-Could yesterday have been any better? The Bachelor starts AND Jennifer Love Hewitt calls off her engagement to that extra who appeared on her show. Yeah, like those two were ever gonna walk down the aisle. Needless to say, I’m in a good mood. Sure, it was tempered a little bit by a senseless two hour episode (look, I don’t care if it’s the premiere or not, no “Bachelor” episode should be two hours), but still I made it through. Let’s get to a couple things first before we get started.
-I’d say the number one topic of emails sent to me over the past month is how has Maddie adjusted to her new apartment. As I mentioned, she’d been getting up in the middle of every night and running to the backdoor wanting out since I moved to a first floor apartment that had a yard. This very much got in the way of my ability to sleep as I was getting woken up and ridiculous hours at least once, if not twice, a night. Well, it looks like the problem is solved. The one thing Maddie has never done is go to the bathroom in my bedroom, where she pretty much spends most of her day and sleeps every night. So I basically just dared her to go. One night, I brought the carpet cleaner into the room with me when I went to bed just in case, and I closed the bedroom door. She got up during the night like she usually does, walked around, scratched on the door, then came over to my side of the bed basically asking me to let her out, and I didn’t. I just kept saying no. After a while, she got the picture and got back on the bed and slept the rest of the night. She would never poop in the bedroom, but if she peed, I was ready for it. So I just have to sleep with the bedroom door closed now (something I haven’t done since grammar school), and the problem is solved. Some nights she’s gotten up and scratched on the door, and I just say no, and she comes back on the bed and some nights she just sleeps through the night but she hasn’t gone to the bathroom once in the room. So essentially it’s not like she really ever HAD to go to the bathroom during the middle of the night, she just knew it was an option now that she had a yard and was using me. Problem solved. I’ll let you know if there are any accidents in the future, but I doubt it. Whew. Crisis averted.
-Also, I wanted to mention that my back is feeling much better. Thank you for all your concerns and suggestions on the email. It’s not nearly to the point where I would need surgery, it just causes discomfort here and there throughout the day. But I’m a big boy, I can handle it. I essentially just need to stick to my exercise routine and everything should be peaches and cream. Just don’t ask me to help you move anytime soon or do anything that requires any sort of athletic movement. Other than that, sign me up for the 2012 Olympics.
-One of you readers was kind enough, and crazy enough, to start an “I Love Reality Steve” group on Facebook. Currently, there are 11 members. Me being one of them. I have a bet going with my friend of how many members I can get. I will not tell you what I set the number at for fear of complete failure. But I have faith in my readers that they’ll come through. So, if you have a Facebook account, whether you actually love me or not, please join the “I Love Reality Steve” group. What does it get you? Absolutely nothing. Hey, maybe you’ll come in contact with someone you haven’t seen or heard from in years and realize you both have the same interest: me. That’d be outstanding wouldn’t it? You could talk for hours and hours and share your Reality Steve stories til the wee hours of the morning. Or not. Just join the group. Takes two seconds and I’d appreciate it. If I win the bet, I’ll let you know. If I don’t, I hate you all. Now, lets get started…
-Unbelievably enough, this is the 17th installment of this show. Twelve previous “Bachelor” shows, and four “Bachelorettes”. Chris Harrison has been host for all 16 seasons. You know what the most amazing thing is? He looks EXACTLY the same now as he did in the first episode. How is that possible? Is he drinking from the fountain of youth every morning. I swear, this guy doesn’t have a wrinkle on his face nor a hair out of place. Then again, its not like this is the most stressful job in the world. Bang on a champagne glass here and there, open the door for people getting out of limos, carry on fake conversations with the new Bachelor. Hell, doing the subtraction at the Rose Ceremony is probably his most difficult task. Whatever the case, Host Chris is like Benjamin Button. He’s living his life in reverse apparently. No, I haven’t seen it, but I know what its about. I think Brad Pitt should’ve got paid double to hook up with Cate Blanchett, but that’s besides the point.
