-For those who have ordered RealitySteve.com merchandise, your products will be shipping out this week. We’ve since changed our shipping schedule around so you will not have to wait as long in the future. If you haven’t ordered anything, check out the store at:
We’ve gotten a few more former contestants on board with the merchandise that you will be seeing very soon. That’s assuming they decide to send in pics that are “tastefully done”. You never know. Otherwise, the response has been great. We will soon have a store link that’ll take you directly to the store rather than having to search for the web address link. Also, there will be some specials coming up, so stay tuned for that. It will be announced in this column, on Twitter, and on Facebook, so I’m sure you won’t miss it. If you haven’t added me as a friend on Facebook or started following on Twitter, just scroll down the right hand column under “My Stuff” and join. It’s free! And it doesn’t hurt either. If you haven’t started following on Twitter, you should. Some good stuff going on. Especially this past weekend. I just found out I’m part of the “Twitter clique” that is mean to other people. Wow. This is just like high school. I loved high school.
-In addition, HUGE news regarding the site that I’ll have for you tomorrow. It’s been a while, but, we have not one, but two, interviews lined up for all of you that I know you’ll enjoy. I will have more information tomorrow since I’m working out the final few details on both right now, but if/when this goes through, these are going to be two interviews you don’t want to miss. Check back tomorrow for details.
-For the first time ever, I’m going to preface this column by saying this: SPOILERS AHEAD! They’re coming. If you don’t want to know, don’t continue to read. Having said that, I’m guessing 99% of you will continue to read on. Which only proves that as much as you don’t want to know, you actually do want to know. Hey, just wanted to give the heads up since I will be addressing some things in this column that I haven’t yet this season.
-I’m gonna do this column a little backwards today, and start with the Ed situation first. In case you haven’t checked the site since last Tuesday evening, I posed a question and possible scenarios as to some of the things we’ve yet to see on the show. That is because we’ve heard since the beginning of the season that something happened during Jillians filming which had never happened before in the shows history, and was something very emotional. Well, as we saw, that happened last night. Ed went home. Sort of. I posed six possible scenarios last Tuesday night here on the blog about what we haven’t seen in the shows history. They were:
1) One bachelors exit causes another to question why heâ€™s there
2) Jillian asks a bachelor to leave, only to have a change of heart later to ask him back
3) A bachelor leaves the show due to a personal/family/work related crisis and never returns
4) A bachelor leaves the show due to personal/family/work related reasons only to return at a later date
5) A bachelor leaves the show only to be replaced by another bachelor at a later date
6) A former bachelor returns which causes a current bachelor to leave
Well, there was a reason I posted this. Because the answer is #4. Why didn’t I just tell you what the answer was, or tell you that Ed comes back later this season? Well, just because I knew, didn’t mean I had to tell. People seem to think I’m making stuff up this season just to draw attention to the site. Couldn’t be further from the truth. If I was, I would’ve revealed this sooner. I mean, yeah, its kind of big deal that Ed leaves and returns later this season, but is it bigger than the scandal last season? Of course not. What we’re dealing with here is more manipulation though. However, Ed leaving and coming back has nothing to do with work. Once again, this is all part of the script. Sorry if I just spoiled it for you, but if you couldn’t tell after watching that debacle last night that Ed returns, you should be ashamed.
-You mean to tell me that all the other guys there aren’t allowed internet, TV, or phone access while on the show, and aren’t allowed to converse with family members, yet Ed Swiderski’s company is allowed to call him and give him sh** for being on the show? Sure they were. Then to see Ed with the “I wanna keep this rose” line, I mean c’mon. It’s like they’re not even hiding it this season. Complete foreshadowing that he’s returning. I’m here to tell you that basically Ed was told, “Look, you’re gonna leave the show and we’re gonna bring you back.” That’s what happened. This has nothing to do with Ed’s work, that was just the on-air reason they gave. And a poor one at that. Every bachelor that goes on this show has to potentially leave their job for six weeks to go film, so you’re telling me after 17 seasons of this show, this is the first guy who’s career was in jeopardy? Of course not. Just a horrible storyline/excuse for them to come up with.
