A lot to get to this week as we’re adding a few new shows to the mix. Along with “DWTS”, “American Idol” results show, “Celebrity Apprentice”, and “Survivor”, I’m also completely caught up on the “Hills”, and “RW/RR Challenge: The Duel 2”. I also have a few thoughts on the “Cougar” (the craptastic Mike Fleiss creation to hold us over til “The Bachelorette” starts), plus, those nuggets I’ve been promising you about this season of the “Bachelorette”.
As you know, we are adding new sponsors to the website on a continual basis. In case you haven’t checked out “Hollywood Secrets”, it was just featured recently on the “Today” show, as well as in numerous magazines. Since I’m a dude, I can’t really use the stuff, but those who have bought it swear by the stuff. I would never throw junk up on the site, so if it’s here, you know I think it’s a good product. We are about a month away from the start of the “Bachelorette”, and as I said before, I hope to have all merchandise set and ready to go by then. It’s a more difficult process than I thought, but I think we’re on track. So stay tuned.
“Dancing with the Stars”
-This show has been on, what, eight seasons now? Why all the sudden is that theme song following me around all day in my head? That’s a catchy ass song. You know when I think of it the most? Every time I’m walking down a flight of steps. I feel like I’m in a lace shirt, half unbuttoned, and I’m walking down the steps with some hottie on my arm. I know, I’m weird. I never claimed I wasn’t. But damn that song is addicting. Maybe I’ll get it as my ringtone. The key to any reality show is a catchy theme song. “Idols” isn’t really something you can hum along to. I’m surprised there’s isn’t better. I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s recognizable within a millisecond, its just not something you can hum along. “Survivor”? Without a doubt. “DWTS”? Of course. “The Hills”? Sh**, I think I still have that song on my ipod. You know, because I had to download it for a 14 year old girl and I just haven’t had the time to delete it yet. I’ll get around to it.
-Hey, I don’t know if any of you are aware of this since I don’t think they’ve mentioned it, but did you know Shawn Johnson is 17 years old? Yeah, really. She’s also the youngest competitor they’ve ever had. Seriously. Crazy, huh? This whole time I figured she was in her late 20’s and divorced with kids. Look, we get it. We know Shawn is young. Does there have to be a reference to it every single week? This week it was re-creating her prom. Before it was how it’s tough for her to look serious because she’s still in high school. What’s next? I’d really like to cross the line here with a comment, but I’m afraid mothers of teenage girls around the world will crucify me for being a perv. Ok, fine. I’ll wait til later in the column when I talk about Miley Cyrus. You’re safe for now, Shawn.
-This show has always been about C & D list celebrities that you’ve either never heard of, or haven’t heard from in years, and basically coming on the show to rehabilitate their image, or, show themselves in a better light than what’s been perceived of them. There hasn’t been a better example of that this season than Lil’ Kim. I think most adults watching this show had never heard of this female rapper who was in the clink for a year for lying to a federal grand jury. What else you might not know is that she was one of the filthiest female rappers on the planet during her prime. Don’t believe me? She collaborated with 50 Cent on a song called “Magic Stick” a few years back (of course it’s on my ipod), that’s one of the all time greats. Think Lil’ Kim is Ms. Sweet and Innocent on the show? Check out some of her lyrics from “Magic Stick”.
“When it comes to sex, don’t test my skills
Cuz my head game have you head over heels,
And I aint out shoppin’ spendin’ dudes C-notes
I’m in the crib givin n****s deep throat
Nice. Very classy, Kim. I’m sure your parents are proud. I could go on but you get the picture. Steve-O is no saint either, but I think Lil’ Kim and Master P are probably two of the odder casting choices they’ve ever made in terms of their target audience.
