Well, well, well. Back at it yet again, less than three months after our last debacle involving the Jason/Melissa/Molly garbage. For those who found my site during all that mess and are expecting me to break some news about how Jillian walked off the set, quit the show, and now Melissa is the “Bachelorette”, I’m sorry to disappoint. I think it’s safe to say what happened last season was a 1-in-a-million ending that ABC laid out for everyone, and they hit it out of the park with their huge finale ratings. Do you honestly expect them to come back this season and do something just as outlandish? I highly doubt it. Hey, if something crazy happens, you’ll know about it here. I just wouldn’t count on it. So to all you newbies, let me re-introduce myself. I am Reality Steve, a mild mannered fully employed heterosexual male who has been doing this for the last 15 editions of this show (11 Bachelors, 4 Bachelorettes). This is something that started out as an email to a few friends that has grown internationally over the years (Hey, I just got my first email from someone in Singapore so I can claim its international now). It is my humorous, sarcastic, slanted view (or just read what it says above my name up top) on this completely unsuccessful show which takes itself much too seriously. Why do I say that? Because in 17 seasons (13 Bachelors, 4 Bachelorettes), they’ve produced 1 marriage. I’d say that’s unsuccessful.
-We have come to expect failure when watching this show season in season out, and that’s why I’m here. To celebrate failure. It’s fun, really. I enjoy the hell out of it. For those looking to me for positive feedback, which guys I think are best suited for Jillian, who I want to see win, you’ve come to the wrong place. I could care less about those things. This column is strictly for entertainment purposes only. Always has been, always will be. So if I say something negative about someone you like (which I can guarantee you I will), don’t take offense. That’s what this column is for. To make fun of the people who willingly sign up to be on this show, do what producers tell them to do, get edited in a way that makes it more enjoyable for the viewers, then listen to them tell us afterwards, “That’s not me. This show is very heavily edited”. Exactly. You knew that going in, so, you can’t complain about it after the fact. Hence the reason it’s tough to ever feel sorry for anyone who appears on this show. They get what they have coming to them the minute they sign their name on the dotted line. Especially when it comes to this column.
-Let’s get started with our “Bachelorette”, Ms. Jillian Harris. Or as I like to call her, “ABC’s 3rd choice.” Hey, at least Jillian has a sense of humor about it. Here’s what she had to say in a conference call last week regarding being ABC’s 3rd choice behind Molly and Melissa.
“I was a third choice on last season. I know what that feels like. I’m comfortable with that. Obviously there’s going to be other people that are considered for this role. So no, it doesn’t come as a surprise to me that they would have asked Melissa and Molly. They’re both very beautiful, talented, outgoing, personable girls. And just also me being placed third on The Bachelor sort of naturally places either one of them as the natural choice. So I mean no it doesn’t make me feel like I’m third. It makes me feel really happy that they declined.”
To make one thing clear, Molly was supposedly asked, or going to be asked to be the “Bachelorette” once she was dumped by Jason at the final rose ceremony last season. ABC and Mike Fleiss have admitted they like casting people now from previous seasons because they’ve built up a fan base, and the audience will feel more compelled to watch their “journey” from getting dumped, to potentially finding someone else. So once Jason chose Melissa, Molly was someone that naturally would’ve been asked next. Of course, there’s that little thing of whether or not you actually believe Jason was sincere when he chose Melissa, since we reported here first, that that was never the case and last season was all scripted out. Neither here nor there anymore. It’s over. Lets move on. But just to set the record straight, ABC and Fleiss did admit to going after Molly, then after finding out Jason was “changing his mind”, asked Melissa, who wanted no part of the show anymore (DWTS had not approached her yet).