*****Host Chris Note*****: Just realized that like Jeff Probst this season, Host Chris will be doing a blog every Tuesday morning to talk about the previous nights episode. You can see it on EW.com. A little behind-the-scenes stuff, but much tamer and less opinionated than Probst’s. Check it out. For this week, I’ll just post the actual link. Just be sure to go there every Tuesday from now on. Man, the things I do to promote this show. Here’s the link:
-Just like the beginning of every season, we get to see a video montage of who our Bachelor is. What’s interesting about Jason’s was, they of course showed footage of him getting dumped by DeAnna at the final rose ceremony. Remember, during the finale last year, right when he went to kneel down, we were shown that she immediately pulled him back up. Afterwards, we find out that he was down on his knee for close to five minutes but ABC just chose to edit all of that out. Last night, we actually got to hear a couple things he said to her when he was down there. Nothing I remember really, but I just wanted to point that out. I can probably take a guess though: “How in the world could you even like Jesse?” “I want you to live with me in Seattle when your television career inevitably fails.” “I give you and Jesse 6 months.” Something like that. And oh yeah, we get shots of Jason working out. Not quite Brad-naked-in-the-shower shots, but still fairly gay. Do we really need to see him jump roping?
-Then we get a quick shot of all our bachelorettes telling us who they are, what they do, all the while getting a glimpse of their craziness. There’s Molly who’s practicing her golf swing hoping for a “hole in one”. Oh, I bet you are Molly. So is Jason. Usually happens towards the end of the night. Some loony brought 32 pairs of shoes. Don’t get me started. It’s a fundamental difference between men and women that we’ll never understand. Women don’t understand why men go to strip clubs, we don’t understand why you have to own a pair of shoes for every outfit you have. Let’s just agree to disagree and the world will be a better place. Dominique is a little bubbly, annoying chick from some rural city in Pennsylvania. I think she took the horse and buggy to California to appear on the show. Melissa is a former Cowboys cheerleader that did herself justice by wearing a dress that fit snug enough around her chest to accentuate her best feature. Renee is a jewelry designer in LA (works at Zales) and has a vision board. More on this later. And then they showed Stephanie, the widowed mother of one who’s husband died in a plane crash 10 weeks after their daughter was born. There’s a memorial to him in their backyard. I’ll make a quick prediction about Stephanie: She will get attached the quickest and cry the most when she gets dumped.
-Jason arrives at the mansion and Host Chris and he have a fake fireside chat. Nothing too revealing here, just the same stuff that gets asked to every Bachelor. “Why did you decide to do this?”, “What’s been the reaction from people you run into?”, and my all-time favorite, “Do you think you can fall in love doing this?” And of course they all answer “Absolutely.” Really? Then why is this show 0-for-12 in producing marriages? Byron and Mary don’t count because they still haven’t gotten married yet after 100 years of being engaged. And since she likes her wine a bit too much, in addition to punching his lights out when she’s sauced, I’m guessing that wedding will never happen. Our best hope is Charlie O’Connell, who recently got back together with Sarah Brice. I’m cheering for them for no other reason than his season was my favorite season. And now he’s got a little pressure on him since brother Jerry just popped two twins out of Rebecca Romijn Stamos O’Connell. Still scratching my head about that one. Former fashion model dumps John Stamos to marry the fat kid from “Stand by Me”. Hollywood is weird. By the way, I just Wikipedia’d her name because I wanted to be accurate on the spelling. Did you realize she divorced John Stamos on March 1st, 2005, and announced her ENGAGEMENT to Jerry O’Connell on Sept. 19th of the same year? Yeah, sure she didn’t cheat on him. Like I said, Hollywood is weird.
-Time to recap the women coming out of the limos. Impossible to do all 25 women since not all of them made an immediate impression. But here are the ones that did:
Lauren: One of the better looking women this season. It was her birthday that day and she was turning 27. Jason never suggested that she should’ve come out of the limo in her birthday suit like I would’ve. I guess that’s where Jason and I are different. Instead, she wore an animal print dress. Rawr! Women who wear animal print dresses are dirty. Proven theory.
Melissa: Former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. I’m trying to find a way to describe her. Very bubbly, very emotional, and very expressive. She’ll be around a while, although, she could start to get on my nerves.
Sharon: Looked rather homely. She salsa danced with Jason, who was awful. Adam Carolla had more rhythm on “DWTS”. Of course, Sharon lied and told him, “You’re good.” Uhhhh, no he wasn’t.