-If Ed is going to use the “I could lose my job if I stay here” line as his reason for leaving, well, when he comes back in a couple weeks, what will be his reason then? I’m sure it’ll be, “Hey, everything’s cool at work. They said I could come back and fight for the woman I love.” Barf. This is honestly one of the worst scripted storylines this show has ever come up with, and they’ve had some pretty bad ones. For whatever reason, Ed was the guy they chose to have the drama with this season. “We’ll have you leave for work related issues, then bring you back later on in the season as the big surprise/shocker/BS ending.” Unbelievable. Like anyone who watched that last night actually thinks Ed is gone for good.
-Another reason you’ll able to tell Ed comes back? When ABC does their conference call this week with one of the eliminated bachelors, my guess is Ed Swiderski will not be the guy the media is allowed to talk to. Which makes no sense since they always give the media access to the eliminated bachelor who was the most important. Well, no offense Mark, but no one gives a rats ass you went home last night, so no one wants to talk to you. They either won’t have a conference call this week, or if they do throw Ed on there, his answers will be so vague and canned, he won’t say anything. I just can’t believe they used that as his reason for leaving. And did you hear his explanation to Jillian when he finally decided to leave? “I talked with some people, and I’m being unfair. I have to leave.” Great explanation. They couldn’t write something better for him than that? That was about as piss poor as you can get.
-I’ve presented what I can about this Ed situation. Will Ed, ABC, Chris Harrison, or the powers that be ever admit that Ed leaving and coming back was all their doing? Of course not. But I think I’ve established myself as pretty credible regarding what goes on in this show to know that this is a storyline set in motion by show, and has nothing to do with an emergency at Ed’s work. Please. Do I know everything that happens on this show? No. Never claimed to. But I know a lot. Once again, I will leave it up to you. Knowing what this show is capable of, knowing the BS they pulled last season, and seeing what you saw last night, honestly ask yourself that once Ed returns, if you really think it really had to do with work. I’m here to tell you, it didn’t. Can I prove it? No. And they’ll never admit to it of course. However, I think the track record of this show and the fact that yet again, they’ve managed to do something 17 seasons in that they’ve never had before, which is some guy’s work now is allowed to call him during filming and say, “Hey, what are you doin’ man? We need ya back at work, pal”. If you believe that, then I have some land to sell you off the coast of Bullsh** Island. So to everyone asking me, “Do you think Ed comes back”, my answer is “Do I THINK he comes back? I KNOW he comes back, and this is all part of their storyline.” That’s why I wrote what I did last Tuesday night because I wanted to plant it in peoples heads before they saw it. And since I suck at giving clues, I just presented it a little bit differently this time around.
-As for Chris Harrison’s blog today, I mean, what did you expect? Of course he’s going to deny the story about guys getting paid to come on the show, even thought its something I never said. I said I know of two guys that turned down money to come on this season. Whether or not ABC chose to go after these guys and throw money at them after getting rejected, I didn’t know. One could logically assume they did, but I’m here to tell you I don’t know for sure. And its not like paying a guy to come on the show with guarantees of final four or final three is as hard to pull off as Chris made it seem. Well if Jillian is in constant talks with producers about who she likes and they’re giving input as well, you’re telling me they couldn’t nudge her in the right direction? Please. But hey, what do I know? I don’t expect Chris Harrison to ever admit to that anyway. Why? Uhhhh, because he’d be out of a job if he did. And just like Ed, you know, tough to find a job in this economy, so you really gotta weigh your priorities. Nothin’ but love for ya Chris, but I fully expected him to respond the way he did today. He has to. If past contestants are under lock and key to never give away show secrets, it’s fairly reasonable to assume the host isn’t either. Understandable. I do love his ever-so-subtle jabs at me in his column though. Good stuff. Keep it comin’. And I love the picture they use for Chris’ blog. The caption should read: “Ok kiddos, gather round. Uncle Chris is gonna tell you aaaaaaallllll a story of how the ugly duckling Jillian is on a journey to find her prince. Ready? Ok, here we go!” So excited in the picture Chris. Down boy.
