-Much shorter column this week. Thank God. There’s really no reason to do a full recap of the “DeAnna Tells All” episode considering she didn’t really tell us much that we already didn’t know. And I’m still trying to figure out why for the first time in 16 seasons they even decided to do a show where the “Bachelor/Bachelorette” handicaps the final six. Especially this season where it was pretty obvious which four she was keeping. If you looked at any spoilers in the past month, you knew that Jason, Jeremy, Jesse, and Graham were the final four. Hell, even if you didn’t, if you watched the previews for the rest of the season, they showed her on hometown dates and overnight dates with those four. The only clips you saw of Sean and Twilley were from last nights episode. So here are just a few quick thoughts from what I remember about the “Tell All” episode. I never wrote anything down so this is all coming off what I can remember. I’m guessing there’ll be a few things I forgot or mixed up:
-I was kinda confused as to when this thing was actually filmed. Was it filmed after she had narrowed her choices down to six and before this whole Palm Springs date took place, or was it filmed after the show was completed, and she had to go back and remember what her feelings were like before the Palm Springs dates took place? Usually I could figure this stuff out, but last night, I wasn’t sure. If I had to guess, I’d say it was all done after the show was finished filming. They just sat her down and said, “Look, people like Reality Steve are bitching the show is two hours every week. So we’ve decided that you’re too boring to show for 120 once every 7 days. What we’re gonna do is sit you down, talk to you for a little bit, rehash everything we’ve shown for the last month, and have you talk about it like you’re really straining on whether to keep Sean and Twilley around. And oh yeah, it gives us time to give ‘up close and personal’ videos of the remaining guys. Which is always never interesting.”
-Host Chris asked her why she dumped Richard since apparently tens of people wanted to know. She said when they were having dinner, and he pulled her hair back to kiss her, and she didn’t want to kiss him back, she knew right then it wasn’t meant to be for him. Well that’s good to know. Didn’t she already tell us this? I mean, is she really all broken up that she sent that guy home? Is she really having second thoughts? Please. I don’t buy it. She didn’t like him, so she dumped him. Plain and simple. No need to mask it with how upset she was. Like Richard is sitting at home and wants to hear that. He’s probably already found himself some new tail at the Science Fair anyway.
-I think the only piece of video I found interesting about any of the guys was Sean. Dude is a lot more metrosexual than I originally thought. He fake bakes every day, he wears a lot of facial products, and Ron the divorcee cut his hair during the show. I think we all kinda assumed that since in the first episode he had a mullet, and after that, his hair was noticeably shorter. I think the one things we would’ve all liked to have known about Sean is what Kentucky Ma’ and Pa’ clothing store provided him with is God awful suits? In the piece, they showed his closet loaded with only “name brand” clothes.” Really? Name brand in whose eyes? I didn’t notice any Armani or Joseph Abboud suits hanging around. If J Crew and Millers Outpost is considered name brand, then I’ve completely lost my sense of style.
-I noticed that Jeremy got to ride around on one of his motorcyles in downtown Dallas all by himself. Must’ve been nice they shut down the streets downtown all just for Jeremy so they can film him on his crotch rocket. Probably why I had traffic problems getting into work one day. Thanks Jeremy and ABC. Partnering together to cause traffic gridlock downtown. And Jeremy had a dog. Cute. Not as cute as Maddie, but cute. And for those curious, Maddie is doing just fine. I don’t think I’ll ever purchase anything more important than her the rest of my life. No matter what kinda mood I’m in, she’s always excited to see me, and that can’t help but cheer someone up. If she were a female person, Id date her.
-Before we get started, one thing I wanted to address from last week. As I mentioned, every week, booted contestants from this show do a conference call interview for the media that’s monitored by ABC. And there are plenty of news sites that print these interviews on their page, one being www.realitytvworld.com (you can click on the link to the right to get to it). Anyway, they interviewed Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert, and I thought this was an interesting tidbit from the interview:
Reality TV World: DeAnna basically called you a hypocrite when she asked how you deal with relationship problems and you replied communication, only to have her bring up the example of earlier in the day with the BBQ. Did you have any idea DeAnna would react the way she did?
