeAnna’s craving for more attention. Basically she said, “I’m who you’re here for. Everything about this BBQ should revolve around me. Please give me more attention.” Ugh. What a turn off.
-After that drama sequence, DeAnna has to get ready for her 2-on-1 date with Robert and Fred, you know, the one where “One stays and one goes home.” That one. Well, it’s later that night after her BBQ meltdown. And since it’s such a big date to find out if there’s chemistry with either of them, she decides that dinner at the mansion is the place to do it. I think this is the first 2-on-1 date in the shows history where the three of them weren’t out somewhere. Probably was a sign of things to come. Fred and Robert arrive and for the life of me, I couldn’t understand Roberts fashion sense yet again. Is the collar popped? No, thankfully. But the hell if his dress shirt isn’t unbuttoned halfway down his chest. Are you kidding me? Robert, of the nine guys left, you by far have the most unflattering figure out there. The Pillsbury dough boy is jealous of your stomach, yet you’re flaunting your chest like you’re Antonio Banderas. This guy is about the King of all Douches at this point. He couldn’t possibly come across as any more cheesy and creepy at the same time.
-DeAnna asks the guys what’s the most romantic thing they’ve ever done for a woman. Of course, Robert speaks up first with the biggest B.S. story this side of Matt and Shayne being in love. “I flew my ex-fiancee to Vegas, had a helicopter chartered, we toured all the sites, then we landed and I had five bags of red rose petals leading back to the bed where it spelled ‘I Love You’. Took me about 6 months to pay that all off but it was worth it.” Barf. I don’t believe that for a second. It was probably a bike ride on the strip, he bought 12 carnations, left them on the ground in front of the door to their room at the Imperial Palace, and spelled “I Luf You” wrong. There’s nothing genuine about this guy whatsoever, and he comes across as such a cheesed**k that I’m supposed to believe he chartered a helicopter around Vegas for the night? C’mon. Uhhhhhh, Fred? Your turn. Fred: “Way-ell aaaaahhhhh, I hay-ad my girlfriends bay-gs pay-cked when she gaat home from work and we went camping on Lake Geneva.” Well, I knew Fred couldn’t possibly have topped Roberts line of crap, so he went with the ol’ “surprise trip to Lake Geneva” card. Not bad. “A” for effort. But by the way he told the story, it sounded like he was making up as he went along.
-So after these two get done telling their fake romantic stories Robert pulls DeAnna aside for my favorite part of the show: him getting rejected. All the while Robert is telling us one-on-one to the camera what an amazing connection he and DeAnna have, they show him on the couch with her. And it’s 100% clear to everyone watching, except Robert, that she has no interest in him. “There is a connection between D and I. I can read people. It could get naughty. It could get naughty.” What???!!! Dude, you are so far gone, you’re hopeless. So as he’s telling this to camera, they pan back to him on the couch with DeAnna and he grabs her head, leans in, and asks for a kiss. Uhhh, no dice poser. DeAnna stones him and says, “Ooohhh, maybe here.” And turns her cheek. Outstanding. Best thing she’s done all season. And the best part? Robert acts like he’s satisfied with that. “That works.” Yeah, I bet it did. On the comedy scale, it definitely worked. A 10, no doubt. DeAnna: “I had to give Robert the dodge. I definitely didn’t feel like that was a romantic moment to kiss.” I hope Robert watched last night’s show in his room all by himself with the door closed. I’d be afraid to show my face in public last night after that performance. And yet, he still thought he was getting a rose.
-Freds alone time is up next, and your heart just goes out to the guy. Immediately, you just know this guy is in the “friends” category. Nice guy, will treat his woman well, but nice guys finish last. DeAnna wants something she can’t have, and she knows she can have Fred. Look at who she’s attracted to? Brad and Graham. One guy doesn’t want her anymore and the other presents a challenge. Oh well. Which then brings us to DeAnna being able to change the rules of the show. She gets back to the dinner table and says, “I’ve been on a 2-on-1 date before. I know how both of you feel right now (Just shoot me, please). But Robert, I cannot give you this rose tonight…..and if I was held at gunpoint and forced to be with you, I might just have to take the bullet.” Robert, needless to say, is stunned since he was put on this earth for two reasons and two reasons only: to cook and charm all women with his creepiness. “I’m not used to rejection. It’s a funny taste to stomach. Can’t believe I misread the connection. It’s sad. I had very real feelings for her.” All this while tears stream down his face. It was really heartbreaking, I tell ya’. It’s not very often that a Cassanova like Robert gets put in his place. How must it feel when all the women he’s ever encountered have just thrown themselves at him over the course of the years, and now on national television, the Greek chick that Brad Womack wanted no part of just gave you the turn away on a kiss and sent him packing? Gotta be rough. I’m he’ll be o.k. Just needs to regroup, throw on a pink polo, pop that collar, and get back out there. Ladies, the Rob-meister is back on the market.