-Unfortunately, even though Chris Harrison was in Whistler with everyone, he got to take the day off and wasn’t the one presenting the kiddies with their date cards. It was Jillian who told the ten remaining guys there’ll be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. So disappointed that Chris couldn’t find the time in his day to do this. Maybe he was out skiing. Or having lunch with the fam. Whatever the case, he should be docked a little pay for not starting the show off for us like he has for the last three weeks in his shirts from Nordstroms. Michael gets the first 1-on-1 date and, predictably, starts over acting again. Tells all the rest of the boys to just go home now, says he loves Whistler, and that he’s ready to finally get some alone time with Jillian. He also seems to be wearing the striped hoodie that Jillian had on earlier this season. Or was it Chris who wore it? Whatever the case, people are now sharing clothes this season and its creeping me out.
-Michael is giddy. Michael: “I kinda like her the most out of all the guys right now. I could sit in a room and eat spaghetti with her and have fun.” Ummm, I couldn’t. I think I’d be more impressed by what the spaghetti had to say than her, but hey, just one mans opinion. I’m not here to rain on Michaels parade since he’s so excited a girl is paying attention to him now. Like, she’s letting him hug her as they go ziplining. Which by the way, I’ve never done and always wanted to, unless it’s with Jillian. Why? Did you hear that constant awful piercing scream she’d made every single time she was on that thing? Shutup already. You’d think maybe the first time she went it’d be acceptable. Possibly the second time. But by the fifth time, I’m guessing itâ€™s a little less scary. The sound she made didn’t even sound human. I couldn’t replicate it if I tried. Man that was annoying. Of course, Michael ate it up. According to him, zipling is a lot like love. Oh geez, here we go. “You gotta commit to it, put yourself out there, and go.” Fascinating Michael. I’m guessing you are the first person alive that was able to compare ziplining to love. The only way I can compare the two is that sometimes in both, your nuts hurt. Ta-da.
-When Michael got to do the tandem zipline with Jillian, I thought he was gonna rip through his pants. They are in the spooning position as they head down the zip line and Michael says “We should try this in the bedroom later tonight.” Ooohhhh, how kinky that Michael is. Such a master wordsmith. You know what I think he should’ve gone with? “Whaddya’ say I put my penis in your vagina.” Essentially that’s what he was begging her for, so why not be a little more open about it? I hear that line works great with the ladies. Anyway, once these two are done zipping, and Michael zips up his pants, they head to a restaurant for dinner, one that Chris Harrison highly recommended in his blog today. Hey, you want your restaurant plugged, you hook a brotha’ up with a free meal. Host Chris is now pimping for the “Bearfoot Bistro”. I’m just curious if they comped his whole meal, or just gave him a discount? What I wouldn’t do to be in Chris Harrison’s shoes. He’s the greatest. Our next Dick Clark. Or Ryan Seacrest.
-Over dinner, Jillian has already had enough of Michael’s goofy, fun, over-thte-top playful side. She needs to find out if this guy can get down in the bedroom and if she has any sexual chemistry with the dweeb whatsoever. She asks him if he’s ready to settle down. His answer: “I’m the most cheesy ass, helpless romantic, fall-in-love-if-a-girl-kisses-me-on-the-mouth type of guy.” You don’t say? I never would’ve thought that about you. Why? Because you don’t act at all like a 5th grader around anything with boobs and a meat cave. And it’s “hopeless romantic” you twit, not helpless. Here’s what I will say about Michael though, and I’m being dead honest. Is he corny? Yes. Is he totally cheesy and over-the-top? Of course. Does he come across as more of a buddy than a boyfriend? Without a doubt. But you know what? I actually like this guy. At least he brings something different to the table. All the other guys are scrambling to find the perfect things to say all the time and are so boring, whereas this guy just acts like a complete dork and knows it. I respect that. So yes, I’ve done a complete 180 on the guy since last week. Will she choose him in the end? Not a chance in hell. But at least he keeps me interested and he’s not so robotic like every other guy in the house.
