Reality Steve

The Bachelor 13 - Jason

The Bachelor Recap – 1/26/09

-In case you haven’t been to the site since last Tuesdays column, you’ll see that on Wednesday of last week, I beat “People” magazine to the punch and posted exclusive pictures from the Bachelor Breckenridge trip taken a couple of weeks ago. Pictures of Jesse and Holly together, Jeremy and his new girlfriend, along with a couple group photos. “People” magazine thought they would break the news to everyone, when in reality, I broke it a day earlier. Even though I had the story and pics a week earlier, but that column got deleted into cyberspace by the stupid hotel computer. So check that out when you’re done with this weeks column.

-Next order of business is, who else, but DeAnna. Whose fifteen minutes apparently aren’t up yet. She’s now currently dating Ace from the “Real World.” Wow. Those two are like oil and water. She’ll walk all over him. Whatever. I give that two months once she realizes he can’t advance her career either. Here she did another interview promoting her appearance later this season on the “Bachelor” and plugged her lame wedding show. Have I seen it? Of course not. I just know its lame. Call it “male intuition.” It goes like this: Its about weddings, DeAnnas a co-host, so it sucks. There. Pretty simple. Here’s a link to the interview:

DeAnna Interview

This is my favorite part. When asked about giving her side of the story over the breakup with Jesse: “Life moves on. He’s in another relationship. It’s been three months now and I’m pretty much over dealing with the breakup. Everyone handles it differently and sometimes when people are hurt and mad, they say things they didn’t mean. Hopefully one day people will be sorry for the false accusations and mean things that they have said, often on the Internet. Although I did choose to put myself out there on national TV, there are things I believe should be kept private and out of respect for me and Jesse. We realized that we were two totally different people who wanted totally different things and we lived our lives in totally different ways and it was never gonna work. I loved him sincerely, but it would not have worked in the long run.”

Kind of a different tune she’s singing now, isn’t it? Once the show ended and they were making the rounds as a couple, this chick wouldn’t shut up over how in love they were, and he was perfect for her, and she’d found her soulmate, etc. Their finale aired in July. They broke up in October. So in three months you went from “I’ve met my soulmate. I can’t wait to marry this man” to “we’re two totally different people, who wanted totally different things, and we lived our lives in totally different ways?” This chick is a head case. Uh, no thanks. And I really can’t wait for the day when it comes out as to why you REALLY broke up with Jesse. I think then, whatever fans she does have left, would probably jump ship as well. Good riddance. Enjoy life in Atlanta with Ace. Yeah, I’m sure that relationship has got marriage written all over it.

-Since joining Facebook, like most of you, I’ve reconnected with a lot of people from my past. I mean, I’m talking about people from waaaaaay back in the day. So once all these old names started popping back up, it led me to break out my high school yearbook to remember some of these people. What occurred next was quite disturbing and I learned something about myself. I always knew I was a little bit different. A little odd. Kinda quirky. Well, apparently that extended all the way back to high school. I copied a few notes that were written in my junior year yearbook to share with everyone. I’m sure you’ll all enjoy these. Probably explains a lot.

“Well, this year in Spanish with you has been very interesting. One thing that I can say about you is that you’re weird. Hope you have a great summer.” Jennifer

Ummmmm, thanks Jennifer? Gee, thanks for sending me off into the summer with such high self-esteem. But she was hot, so, I guess I should’ve been glad she wrote me anything.

“Dear Steven, I’m sorry to have to tell you that I’m moving to Zimbabwe this summer and I’m NEVER coming back! Just joking. You have really kept me laughing this year in Espanol, even the disgusting kisses and comments were funny. However, don’t think for a SECOND that just because I’m not being mean in this note that I would consider going out with you. If you ever find out where I live, just pretend you never did find out and don’t come over. Well, you already have my phone number, so go home and burn it. You are an interesting, funny guy and even though you put me through hell, I’m glad I got to know you. Maybe over the summer you will find your dream girl and forget about me.” Lori

I mean, wow. So apparently I was a stalker in high school too. Hmmm, interesting. No, Lori and I never went out. Can’t imagine why? Disgusting kisses? Exactly what was I doing in that class? Something tells me therapy might’ve helped in high school after reading these.

“Steve, So are you going to get Lori or not? I want to see you and Lori hit it off. Literally. Hope you have a great summer and a good basketball season next year. See ya.” Pat

Yeah, Pat. That’s a negative. Kinda hard to score Lori when apparently she put out a restraining order against me.