Robert: To be honest with you, there were a lot of other things going on besides my issue with what I heard when I went down to the outhouse that day. I just was the icing on the cake for that breakdown. She was really hung up on something else that was really bothering her and I just kind of set her off.
Reality TV World: What was that something else?
Robert: I can’t go into what that was. But, I’m okay with the fact of knowing that I wasn’t the butt of all of it.
See? This sucks. And this wasn’t the only answer he gave where he talked about not being able to say anything. This is the stuff I’m guessing most people want to hear about. It basically means ABC is purposely not showing us things that ultimately affect the outcome of certain behaviors and decisions. What a load of crap.
-The show begins with Host Chris telling the six remaining guys that DeAnna will be taking all of them on a road trip to Palm Springs, no roses will be given out, and the next time you see him will be at the Rose Ceremony. Is this really important information to the guys? Are all of them worried about Host Chris’ whereabouts and when they’ll see him next while they’re trying to get naked with DeAnna in Palm Springs? I sure hope not. One guy who’s totally baked, and impressed, with DeAnna is Jesse. “She knows how to pick her spots and where to take us.” Huh? Does he really believe DeAnna goes to ABC and tells them which dates she’d like to go on and where she wants to take them? Jesse, dump out the bong water and listen up. DeAnna isn’t choosing where you guys are going. And when you get to your hotel room in Palm Springs, she isn’t the one who picked it out, vacuumed the carpets, or made the beds. She has about as much say in where you go and what you do as I do. And you know that helicopter that’s about to come pick you up? Not her idea either. I wonder if Jesse had ever watched this show before. Something tells me no. Something tells me he had more important things to do like, ummmm, uhhhhh, wake and bake. And snowboard.
-Sean gets a 1-on-1 date with DeAnna at the top of mountain. They’re going to have dinner and then “If I have a connection with him, I’ll invite him back to my suite for dessert.” Dessert? Is that what kids are calling it nowadays? Post-dinner intercourse is now referred to as “dessert”. Hmmmmm…seems appropriate I guess. I think Sean is beginning to have real feelings for DeAnna. He talks about taking risks and he’s here for the right reasons blah blah blah, then he drops this doozy on her, “I’d rather walk around with a loaded gun, then not with one at all.” Whoa. Too much information, pal. You might hurt somebody walking around with a loaded gun. Didn’t you ever see “There’s Something About Mary”? You gotta take care of that. I hope you saw that movie since it was the last time Cameron Diaz looked good in anything. Talk about someone that bugs the piss out of me. There isn’t a single actress on the planet that I despise more than Cameron Diaz. She’s an over-actor, has gotten uglier by the day, and basically plays the same character in every movie she’s in – drunk, ditzy girl that at some point in the movie, will start dancing at a club or in a bar, and throw a lot of “Woo hoo’s” out there. No thanks. If you look like Jessica Alba, feel free to do that every day of the week and twice on Sundays. If you’re face is shaped like a frying pan, it’s annoying. See how that works? Basically, if you’re hot, you can get away with things other people can’t. And when I say “other people”, I mean “the uglies”. Yes, I know. It’s a tough life we lead, but hey, someone’s got to do it. And by the way, Maxim just came out with their Hottest 100 women in Hollywood, ummmmm, Cameron is nowhere to be found. Shocking, really.
-Sean feels it’s time that DeAnna should know a little bit more about him and get to know him on a more personal level. He’s very much a mama’s boy, and even admits, “Mom and Dad live one street over from me”. In Kentucky? Really? If you think for a second I’d even consider making inbred jokes here, then you couldn’t be more right. Mom and Dad live down the street? Are they your brother and sister too? Is your family tree just one straight line? C’mon, admit it Sean. You’ve been to a prom with one your relatives. You know what amazes me about rednecks? Is that they find Jeff Foxworthy funny. One of his jokes should be, “If you find any of the stuff I say on stage to be the least bit comical, you might be a redneck.” Do you realize Jeff Foxworthy has sold more comedy albums/books/videos/CD’s than any other stand up in the history of mankind? You know what that proves to me? That most Americans are idiots. Jeff Foxworthy? Funny? “You Might Be a Redneck….” jokes maybe, MAYBE, were funny the first time you heard them. But he’s been doing that shtick for over 20 years and those ‘billies can’t get enough of it. And don’t get me started on “Larry the Cable Guy”. The success that guy has had might be the 9th Wonder of the World. Especially since it’s all an act. Like, if he were a real redneck and actually talked like that, I can see where deep, deep Southern rednecks would find him funny. But he doesn’t. Hell, he was on “60 Minutes” and basically admitted to the fact that he can’t believe the success he’s had. If he can’t believe it, then I certainly am not going to. “Git er’ done”? Exactly what does that mean anyway? And when you say it after every joke, how can it still be funny?
