It’s been a while, I know. Just decided to take some time off for no other reason than I felt like it. Not many summer shows I was watching anyway, and nothing really happening on the “Bachelor” front considering the season doesn’t start until Jan. 4th and they haven’t even begun taping yet, so I didn’t think there was much to write about. Now that we’re back in the swing of things, seems like a good time to start writing again. No idea how often, but I did have some things to get off my chest regarding numerous topics, so here we go.
-Shocking that people have been beating down my door ever since it was announced that on the live results show of “Dancing with the Stars” on Oct. 13th, ABC will announce who the next bachelor is. Sure, the rumors have been flying around ever since Jillian’s season, but that’s all they’ve been. Rumors. The only people who know for sure who it will be are Chris Harrison, Mike Fleiss, and the powers that be at ABC and Next Entertainment. Anyone else who tells you they know for sure is lying. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you I know for sure who it’s going to be. But I will tell you what all indications are pointing to and that I’d be surprised if it wasn’t this person.
-Before we get to that, lets discuss the candidates. Reid, Kiptyn, and Jake are the three guys from last season being considered, as well as people from the outside. I can almost guarantee you right here that it will NOT be someone from the outside. I do believe they are going the recycled route. Which makes sense, and I have no problem with that. You have to understand it from ABC’s perspective. Regardless of if its Reid, Kiptyn, or Jake, each one of them already has a built in audience. Just because you might hate Reid, doesn’t mean tons of women wouldn’t want to see him as the “Bachelor”. Same goes for the other two. Each of them brings their own positives and negatives to the table. So regardless of who they choose, as in any season when they bring in a recycled person, there will be fans, and there will be haters. Simple as that.
-From the numerous sources I’ve been in contact with and regardless of what some bogus website put out three months ago, I don’t believe Kiptyn is the guy. All indications are the guy doesn’t want to do it. His reasons? Hell if I know, but I just don’t think he’s into it. Which leaves Reid vs Jake. I said months ago (I believe on Twitter), that there was no chance Jake would be the next Bachelor. That was strict personal opinion probably because I thought the guy was way too cheesy and too corny to carry a show. Well, looks like I was wrong. All indications are that Jake is all set to be the next Bachelor. Could I be wrong? Sure. But would I be surprised if he’s not the next Bachelor? Yes, I would be. Does Jake know he’s the next Bachelor? Possibly. I honestly think ABC keeps these guys in limbo so that it doesn’t officially get out. So sure, until ABC officially announces it, they have the right to change their mind up until the last second. But I believe come October 13th, we’ll be seeing Jake Pavelka announced as our next Bachelor. I’ve been wrong before, and I’m sure I’ll be wrong in the future, but I’d be surprised if it wasn’t him after everything I’ve heard.
-Look, I honestly don’t care who they cast as the “Bachelor”. I have no vested interest in the show other than writing and making fun of it. And honestly, of those three guys, I think Jake gives me the most material to work with. The sole reason why I personally didn’t think he’d be the next bachelor (too cheesy and corny), are probably two of the reason why he will be. The guy is a lay down. Look, he told Wes to his face (and you heard it in the Wes interview), that he was on the show because “he wanted America to fall in love with him so he could be the next bachelor”. So he will do anything those producers tell him to do, and I just don’t think Kiptyn and Reid were willing to go that route. Jake will be putty in ABC’s hands. The guy wants it so bad that he’s willing do whatever they tell him. Don’t fall for the, “Oh gosh golly darn gee” routine that he layed on thick last season. The guy had a plan from the get go, and it looks like it’s gonna pan out for him. Good. Can’t wait to have millions of laughs at his expense.
-On a final note, Chris Harrison tweeted over the weekend that he was here in Dallas (hmmm, maybe a couple pre-show pep talks with Jake?) and attended some event at Stonebriar Country Club. Huh? What? My boy Harrison was in town and didn’t bother to hit me up? Especially since he was at the club I eat lunch at least two or three times a week? I’m disappointed in you Chris. I could’ve showed you around. Oh well. Maybe next time. You hurt my feelings. How dare you walk the grounds at Stonebriar and not tell me about it. I’m a two minute car ride from there.
-As for the rumored “Bachelor: All Stars” show, I’ll believe that when I see it. No one has yet to report what exactly this show is. Is it going to be just like the show, only with ALL recycled contestants? Is it going to be like “Big Brother” where it’s just a bunch of former contestants living in a house for a month and we get to see the drama? Or is it going to be like “RW/RR Challenge” type stuff with all former contestants? The fact that nobody has reported what kind of show this is going to be makes me think it’s not going to happen. I’ve always thought that a “RW/RR Challenge” type show with all former “Bachelor/ette” contestants could be interesting since half of them have already hooked up with each other. Throw about 20 of them in a house and I guarantee they’ll be sex, lying, and cat fights. That could be interesting. But hey, whoever is putting the show together, you have to make sure Jesse Csincsak is a part of it. He might throw a hissy fit if he’s not.