Natalie: Never watched last season with DeAnna since, according to her, “I don’t have a TV.” Needless to say, Natalie and I don’t have a future together. She might as well tell me she’s the devil’s daughter.
Naomi: She was the first person out of the second limo. Jason tells her that’s exactly the position he was with DeAnna so they have something in common. Great. That means you’ll dump her at the altar too?
Jackie: A wedding coordinator from Dallas who’s divorced. Also wearing an animal print dress which means she’s out for sex. And immediately.
Stephanie: The 34 year old widowed mother never told us about the two infants she carries around on the front of her chest. Geesh. Someone wanted to be noticed that night. If he didn’t notice those, maybe he caught of glimpse of her face that looks like someone is yanking it backwards.
Treasure: Had the best line of the night when she told him Treasure “is not my stage name”. Funny girl. At least she can laugh at the fact her parents gave her the #1 name used by strippers.
Nikki: Was the last girl out of the third limo and probably made the biggest impression. Why, you ask? Ummmm, because of her giant boobs spilling out of her dress, that’s why. Without a doubt, one of the more impressive sets we’ve seen ever on opening night. Was there ever a doubt she’d get the first impression rose after that grand entrance? “Here I am, I am Nikki, and these are my breasts! Take me to your leader!”
-A few things I noticed about all the limo introductions: Jason and the girls give a lot of “butt out” hugs. You know, the ones where you just lean in with your upper body and your butt sticks out when you hug someone. Yes, I know he’s just meeting them for the first time, but he did it with every single girl. Jason also had two favorite lines he uttered to every girl. He either said, “We’ll have a great time tonight,” or, “We’ll talk inside.” It’s like he was on auto pilot with those phrases.
Molly: She was the golfer chick. Says she played in high school and wanted to see Jason’s swing. I guess that was some type of foreplay to her.
Nicole: She remembered from DeAnna’s season that orange was Ty’s favorite color. So she wore an orange dress to earn brownie points. Uhhhh, didn’t work.
Jillian: She’s the chick who can tell a lot about a man by what he puts on his hot dog. She’s also a lunatic.
Dominique: She’s the giggly, sheltered, rural city girl that still uses Pony Express to send her mail. They call her “Dom” for short. I call her dumb. I kill myself, really.
Emily: Chick from Seattle. Says she’s the biggest Seahawks fan out there. Sorry. Seahawks aren’t any good and you’re going home. Thanks for playing. Pick up your commemorative, “I went on the ‘Bachelor’ and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” on your way out the door.
Shannon: She went with the fake teeth gag out of the limo because she’s a dental hygienist. Get it? Ha ha. Hilarious. She’s the one with the small, scrunchy face and the big giant smile. It’s killing me that I can’t pinpoint who she reminds me of.
-Shannon ends up being the first girl they show Jason sitting down with. Not only did Shannon try to impress him with her teeth gag, she also tried to reel him in with the cleavage show she had going on. She tells Jason that her and Tori Spelling are competing for the record of “Most Inches of Space in Between Our Breasts”. I think Shannon might win this one. So not only that, but Shannon is our resident stalker. Tells him about his birthday on July 5th, says she’s spent time on his MySpace page, and knows that his brother Larry is also dating a Shannon. Also lets him know that Glenn Close is her favorite actress, she’s very much against infidelity, and that bunny rabbits are her favorite pets. Especially when you boil them. Be on the lookout for Shannon this season. She could be Trish 2.0.
-Sharon decides to tell Jason that she gave up her high school Spanish teaching job for the opportunity to come meet him. Es verdad? Tu loco? Please, any Spanish teachers out there, please don’t correct me if I didn’t conjugate those verbs correctly. It drove me nuts in high school, and it’ll drive me nuts now. Senora Kaulig and Senora Alva would not be happy that Reality Steve never learned a damn thing in Spanish I, II, or III. The only phrase I remember from those classes? Soy guapo. Still not sure why that has been committed to my memory, but it must be important. I always disagree with those who say English is the hardest language to learn. B.S. Conjugating verbs in Spanish is like trying to split the atom. Ridiculous. I remember “O, As, A, Amos, An” and that’s about it. Give me my “D” and lets move on to the next class.