-So Michael turns the table on Jillian and asks her about the experience and what she wants out of life. “I don’t need to be a trophy wife.” Ha ha. That’s funny Jillian. I thought you just said you don’t need to be a trophy wife. Oh, you did? Well I think I can speak for all of America when I say this, but the last thing anyone thinks when they see you is “trophy wife”. Unless it was a trophy for finishing in 10th place at your Science Fair. But hey, thanks for clearing that up for us. We were all curious. In addition, you can’t be considered a trophy wife with the body of a 15 year old boy and the voice of Wolfman Jack. Now, the tough questions begin. Jillian: “Why did you really sign up for this?” Michael: “Well, I broke up with my girlfriend 8 months ago and I actually haven’t been on a date since.” That was about as surprising as the sun rising this morning. Michael, I’d just quit while you’re ahead and stop making references to falling in love with the first girl who kisses you and not dating for almost a year. Probably isn’t getting you laid. How do I know this? Jillian ended the night with a toast. “To a good date. A lot of fun. Never a lack of conversation with you.” Geez, why not just announce “I’m throwing you in the friend zone.” It’s never a good thing when you’re still on the show five episodes in and you haven’t been kissed yet. Or ever for that matter.
-Group date is up next with Robby, Reid, Wes, Kiptyn, Jake, Tanner, Mark, and Ed. They all just went snowmobiling around for sh**ts and giggles when essentially this group date basically became all about Inspector Jillian trying to crack the case of “The Guy with the Girlfriend”. Seriously. Every guy she pulled aside turned into an interrogation. Lets just say no one will ever mistake her for Sherlock Holmes anytime soon. Robby was up first and apologized for being a whining bitch at the last rose ceremony because he couldn’t get alone time with her after she melted down on everyone. I thought the funny thing was when Robby was talking to her, all the guys were huddling around ripping the guy saying he had no chance to stick around that much longer. Geez, when did Robby become everyone’s whipping boy? It was a game of smear the queer and Robby was, well, the queer. Apparently they think he’s too young and inexperienced to be with someone as polished as Jillian. Psssht. Don’t listen to em’ Wobby. Just because you’re younger and a bartender doesn’t mean for a second you’re not in Jillians league. Because every woman about to be 30 wants to settle down with a guy who pours Purple Hooter shots all night and reeks of stale beer rags. Don’t you forget that.
-Tanner butts in on Jillian and Robby to steal her away for a minute and really tell her nothing. Tanner is the Informant. Basically being kept around by Jillian so he can do all her spying for her. Jillian wants him to tell her who he thinks, or who he knows, has a girlfriend. “You said you’d tell me.” Well, since Tanner feels like a snitch now, he backs down and says, “Just keep your eyes open” to her, then tells the camera again, “I still think Wes is the guy she has to worry about.” So in the beginning of the season, Tanner and Michael had a love affair with each other that was unmatched in Bachelor history. Seems to me that Tanner has moved on and is now obsessed with Wes. Not in the I-want-to-pitch-a-tent-a-cuddle-with-you-the-outback obsessed, but more along the lines of, “My whole goal is to bring you down” obsessed. Tanner is a strange one, there’s no doubt.