“It has been a great year and I am glad I got the chance to know you. Just think, if you never came to our cheer competition then you would never know me (how unfortunate), and I would never know you. You’re a great really great guy and very talented too. Whenever I think of “Steve”, I think of all the be bop noises you made in the back of class, man oh man, you are a babbler and a rambler! I’m sure you are excited to see me on the courts cheering for you, and yeah, I guess I’ll like seeing you play too! But, practice hard this summer or I might be too embarrassed to yell your name at a game. But always remember, “There ain’t no team like the Griffin team”, and you’ll always remember the fun we had! Have a great summer.” Heidi

A babbler and a rambler? Now that I can probably agree with. Although, I have no idea what noises I was making in the back of the class. Kind of interesting to see peoples opinions of me back in 1992. Pretty much the same as they are now. I guess I’m quite a guy. And on that note, lets begin.

-Host Chris is very metro’ed out today. He’s dressed in his designer jeans, t-shirt, and jacket. Definitely headed for a night out on Sunset after he’s finished reading his cue cards. This week there’ll be a 2-on-1 date, a 1-on-1 date, and a group date. Each girl will have to create a love song in the next thirty minutes to sing to Jason, and whoever he chooses will win the 1-on-1 date. Basically the same exact thing they did last season when Jesse’s horrible song won DeAnna over. So points for originality, ABC. You’re the best. Strategy became a big part of this challenge. Do they go for humor, seriousness, or a little of both? You want to know Nikki’s strategy? A full on, complete and utter meltdown. Holy crap! She had no idea what to do. “I’m a control freak. I can’t sing. I’m terrified of singing. I’d rather jump out of a plane. I don’t know what to do. I hate singing. I can’t sing. These girls are all better than me.” On and on and on it went. Nikki was a complete wreck for two hours straight. This was just the beginning. I think after this she washed her hands ten times in a row. Then wiped off on the towel ten times. Then opened and closed the door ten times. Yeah, she seems a little OCD.

-So let’s get to these brilliant songs. First up is Molly. Here goes nothing:

“Jason, you give me butterflies, as much of thinking of fast food makes me wanna cry.
I want a 1-on-1 date, like nuggets and French fries we could be perfect soulmates.
Jason, repeat after me, Molly you are the best one of the sea?”

I don’t know what “best one of the sea” meant whatsoever. A little out there with the McD’s references too until I read Host Chris’ Blog. Molly is apparently infatuated with McDonalds and begged the producers the whole time she was there to get her some. They finally did at some point so Ronald McMolly was happy. And by the way, the fact that Molly loves McDonalds makes her my favorite now on this show. She’s cute, she plays golf, she likes McDonalds, and she likes making out. Hey, that’s 4-for-4 in my book. So, ummm Molly, holla at your boy Reality Steve sometime. I’d totally let you super size your meal with me.

-Shannon the Unstable was up next. Or as she likes to call herself, “Sha-nay-nay.” That’s her rapper name apparently. Uh, ok. I would’ve gone with DJ Mutha F**kin Crazy A** B**ch, but that’s just me. Here’s her dribble:

“Jason, you’re so hot. Your body is flamin’, your hips are swayin’.
I look into your eyes and my heart starts bangin’. I see a love connection. Baby, I wanna show you my 1-on-1 affection.

Hey, I’m a crazy b**ch (Repeat 10 times)

I would write the chorus to Buckcherry’s “Crazy B**ch”, but it doesn’t really fit the description of Shannon (Just google “Buckcherry Crazy B**tch”. It’s the first link. Yeah, I don’t quite think of Shannon when reading those lyrics). Let’s just say Sha-nay-nay doesn’t have much of a future in the rap industry. I don’t think Lil’ Kim is worried about being replaced by the small white chick with giant teeth who cries a lot. And who’s crazy.

-We didn’t get to see a lot of Melissa’s. Something about oysters, hot sauce and watery eyes. Sounds kinda kinky actually. Jillian went for the slutty approach. Stood up on the table, went with the short red dress and the high boots. Talked about looking for an andventure. Oh, I bet she was. That moose hunter sure knows how to party. I’m guessing her adventure consisted of grabbin a couple Rolling Rocks, putting on that orange jump suit and hunting deer. That’s what it’s all a-BOAT. We got one line from Megans song: “We might be baby makin’, I’m sure I won’t be fakin’.” Geez, a little too much information there, maybe? Do we really need to know whether or not you plan on faking your orgasms? Geez. Seems like a bit much. And speaking of that, if it was something you were even contemplating doing, then I’m glad Jason dumped you. We don’t fake it, so neither should you. That’s my motto.

-Stephanie broke out into opera because, well, I don’t know. That’s her and she did. Lauren turned into Britney Spears. Now, for those who don’t know, Lauren is a former pageant queen who is very much into music. She actually writes her own songs and wants to be in the industry someday. Although, she tried way too hard on the singing. Granted, the song she wrote was light years better than anyone elses. Actually rhymed, had a beat to it, etc. She just thought it should be a Top 40 hit tomorrow. Sorry honey. But good try.

“Lying here. All alone. Wondering if I should go home. But when I see your face, it falls into place. And I know, I wanna know you more. Cuz it’s a leap of faith, we all should take. It’s a leap of faith, that I will make. Hit me baby one more time. I’m not a girl, not yet a woman.” Or something like that.