-Am I really supposed to believe that Chuck and Julianne’s first date was at the Santa Monica Pier? Really? Are they in high school or something? If you’re over the age of thirteen and your first date is at the Santa Monica Pier, something is wrong with you. These two couldn’t have dinner at Koi? Maybe hit up Ketchup or Le Deux for a first dinner? No, they’d rather spend their first date with teenie boppers eating cotton candy, riding ferris wheels, and watching 8th graders make out behind the churro stand. Something tells me Chuck and Julianne aren’t going to last in the long run. Especially considering I got my question answered last week about how popular he is in the country music world. Basically he’s a novice and a complete non-factor. You know what that means? The “My-wife-is-more-popular-and-makes-more-than-me” syndrome will hit these two like a ton of bricks and they’ll be done. Hey, if it can happen to Chad Lowe, it can happen to Chuck Wicks.
-I want to thank the “DWTS” costume department for taking the week off and letting Lacey dance in her bra and panties this week. Appreciate it. And now next week, the pro dancers costumes will all be designed by their partners. Oh, this should be a knee slapper. Such fun and hijinx on this show, I don’t know if I’ll be able to contain my laughter. Cheap stunt to get people talking, when in reality, I’m guessing the costumes won’t be nearly as awful as they’re making them out to be.
-I know a lot of you fast forward through Wednesday’s results show. Hell, I usually do too. Well, I watch the musical performance for about 20-30 seconds and if I like what I see, I’ll continue to watch it. Anyway, for those that missed it, I must commend this weeks act. Did you see Tony and Julianne’s routine while Rascal Flatts was singing? Holy crap. Best routine I’ve ever seen in the history of this show. I know nothing about dancing and even I know that had to be about as difficult a routine as you could get. I swear Tony picked her up off her feet twenty different times during the performance. Spinning her around, throwing her in the air, holding her above his head, etc. Yes, I know she weighs about 75 lbs soaking wet, but still. I wonder if that performance is on You Tube? Let me check. Yep, here it is:
“American Idol” Results Show
-So yeah, uhhhhh, first week I was way off in my predictions. Only had one of the bottom three, and the person I had going home wasn’t even in there. Oops. Hey, I’m allowed at least one bad week, right? Once again, this is another show that I usually fast forward through. But since “Lost” and this were both on at the same time and I was eating, I figured I’d just watch this one live and actually give the results show a viewing from beginning to end. So this is actually the first time I watched the group performance all the way through. Usually my ears start bleeding after ten seconds, and I fast forward. So I gotta say, after watching it all the way through for the first time, I’ve been terribly mistaken this whole time. That group performance is 100 times worse than I ever said it was.
-So Zac Efron was in the audience promoting his movie “17 Again”. Seriously, how many times has that movie concept been done? I remember “Like Father, Like Son” with Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore when I was growing up. Then there was “Vice Versa” with Judge Reinhold and Fred Savage. “18 Again” had George Burns in it where he switched bodies with his grandson. On the female side, there was “Freaky Friday” with a pre-coked out Lindsay Lohan and the hermaphrodite Jamie Lee Curtis. Then “All of Me” had Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin. I think you get my point. Is this THAT funny of a concept to make the movie 6 DIFFERENT TIMES! Geesh. Hollywood is so unoriginal, it’s pathetic. And much more so nowadays than it used to be. Everything now is a remake of a TV show, a remake of a movie, a prequel, or a comedy written by Judd Apatow starring one or more of the following people: Seth Rogen, Bill Hader, Jonah Hill, Jason Segel, or Paul Rudd. Hey, not saying those movies aren’t funny because they are, but when one is released every two weeks, doesn’t the law of diminishing returns set in?
-I watched Miley Cyrus’ performance. All I’m gonna say is this: Now before you get all huffy and start accusing me of being a pedophile, actually take the time to read what I say. I’m saying IF I was a teenage boy right now, there’s something about her that would do it for me. Yes, I know she’s got chipmunk face going on, and she’s also very gummy, but it’s almost like you’re projecting out what she’ll, ummmmm, develop into. Cute girl. Am I going to jail for saying that? It’s actually one teen girl that I would really like to not see crash and burn. Seems like she has a much more solid family upbringing than Britney and all the other teenage trainwrecks. Sure, I bet she’ll do a few risquÃ© “Maxim” magazine covers in a few years, and the content of her songs will start getting a little edgier, but just know I’m rooting for her not to completely go wheels off and become a drug addicted psychopath.