-So somehow Sean gets DeAnna on a hammock and they start kissing – sort of. I’ve noticed DeAnna isn’t too fond of making out with guys. It was pretty much like she gave him a sympathy kiss. She wasn’t grossed out enough to where she wasn’t repulsed by kissing him, but she wasn’t really that into it. Something she did let Sean and his zippered shirt in on though? “I know that my husband is here.” Wow. Yet another bold statement by DeAnna. If she knows that her husband is here, then that means she knew at that point who she’s picking, right? So why didn’t she just tell the producers who her final one was and be done with it rather than “lead them on”? That seems to be her big thing this season is that since Brad led her on, she doesn’t want to do it to anyone else. Well, if she knows her husband is there, why not just cut to the chase and let him know now? Oh, because she’s contractually obligated to do a certain amount of shows and can’t just cut the show short whenever she feels like it. Just like Brad wasn’t, which is why he wasn’t leading you on. I’m sure Brad knew before the final rose ceremony he wasn’t choosing anyone but it’s not like they could just stop the show. Brad’s year contract has got to be up, right? If there’s one person from this entrie series I’d like to do an interview with, it’s that guy. I wanna hear him speak candidly about everything that went down during his filming. Someone contact him, let him know his #1 supporter is looking for him, and lets put an end to this nonsense already about how DeAnna was treated. Brad was there and he’s one of the few that know the truth. You have an open invitation Brad. Realitysteve.com and its readers want the “Tell All” interview for the ages. You know where to find me. I think. The most annoying thing about DeAnna has been her insistence on not doing or saying the things Brad did, even though that’s pretty much what she’s doing. Hence the reason why this show sucks. Yay DeAnna!
-Next up, a helicopter rolls in and is picking up Twilley, Graham, Jason, and Jesse and taking them to the middle of nowhere to ride dirt bikes. Although, the first helicopter arrives is what I call the “sympathy” helicopter for Twilley, since it’s just taking the two of them, and the other guys will take the second helicopter. Translation: I don’t want to waste any 1-on-1 time with this guy who I know I’m not picking, so, he’ll get his time with me in a loud helicopter that he’ll get motion sickness from. Very nice, DeAnna. We didn’t see right through that one. Graham even chimed in: “I predict that Twilley’s time in the helicopter will be awful. Twilley gets motion sickness.” And pretty much it was. It took him a bit to open up the helicopter door, he basically was fighting back puking during the whole flight over, and he had trouble opening up the door to leave. Thanks for coming, Twilley. That’s your alone time with DeAnna for this date. Now why don’t you step back as Graham, Jason, and Jesse all get quality time with her tongue. Well, except Jesse. He seems to be scared of women.
-So they go out riding 4 wheelers in the middle of the desert and DeAnna comments on all four guys and how they performed. She says that Jason was very straight laced and kept going one way. Not surprising. Seems like Jason is very conservative. Probably peels of the crust on his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, separates the food on his plate so they don’t touch each other, and likes the missionary position. Jesse is showing off doing wheelies and completely disobeying the law of not smoking and driving. How do X-gamers like him possibly pass drug tests before competing? Then again, they probably don’t drug test for the X-games since that would kind of defeat the purpose. Twilley is off on his bike doing his own thing which should surprise no one. He seems to march to the beat of his own drum. And the guy playing that drum is a lunatic. I don’t think she really said much about Grahams 4-wheeling other than to probably say he looked hot with a helmet on or something. Seems to be thats the only compliment he gets from her. Probably doesn’t bode well for him in the long run. You know, because looks always go a long way in relationships.