Dancing With the Stars
-A lot of little things hit on regarding this season. Really no need to sit and dissect every single couple and how they’ve done so far. The three couples eliminated already I have no problem with. Kathy Ireland just wasn’t very good. Same with Ashley Hamilton. And Macy Gray just didn’t seem like she wanted to be there. Good riddance you three. See you at the finale. Some other thoughts to ponder while watching the show:
-So how long before Derek and Joanna are hittin it, if they aren’t already? With Shannon Elizabeth no longer in the picture, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. Sex seems to run rampant on this show. Speaking of thatâ€¦.
-Real shocking to hear Maksim and Karina broke off their engagement. Not. Gee, she dates Mario Lopez, they break up, and six months later her and Maksim are engaged? Didn’t I say back then they’ll never walk down the aisle? Maksim and Karina should probably be put in as many duets as possible on the results show this season just so we can deal with the awkwardness.
-And I’m sure Maksim constantly kissing and rubbing Debi Mazar is done on purpose to piss Karina off. By far, Maksim is the most touchy feely of all the male dancers. Which I find odd this season since he’s dancing with a tranny who has an awful lisp. God, I’d be telling her to shut up all the time too.
-On the other side, reporters are already asking Aaron Carter if he’s gonna start getting in Karina’s pants since she has a penchant for spreading her legs for her dancers. He’s says no, but not because he doesn’t think she’s hot. It’s because he wants to see Chelsie Hightower naked. He’s already openly admitted he wants her and has made it known to her already. They’ll be dating before the end of this season. Guaranteed.
-Aaron went on an LA radio show on Monday and guaranteed he and Karina will win. Also says Donnie Osmond and Mya will be in the finals with them. Uhhhh, ok Aaron. Whatever you say. You’re a douche and considering the audience ultimately has the final say in who wins this thing, since by the end of the season, all the scores are within a couple points of each other, you’re probably not winning over too many fans with that statement. Stick to hitting on Chelsie and keep the predictions to yourself.
-How come Carrie Ann and Len are able to give their comments while sitting down, yet Bruno is constantly standing up, pointing, gyrating, and screaming his critiques? Oh yeah. Forgot. He’s a nutball. After nine seasons though, I still haven’t decided if I find him wildly entertaining, or a complete nuisance. I guess each show that has a judging panel needs the eccentric whack job in there.
-Since I’m not a professional dancer, I guess this is why I don’t understand this. But you know what I find most amazing about the female dancers? It’s how they perform a whole routine with spins, jumps, twists, twirls, turns, and runs and they do it all in heels. I thought it was painful to just walk in heels, let alone dance in them. So kudos to all female professional dancers. As for the guys, they only get credit for dancing in tight pants that cut off circulation to their boys.
-Russell is TV gold. Coming off a season with a guy like Coach, you needed a character that everyone will be talking about long after the season ends. Well, we sure got one with Russell. What a piece of work this guy is. For those that don’t know, both seasons 19 and 20 were filmed back-to-back over the summer in Samoa. Season 20 which will begin airing in February, is a “Heroes vs Villains” concept with all former contestants. Russell basically stayed behind and filmed that season as well, so get used to seeing him on your television. The cast for “Heroes vs Villains” hasn’t been released yet, but I’m guessing it probably won’t be too hard to figure out some of the people who will be on it. I’m sure Coach, Tyson, and Sierra from “Tocantins” will be on it. Ace, Sugar, Corinne, and Randy from “Gabon”. Depends how far they are going back. Maybe they’ll go the James, Parvati, Ozzy, Amanda route again. Not sure. It’ll get out soon enough since the season is already done filming.
-Yes, it’s only been one episode, but already this season in infinitely more interesting than the last three combined and that’s all because of Kristin Cavallari. Sure, most of you probably liked Lauren and hell of a lot more, but lets face it. Her life on the show was boring. Nothing ever happened with her, yet she pocketed over $100k an episode. Must be nice. Anyway, the reason I like Kristin back on the show so much? Because she doesn’t care about throwing the show under the bus and admitting it’s all fake. Here, read this and tell me if you actually think that any one millisecond on that show is what really happens in these peoples lives.
Awesome. She’s already my favorite person on the cast, and it has nothing to do with her being hot now. Never really cared for her on “Laguna Beach”, but I must say, she’s looking a lot better these days. Call her a man whore, call her a piranha, call her a skank, whatever. She’s acting for the show. She does what they tell her to do. Kinda like Jake will this season. So I don’t put much stock into her character on the show. Where can I buy my “Team Kristin” shirt.