-I’m definitely glad the judges decided to save Matt Giraud. Not because he has a chance to win, because he doesn’t, but just we can stop this huddling nonsense the judges do during the booted off one’s final performance. So hokey. I think it was fairly obvious they were going to save Matt too. I mean, next week would’ve been the last week they could use it anyway, so if they didn’t use it this week, I think it would’ve been anti-climactic if they would’ve used it next week. And with Paula and Kara both dancing and loving on Matt the whole performance, I just thought that would’ve been weird to essentially say, “We love you, we loved your performance, but see ya.”
-Disco week is always interesting since all these songs are before the kids times and its usually week that gets butchered. I don’t know what songs any of them are singing, but wouldn’t “Stayin’ Alive” fit Adam perfectly? Especially the long drawn out part of the “Stayin’ Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive” chorus where he can start doing his squealing again. “Oh Reality Steve, you just hate Adam. He is the best and he’s gonna win. I can’t believe you don’t see that.” Once again, for everyone that thinks I hate Adam and don’t want to see him win, let me refresh your memory and bring you back to the first “American Idol” column I wrote this season. I said I expected him to be in the final two, I said I didn’t think he’d win, but if he did, I’d have absolutely no problem with it. So where in there does it say I hate Adam and don’t appreciate good talent. Adam is the most original and unique contestant they’ve ever had on this show. Period. And I don’t think its close. Is he for everybody? No, he’s not. But it doesn’t mean he’s not good. So just because I say his performance didn’t do anything for me, or I wish he would stop squealing, doesn’t change the bottom line of what I think about him. But by being the most talented and original contestant they’ve had, also doesn’t mean anything in terms of winning. It’s almost better for his career if he doesn’t win this thing. Danny Gokey is tailor-made to win a competition like this. Good underdog backstory, appeals to a wider range of people, and will be able to put out a good album under “Idols” label. Adam doesn’t sing the type of music that “Idol” would eventually have a hand in producing for his first album. So Adam fans, trust me, you don’t want him winning this thing. Let Gokey win it. He’s more bubble gum pop and marketable to the “Idol” audience than Adam is.
-I want to briefly mention this internet craze right now of Susan Boyle, the homely 47 year old British woman who’s “Britain’s Got Talent” You Tube audition video has made her an overnight star. Can we please back away from the lovefest for her? I mean seriously. You do understand why everyone is going nuts about her, right? It’s because she’s unattractive and awkward. Does she have a good voice? Yes. But you put that voice on anyone more attractive and less awkward than her (and there are plenty of them around), and that person wouldn’t get nearly the attention she’s getting. America is essentially jumping on her singing ability because of the way she looks. It was “unexpected”. If you watch the buildup on the audition video, they’re setting her up to be made fun of, then when she sings, the voice that comes out of that body and demeanor is completely unexpected. Great. But I’m baffled as to the attention its getting. You can hear that voice at any Macaroni Grill by those opera singing waiters and waitresses. I’m not joking. Good voice, no doubt. But lets not act like we’ve never anyone sing like that before. 13 million You Tube views? Really?
-Yet another episode goes by and yet another team is up against the clock again trying to complete something for their task. Uh huh. Sure they were. How come every single week no team ever has anything ready on time, or even with time to spare? Someone is always running down the street at the last minute, or in a cab trying to get somewhere in “x” amount of time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m sure that’s all done for storyline. Has to be since it happens every single episode. If there was no tension and no drama, then no one would care about the show.