-So Jillian, being our first Canadian “Bachelorette” (or “Bachelor” for that matter), must’ve been shocked to see that of the 30 guys who show up on the first night, not a single one of them was Canadian. Even more proof the guys cast for this show were for Molly or Melissa, and Jillian was a last second replacement. Filming started on Jillians season March 25th or 26th. She was announced as the “Bachelorette”, to the public, on Tues. night March 3rd. Anyone in TV production knows that there’s not a chance ABC cast 30 guys strictly to fit Jillians needs, personality, wants, etc in 22 days. Impossible. These guys are cast months in advance because of the storyline the show wants to create for the season. Essentially, they’re casting for “roles”. The jock, the break dancer, the pilot, the sensitive guy, the crazy foot fetish dude. All that is taken into consideration beforehand, and THEN they cast whoever they want as the “Bachelor/ette”. So if Jillian happens to have a connection with one of these 30, then great. It’s a bonus. But they’re not casting these guys in hopes of finding a one true love for Jillian. They’re casting in hopes of producing a dramatic television show.
-I think one of the funnier moments to come from her conference call last week was when she was asked about her steamy make out session with Jason in the hot tub, and if it ever led to them having sex. Let me applaud whatever reporter asked that question. Awesome. You know why? Because it’s the question I’ve gotten asked more than any other question regarding this show over the years. “Do they have sex on the overnight dates?” Hands down, the most asked question. And I loved how Jillian flipped out when she answered it.
“I think that’s probably the most inappropriate question ever. I’m normally a very open girl. Anyone can assume that if we went into a hot tub and had a steamy make out session, you can assume we quote, unquote, ‘did it.’ Even if I had or hadn’t, I don’t think that’s a question that should be asked. I think being a 30-year-old grown woman, people can look at me and who I am as a person, and they are entitled to their opinion. Let’s say I had slept with Jason, I don’t think that’s anybody’s business.
Translation: We did it. Once again, the minute you sign up to be on this ridiculous show is the minute your personal/private/business life becomes all of our business. So if you didn’t want the question to be asked, don’t agree to go on the show. Or give a viewing audience of over 10 million people a soft core porn video of you and Jason in a hot tub. Sorry, totally appropriate question and I hope she gets asked it again. And I hope she flips out over it again.
-Probably the question I’ve been asked the second most in recent weeks is in regards to where they stand with filming right now. As we speak, Jillian is in Hawaii, where I’m assuming they’re doing the final rose ceremony. At least, that’s where she was last week during her conference call. So with a March 25th/26th start date, and a 6-8 week filming schedule this show sticks to, it makes sense they’re not done filming yet. Even Host Chris talks about it in his blog today that they’re not done filming. So because they’re not done filming doesn’t mean much in the long run, other than Jillian and whoever she chooses won’t have as much time apart as past couples have. And that whoever the F1 is won’t get leaked as early. Normally, filming is done at least a month before the first episode even airs. The fact they decided to go this route tells me one thing: They were definitely trying to strike while the iron was hot after the attention the show got last season. No thanks to me. Still expecting my check in the mail, ABC.
-One last note before getting to last nights events, as mentioned in Fridays “Reality Roundup” column, Jason and Molly were in Turks and Caicos this past weekend with Ty. When I wrote that, I thought it was because they’re so in love and wanted to get away for the weekend. Come to find out, they were there because they were paid to be there as there was a hotel grand opening that other “celebrities” attended. Hey, I don’t blame them for taking a free vacation to Turks and Caicos on someone else’s dime. Who wouldn’t? Just wanted to report why they were really there since I didn’t know on Friday when I wrote it. And this trip pretty much confirms they have nothing to do with showing up in Hawaii to give Jillian advice, which is being speculated. Please. What advice could Jason and Molly possibly give Jillian? How to secretly text, call, and see each other behind someone else’s back? On to last nights show. Stick around til the end where we’ll have a preview of the RealitySteve.com merchandise set to launch next week.
-I loved when they opened the show recapping Jillians “journey” with Jason. They do that every time they cast a former contestant from the show. Gotta show everyone how they were dumped before but turned that positive into a negative, started working out so they could lose weight for when they reappear again. So Jillian gave us the song and dance that they all do. My favorite was revisiting the hot tub scene with Jason where she said “You’re the most remarkable person I’ve ever met.” Ouch. I’m guessing she wants to take that one back right about now. Especially considering odds are she’ll be saying the exact same thing again this season to another guy just six months removed from telling Jason. That’s what I love about this show. It’s so real. Ha ha.