-Finally, Nikki got the ta-ta’s to get up there and sing from her chest. But she warned Jason beforehand, this is very out of her element. And that the song wasn’t about love. Nor was it for him. It’s a song she’d sing to her kid, if she ever had one. Oh boy. This is gonna go over well.

“Goodnight my little one. Sleep until dawn has begun. I hope your dreams are full of fun. I’ll love you always little one.”

Good job? I don’t know what that was. You’re supposed to sing a love song to Jason. You sang a lullabye to a baby that you don’t have. Don’t really know what you were expecting with that, but it sure couldn’t have been a rose. Nikki is a mess tonight. First the OCD, now this horrible song. And it only gets worse.

-Oh yeah, so Jason gave Molly the rose for the 1-on-1 date. Guess he likes Happy Meals or something. Their date is time alone at his place, followed by a little camping outside. Probably the most average 1-on-1 date this show has had since Charlie O’Connell’s season. As these two walk out to the backyard to make whoopee in the tent set up, we see Molly in Jason’s clothing: basketball shorts and a t-shirt. Ummm, is there a reason we didn’t get to see exactly how she ended up in this? I think that might’ve been quite interesting. Really, nothing exciting happened on this date. She told him he had all the qualities she saw in her future husband (of course she did. What else is she gonna say?), she made it quite clear she was falling for him, and they made out. Then went into the tent, zipped it up, she dealt with his pitched tent, he told her she had soft skin, and they moaned and groaned while their mikes were still on. Outstanding. Brings me back to the days of “Joe Millionaire” when Sara was orally pleasing Evan in the woods with the cameras and mikes rolling.

-McMolly and Jasons date ended up being overnight and she returned the next morning in his clothes. Do you know what one of the first things I looked for on Shannon was since she was in his shorts? Kankles. Nope. She didn’t have any. That’s 5-for-5. She’s slowly moving into my Top 5 favorite Bachelorettes ever. I think it’s pretty impossible to crack my Top 3, but she can sure try. So while all the other girls are jealous the Hamburglar ended up with an overnight date (I believe that’s the first time in this shows history that an overnight date happened before the final three), the group date is about to begin. Shannon the Wacko, Lauren Spears, Melissa’s FF’s, Naomi’s underbite, Jillian the hot dog vendor, and Megan, the one who abandoned her 15 month old son for the show, are all headed to the set of “General Hospital.” That crap is still on? Really? Is Luke still around? What about Rick Springfield? Is his wrinkled corpse still showing up on occasion? Hey, just let me know if Jack Wagner starts appearing again. Then I’ll watch.

-Basically the girls get to show off their acting chops on this date. And they get to make out. Well, most of them. Immediately, two bad actors from the show gather the group together and ask for a volunteer for kissing Jason. I think Shannon was already in front of him before they finished the sentence. They tell her before she jams her tongue down his throat that there’s no tongue allowed. That’s a filming rule? What? Since when? Is it just for TV? Or daytime soaps? I could’ve sworn I’ve seen plenty of tongue on TV dramas. All those whores on “Sex and the City” made out with their boyfriends. What about the other chick shows like “Greys” and “Private Practice?” Aren’t tongues flying out on those shows as well? Maybe I haven’t been paying attention. You can bet I will be now. Whatever the case, Shannon gets to kiss him and loved every second of it. And while she told us this, she had a knife in her hands. I feared for everyone’s life on the show during that scene. I think she’s convinced she just kissed her future husband. And the rest of us are convinced she didn’t.

-The first scene is up with Naomi as the naughty maid with the underbite, and Lauren as, well, I didn’t really understand her role in all this other than flubbing her lines a 1,000 times, which led to Naomi getting make out with Jason 1,001 times. Nice going, sweetheart. Hey, if you don’t want Jason kissing Naomi in every scene, you might want to get your lines right. Well, she didn’t, Jason and Naomi got suctioned at the tongue, and Lauren never got any action. Pretty much a sign of things to come for her. Meanwhile, the other four women not in the scene had to watch that from the side and become increasingly jealous. One girl who pretty much dominated the screen last night was Melissa. I think the camera went running to her essentially in every scene to get her view on things. She pretty much made it known last night that seeing Jason swallow everyone elses face assured her that she’s starting to have real feelings for him. As opposed to fake feelings created just for TV sake. For a girl who didn’t get a 1-on-1 date and barely was part of the group date, they showed A LOT of Melissa last night. A LOT. Make of that what you want. I sure did.