-Who decided Life Lock would be a fun and interesting sponsor for this show? That had to be one of the more boring tasks ever in this shows history. I thought it was weird that it was a 2 hour show, yet, they were done in the boardroom 1 hour and 15 minutes in and they immediately started to work on their next task. It was almost like after filming they realized, “Wow. What a boring task. There’s nothing we can do to drag this thing out for 2 hours. So let’s just basically throw up the white flag on this one, we’ll barely give it an hour, then we’ll just jump to the next one.” Did you see during one of the commercial breaks who was endorsing Life Lock? Carolyn Kepcher. The former Trump employee who was in the boardroom with him for the first few seasons. Remember she left because she kinda wanted to expand her career? Uhhhh, what exactly has she done since? I know she wrote a book. Have no idea how well it did, but I’m guessing it was mediocre. Nice career move, Carolyn.
-The more I watch this show, the more I’m completely confused by Sandra Bullock and her taste in men. Does Jesse James have any other emotion in his body other than the one we’ve seen every single episode so far? Sometimes I think they need to break out the paddles and pump some life into him. What a boring, uninspiring, guy. Yet he pulled Sandra Bullock. Explain that one. He’s a different, different guy. I’ve never quite seen anyone that unemotional about anything and everything that goes on around him. You can be low-key and all, but he’s taking it to a completely different level. Whatever floats your boat, buddy. The guy just puts me to sleep.
-Have Melissa Rivers and Carly Simon ever been seen in the same room together at the same time? Didn’t think so. They are strikingly similar in the whole jaw region. And its good to see that Piers Morgan makes a return this week. Always liked that guy. He single handedly made last season worth watching. Maybe when he’s on he can gush to us more about Susan Boyle and how fabulous she is. I mean, I hate to be the party pooper here, but I just can’t grasp the fascination with her. So just because she looks like someone who could live down the street from you and talks to her cats all day long and can sing, that makes her this famous? They’re essentially glorifying the fact that she’s ugly and homely, yet masking it by praising her for her voice. Good thing is, I honestly don’t think she’ll make any sort of splash in the states. It’s pretty obvious she’ll end up winning “Britain’s Got Talent”, but then I think her career has got about a two week shelf life after that. Kinda like Jason and Molly.
-I’d say last nights episode was one of the more entertaining in recent memory. Whether you like Coach or not, and I’m guessing most people (like myself) can’t stand the guy, but you gotta admit he’s turning into must see TV every week. WWCD. What Will Coach Do? “Survivor” has always been great in editing because they lead you to believe one thing, then spring something else on you. Or they only show you certain parts of conversations that certain people are having to make you think one way so that when a blindside happens, you don’t see it coming. Last night was played perfectly. You had Coach and Tyson’s alliance saying Brendan was gone, yet, you had Brendan’s exile alliance saying they were going to blindside Coach. You honestly didn’t know going in to Tribal Council which one was going to win out as a viewer. In fact, I’ll admit I was wrong. I thought Coach was gone. I thought the way they didn’t show the Exile alliance last week, set it up this week to where it was going to take control of the game. So good job in editing.
-Do I believe a word Coach says? Absolutely not. I think all of us know someone like Coach. Just a guy who has a rather high opinion of himself, is always exaggerating stories, and just is an all around good B.S.’er. That’s Coach. Even Probst knows he’s a liar as he talks about in his blog today. So I guess we’re looking at a Coach, Tyson, JT, Stephen final four based on last night’s events. Well, at least that’s what they want us to believe. Usually never works out that way though. Especially since Timbira decided to pick off one of their own last night. They still have the numbers at 5-3, but something tells me it won’t be smooth sailing to the end. There’s going to be a shakeup at some point down the line. I can see Timbira turning on Coach and Tyson because of the annoying factor, and the remaining Jalapao members (JT, Stephen, and Taj), aligning with Sierra and Erin or that other blonde chick to vote out Coach and Tyson. Tyson is the biggest physical threat right now, so I don’t know why they wouldn’t go after him. Even though Jalapao is outnumbered, they could control the game if they wanted to. They would just need Erin and/or Sierra to come to their side, which shouldn’t be too hard.