-Then of course we got the obligatory shots of her moping around her hometown, daydreaming that someday, maybe she’ll be lucky enough to be named the “Bachelorette” and find her Prince Charming. Cue Host Chris from last seasons “ATFR 2” show. “Let’s meet our new Bachelorette, Jillian!” Weeeeeeeee!!!!! Now we get to see her working out in a bikini, driving around fancy cars, doing cartwheels on the beach, making stupid poses for the camera, and of course, channeling her inner Paris Hilton and washing a car in high heels and a short skirt. Outstanding. Why not just lay spread eagle on the car and eat a Carls Jr cheeseburger too? Sorry to say, but that was ridiculously cheesy. Same ol, same ol. No cheesier than watching the “Bachelors” jog shirtless, or having Brad Womack naked in the shower. I love it because there’s nothing whatsoever about Jillian that screams “LA” or “Hollywood”, yet that’s all they had her doing.
-Time for Host Chris to introduce us to a few of the guys who they did video packages on. And why did these guys to decide to come on the show? “Single men across the country were thrilled Jillian was available.” Really? So from March 2nd when she was announced as the “Bachelorette”, til the 25/26th when you started filming, all 30 of these guys just bum rushed the ABC studios with their demo tapes wanting to get on the show? Uh huh. Sure they did. Just a few to recap:
Michael, 25, from New York. He’s a break dance instructor. He showed us all his slick sidewalk moves that would make dude living in the 1980’s jealous. Congrats Michael on your talent. Although, “So You Think You Can Dance?” is a Fox show. I think your demo tape got sent to the wrong studio.
Stephen, 30, also from New York. He says he’s a catch because “I just got out of law school. I’m an attorney-at-law.” Wow. An attorney. Never had one of those on the show. And because you’re an attorney, that makes you a catch? Do you know the reputations that attorneys have? Just checking. I’m glad you think so highly of your personality, charm, sense of humor, and any other distinguished quality that, because you’re an attorney, that makes you a catch.
Wes is from Austin, Texas and likes to play the guitar. He’s a country music singer. Of course, I’m sure they’ll keep that on the down low all season. There’s no reason to believe that Wes Hayden, the aspiring country music star who has his own website at www.weshayden.com, would possibly be coming on the show to further music career. That would just be totally disingenuous and not becoming of this show. Uh huh.
Greg Bilbro is a complete douchenozzle from Arizona who’s a bodybuilding model. The good thing about bodybuilding models is none of them ever have a very high opinion of themselves. Always very grounded, modest, humble individuals. Like Greg for example. “On a scale of one to Bilbro, I’m Bilbro.” Wow. And he refers to himself in the 3rd person. I mean, I’m floored that this guy didn’t make a great first impression on Jillian. Just floored.
Jake is a pilot from San Diego came across as probably one of the nicer, more normal guys on the show. Which immediately means we can eliminate any chance he has of being the final one. “I am an absolute hopeless romantic.” Wrong show, sport. Try winning New York’s heart or maybe one of those bisexual twins VH1’s is peddling out there. Love and romance is the last thing this show is about.
-They bring out Jillian who looks cute in her white dress. Let me say this on Jillians behalf. At least she admits she’s not some knockout with an immensely high opinion of herself unlike certain Bachelorettes we’ve had in the past. Lets face it, she’s a cute girl, nothing more, with a bubbly personality and talks like a Canadian. Doesn’t come across as very diva-like, doesn’t seem to be too high maintenance (although she is a woman), and seems pretty simple. All this could change though over the course of six-to-eight weeks when she’s the focal point of a network television show. We’ll see. So far so good on her not getting too carried away with herself. I just don’t think there’s much of a “wow” factor with her. But hey, maybe that’s what this show needs. People are going to watch regardless of who the “Bachelor/ette” is because most people are watching for the contestants, and the fighting, and the dates, etc. If people were watching for a love story, they’ve would’ve quit watching years ago. And even though they essentially do the same thing every season, and say the same things over and over again, the audience is still there. I don’t know why, but they are.