-Back at the mansion, Nikkis day is getting worse by the minute. First, she already admitted she doesn’t want to go on the 2-on-1 with Stephanie because she knows she’ll lose. And now its time for her to throw a pity party for herself. “I should’ve been married and should’ve had a kid by now.” Gee, doesn’t sound like she’s harboring much resentment toward her 11-year ex-boyfriend, does it? Nahhhh. This chick is a walking ball of misery, right now. Does she smile? Ever? Talk about Debbie Downer. Nikki is playing the role beautifully. I half expect her to tell a story about feline AIDS on her next date. Speaking of Debbie Downer, as I’ve mentioned numerous times before, I think I’ve probably seen every “Saturday Night Live” for the past 15 years, and for as horrible an actress as she is, Lindsay Lohan sure has been in some memorable SNL skits. Obviously, the Harry Potter one being tops. But the Debbie Downer one at Disneyworld is an all-timer considering the whole cast couldn’t stop laughing during the skit. Then there was the Debbie Downer skit at the strip club for the bachelorette party. And her monologue the 2nd time she hosted where they made fun of her. Yes, I remember all these things. I can’t remember where I ate lunch on Saturday, but I can recite SNL skits from 5 years ago. I’m weird. Just like “Jen” from high school told me I was 17 years ago.

-The last scene had Megan playing a seductress, so her kiss with Jason ended up being more like a tongue raping. She apparently got into character real well and made her kiss way more passionate than anyone elses. And I could’ve swore I saw tongue being used. Megan: “It’s been a really long time since I kissed someone.” Sure it has, honey. I love all the innocence these girls are claiming. It’s like this whole season is filled with charter members of the V-club. Is it really necessary to cast Bachelorettes who haven’t gotten to 2nd base in years? This is disheartening. Where are the days of the true sluts like Trish, or Kirsten, or anyone from Andy Baldwins season? Ha ha. Kidding. Had to give a little shout out there. First public shout out ever in my column. Sorry ladies.

-So after a day of groping and tonguing a bunch of women on the “General Hospital” set, its time to head to a Hollywood hotel for a “wrap” party. It sure looked like one except for one minor detail. They were the only ones there. So it was basically like any other group date at night. Drinks, sitting around gossiping, and crying women. Naomi is distraught apparently since, well, her tongue hasn’t been in Jason since earlier in the day. I guess she needs his saliva to breathe or something. So of course, she goes and sits by herself to draw attention. Jason comes over, readjusts her jaw line, and tells her everything is ok. Uh oh. Naomi is turning into the “I see you have connections with other girls and it makes me sad” girl. Jasons response: “We’ll be in each others lives for a long time.” Well, at least another couple episodes. If that’s considered a long time, then have at it you two.

-Megans turn to corner Jason. She tells him she’s the only girl that isn’t sad that night. She’s enjoying herself, she’s having fun, she’s with a great guy, and DAMMIT, WHY WON’T YOU KISS ME? She couldn’t have made it any more obvious she wanted Jason to kiss her, Jason couldn’t have made it more obvious he knew she wanted him to kiss her, yet he just gave her a hug. I will give Jason credit this episode for not being a whore. I don’t count any of the kisses on the “General Hospital” set because those were forced on him. Do you realize that on this group date, and the final cocktail party, Jason didn’t make out with anyone he didn’t keep around? Lauren doesn’t count because it was obvious he didn’t want to and she grabbed his head and forced him to. Obviously, if he stops her, then she knows she’s going home, so he had to let it play out. Didn’t kiss Megan here, didn’t kiss Shannon, and Lauren doesn’t count. Yet, he made sure he kissed Jillian, Melissa, Molly, and Naomi. What a gentleman. Ladies, for all the whining and bitching that’s been done over the years for previous Bachelors who would make with anyone just because they could, you should applaud Jason for last nights show. And you know the most ironic thing? The consensus that I’m getting is that people are bored with him and this season. See, you can never win. They bitch when the Bachelor is a player and the relationship falls apart, then when they actually cast an honest, decent guy who isn’t interested in being in Hollywood someday, they call it boring. See? Nice never wins, I tell ya’.

-Lauren immediately asks Jason when they sit down, “Why did you keep Megan? You like her? Really?” Oh yeah, that’s the way to win a guy over. You could pretty much see the look on his face he was pretty much disgusted with her at this point. Then she followed it up with, “You HAVE to give me a rose tonight.” Yes, ma’am. Whatever you say. Is Lauren producing the show now? Is she coming up with date ideas and scripting out Host Chris’ lines? I think Lauren is very attractive and definitely says what’s on her mind, but she also has an awfully high opinion of herself. Like, I think she thinks it’s a one horse race right now and she’s way out ahead of the rest of the field, when in reality, she’s Barbaro right about now. Sorry to make a dead horse reference, but it had to be done. There wasn’t a chance in hell she was getting a rose tonight no matter what she did. I don’t even think a last ditch BJ at the final cocktail party could’ve done it. Wait, who am I kidding? Of course it would’ve. That usually solves most problems.

