-Roberto’s date is up first with Ali. I think it’s safe to say after watching Roberto this episode that the guy has a bit of a sweating problem. Holy crap. Obviously it was hot in Tahiti, but hey, Lambton wasn’t sweating like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee like Roberto was. I felt like Roberto should’ve been carrying around a towel everywhere he went. In fact, in one of his ITM’s, I think he did. I love how when Ali arrived in Le Taha’a, she was acting as if she had just won some pageant and was being shown around the island. Who the hell was she waving at? They don’t even know who you are, Ali. Ali: “Now is the opportunity to take my relationship with these guys to the next level.” Translation: Bow-chicka-bow-bow. You know what’s funny? How “bow-chicka-bow-bow” have become the universal lyrics for having sex. Say those four words to anyone and they’ll know exactly what you’re talking about. Especially if you kinda sing it and makes gestures with your hands like I do.
-I was thoroughly enjoying all the bikini shots of Ali in the water. Very seductive. Especially the one of her in slow motion coming out of the water and whipping her hair around. It was like Phoebe Cates in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” without the nudity. And I must say, that was probably my first ever experience into adulthood watching that scene. It will forever be embedded in my head. Thank you, Phoebe. Thank you. Now why did you have to go ruin it by keeping all your clothes on in “Gremlins”? Horrible career choice. Anyway, her and Roberto go to the island of Tupai. It’s a reef with a lagoon in the shape of a heart. I gotta say, that was the most odd shaped heart I’ve ever seen in my life. Hey, whatever floats your boat and if you want to make it look more romantic than it is, be my guest, but I’m sorry, that thing looked nothing like a heart to me. And does it really matter it was shaped like a heart? When you’re actually on that island, it’s not like you can tell the difference what shape it is. Dumb. I didn’t get why they made such a big deal out of it.
-I really enjoyed the next part. Ali took her pants off. Damn, she has a bathing suit on underneath. Always happens on this show. Drats! Although it is a bathing suit that doesn’t match. A yellow top with red bikini bottoms? Huh? I don’t want to suggest that by the time she got to Tahiti, maybe she’d grown out of the bottoms that matched the yellow top but, uhhhhh, maybe she grew out of the original yellow bottoms that matched with the yellow top. But that’s not important. What is important is watching these two kiddies frolic around in the water like 6 year olds. Weeeeeeeeee!!!!!! Not to mention barely taking any breaths of air since their mouth’s were attached to each others the whole time using the other person’s lungs for oxygen. But despite all that kissing, am I missing something? Why don’t these people ever use their tongues? How many times do I have to watch two good looking people in the water on a beautiful resort island give closed mouthed kisses to each other? C’mon, lets ramp up the sex factor here please. I mean, its really bizarre how little tongue is used. It’s like Jen Scheft is back on the show kissing a bunch of guys she never liked in the first place.
-At dinner, Roberto continues to emphasize how “ridiculous” Tahiti is. I think he’s only said 783 times at this point, but I lost track. He still can’t get over the island of Tupai they were on, which led to this exchange:
Roberto: “Today was ridiculous.”
Ali: “It was a freakin’ heart!” (talking about the island)
Roberto: “It was an island shaped heart.”
No actually Roberto, it was a heart-shaped island. But hey, it’s not like Ali’s into you because of your brain. More for your mouth skills. And your ability to sweat through a shirt like nobody’s business. Holy crap, someone get this guy a fan or something. He’s dripping at dinner and the steamy loves scenes haven’t even started happening yet. Did someone drop a bucket of water on him? Is he nervous? Is he running a fever? We’ve had plenty of overnight dates in exotic locations that were outside and I’m sure hot and muggy, but no one has ever sweat quite like Roberto did this whole date. Yikes. I guess apologies are in order from Craig to the weatherman for making fun of his pit stains earlier in the season. Seems it should’ve been aimed at Roberto.
-Next, Roberto shows his true ignorance when it comes to this show. Ali hands him the date card. Roberto: “What’s this?” Ali: “It’s from Chris Harrison, you idiot. They’ve only done this for 20 seasons in a row now. Wake up, already.” However, in Roberto’s defense, if you read Kirk’s interview last week, Kirk said Roberto told him he’d never watched the show before, and didn’t know a thing about Ali until the show began because he didn’t want to come in with any pre-conceived notions. Great, Roberto. Of course, when you were playing baseball a town over from Ali years ago and she was cheering you on from the stands, apparently you knew her then. Ha ha. “US Weekly”, you should seriously get any journalism credential revoked for actually having the audacity to throw that on your front cover and claim that as a shocking revelation. Of course, I don’t actually think anything “US Weekly” does should be considered journalism, but you get the point. Stick to taking pictures of stars shopping at grocery stores and walking their babies, and cut down on the “investigative” stuff since you’ve basically got nothing.
-For those who have never watched this show, here’s what the date card said. “Ali and Robert. Welcome to one of the most beautiful Tahitian islands, Taha’a. I hope you are enjoying your stay. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite so Roberto can sweat behind closed doors by actually doing some physical activity. Chris.” Ali and Roberto walk back to their suite through the water, which prompts Ali to make sure she unbuttons his shirt and takes it off for him. Hopefully this night led to some actual open mouth kissing with tongue involved. I’m sure it did. Among other things. Hey, this is the first time all season where two people are alone, the cameras aren’t rolling, people aren’t standing around, and they are behind closed doors without mikes on. So yeah, of course this is where the dirty dirty happens. As it should. I don’t fault any of the female leads who’ve banged all three guys on the overnights. Nor do I fault the male leads. It’s what we’ve come to expect and honestly, you can’t make a correct decision anyway if you’re truly contemplating accepting marriage from this person a few days later and you haven’t done it. Either that, or Ali forgot to bring her D cell batteries to Tahiti and just needed to release some built up frustration and Roberto and Chris were in the right place at the right time.