-Time for a pool party back at the hotel where DeAnna can see more of Graham with his shirt off, avoid Twilley like the plague, and get some alone time with Jesse and Jason. Jason is up first and she asks him what it would be like if she went on a hometown date to Seattle. He told her all the wild things they’d do like play pin the tail on the donkey, have cupcakes and milk, and maybe even go to Dave and Buster’s. Actually, he told her she’d get to meet Ty and we’ll get to see him be exploited on national television next week. Here’s my dilemma: I’ve dated women with kids before and not one of them ever introduced me to them on the first date. Nor would I expect them to. So I don’t get why it’s so important for DeAnna to meet Ty? Sure, Ty is a major part of Jason’s life, but, he’s been out with her what, twice? And he’s introducing her to his kid? Why should the rules change for these two? Any woman that introduced me to her kid anytime in the first 2 or 3 months of the relationship would be kinda scary. And let’s be honest, the kid is three. Do you really expect Ty to not like her? What’s he gonna say to the camera, “DeAnna is a meanie and I wish daddy would get rid of her?” Please. We all know what’s coming next week. DeAnna loving Ty, Ty loving DeAnna, Jason loving that Ty and DeAnna loving each other, and one big happy lovefest going on. Don’t expect anything different.
-Jesse gets some time alone with DeAnna who’s questioning how she feels about him. “I definitely feel a friendship connection with Jesse, but I don’t know about a romantic one.” Although she does admit she was turned on by him during the 4-wheel races earlier, so now she wants him to kiss her at the table. And makes it quite known by shoving her face next to his and blinking hysterically. Maybe that’s why he didn’t end up kissing her. He was afraid of the Incredible Blinking Eyelashes. Anybody would be. I’m frightened by them and I’m just sitting at home by myself eating a bag of chips. Maddie even ran to the other room. Well, no she didn’t. She doesn’t watch TV with me. Apparently she’s not a fan of the “Bachelor”, or any other crap I watch. Her job is to lay on the bed all day and sleep. Can’t fault her for that. If she ever decided that, “You know, maybe I’ll go in there and watch TV with him”, I’d be ecstatic. Thrilled, actually. Might even throw her a party. But doesn’t seem like it’s happening anytime soon. I don’t need her watching the “Bachelor” with me anyway. Wouldn’t want to corrupt her with that nonsense. She might start getting a jaded view of women like her master does. There only needs to be one of those in our place.
-Graham steals Sean’s idea and gets DeAnna on a hammock as well. This is the point where DeAnna tells us for the 1,000th time how good looking he is in so many different ways. And since he stoned her on a kiss during their last alone time, seems like she’s not taking no for an answer this time. And yet again, Graham even seems reluctant to share his tongue with her mouth after its been in other people’s mouths. Graham must have a fear of coodies or something. He’s really kind of a wuss. So they kiss and its awkward again. Someone always seems to pull away when the other one isn’t done. I don’t think these two have a good kiss yet. But not according to DeAnna. “I feel like a giddy school girl that gets butterflies in her stomach”. That’s cute. Really, it is. Too bad Graham doesn’t feel the same way. Nor has he ever towards a female for more than 5 months. He can blame it all he wants on moving so much, but that can’t really be the case, can it? Remember, he has done some modeling. In case you haven’t seen it, just go to www.grahambunn.com. He’s beardless in all his pictures just to warn those of you who like the 5 o’clock shadow. And looking quite gay if you ask me.
-The last guy left is Jeremy, and he gets his first 1-on-1 date with DeAnna. Really? That’s their first one? Geez. Seems like they’ve had one before but I guess not. And it must be their first one since Jeremy decided to go with the always masculine pink shirt for their first date. They’re going to have dinner in Frank Sinatra’s old house. Wow. That’s gotta be special. Imagine having a first date with someone in Ol’ Blue Eyes former residence. Magical, I tell ya’. Even Jeremy is taken aback. “Just thinking of all the people that have been through this place is pretty amazing.” You ain’t lying, Jeremy. That was the house where Frankie and Ava Gardner lived. But don’t you think for a second that booze hound and skirt chaser didn’t have a 1,000 other women that rolled through that house at some point. I can only imagine the pick of the litter that guy had to choose from in his heyday. Good looking Italian guy with ties to the mob – you just know he was getting his business done with whoever he wanted and whenever he wanted. Must’ve been pretty cool to be Frank Sinatra in his prime. Who wouldn’t envy a life like that? I’m sure Jeremy and DeAnna were sitting in the same exact seats Frank and any one of his late night hookers had monkey sex in. Ol’ Blue Eyes was one of a kind. And probably only rivaled Wilt Chamberlain in number of women slept with in a lifetime.