-Isn’t it funny how “The Hills” is supposed to be this reality show which surrounds Lauren’s life, yet the two biggest things in her life (her clothing line and boyfriend Kyle Howard), aren’t part of it? She’s a fashion designer, we see her “work” at People’s Revolution, yet they never make mention of the fact she’s already her own overpriced and crappy clothing line. I understand this show has become a victim of its own success and they don’t want to show the side of these kids being followed by the paparazzi and what not, but then what’s the point of the show? And since all their storylines play out ahead of line in tabloid mags and internet sites, it makes it even worse. Heidi and Spencer are struggling in their relationship and want to see a counselor? Well great. Considering they’re filming they’re wedding to be aired in the season finale next weekend, what’s the point of watching them go through this fake counseling for the next few weeks when we know they’re together? Look, these questions are rhetorical. I’m not expecting answers. I’m just here to rip the show for being awful. Which makes me look even worse since I watch it every week.
-Why does Kelly Coutrone’s hair always look greasy and like she hasn’t showered in a week? Has she ever gotten dressed up in her life? What a miserable person. I know she’s a fashion big wig, but please. Quit taking yourself so seriously. With that said, I loved the interview with Stephanie Pratt. What scripted drama that was. Stephanie’s completely underqualified to get that position, yet, you know she’ll get hired, she’ll screw up, Lauren will take the blame, it’ll create drama, Lauren and Stephanie will get in a fight, there’ll be crying, and it’ll all play out like the script says. Good times.
-So who’s this D-list actress they cast to play the role of “slutty bartender that tries to cause a rift in Heidi and Spencer’s relationship”? I bet she was thrilled when MTV came calling for that role. Oh wait, no, she’s just a random bartender who works in LA who has no idea who Spencer is, or that he has a girlfriend, or that a camera is in the bar filming them flirting. Do you see where I’m going with this? How ridiculous can you get? Spencer knows there’s a camera filming him, openly flirts with slutty bartender, then acts like he never did? Huh? Ummmmm, we all saw it Spencer. The script read for you to flirt with Ms Slut, ask her to dance on the table for you, make googly eyes at her, then when confronted on it, lie it ever happened. Great acting, really. You nailed that scene.
-You know what I was most looking forward to in the first episode this season during Lauren’s birthday party? To see if that douchenozzle that won “Bromance” would show up with Brody and Frankie and get any face time. Nope. Dude, I thought he and Brody were like, totally BFF’s now. Isn’t he supposed to follow Brody around everywhere and kiss his ass? God, what an absolutely degrading show for every male who appeared on it. I never got around to reviewing “Bromance” but yes, I saw every episode. It was truly the most pathetic display of male bonding I’ve ever seen. So the first chance this guy gets to appear with Brody in public on TV and they don’t let him? Hell, I haven’t even read anything on that since the show ended. I wondered if they’re still even friends or if Frankie got pissed and kicked the guys ass for sleeping with his lover? Ooooohhhh scandalous. They should make a show out of that love triangle.
“RW/RR Challenge: The Duel 2”
-Awesome. For the first time in about 10 seasons, I passed on the “Real World”. Didn’t see one episode of “RW: Brooklyn. With a Tranny.” Had them all tivo’ed, then got so backed up, I just decided to delete them. And I missed the last “RW/RR Challenge: The Island” too. I have no idea how that turned out. But this is seriously a franchise that should never die. They should do these until the end of time. I could watch this show over and over. The drinking, the sex, the backstabbing, the drama. Genius. And considering this is the only thing that these contestants have going on in their lives, I’m guessing they think the show should go on forever as well. I mean, you can never win enough T-Mobile sidekicks or Xbox 3’s, can you?
