Remember, for this seasons spoilers, click on the either of the two links under the banner above (Part 1 & Part 2) for all your answers regarding what happens this season. And no, as of right now, still am not 100% sure of how the show ends. Hopefully I will soon.
Tomorrow I will have a column up in the morning that I feel is very important. I would like all of you to read it. I get nothing out of it, but it’s a story that I came across about two months ago, and I’ve been waiting to share it with you. No, it has nothing to do with the “Bachelorette”, or spoilers, or any of the stupidity that surrounds this show. Just something that I’ve taken a huge interest in recently and wanted to let more people aware of it. So please come back tomorrow and read the story I want to share with everyone. If you’re a mother, I think you’d especially like to read it. Truly one of the more inspirational stories I’ve come across in a while and I feel that more people should know about it.
As for last weeks show, I wanted to clear something up. If there was one theme that most of the emails I had this week surrounded, it was the preview clip for the rest of the season that showed what seemingly were cop car lights or ambulance lights, along with a siren sounding. So just that everyone knows, here’s what that’s all about: Nothing. It’s the ABC hype machine in full effect. Kinda like last season when they show a clip of Tenley saying “I’m pregnant”, then never even show that in the episode. So just know, at no point this season, do the cops, ambulance, or firetrucks show up to tend to anyone in the house – the guys or Ali. I guess they wanted to make you think Kasey was crazy and willing to slit his wrists over Ali, but as we know, that’s not even close to what happened. Whatever the case, those lights/sirens have absolutely nothing to do with anything involving any of the people left on the show. Nice touch, ABC. Referencing possible suicide with Kasey? Verrrrrrrrry classy. I guess I should expect nothing less from these classless bunch of puds.
Speaking of Kasey, I told you last week he was a spitting image of the Green Arrow character from “Smallville”, played by Justin Hartley. Well, here’s the best pics I could come up with to compare the two.
I’d say that’s pretty close. If nothing else, they both frost their tips…ha ha. What was the second biggest topic I got in emails last week after, “What were the cop cars doing in the previews?” Easy. Kasey’s voice. One person thought he sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher. Or Kermit the Frog. Or Mush Mouth. Another is convinced he must be partially deaf. And yet another says he has a speech impediment. Geesh, and I’m the one who’s mean? Calling a guy deaf that isn’t? Ouch. I haven’t even noticed it that much. I just could tell the guy was nervous and speaking ridiculously fast. I never thought for a second he was partially deaf. If it weren’t bad enough that the show was portraying him as a stalker willing to cut himself over Ali, now fans think he can’t speak. Rough one, man.
One final question to address that I’m shocked people care enough about is how Ali hands out the roses. I swear, I get asked this ten times a season and I usually answer them back personally, but since so many people have a fascination with this, might as well address it publicly. On nights when she hands out a lot of roses, people want to know how she remembers everyone’s name. Uhhhh, it’s called editing. Those rose ceremonies take hours to film. She doesn’t just run through everyone in one take and the whole thing is wrapped in 15 minutes. Far from it. She does three, four, maybe five names at a time, they take a break, she leaves, talks to producers more, then comes back out and does the next group of names. Hence the reason they’re always doing cutaways to shots of the guys faces. She’s not the Mega Memory guy. They just film it in pieces then splice it all together like it was done in one shot. Pretty simple. Ok, on to last night…
-We start with the proverbial, “Gentleman, can you join me in the living room” line by Host Chris. On the “Bachelor”, this leads to incessant squealing by all the remaining girls. Followed by lingerie pillow fighting and all the girls tickling each other. Oh wait. That’s just in my fantasy. No, usually that squealing is done by women fresh out of bed, in sweats and no makeup looking haggard. With the guys, I think a couple high fives were exchanged, probably a few belches and a game of grab ass. I gotta say, for early in the morning, these guys didn’t look like death had just woken them up. Take a page out of their books ladies. Do yourself up nice and tidy before walking down the stairs so you don’t look like you just made the Walk of Shame after a night of dirty sex with some stranger at a bar. It’s not becoming of you. Of course, how could I possibly say that about ANY former bachelorettes who’ve been on this show? None of them have ever done such a thing.
-Of course being the first 1-on-1 of the season with Frank, Ali must break out the yellow since she seems to be addicted to that color. The response to Ali this season has been less than stellar. Every woman seems to hate her outfits, or her extensions, or the fact she holds her dresses when she walks, or that she hunches her shoulders, blah blah blah. Seriously, women are the worst sometimes. You people realize guys don’t really care about ANY of this, don’t you? You know who else doesn’t care? Ali. The girl has admitted 100 times in interviews she’s a tomboy. She wants to wear sneakers with her wedding dress. She’d much rather do something sporty on a date then get dolled up in a gown and $1M in ice. Just because you may be a girly girl, doesn’t mean Ali has to be, because she certainly isn’t. She’s even admitted to being uncomfortable having her makeup and hair done. It shows. I just think it’s funny that because she’s on TV, people are expecting her to look a certain way for their liking. I’m not trying to defend her here, I’m just pointing out facts that she’s stated herself. She’s not a runway model, nor does she want to be one. Funny that plenty of people have a hard time accepting that. I’d still do her.