-Melissa is now up to cry her eyes out to Jason. She tells him that whole experience is real for her now after seeing him with the other girls, she doesn’t know why she’s crying, and she wishes she had her 28FF’s back. Melissa: “I’ve only been unlucky in love. I’ve been the one that gets heartbroken.” Whoa. Wait a second. Melissa is the one who told us earlier this season that she was in a relationship when she was fifteen until she was twenty-two. Then on her first date with Jason, she told him it’s the first date she’s been on in three years. So, ummmm, how are you “always unlucky in love?” Liar. I guess she felt it necessary to play the sympathy card. Unless from the ages of 10-14, Melissa was a serial dater and getting dumped left and right because guys were intimidated by her giant beach balls she carried around, sounds like Melissa fibbed a little bit there. And it worked. Jason placed his tongue firmly in her mouth and rolled it around.

-Next up? Shannon the Freak Show. This was just uncomfortable to watch. First, she shows up bawling immediately. And I mean BAWLING. She’s so distraught, and crying so much, she’s basically turned into one giant snot bubble. This was her speech. Well, most of what I could write down. It was such a rambling mess, and I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t get everything.

“My friends and family told me I’d be so perfect for this show. They told me I have the best personality, and that the show is perfect for me. You can’t let me go. I have so much to offer you. I’m not letting you let me go. You have to believe in me right now. I want to be a mother. I want to meet Ty. I want you to come home with me.”

It was at this point ABC should’ve played the “Friday the 13th” music in the background because this was officially getting scary. So after blabbering on about that, all the while building up more snot, she blows her nose and wipes it right before wanting a kiss. Ummm, let me tell you something. Other than when you wake up in the morning with no make up on, hair disheveled, and we both have morning breath, I think the only other least attractive time where we don’t want to kiss you is after you blow your nose in our face. “I feel like my kiss was rejected.” That’s because it was, sweetie. He wanted no part of your leftover mucus. Hey, I’m not saying that some guys won’t kiss in the morning, but it’s certainly something we’d rather hold off on. Hey, you come here for honesty, right? And oh yeah, Naomi got the rose since I guess she cried the most.

-Time for the most painful 2-on-1 date ever. Jason dressed up like the limo driver yet again to pick up Stephanie and Nikki. Stephanie went with the gold dress that accentuated her chest region and took a shower in glitter apparently. Nikki, shockingly enough, wore a black dress which didn’t focus on her assets whatsoever. Strike one. And here’s something that really caught my eye last night. I guess its been somewhat apparent in previous episodes, but last night really stuck out to me. Nikki’s sideburns. Holy crap. I understand women when they let their hair down, sometimes you have a little sideburn action. Not Nikki. She looked like Brandon Walsh with the thickness of them and how perfectly shaped they were. Very weird. I don’t really think I’ve seen that look before. Strike two. Nikki Priestley is gonna have to come from behind tonight.

-So Debra the dance teacher decides to teach these two the waltz. Jason basically has two left feet, Priestley is freaking out again because she has to do something she’s totally uncomfortable doing, and Stephanie has taught ballet her whole life. Pretty much Strike Three right there. So each gets their turn to waltz with Jason and lets just say Jason and Nikki won’t be appearing on “Dancing with the Stars” next season. Although, Donnie Osmond will. I guess he spilled the beans on a talk show yesterday when he wasn’t supposed to. I wonder if he’ll faint like his sister did. Although, his giant pearly whites might make his partner faint if he smiles too much. Easy on the veneers, Donnie. You look like Jim Carrey in the “Mask”.

-Over dinner, Jason asks either of them if it’d be difficult for them to move to Seattle. And of course, both of them say, “Yeah, sure, no problem. I’ve got nothing keeping me where I am. I’d move in heartbeat.” Stephanie not taking into consideration uprooting a 4 year old and bringing her halfway across the U.S. And Priestley selfishly not thinking at all what her breasts have to say about this. I think she needs to run all important, life altering decisions by them. Jason pulls Priestley (hey, I said Jason Priestley) away from the table to find out more about her 11 year relationship. She tells him she was in a relationship from when she was 17 until she was 28. Her boyfriend woke up one morning, grabbed her hooters one last time, and told her he loved her but didn’t want to marry her. And that was the end of that. Strike Four. This has just been a rough night all around for Priestley. She can’t dance, her boobs are a non-factor tonight, she had to re-live the ex-boyfriend that she’s still pissed didn’t marry her and give her children. Brutal. So yeah, Stephanie got the rose.

-Priestley is shocked she’s going home. That makes one of us. “I never saw it coming. I don’t know how much smarter I can get, or prettier I could get. It’s just not good enough. I do everything right, yet I’m always rejected.” Wait, huh? You were just in an 11 year relationship, and said you hadn’t had any real serious dates since then, so how are you “always the one rejected?” Another liar. What’s with these chicks this season? All presidents of the V-club, and all lying about past men they’ve bedded. They should all have to take a polygraph test before coming on the show. First question: Are you a virgin? If the answer is yes, their application is immediately thrown away. Second question: Have you slept with less than five men? Another yes, and their application gets put into the pile of “If we’re really desperate and running out of time. And if our Bachelor is a weenie.”