-I have a question. Who do you think is angrier: The Incredible Hulk or CT? I’m convinced now that they purposely cast CT on these shows just so he will punch someone in the face and eliminate himself. Has he ever lasted? I think the last two I’ve seen with him in it he’s gone by the first week because he’s a raging alcoholic. What an absolute zero that guy is. Dude, because you want to fight everyone when you’re drunk doesn’t mean you’re a bad ass. You might want to get help for that. Did I hear him say he wanted to eat Adam’s skull? Is that right? Nice one. Very level headed individual. Talk about a guy that has no chance at any sort of future. What company in their right mind would hire that guy?
-Funny how “popular” some of these people on the show can become. Take Evan for example. That guy is always front and center on these challenges and usually in the mix of everything going on, yet, if you ask most people who he is or where he came from, they probably wouldn’t be able to tell you. He was from the one season where they did the whole “Fans vs Favorites” thing. So this is a guy that was never on either the “Real World” or “Road Rules”, yet, he’s on the biggest players in the Challenge every season. Man, lucky him. He must be pretty fired up to own probably about 10 sets of Bose headphones. Those go a long way, I’m sure.
-I never watched the first “Duel” so I had no idea of the concept behind it. Essentially, it works like every other challenges works to where the weak and the rookies get eliminated early, and the cliques that stick together on all these shows last longer. So basically, it’s no different than any other season. What happened to Kenny? Why did they give him this Challenge off? He’s the most entertaining of all these people. It’s just amazing how much they’ve milked that franchise for every last buck. “Real World” is going to be on its 20th season? Or 19th? And next season is in Cancun. Talk about debauchery. Holy crap. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see our first death in the “Real World” history due to alcohol poisoning. I would’ve said our first STD, but I’m sure that’s already happened considering how they’ve all slept with each other at some point.
-I have it tivo’ed, but didn’t watch the first episode yet. Just know I will eventually and it’ll become a regular feature in this column. And since it is the creation of Mike Fleiss, I fully expect it to be awful. The thing that is so ridiculous about the concept and what I heard about the first episode is that all these 20-somethings that the cougar is after are all like models and bartenders. Is it far fetched to think that a hottie in her 40’s would date a guy in his 20’s nowadays? Of course not. But usually when you see that happen, the guy in his 20’s is usually already settled in a career? From what I heard, none of these guys are entrepreneurs by a long shot. So we expect a twice divorced cougar with four kids to start shacking up with some guy who takes body shots off underage girls for a living? I think I’d find it a little more believable if they didn’t cast such stereotypical, right-out-of-college, have-no-idea-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life guys. But I’ll definitely watch, no doubt.
-They are a few weeks into filming right now, and here’s what I can tell you. For the first time in the show’s history, the season will start with 30 men instead of 25. First elimination was 30 down to 20. After that, I believe the 2nd elimination brought it down to 17. Also, Jillian is looking a lot better than she did on the “Bachelor”, which was expected. They all decide to get themselves in shape and all dolled up once they realize the focus is on them. As for any spoilers, I don’t want to give anything major away just yet, but let’s just say that this season is playing right into form of past seasons. Things you’ve heard being done in previous seasons, manipulations, scheming, all will be in play this season. One of the dudes from Dallas got booted on the first night, I’m sure of that. As for other guys who could be a factor, I think I mentioned Mr Restaurant guy from San Diego Julian in a previous post. Ummmm, well, cross him off your list. Done. Already booted. That’s what I got so far. There’s one major thing I’m working on but I need a little more verification before I run with it. Hope this holds you over for now.
That’s it for this week. I will fill everyone in next week on how the event Saturday goes for the CAP Center. Any donations you want to make would be greatly appreciated, and I’m honored that I was asked to be a part of this. I’m sure it’ll be blast. Hey, with drinks and dancing, there’s a chance the dancing fool might bust out at the Palomar Saturday night. We’ll see. Also, give the “Hollywood Secrets” product a look. It’s really starting to take off. Any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, queries, send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Until next week.