-Wes is up next, and outside of the Ed debacle, Wes’ story seems to getting ramped up every week. Wes: “I’m the one with a CD coming out. My sister signed me up for this. I was working on the CD long before I decided to do this.” Yeah, I’m sure that sat well with the anti-Wes group. So did this line that he told the camera: “No doubt this will help with publicity but I don’t want her to think that’s why I’m here.” She might not think it, but everyone else sure does. Here’s the bottom line I’ve come to with Wes. I don’t care. If he came on the show to promote his career, fine. It doesn’t affect my life in any way, shape, or form. And it shouldn’t yours either. People that get so bothered he’s there for the wrong reasons it’s like, “Huh? And?” Why does it concern you so much? Here’s something that’ll ease your mind. Wes is not the final one. Or final two. Or final three. He gets a hometown date and then she dumps him. So there. Quit your worrying about how Jillian is being misled by him and his intentions aren’t pure. Are anyone’s on this show? Well, outside of Michael who’s looking for his first date since 8th grade any way he can get it.
-Time for Jillian/Kiptyn time which = awkward kissing. First off, Jillian tells him to “feel her butt, it’s wet.” Yeah, it’s wet and you’re completely sloshed. My god. Is this woman drunk 90% of the time? Her eyes were so glazed over and she gave the Dave its-taking-me-ten-seconds-to-blink look to Kiptyn on a couple of occasions. Jillian: “I like you. You like me.” Yep, she’s hammered. She constantly talks about how cute he is, yet these two never talk about anything worth a damn. All they do is try and kiss each other without looking like complete tards’. And they fail miserably every time. Am I the only one seeing this, or are these two completely incompatible when kissing? Boy its uncomfortable watching them. Its like the other one is waiting for the other to do something that never happens. If that made any sense whatsoever.
-Reid now has time to mount Jillian. Jill: “Reid and I have gotten off to a great physical start, but a slower emotional start.” They have? I think I barely remember them kissing once. Whatever the case, Jillian is three sheets to the wind yet again. Hell, I think Reid is too after this comment. “You’re cool. And you smell good. Like snow and flowers.” Uhhhhh, ok. Nice one. Because we all know what a breath taking combination snow and flowers can be. What an aphrodisiac. Bath and Body Works should bottle that stuff up and sell it. I’m sure it’ll outperform Sweet Pea, Cucumber Melon, and Vanilla Bean. I don’t even know what to make of these two. We haven’t seen much 1-on-1 time with either of them, yet everyone seems to like Reid. I’ve got no problem with him. I just don’t think his editing is doing him any favors.
-Next up was Jillian dancing on a bar, hammered out of her mind yet again, while jumping into Ed’s arms. This is where they went off and he first brought up that work called. Uh huh. Sure they did. So when Ed returns to the show while they’re in Spain, since he already left because of work, was that on his own dime? Of course it wasn’t. So if ABC agreed to let him come back (how its presented on the show), how are we supposed to believe it all came about? There are so many things wrong with the whole scenario, like I said earlier, it’s almost like they’re not even hiding it. Put it this way, when Ed does return, and NO ONE is surprised, it obviously means they didn’t do a good enough job into us thinking he was gone for good. I don’t know how Chris Harrison is going to spin that one, but it should be interesting. As for Jillian, I will say this, she didn’t know about Ed leaving, and she sure as hell isn’t going to know about him returning. They kept her in the dark on that one. All of this is a surprise to her. Just not to anyone else with half a brain.