-During the final cocktail party, it’s the last ditch effort for a few of these chicks, and this is where Jason makes his stand. Naomi, Stephanie, and Molly are safe, and he makes out with Melissa and Jillian. Megan tries to convince him she’s best suited for him. He’s not buying any of it. So he asks her to waltz for some unknown reason. Are you Maksim now? Dude, you’re terrible. Quit dancing. I guess that was his way of avoiding sitting face to face with her and begging him to kiss her. So maybe it was a smart move. I take it back. Shannon tried her hardest to get another kiss out of him. Nope. Surprised she didn’t show up with a bloody nose or something. Then Lauren basically forces him to kiss her after she was pissed she didn’t listen to her demands from the group date. You know, the one where she TOLD him to give her a rose. Jason: “You didn’t ask me, you told me.” Lauren: “C’mon, you so want to kiss me. Let’s get it over with.” Awww, how romantic. Can’t imagine why he didn’t want to keep you around.

-Rose ceremony time. Jason actually has something to say this week. “It’s been another amazing week. Getting to know all of you has been better than I imagined. Thank you for everything. This decision couldn’t possibly be any easier considering I don’t even like three of you.”

Melissa: Her reduced breasts are much more relieved now.
Jillian: Barely saw her this episode. Still has a hot dog fetish I’m sure. Hey, that’s a good thing.

“Ladies, Jason. This is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready.”
Jason: “Hey Chris, get your ass back here. I’m done. Take this rose and burn it. None of these three is remotely what I’m looking for. Megan is Negative Nelly, Lauren is a diva, and Shannon is a nut job. I’ll take my chances with these five.”

-I was kinda surprised that last week, and even during the commercial breaks this week, they were showing Jason at the Rose ceremony saying, “I can’t do this. I can’t give this rose out.” Kind of gave away the suspense when he had three ladies left and one rose to give, didn’t it? Was anyone surprised by that ending? I sure wasn’t. Oh wait, Lauren was. “I didn’t think it was fair that he changed up the rules and didn’t give out the last rose.” Oh, ok. So you’d rather him just give you one out of pity, then just boot you to the curb next week? I guess you weren’t a fan of Brad’s season then. Lauren, I think its time to going back and writing love songs, buying more loopy earrings, and being the best Britney wannabe that you can be. Good luck with that.

-Well, you figured we’d get a Shannon meltdown after she got dumped, but actually handled herself quite well. Although, she did deliver the line of the season afterwards: “I’m gonna go home to my electric toothbrush and French kiss my dog.” Ummm, ok? The funny thing is, after everything we’ve seen of Shannon this season, it’s almost like I expected something like that to come out of her mouth. Electric toothbrush. French kiss the dog. I mean, WOW. She is a doozy, I tell ya’. What an electric toothbrush has to do with anything other than her being a dental hygienist, I have no idea. Probably the most random statement ever uttered by anyone after getting dumped.

-That’s it for this week. Hope you enjoyed a column that took me close to four and a half hours to write. Granted, I had some distractions. But it still took me a lifetime. The “I Love Reality Steve” group is still going strong. Over 400 members now. Doesn’t look like we’ll get to a 1,000, but we can sure try. So tell anyone and everyone about it, and you’ll realize how inherently cool you are for doing it. Also added a few pictures up on my Facebook page. Some family stuff, but since I hadn’t added anything in a while, I figured I would. Any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, email me at Until next week.



  1. Karen

    January 27, 2009 at 1:18 PM

    Hilarious as always…thanks for cheering up my crappy day!

  2. Jennifer

    January 27, 2009 at 1:24 PM

    Good column Steve – I thought Shannon would freak out at the end also….very disappointing. Also: maybe its just me but when Nikki & Stephanie (my favorite to win although she is a little too tall for him and too motherly) were picking out the dresses they supplied for the date…….the dress that Nikkie wore was NOT on the rack? was it???? or maybe I’m getting crazy from watching this stuff. I thought the dress was purple/lilca or something and she comes out wearing a black dress? Whatever….can’t wait to see who wins this thing. If you can call it winning.

  3. Katrina

    January 27, 2009 at 1:32 PM

    My guess is that “best one of the sea” refers to Chicken of the Sea.

  4. Amanda

    January 27, 2009 at 1:43 PM

    “Where are the days of the true sluts like Trish, or Kirsten, or anyone from Andy Baldwins season. Ha ha. Kidding. Had to give a little shout out there. First public shout out ever in my column. Sorry ladies.”