-So 25 guys arrive in 5 limos and its time for them to complete cheese out with their first impressions. Here the few that made an impression on me based on something they said, or wore, or did, or whatever.
Kiptyn: First one out of the limo. He told Jillian he didn’t know much about her, “but the little bit I did get to know, I was impressed.” I googled you and saw your video in a hot tub with Jason. I like your hiney. I want to be on you.
Bryan: He picked her up and swept her off her feet. Considering she goes about 4 foot nothing, I feard that maybe Jillian was afraid of heights and might start crying. Tiny little girl she is.
Jake: Our resident pilot and hopeless romantic gave her a little pendant, or clip on set of wings. I don’t know. They didn’t really zoom in on it probably because it was lame. I think you can buy those at any airport gift shop for 99 cents.
Dave: Dave was speechless. Literally. Mid sentence the guy completely traded out and didn’t say a word for ten seconds because he didn’t know what to say. Either he’s a complete bumbling idiot who is afraid of women or he’s a genius who knew exactly what he was doing. Judging by events later on in the night, maybe he was smarter than we thought.
Robert: He’s this seasons bartender who makes a special drink for all his VIP people. He wants to make Jillian a drink inside. Sweet. Could be our first arrest in “Bachelorette” history when Robby is led away in cuffs after slipping a mickey in Jillians drink. Congrats Rob.
Sasha: Just on the name alone, I dislike the guy. Guys with that feminine of a name scare me. They’ve always got something up their sleeve. Take the Lakers Sasha Vujacic. As much of a Lakers fan as I am, there isn’t a player on the team more infuriating to watch than him.
Mathue: I get that parents want to be creative when naming their children. Seems like the hip thing to do now. But that’s just an awful spelling of the name “Matthew”. Really Mom and Dad? He’s a country music fan, and so is Jillian. Hey, maybe they both purchase a copy of Wes Hayden’s latest CD “Full Circle”, featuring the new single, “You Still Got Me”.
Simon: Apparently they felt it necessary to cast Matt Grants brother this season. Simon is from Brookshire, England and must be so excited to follow in Matts footsteps. The minute Simon starts calling Jillian his little monkey, we’ll know something is up.
Wes: I’m sure all the women are already in love with this guy, but I can officially tell you this guys attitude, cockiness, and demeanor makes me want to vomit. Good Lord this guy is stuck on himself. Without a doubt is making it far this season, but you can tell will be a guy that is talked about amongst the guys. Probably the #1 reason being that he’s there to further his career, which I’m sure he is.
Kyle: This graphic designer from New York wore tight fitting jeans with a Members Only jacket. Last time I checked, that wasn’t a winning combination.
-Can I point out one very annoying thing that a lot of the guys seemed to be saying? Maybe it was out of nervousness or whatever, but why did a lot of the guys feel the need to tell Jillian, “Well, I’m gonna head inside. I’ll see you when you get in there.” Of course you’re heading inside, there’s nowhere else to go. What are you gonna do, get back in the limo and take it for a cruise around town? No need to tell her you’re gonna head inside considering that’s where EVERYONE who exited the limo before you is now waiting. “See you inside, Jillian.” Really? I thought maybe you’d meet her over in Santa Monica later tonight for dinner. Come up with a new line guys. Pretty embarrassing.
-Inside is where the party begins. And where all the guys said they’d meet Jillian. One of the first guys to pull Jillian aside was Jesse. He and his family are in the wine business, or as he likes to call wine, “love juice”. Eeeesh. Never heard it called that before. I’ve heard “love juice” in reference to something else, and it certainly had nothing to do with wine. But hey Jesse, if that’s what you and your family consider a good time, then have at it. Love juice it is. Just make sure you wipe it off when you spill. Jesse also wanted to stand out so he decided to wear a t-shirt under his suit that said, “Aspiring Canadian”. Somewhat creative although entirely untrue. I can’t imagine there’s actually a single American living in the United States that would actually say, “You know what? I don’t like the freedom of the US. I think I’ll move to a much colder climate, start using the metric system, and hunt moose for a living. Life just sucks here in the states.” Jesse, you’re a traitor. All in the name of trying to win over some tail. Shame on you.