-I honestly don’t really care to recap Jillian and Jesse’s 1-on-1. He got a rose. There. That’s all you need to know. Just a bunch of hyperbole of how great everything is, how great life is, blah blah blah. Nothing new here. Really. When you really break it down, anyone who goes on a 1-on-1 date and gets a rose, pretty much they’re all the same. Full of compliments, a lot of smiling and giggling, and awkward kissing (well, at least in Jillians season). So they took a plane, landed on a glacier, and made snow angels. The End. And Jesse told her he’d remember her for the rest of his life. Gee, I would hope so. Kinda hard to forget someone you went on national television with in your 20’s looking to find your wife. The biggest head scratcher of their date was Jesse telling us how much he loves Jillians voice. WHAT???!!!! “I can listen to her all night.” Well, you deserve a medal then because I don’t know anyone else who can. Hell, even Jillian can’t stand her voice. “Who thinks my voice is soothing? It’s like nails on a chalkboard. Sounds like I’ve been drinking whiskey since I was a kid.” Preachin’ to the choir, sweetie. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
-There is no cocktail party tonight. Jillian is still down in the dumps that Eddie left to go back to work. So during her sit down with Chris, she tells him what happened. “Ed had to leave today.” And by God, if Chris Harrison didn’t pull the greatest acting job ever. “He did? I’m so sorry.” HUH??? Chris, in your blog today you admitted you were in Whistler the whole time with everyone. You actually expect us to believe that until you sat down next to her, you had no idea Ed had left? Please. You probably drove the guy to the airport, dropped him off, and gave him a, “See you in Spain” farewell. Unbelievable. You wonder why I criticize this show. You wonder why I make fun of this show. That scene right there. Last season, Chris talked so much about he’s involved with the day to day action of the show and there’s just no way that if Jason was in on this all together, more people would’ve known about it. Yet, this season, he’s now telling us as the host of the show that he had no clue somebody left to go home? Something that’s never happened before in show history? I think you get my point. Hey Chris, the US sent a man to the moon back in the 60’s. And oh yeah, Barack Obama is our President. Just wanted to fill you in.
-Time for the rose ceremony. Michael and Jesse are safe. Jillian: “Had an incredible week. Best dates I’ve had, but also the best days I’ve had. It was hard to watch Ed leave, but I’m moving on since I’ve got a remarkable group of guys in front of me. And Mark.”
Reid: A lot of people think he looks like Matthew Perry. Eh, kind of. There’s still someone he resembles more that I can’t put my finger on.
Kiptyn: He can’t kiss and he has big ears. Will make for great Bachelor next season. Supposedly. Don’t believe everything you hear quite yet.
Robby: Enjoy your stay my friend.
Jake: Man, we haven’t seen sh** from this guy since his 1-on-1. Never a good sign.
Tanner: The Informant gets another week to search for clues.
“Gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready. Tough call here Jillian. Wes or Mark. I don’t envy you. We’re all waiting in suspense. I’ll be over here behind the wall on this new thing they call a computer. Cool stuff.”
Wes: Man, at least they could’ve made the final two Mark and Tanner. Like anyone in their right mind thought Mark was staying over Wes? Hell, even Chris gave us a little nugget today that Jillian wanted to dump Mark last week. Poor guy. Been cheated on four times and now this. He’s probably going to go drown himself in marinara sauce.
-Ok, lets address the thing a lot of you are curious about, which is the preview clip of Chris saying, “Later on this season, it’s every guys worst nightmare. Someone experiences problems in the bedroom.” Look, I honestly don’t know what that’s about. But lets be real here for a second. This is a show that for 17 seasons, has never once addressed the issue of what happens on the overnight dates when the doors close. And we all remember Jillian freaking out to that question before the season started when someone asked her if she slept with Jason. With the editing job this show has done season in and season out, do you honestly think that they are alluding to one of these guys not being able to get it up in the fantasy suite? I mean, really? You really think that? I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what it is for sure, but I can tell you what they aren’t talking about, and that’s some guy and Jillian not being able to have sex in the fantasy suite. Please people. Let’s actually think this stuff through. This is nothing more than a classic ABC tease. Of course they want you to think that, and judging by most of your reactions, you bought it hook, line, and sinker. Well, you’re going to be disappointed. I’m 99.9% sure that is not what they’re talking about. Probably something stupid like, he’s never spent the night with a woman, or he’s a virgin, or something lame. They purposely never answer the “sex” question when it comes to the overnight date. Now we’re expected to believe not only do they talk about it, but they go into detail? Uh huh. Calm down everyone. I can’t believe you fell for that.
So that’s all for this week. Back tomorrow with news regarding our next interviews upcoming. Trust me, you are not going to want to miss these. I think a lot of you readers will be getting the things you want to hear in these interviews. These women have a lot to say. One moreso than the other because, well, she can. Back tomorrow with more. Any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.