    Steve – whatever, i’m mad at u! but i can’t stop reading…this is the best laught of my day πŸ™‚

  5. Katie

    January 27, 2009 at 1:53 PM

    I think this is one of your funniest columns. It was worth all the hours you spent! Good work

  6. Jen

    January 27, 2009 at 2:00 PM

    Am I the only one not getting the full column? It ends with his updates on high school year book comments:
    β€œIt has been a great year and I am glad I got the chance to know you. Just think – if you never came to

  7. Lynn

    January 27, 2009 at 2:03 PM

    Jennifer – I caught the “dress thing” as well. Priestly did not wear the dress given to her…did she bust out of it when trying it on??

  8. sally

    January 27, 2009 at 2:20 PM

    i too do NOT have the full column.

  9. Monica

    January 27, 2009 at 2:28 PM

    To Jennifer who made the comment about the dress. You are right. I actually rewound it last night to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. It was a lavender/lilac color and even the cut looked a bit different. I would love to know what is up w/ that.

    Steve – once again, you make me bust a gut. I’m at work reading the blog, laughing out loud to Nikki’s sideburns. You definitely have found your niche. We all appreciate all the work you put into the column.

  10. Kiley

    January 27, 2009 at 2:37 PM

    I don’t have the full recap either…ends on my screen in that spot also. Yikes! My Tuesday lunch hour feels a little incomplete now.

  11. Julia

    January 27, 2009 at 2:47 PM

    I donth ave the full blog!! πŸ™

  12. Wendy

    January 27, 2009 at 2:57 PM

    Steve, I don’t have your full blog either. I was wondering where it is???? I’m looking very forward to it as there is so much fun to poke at this week.

  13. Jennifer

    January 27, 2009 at 3:24 PM

    STEVE: Check out the dress thing….there are several of us who are interested as to why Nikki didnt wear the one offered to her. This question is about as relevant as this show…hahahaha
    I crack myself up.

  14. Theresa

    January 27, 2009 at 4:00 PM

    To those who don’t have the full blog, back out of the and then go back in or refresh the website. It should be there.

    Too funny!

  15. Liana

    January 27, 2009 at 4:55 PM

    I also noticed about Nikki’s dress change. Maybe it was the wrong size, or her boobs didn’t fit in it? Whatever, Steve try to find out what happened. You know we love the scoop.

    OMG, what was up with Nikki’s sideburns? I had not noticed them before, but last night it was all I could look at. She looked like Elvis!

    Poor, sad Shannon disappointed me at the end. I fully expected her to go postal. I had visions of Shannon grabbing onto Jason’s legs and the producers prying her arms off him. She IS a nut case.

    Steve, your columns never fail to make me laugh out loud. Keep up the good work. By the way, I had forgotten all about Joe Millionaire until you mentioned it. LOL

  16. JK

    January 27, 2009 at 5:02 PM

    O-M-G (as Megan would say), your column is hilarious.

  17. Anonymous

    January 27, 2009 at 5:36 PM

    Great stuff. Thanks for putting in the time. It’s worth it.

  18. Kathy

    January 27, 2009 at 5:42 PM

    Steve, who are your top 3 Bachelorettes of all time? if Molly makes #5?

  19. Anonymous

    January 27, 2009 at 6:02 PM

    I read several blogs today, and yours is the best! When I was listening to Nikki I kept thinking of Debbie Downer too.

    Nikki: “I don’t know what else I could be. I don’t know how much smarter I could get or how much prettier I could get.”

    Ummm, I’d like to suggest a having a personality.

    Nikki: “I’ve never been married. I don’t have any children. Stephanie already had one on one time with Jason. She already had a man. She married him and had his daughter and sadly he died.”

    I’m gonna guess Nikki’s beauty pageants never resulted in a Miss Congeniality trophy.

    Nikki also didn’t do herself any favors by not wearing the dress ABC provided. Not a good idea to cover up her only assets on the crucial 2 on 1 date.

    ABC camera crew did it again.
    Jason: Both these girls have got amazing qualities (camera zooms in on Stephanie’s DD’s, Jason glances at her rack then over at Nikki’s and then Nikki looks down at hers).
    Translation: amazing qualities=nice rack.

    Here’s my song for Jason “He’s a super freak, super freak, he’s super freaky. Yow!”

    Too bad Megan didn’t get a rose. She could have told Ty “It sure pi$$ed off all those a$$holes when your daddy gave me a F*&$ing rose.”

    Shannon’s you HAVE TO pick me and then making a V with her fingers pointing them at Jason’s eyes and then at her eyes. So much for the weird, psychotic hypnosis attempt. At least she can go home and French kiss her dog.

    I say Mel and J all the way. They have nicknames for each other, always a good sign. Their kisses are mutual not like Lauren, Megan, Shannon (barf). Stephanie is like a mother figure, Jillian is like a friend. Ditto for Naomi. Molly reminds me of someone I can’t trust. I’m not sure why.