-Kari from Kansas City has a poem for Jason. Oh boy. These never go well. It was very amateurish, quite corny, and much too long for never having met the guy, but of course, Jason put on a happy face, kept the poem, and pretended that he liked it. At least there was no singing or anything like that. I’ve just never understood going with the poem on the first night. Like that’s supposed to impress him when he doesn’t even know you? I guess I understand the girls have a very short time to make a first impression, but I’d just do something a little more subtle. Like, I don’t know, ask Nikki about first impressions. She seems to make a good one. She’s a former beauty pageant winner, so there’s that. She said she really likes spending time with her nieces and nephew, that’s a positive. And she’s got arguably the most impressive set of cans west of the Mississippi. So that helps too.
-Time for Jillian to perform the hot dog test. No, not the one where we see how many she can fit in her mouth at one time because that would be classless, disgusting, and rather provocative. No, Jillian gives us the breakdown of what you can tell about a man by what he puts on his hot dog. Here’s her chart:
Ketchup: He’s a strong, loyal, loving guy that talks to his mom several times a week.
Sauerkraut: The guy that all the girls go for. He’s a bad boy.
Onion: The kind of guy you’d never marry. Kinda rude.
Mustard: The guy that you settle down with.
So Jason comes in and she gives him his hot dog. Now after hearing her definitions for the different toppings, was there really any way he was going to put Sauerkraut on it? I mean, c’mon people. Wasn’t it obvious mustard would end up on there? This show is too predictable at times. I was hoping Jason would put all 4 toppings on his hot dog just to show how ridiculous Jillians theory is.
-Renee’s turn to scare Jason. She tells Jason of her vision board. What’s a vision board you ask? Hell if I know. The way I understand it is you cut out a bunch of positive words and pictures from magazines and newspapers, pin them on a board, then you’ll have good luck. Ummmm, wow. That might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. So if this were such a legit thing to do, wouldn’t everyone in America do it? Then everyone would have good luck and nothing bad would happen to anybody. I’ll tell you what Renee. Do this for me. Find your nearest magazine and create a new vision board. I’ll help you with this one. Cut out the words “I”, “AM”, “A”, “COMPLETE”, “LUNATIC”, pin them up on the board in sequence, then put it by the mirror you look into every morning. You can begin immediately since apparently vision boards can’t predict how long you’ll stay on the “Bachelor.” I think her vision board is laughing at her as we speak.
-Some more time is spent with other women. Racquel takes him outside to salsa dance, only to be interrupted by anonymous girl I can’t remember. Jason dresses like a limo driver by the way. Stephanie sits him down and tells him how she became a widow. But it’s been 3 Â½ years and she’s ready to love again. You know what else is ready to be loved? The silicone strapped to her chest. Those puppies are in full force tonight. Lauren asks Jason if he knows the three branches of the government since that what she teaches. I would’ve broken out in a cold sweat if asked that on a first date. Ummmm, politics? No thanks. But I’ll make out with you instead. How’s that? Since it’s Lauren’s birthday, Jason leaves her momentarily saying he has something for her. Lauren thinks itâ€™s the first impression rose. Of course it wasn’t. Would’ve been too obvious. Plus, she’s not sporting the chest that Nikki is. Nope. Jason brought her a slice of cake with a candle. I’m sure Lauren is thrilled about this. No worries. Lauren looks like she’ll be around a while.
-For the first time in Bachelor history, Host Chris comes in during the cocktail party with a stunning announcement. Each girl will vote for one girl that they want to go home. Let the cattiness begin. The women could base their vote on anything. Who they liked the least, who they thought was the prettiest, who was their biggest competition, who had the most botox, who was the sluttiest, etc. Could’ve been any number of things that caused them to vote the way they did. So the votes are placed and Jackie, the wedding coordinator received the third most votes. Erica received the 2nd most. Megan got the most. She has a 14 month old so apparently she understands more than everyone else what its like to have a kid and that rubbed some of the girls the wrong way. Throw in the fact that Megan called them all a**holes after it was announced she had the most votes pretty much confirmed they were accurate in their assessment of her. Of course, what would the “Bachelor” be without a twist. Instead of Megan getting sent home, the most votes meant she gets a rose and is staying. Yippee. Let’s assume Megan will be everyone’s whipping girl this season. After this vote took place, Jason finally gave out the first impression rose to Nikki. How he didn’t have the balls to present the rose to her by squeezing it in between her cleavage is beyond me. That’s what I would’ve done. And probably been kicked off the show.