-Juan is an interesting cat. He’s a general contractor who works with his mother in Santa Monica. Born in Argentina, he moved here at an early age and seems to be running a successful business. I also noticed his eyes, nose, and mouth only covered about 1/10th of his whole face. So I guess that’s strike one against him for me. Strike two? The fact that he used the phrase, “I work hard and play hard.” Oh god. Is he trying to impress Jillian or filling out his Match.com profile? Work hard and play hard? Really? Couldn’t come up with something more original than that? I was honestly thinking of lighting the next person I heard say that on fire. But since I don’t know Juan, and my 55″ flatscreen TV is much too important to me, I guess I’ll hold off on it for now. Just don’t ever let me see you in person, Juan. Especially if I’m carrying around some kerosene and some matches.
-Time for Wes to show off. Just the fact that the guy came with the top button unbuttoned shirt, the jacket, and the jeans in cowboy boots really seemed like more a “dig me” approach since most other guys came dressed in suits. Man this guy bugs. I know Jeremy probably isn’t too happy I’m doggin on his boy, but I can’t help it. He just rubs me the wrong way. So apparently Wes has written a song for Jillian that he starts performing. Probably wrote it for Melissa but changed the lyrics around once he heard Jillian was the next Bachelorette. His first line of the song, “They say, they say that love don’t come easy.” Isn’t that the first line to every single country music song ever made? How is that original? I guess the longer Jillian keeps Wes around, the more he can continue to finish the lyrics to his song. Oh boy. This is gonna get real corny, real fast. If it hasn’t already. I think we even saw in the previews upcoming that in one scene, he’s under the balcony with the guitar, and she’s on top crying. Puke.
-Next up it was time for the Douchebag Showoff Challenge between Michael the Breakdancer and Greg the Bilbro Idiot. Michael is told by producers, errrrrrr, decides on his own that breakdancing for Jillian is a way to win her heart. So he breaks out his best “Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo” moves. Outstanding Michael. You look like quite the lady killer standing on your head while grabbing your ankles. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Of course, nobody is allowed to show up Greg the Bilbro Bodybuilder Model, so he decides to step in and give us his junk. Not impressed. And not to be outdone, Michael decides to turn this scene into something out of “You Got Served”. Oh snap! No he didn’t! The fact that we’re in 2009 and two guys were breakdancing for the right to win over Jillian was downright laughable to me. Why not just see who could get the highest score on Ms. Pac Man? Or who could put together the Rubik’s Cube the quickest? Embarrassing.
-Now it’s time to bring in the extra five Bachelors since they made such a big mistake on the original 25. Hmmmm, of the 25 they originally brought on the show, 16 of them got eliminated. But 4 of the 5 new guys got to stay past the first night. It’ll definitely be interesting to see how long Tanner P., Reid, Mike, and Ed last in this competition. Maybe these were your five late guys brought in “at the last minute” and given monetary incentive to do so. I would mention Bryce, but he got eliminated last night. Something tells me these four could be going a while in the game. That is, if Tanner P.s foot fetish doesn’t land him in fetish porn first. How do you even explain that to someone? The dude is in love with womens feet to the point where he’d consider it a dealbreaker if he didn’t like their feet. Huh? I know this is straight out of the movie “Boomerang”, but c’mon, how shallow can you get? I seriously can’t remember the last time where I was even that up close and personal with my date/girlfriend/love toy’s foot to even care enough to see how it looked. Yet this dweeb bases everything off it? I bet he was just about to kill someone when he was only allowed to look at Jillians feet while the other guy actually got to touch them. OMG! Does Tanner P. climax at the thought of touching a woman’s foot? If he does, I think its safe to say he’s the creepiest guy to ever appear on this show. The foot monster will be one to watch in the following weeks since you know he’ll be stalking out Jillians feet like a madman. I feel sorry for you dude, I really do.