-I thought Spencer legally changed his name to King Spencer? Why isn’t anyone on the show referring to him as such? Oh that’s right, because he’s a full on douchenozzle. Anything that Spencer and Heidi do for attention we should all just laugh at. It’s funny how all the tabloids make fun of them and constantly mention how annoying and unimportant they are, yet they sit there and cover their every move. Kind of hypocritical if you ask me. Just let anything they say or do go in one ear and out the other, and eventually they’ll go away.
-When we get the episodes this season of Holly Montag hitting the bottle, there better be an intervention episode that includes Sanjaya. I need that guy to come to the rescue for his “friend” Holly. The more Sanjaya the better. Did I just say that?
-So Audrina is gonna leave the “Hills” for her own reality show produced by Mark Burnett? Why do I have a feeling that’ll never hit the air? I’m still in utter amazement that a genius like Burnett would associate himself with a dingbat like her. What possibly could be interesting in Audrina’s life to have cameras following her around every day? Unless they’re going to show her failing on audition calls and her late night booty calls with some L.A. bad boy, then I don’t want to see it.
Other Random Tidbits
-For some reason, music has been on my mind a lot recently. Usually when I’m in my car, I’m listening to sports talk radio, but recently there have been a few music issues that I must address. First off, Boyz II Men has released a cover of Journey’s “Open Arms”. As some of you may know since I’ve mentioned it in the past, it’s by far my favorite slow song of all time. And surprisingly enough, Boyz II Men didn’t butcher it. Of course, it’s not the original, but it’s also not half bad either. Who would’ve thought the guys dancing in sweater vests to “Motown Philly” would still be relevant 20 years later?
-You know that one song every time it comes on the radio, you find it stuck in your head the rest of the day? Almost to the point of where if it doesn’t leave your head, you feel like taking a hammer to your skull to knock it out of there? I’ve come across that song recently. It’s Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA”. Holy crap. I fall asleep now with “And the Britney song was on, and the Britney song was on, Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaâ€¦it’s a party in the USA” running through my head. Someone please stop it now.
-Granted, what Kanye did to Taylor Swift at the VMA’s was totally uncalled for, but geez, that’s like the 10th most annoying thing he’s done in his career. That whole ordeal was completely overblown. Look people, it’s not like she won an Oscar for Best Actress in a Drama in her first nomination ever. It was a stupid, media created awards show that’s done all for fun. I mean, c’mon. Was she really backstage crying and so upset because someone upstaged her VMA award? Please. Kanye’s an egotistical ass, and always will be. Let’s not act like the guy flashed his junk to all of America. He grabbed the mic and said Beyonce makes great videos during a stupid, 3rd rate awards show. Lets calm down. It’s ok Taylor. Go back to making teenie bopper love songs and win one next year. “Marry me Juliet, you’ll never have to be aloneâ€¦”
-Maybe because I’m a guy I’m not supposed to understand this, but what is the worlds fascination with vampire stories now? The whole “Twilight” thing, then “True Blood” on HBO, now the “Vampire Diaries” on the CW. This is a chick thing, right? No guys are invested in this crap are they? This is strictly for hopeless romantics that like ogling over that pale, underweight, looks-like-he-hasn’t-slept-in-a-week Robert Pattinson, right? I just don’t get it. No, I haven’t read any of the “Twilight” books, nor watched five seconds of “True Blood” or “Vampire Diaries”. And I don’t plan to. It just seems like Hollywood is bleeding this vampire craze dry right now. Maybe that’s a good thing since it’ll get old real fast. Just assure me that, as a male, I’m really not missing out on anything here. Something tells me all this vampire craze is aimed towards females between the ages of 15 and 17. Ha ha.
-Within the last two months, I was about to go out with a girl until I looked at her Facebook page, and her status said “In a Relationship”. When I asked her why she had agreed to go out with me even though her page said that, her response was: “Well, I’ve been talking to this guy every day for the last few weeks that my friend set me up with. He lives out of state and I haven’t met him yet, but he’s coming in town in a couple weeks and I really think we’ll end up being a couple. I felt he’d get mad if I didn’t put that as my status.” Oh boy. Easily one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard come out of girls mouth in my lifetime.
-And finally, I want to send all my love to Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian on their recent nuptials. I hope you enjoy the many long minutes together before you ultimately decide to end this farce of a relationship. Just don’t screw up the Lakers this season, Lamar. You realize the minute you start playing like crap, everyone will be blaming Chyna. I hope you’re ready to defend him because it’s definitely coming.
Any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, email me at email@example.com. Next column will appear probably after the official announcement of the “Bachelor” on October 13th. Until then.