-Time for the Rose Ceremony. Jason: “Thank you…lot of fun…difficult, excruciating decision…I know how difficult it is…DeAnna is a complete publicity whore and I hate her.”
Lauren: Final Four. Easy.
Kari: The poem must’ve done it. And her pink eyeliner. Yuck.
Naomi: Seems like the biggest floozy in the group. Did I just use the word floozy? Is it 1920?
Natalie: Haven’t really talked about her yet. Just know she has orange skin and platinum blonde hair.
Molly: She golfs. Like Jason. And wants a hole in one. Uh huh.
Racquel: The Brazilian girl who salsa danced. Pretty much the Agnese of this season, except with a little better English.
Stephanie: She’s ready to love again. As is Jason. Just not to her. Or her chest.
Melissa: Another final four candidate. Her over-the-top expressions and bubbly personality might start eating away at my skin.
Jillian: “Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs!”
Shannon: I wonder if she knows Jasons social security and bank account number. If not, she will soon I’m sure.
Lisa: I have no idea who this chick is.
Sharon: “Will you accepto el roso?” “Si, si.”
“Ladies, Jason. This is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. I’ll be over here in the corner putting on my wrinkle free cream, sipping from the Fountain of Youth, all while watching “Cocoon” on DVD.”
Erica: The chick that got the 2nd most votes in the house.
-Renee becomes delusional. “I’d be perfect for him. I’m 36, professional, cute. The vision board is real.” Apparently not weirdo. Your vision board just got you sent home. You think she’s into Ouiji boards too? Yeah, those are legitimate. She probably had those sleep overs when she was a teenager where they’d try and talk to ghosts or make her friends elevate. Different bird.
-Jackie the wedding coordinator is bummed. “I think he missed out on something great. I was already planning our wedding. I thought this was going to be my happy ending.” Nope. Jason’s looking for a happy ending somewhere else. And that he doesn’t have to pay for. Have another drink, Jackie. It’s last call at the bar and you haven’t had nearly enough to embarrass yourself. The animal print dress didn’t work either. Next time try something less slutty. Like a bustier or a lace nightgown. That’ll be an attention grabber.
-So in the previews for the rest of the season, I believe we see Jason making out with all 15 remaining women at some point. This guy is wasting no time whatsoever. Good man. Get down to business Jason. No screwing around. Tongue all of them and whoevers the best, wins. That’s how I’d play this silly game. They also show us a shot of the final proposal. I’m sure all the super sleuths out there have gone to the freeze frame image by image to see who it is. What we do know is she’s wearing a light blue dress and is a brunette. That’s indisputable. And eliminates about half of our 15 girls remaining. There have been rumors floating around as to who he picked, plenty of which have been emailed to me. I’d rather not say who the consensus is at this point, but based on the quick clips we saw last night, seems to be pretty much confirmed. We’ll see. Don’t worry. I won’t ruin it.
-One final matter to discuss, and that is DeAnna. Yes, she returns this season. But of course, there’s a twist. By the previews last night, they made it seem like DeAnna is returning to try and win back Jason. Ummm, no. That’s what they want you to think to create drama. DeAnna’s returning because she’s a publicity hound and wants to get in front of as many cameras as possible before her 15 minutes are up. Yes, they made it seem like she’s returning to woo him back, but she’s only coming back to give him advice and help out. This show started filming in October. DeAnna and Jesse broke up on or around November 4th. How cold would she have looked to go running back to Jason just weeks after dumping Jesse? So no, DeAnna is not returning to compete for Jason. She’s returning because they asked her too to create drama. Even I wasn’t fooled by that last night and I believe everything.
-Another season is upon us. Which means a “Reality Roundup” shouldn’t be far behind. I want to wait until “Idol”, “Real World”, “Rock of Love Bus”, and the “City” and “Bromance” are a few more episodes in before I give my review. Although I can tell you that having an elimination in a hot tub with a bunch of dudes is just about the gayest thing on television. Nice job, Brody. Anyway, if you have any questions, comments, praises, criticisms, inquiries as to who Jason picks, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. And don’t forget if you’re a member of Facebook to join the “I Love Reality Steve” group. You’ll be really cool if you do. Until next time.