-So Jillian decides to give Dave, the guy who almost wet himself out of the limo when he completely blanked on what to say to her for 10 minutes. Like I mentioned earlier, either he’s clueless what to do with a woman or he’s secretly a genius for using that maneuver to get the first impression rose. I mean, who couldn’t forget a guy who completely loses all train of thought after saying, “Hello, my name is Dave. Nice to meet you. You look very pretty. I, I, I, uhhhhh, errrrrrr, (10 seconds of silence), so yeah, anyways, I’ll see you inside.” Apparently Jillian isn’t too hard to impress. Michael was a breakdancing fool for her yanking his legs over head and serving up the goodies, yet it was Dave the mute who gets the rose? Go figure. Apparently when she compares all these guys to her last “boyfriend” Jason, they all look like Rico Suave.
-Rose ceremony time. Jillian is gonna be one of those with diarrhea of the mouth this season, I can tell. “Always hated this part, but now I understand. It was tough getting to know 25, and now its 30. It’s gonna be even harder than I thought. You’re such wonderful guys, and thank you for making this night so enjoyable. Especially you creepy foot fetish freak.”
Roses go to: Jake, Jesse, Wes, Mathue, Michael, Robert, Ed, Reid, Simon, Kiptyn, Mike, Brian D., Sasha, Julien, Tanner P., Mark, Brad, Tanner Fâ€¦
Host Chris: “Guys, Jillian, this is the final rose of the evening. Whenever you’re ready. It’s 5 in the morning, I’m dead tired, I need to go home and Twitter more nonsense and not respond to Reality Steve.”
-Final rose goes to Juan, the Santa Monica general contractor with the incredibly smallish facial features. A couple of our dudes are pretty bummed. Especially Greg the Dildo, errrr, Bilbro.
-So upcoming this season we see that, well, a lot of these dudes like to cry. Host Chris mentions in his blog today that with 30 guys this season, “the numbers are going to be a little different each week. This, oddly enough, really changed the show.” What he means by that is, not 100% sure on this yet, but it’s almost confirmed, is that we might actually have a final 5 that get hometown dates, and not 4. Which makes sense. If you’re gonna add 5 more guys, why not allow one more hometown date? The elimination looks like it could go like this: 30 down to 20, 20-16, 16-12, 12-9, 9-5, 5-3, 3-2, 2-1. Looks like that’s what Chris is talking about. He also mentioned in an interview this week that something happens during the season that’s never happened before. I’ve heard a couple things it could be, but, I’m pretty sure it’s someone decides to leave on his own accord. And they actually acknowledge it, unlike what they did with Graham when he asked to leave, but they made it seem like he was eliminated. Which, in turn, ended up changing the whole outcome of that season. But hey, that’s yesterdays news.
-So as promised, I told you once Jillians season started, due to the large response I got after mentioning it a couple months ago, I decided to start selling RealitySteve.com merchandise. It won’t be available to order until next week, but I figured I could give you a sneak peek at what we’ll have available. We have six womens shirts (3 different designs each coming in 2 different colors), two tank tops, and two pairs of shorts. In addition, we’ve done a military cap and a coffee mug. Next week, if all goes according to plan, you will see these items modeled on this site by two former “Bachelor” contestants (one from Lorenzo’s season and one from Brad’s season), along with being able to place your orders. But since I promised everything would be ready to go by the start of Jillians season, and we’re not quite there yet, the least I could do is let you see some of the designs. Final pricing and everything else you need will be ready to go next week. Here’s a sample of what we’ll have:
All your feedback is welcome either in the comments section or email me at email@example.com. I’ll be back Friday with a “Reality Roundup” column on all the finales occurring this week, plus an update on what the plan is for the merchandise store. As always, any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, queries, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. See you Friday.