-So Ali and Frank hop in some old school car, get on the 101 and have it break down on the side of the road. I love the sound mixing they threw in when the car was being pulled over. Props to the sound mixer guy that found the button on his keyboard that said “stalled engine”. That was the most generic sounding stalled engine I’ve ever heard in my life. I swear I’d heard that in movies before. So lame. Hell, I don’t even know if the car really even broke down. Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t. But I can tell you one thing that didn’t happen. Ali and Frank walking on the shoulder of one of the busiest freeways in California to the next exit until they found a cab. Yeah, something tells me that was about as likely to happen as the Weatherman not being picked on his whole life. Hey, it’s easy to pick on the weaklings. What happened in last night’s episode was basically a microcosm of Jonathan’s life. Geesh, what a weenie. More on him later.
-Back at the house, Craig the lawyer approaches “Rated R” Rego in the pool to hammer down the point that he doesn’t think he’s here for Ali. Trying to give him a verbal beatdown for basically being a liar on the first night and being one way with Ali, but another way with the guys. Same sh**, different season. This show is so cookie cutter, it’s hilarious. Lets make one thing perfectly though regarding Craig the lawyer. The consensus seems to be that Craig the lawyer and I are separated at birth. Huh? Sorry. Don’t see it. I’m much much the more handsome lad like than that guy. Maybe it’s the hair line. Not sure. I can tell you one thing I’ve got over him: I’m much more sober. Good Lord. How sauced was he when he was talking to Justin? Drunk people are the best. They are always right, you are always wrong, and that’s just the way it is. Craig the lawyer and Craig M. should’ve both been served breathalyzers during last night’s show, and combined they probably would’ve blew a .95. Yes, I realize that puts them at both around a .50 and legally dead, but Jesus, did you see the way they acted all night? The alcohol intake was completely unbearable between these two.
-Something I noticed between Frank and Ali last night. How many times did he pick her up and swing her around? Did she get that from watching Gia hang on Jake like a monkey all last season? Or is that her way of nonverbally telling Frank she likes to be dominated in every which way? I’ll go with the latter. Sounds hotter to me. Maybe it’s just me, and maybe because I’m not on TV I don’t need to overact with the girl I’m with, but I honestly can’t remember the last time I picked a girl up and spun her around as I hugged her. Does that make me less romantic? Is that why I’m still single? As I turned 35 yesterday, apparently these are questions I have to start pondering. So, we all knew Frank’s story about giving up a good job and moving to Paris to write screenplays. He let Ali in on a little more during their time at the Hollywood sign. Frank: “I’m managing a retail store while I write.” Awesome. Who isn’t? That’s like asking any wannabe actor in LA, “Hey, what restaurant do you work at?” Does Frank work at Structure? Oh wait, they’re out of business. Maybe he works at Express for Men. Or Banana Republic. Or J Crew. Probably the least shocking thing I heard last night was that Frank works in retail. He just looks like the guy who comes up to me when I’m browsing Abercrombie and Fitch and wants to let me know “if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.”
-Oh boy. The people who don’t read spoilers are falling right into ABC’s trap of “They’re gonna love Frank right now, but wait til later” after Frank starts gushing about Ali. Frank: “Even though it’s our first date, I see so many qualities in Ali that I’ve always been looking for. I’m already starting to feel something for her.” Ouch. This is not going to end well for him. I wonder what Nicole thought of Ali and Frank mauling each other on their date? Think she got a little jealous last night? Did they watch the show together? Did he cover her eyes when he and Ali were hot and heavy? You know, another question I got asked a lot after last week was something to the effect of, “At what point do you think Frank stopped liking Ali and knew he wanted to be back with his ex?” Sh**, hell if I know. I have no idea. I just know he wanted to tell Ali much sooner than the overnights and wasn’t allowed to. So does that mean all this was an act? Did he realize it later on? No clue. Sorry. I’m guessing there’s only one person that knows the answer to that, and that’s Frank. So if you run into him on the streets of Chicago, be sure to ask him. I’m sure he’ll be more than glad to tell you, since once this show is over, he’ll only be asked a million times what his real feelings were for Ali. Good luck with that, Frankie. I’m sure that won’t get old.
-Ali says there are four things she likes about Frank: He’s funny, smart, quirky, and…uhhhh, then she said “there’s nothing, like, normal about you.” So was that #4? And if it was, does she want a do-over on that? I sure would. Is that a compliment? Maybe she’s just nervous. She only named three things then went off on a tangent. Or maybe it’s just Ali has butterflies in her stomach and is so giddy around Frank she loses all train of thought. Must be it. Frank loved the date. “Best first date I ever had.” Man. Just turn the knife into Nicole’s stomach, why don’t ya’ Frank? Nicole must be watching this saying, “And I took you back why again?” Ha ha. Either that, or those two are having the biggest laugh on Monday nights watching this train wreck. Frank’s with the person he left Ali for so I’m guessing he probably doesn’t care at this point what people are gonna think about him. Why should he? You know, I can even admit it now, but when Jason dumped Melissa to be with Molly, sure he knew he’d take heat for it, but in the long run, he was with the person he felt the strongest for. And now that they’re married, it’s even more of an in-your-face to doubters like me. Sure, he went about it all wrong by re-enacting their breakup on national TV when it was already over between them, but I’m just talking about what he was feeling. Like he was crucified for what he did, but in the end, it all turned out for the best since they’re married. I never built up any strong hatred for him anyways. That was the angry housewives. I just didn’t care for HOW he did it. Whether Jason was with Melissa had no bearing on my life whatsoever, so no need to get worked up over it. Too bad not everyone could accept that.