    We’ll see what happens. I’m sure you’ll keep us laughing about it.

  20. angela

    January 27, 2009 at 8:47 PM

    I know there’s no way in hell that someone could just pick out a dress that would fit me. Sure, in theory they could buy my size, but only about 1 out of 100 dresses actually “fits” me – probably for the same reason a dress wouldn’t fit Nikki.

  21. Jan Wodehouse

    January 27, 2009 at 8:56 PM

    For the first time, I cannot find one girl for the Bachelor. I think they are all mediocre…no standouts.

    Stephanie is not attractive…those eyebrows.!..does she wake up in the morning without them.?..nice lady..BUT!!!!

    Steve, if you havent figured out the electric toothbrush yet, just let me say, you dont have to use the bristle side…..get it? Her dentist needs to file her teeth down, that girl has one ugly mouth.

    I must say I admire Jason for being able to keep a straight face with some of those nut cases. Still wish they had given him better choices. Love your column….look so forward to reading it the next day…thank you. Jan

  22. Texas Lisa

    January 27, 2009 at 9:27 PM

    LOVE the blog! Yes, I joined the Facebook thingy. Jeez…
    Anyhoo., it’s obvious Jason is “into” Melissa. Perhaps connections with Jeremy et al…meeting someone through a friend…that always prevails….AND when you are together with a woman…and she is comfortable putting her legs across hers…and…she cries…and tells you something very private (breast reduction)…and it doesn’t bother you……….she’s the one.

    No need to do the pinky ring scope.

    If this man picks any one other than Melissa of the women left…I will find that very hard to believe.

    She’s a “Good Egg”. And, in relationship terms…that’s a good thing…


  23. Texas Lisa

    January 27, 2009 at 9:32 PM

    Oh yeah…one more thing…

    Nikki and her tatas….are…”Now Available”…

    Happiness and joy!

  24. Aliciana

    January 28, 2009 at 2:39 AM

    this was absolutely hilarious to read. so glad jason got rid of all the crazies this week!

  25. Chris

    January 28, 2009 at 8:05 AM

    Awesome column as always.

    HELLO! Molly updates & pictures, please!

  26. Megan

    January 28, 2009 at 8:55 AM

    Steve…if you really want to see Jack Wagner…he’s been on The Bold & The Beautiful (a CBS show)…for years.

    Great column…once again.

  27. Anon

    January 28, 2009 at 9:16 AM

    I think that Shannon’s comment was edited. I think she said something about kissing Jason was like kissing a puppy.

  28. Kristi

    January 28, 2009 at 1:43 PM

    Well, I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who noticed the different dresses! It was driving me crazy!! Ha!

  29. Dolores

    January 28, 2009 at 2:44 PM

    I love your blog! It made my bad cloudy day shiny and happy(No.. not really but… You made me laugh) He He

  30. anonymous

    January 28, 2009 at 5:18 PM

    just here to give you the inside scoop. since you’re a guy you could hardly be expected to know what a girl uses an electric toothbrush for. let’s just say they’re cheap, and quite incognito. and produce great results!

  31. Bren

    January 28, 2009 at 5:56 PM

    I agree that this was your funniest column so far! i think that ABC brought out all the crazies this season.

  32. Misi

    January 29, 2009 at 12:16 AM

    When I heard “best of the sea”, I assumed she was referencing the phrase there are other fish in the sea.

  33. Tracy

    January 29, 2009 at 12:49 PM

    This is the best day ever! I was told about your blog and just checked it out. Thanks for adding humor to an otherwise pretty boring day.
    I do have to say I’m sorry to see Sha-nay-nay go home. Am I the only one wondering what kind of fruitcake dentist hired her? I’d love to be a fly on the wall when she’s cleaning someone’s teeth. The conversation must be fascinating. I hope she brushes after making out with her dog.

    Thanks Steve! You rock!

  34. Corey

    January 29, 2009 at 4:30 PM

    Reading this column is one of the best parts of my week. Your writing and humor is top-notch. Excellent work this week, as always!

  35. Sarah

    January 29, 2009 at 10:13 PM

    Nikki probably did not wear the dress that they gave her because “it was out of her comfort zone” or she was not able to wash it 10 times. Seriously, sideburns is sad and pathetic!

  36. Kirsty

    January 30, 2009 at 6:09 PM

    I know I’m a bit late responding to your blog but I only watched the latest Bachelor last night. I taped it and subjected my girlfriends to its awesomeness (who are Bachelor virgins!)… Anyway, nobody probably cares anymore, but I think when Molly was singing she said she was the best SWAN of the sea… which doesn’t make a whole lot more sense than ONE… but maybe a little more… I thought swans preferred lakes.

  37. ellendgen

    February 4, 2009 at 1:24 AM

    So Steve would Ellen DeGeneres love to hear your shocking news ahead of time? She is afterall a “true fan” of the show.

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