-So with Robert gone, I’m sure Fred feels all excited he gets tonights rose. Not so fast, my friend. Remember, it’s DeAnna’s show and she’s making all the rules. Look, she knew damn well before the date that she didn’t feel a romantic connection with either of these guys. Why even give us the 2-on-1 “one stays, one goes home” line. This was all done for shock value. She could’ve easily given Fred the rose for the night, then just dumped him the next week. That’s not leading him on. It’s called following what the date card said. But of course, DeAnna has become part of the Moral Police now that Brad sh**canned her, and she’s now in a position of power to do something about it. She tells Fred, “I got led on by Brad and I cannot bring myself to lead you on too. I just don’t see it turning into anything more.” She can claim Brad led her on all she wants, but the fact is its complete ridiculousness. Brad had a contract to do a show that whittled 25 women down to one. I’m sure by the 2nd or 3rd episode he realized he wasn’t finding a wife on the show, but they still had 5 more episodes to do. He had to keep going and eliminating women. He couldn’t just up and leave and say, “Screw it. I don’t like any of them.” So he kept around the ones he liked better than others. If you can’t seem to grasp that concept honey, then I don’t know what to tell you. I’m sure Fred could care less about you talking about Brad yet again as you’re sending him home. DeAnna’s parting words: “He said all the things I wanted my future husband to say to me….but I did not see myself ever falling in love with him.” Gee, isn’t that almost word for word what Brad said about you? Then how come Fred is leaving with his dignity and wishing you all the best, but we had to listen to you whine and bitch for 3 months about being confused, and being led on, and all your other emotional outbursts? Hello pot? This is the kettle calling.
-The last ditch cocktail party was left. I’m really not gonna go into what happened here in detail since most of it was pretty uneventful. With Robert and Fred both leaving, seven guys remained, and six were getting roses, it was pretty obvious which final two were battling it out for the final rose. And Brian was one of them. He had some interesting things to say. “I never go to sleep mad. I hate that. I plan on getting married one time. That’s why I’m 31 and single. Just want it to be one time.” Hey, me too. That’s why I’m 33 and single. Don’t want to waste it on anybody I’m gonna end up hating in the end anyway. Thanks for the new lease on life, Brian. I’ve fully accepted my singlehood now thanks to your pearls of wisdom. I am a better man today than I was yesterday. Twilley got some alone time to act nervous and babble incoherently about some sort of connection he thinks they have. He’s just a giant goofball if you ask me. And Graham apologized for being such a wuss the during the racing date saying he finally removed his tampon and feels much, much better now. They kissed and it was awkward again. DeAnna likes kissing him with her eyes open and one seems to pull away from each other before the other does.
-Onto the rose ceremony. Jesse and Sean are safe with roses. DeAnna means business tonight. “This has been intense and emotional…..I apologize….thanks again…putting your hearts on the line for me….I can’t thank you enough….the fact that anyone still likes me after I talk about my ex as much as I do is really surprising…”
Jason: Forgot to mention that after the double dumping of Fred and Robert, DeAnna came back to a mansion with only Jason in it. He got some.
Jeremy: Definitely not because of his singing skills.
Twilley: Really? Again? Well, at least we only have one more week of him.
“Gentleman, DeAnna, this is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready. I know this is tough since there’s Graham and Brian left. Considering Brian is a mute with gray hair and you’ve been slobbering all over Graham since he walked into the mansion, be sure to let Brian down easy.”
Graham: DeAnna really seems to like him and he really seems to not give a crap about the whole show.
-Brian didn’t leave us with any memorable comments before his departure. And rightfully so. We barely heard anything from him all season. So next week, we get a special “DeAnna Tells All” episode handicapping the final six. Develop your own conspiracy theories for that one since it’s never been done before. I’ve already got mine. Seems rather odd that they’re just gonna shoe horn in that show the week before the hometown dates. I’ve heard the rumors, and this show kinda lends a little truth to them if you ask me. We’ll see after watching what she has to say.
-One quick note, I emailed Chelsea about Shayne’s post on her MySpace on there possibly being an “ATFR” rose show in July and if she’s heard anything or if she’s been contacted to appear. She said she knows nothing about it. So I guess it’s gonna be an hour fluff piece re-visiting Matt and Shayne’s fairy tale love story, coupled with them telling us what their life has been like for the past couple months. Great. Can’t wait. I’ll be sure to set my Tivo for that. Anyway, if you have any questions, comments, queries, criticisms, praises, or need any sex/relationship/marriage advice, feel free to email me at email@example.com. Until next week….