-The corny part of the date took place next. DeAnna and Jeremy are forced to sing “The Way You Look Tonight” in a pitch that made Maddie bark for the first time, I think, ever. Why we had to be subjected to these two singing, especially after his horrible performance last week, was beyond me. And you ain’t any better yourself there, sweetcakes. Stick fake meltdowns on camera, you’re better at those. When the awful singing subsided, these two sat down for dinner and Jeremy told her the truth. “I don’t think you’re perfect.” DeAnna: “I’m definitely not.” Jeremy: “But I think you’re perfect for me.” Barf. I couldn’t watch this. Made me sick to my stomach. What’s even worse was the line DeAnna gave the viewing audience in return. “He’s everything that every woman would want. Perfect guy. I want so bad to fall in love with him.” Hey Jeremy, pack your bags. You just got the kiss of death. She started throwing the “Great guy…every woman would want someone like that” line out. I can’t remember the last time those lines were ever uttered then followed up with, “Including me. That’s the guy I want.” It’s usually followed up with a nice, “BUT……just not the one for me.” See, the “every woman would want someone like that” line is ridiculous because if they did, the guy would already be taken. DeAnna seems to have made quite a few “friends” on this show. Can’t wait til the “Men Tell All” episode and we get to hear all their takes on getting thrown into the “friend” zone. Not a fun place to be in. In fact, it sucks ass.
-The men arrive back at DeAnna’s mansion for the rose ceremony but can’t find her. Host Chris (hey, he didn’t lie. We didn’t seem him again til the rose ceremony. Nice to see you Chris. Have fun? Kept busy? Good to hear) informs the guys that since DeAnna is a woman of honor, and since she wants the world to know for the 4,562nd time that she’s not hear to lead anyone on, there won’t be a cocktail party, as she’s already made up her mind who’s going home. She knows who her final four is. Funny. We did too before the episode even started. DeAnna: “Palm Springs so much fun….I already knew my decision….didn’t think it was fair…trying to be fair….I’m not leading you on like it was done to me”. Yes, she actually said it yet again. At the rose ceremony. So yet again, Brad is on her mind. I’m beginning to think once she breaks up with the guy she chose, you know her “husband that’s here”, she’ll start stalking Brad.
Jeremy: I guess pink shirts are a turn on. Well, when they’re worn by Jeremy they are and not by the douche nozzle who pops his collar up.
Jason: I wonder if his hometown date and her playing with Ty will take up over half the show next week?
Graham: DeAnna chews somebody out next week for being “another Brad”. Gee, I wonder who that could be?
Wow. Host Chris did not step in to inform us that there’s only one rose left. I guess he was too busy standing off to the side doing nothing.
Jesse: Don’t be fooled by him getting the last rose. It’s because he didn’t kiss her and has a crooked nose. She likes him. The previews for upcoming episodes prove it. Just watch closely.
Whew. Much better when they’re shorter and I can actually get some sleep. I didn’t look ahead but I’m hoping next week isn’t back to 2 hours. But it probably is. Neither Sean nor Twilley had a meltdown at the end and basically said their goodbyes in a respectful way. Twilley did say he has a unique personality and he’ll make somebody a great husband someday, just not DeAnna. Amen to that, Twilley. You don’t want her anyway. So on the little previews for the hometown dates, here’s what we get:
Jeremy’s family is very intrusive and nosy.
Jason, DeAnna, and Ty roll around frolicking on the grass.
Graham’s family casually mentions he has trouble committing to anyone past 4 weeks.
Jesse takes her snowboarding and she sucks.
Sweet. Can’t wait for that. Any questions, emails, comments, praises, queries, relationship/marriage/sex advice you need, Dr. Reality Steve is getting warmed up in the bullpen. He’s almost ready to bust out. Send all emails to firstname.lastname@example.org and maybe yours will get printed and answered in a future column. Until next week….