-The group date has Emily, Ashley, Jackie, Alli, Michelle, and Shawntel rappelling down a waterfall. At least Brad decided to put away the Mervyns polos for a day. Although, did he have on crocs? Who does he think he is, Brett Favre? Who’s the lucky recipient of his cell phone pics if that’s the case? Oh wait, we know the answer to that already: Chantal. Why I’m focused on fashion this episode I have no idea. Must be the effect Natalie Getz is having on me. Anyway, all the girls seem to be wearing a pullover raincoat since they’re about to get drenched, except Michelle and Emily. Emily had on a hooded pullover that looked she was going for an afternoon walk, and Michelle had on workout gear like she was going for a run on the treadmill. Someone might want to put a jacket on these two. Whatever. Not my concern anymore. However, once again, Michelle is pouting big time. “Brad and I made a pact. We’d never rappel down anything with anyone else.” Yes, because pacts on this show really mean a whole hell of a lot. Michelle, have you been sending me emails under assumed names for my Friday “Reader Emails”? Don’t you know these dates are planned way in advance and Brad has zero say in what happens in them? It’s not his fault he has to go rappelling with other women, it’s the producers. At least he did the noble thing and let the other five go down by themselves scared sh**less while he waited for you. Isn’t that good enough? Who am I kidding? Of course it isn’t.
-Michelle: “It really annoys me to see Brad be nice to the other girls.” Really? I couldn’t tell. You seem so level headed about the whole process and how things work, I totally thought you were enjoying yourself. I must’ve been mistaken. Jackie is the most scared of any of the women and is petrified. But of course Brad being Mr. Gentleman Who Keeps His Pact with Crazy Women, decides, “Yeah, take off Jackie. You’ll be fine. If you split your head open, just know I didn’t go down with you because I felt Michelle and I’s pact was just too strong. And since your ass is being shipped home tonight, I really didn’t care.” So Jackie rappels down the waterfall about as confidently as a barely legal coed approaches a date with Ben Roethlisberger. Jackie’s mortified, but at least Brad kept his pact, so I’m sure that makes him feel much, much better and makes Jackie want to kick him in the nuts. Jackie: “Why didn’t he rappel down with me?” Well, that’s easy Jackie. Cuz Michelle is hot and practiced her S&M tricks on him in the Vegas hotel room last week, that’s why. And although your chest area seems to be growing on a week to week basis, it just wasn’t enough for Brad to break his pact. Sorry, sweetcakes. Hope you enjoyed your parting gifts from Costa Rica.
-So after nothing but Michelle drama during the rappelling portion of the date, time to go back to the hot springs and relax for some bikini time and, well, more drama. Michelle is already sauced and saying things like “Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to like go home and (expletive). I have no idea what she said since they bleeped it out, but I’m guessing it rhymed with “muck fiz tick”. Just a guess. The chick was bombed so even she probably doesn’t remember what she said. Although, I’m sure it was well thought and purposely done for more camera time. And oh yeah, verrrrrrrry classy. Exactly what acting roles is she trying to land with her performance on the show this season? Porn? I seriously think this show needs more drunk women giving their ITM’s. Not that we don’t get plenty as it is, but every time there’s a pool party, and women are in bikini’s, we need to see completely sh**faced honies talking into the camera. The entertainment value is through the roof. You know why? Because that’s how women act when they’re drunk. Who wants to see them all prim and proper saying the same lines we hear every season about a “connection” and “journey” blah blah blah. We need more honesty, and we know alcohol is the way to get it. Make it happen.
-Brad pulls Jackie aside for some alone time and she puts him on the spot for ditching her on the rappel down the waterfall. Jackie: “You know, it would’ve been great if you went down with me.” With me. She said with me. Although, I’m sure she meant to say the other thing. Brad’s response was classic since, well, he didn’t have one. “Uhhhhh, yeah it could’ve been.” Ha ha. Caught with his pants down. I think at that point Jackie should’ve gotten out of the jacuzzi, walked up to her room, and started packing her stuff. You know why me giving spoilers away a month in advance doesn’t take away from the show? Because it’s so obvious while you’re watching who’s going home anyway. I mean, really? When it was down to Jackie or Michelle at the rose ceremony, not even knowing the spoilers, you thought there was a chance in hell he’d keep Jackie over Michelle? Hence the reason why I don’t think the show cares about what I do. Privately, at least. It’s not hard to figure out who’s going home every week just by watching people’s edits and who gets more camera time than others. Even Chris Harrison is starting to warm up to that fact. Did you hear what his answer was when someone asked him about spoilers during his conference call two weeks ago? Here’s the full question and answer from WetPaint.com, but I thought this part of the answer was interesting:
“…So things in this day and age things are going to get out, to a certain degree…So we’ve embraced it to a certain degree but I will say, be careful what you read and what you follow…You have to see it and feel it and believe it for yourself because it’s that emotional and I think it’s that compelling. So in some ways no matter what you read about what’s going to happen this weekend, it definitely won’t do justice until you see it.”
Maybe for the first time in a while, Chris and I agree on something. If me giving spoilers stopped people from watching the show, they wouldn’t get 9 million viewers a week. Sure, it ruins who’s going home every week, but people are still going to tune in because they are sheep and are following the love story this show is trying to create. All I’m doing is filling in a few tidbits behind the scenes and on screen that you’ll see. On the scandals (like Rozlyn, and Rego, and Frank the last few seasons), I’m just giving you more info than what the show is giving you and having you make up your own mind from there. So yeah, since the show pretty much knows I’m gonna give spoilers, you can see their stance is now, “Well yeah, there’s stuff out there, but you still need to see it play out”. And people do. Notice how they never say that I’m wrong or don’t know what I’m talking about? The minute the spoilers came out, they knew I was right because it’s already been filmed. There’s nothing they can say other than the stuff Chris is saying now, which is probably their best bet. People are going to watch whether I spoil or not. Doesn’t matter to me. I’m just here to help people see things that probably 95% of their audience has no clue about.
-Emily is up next now in the jacuzzi and she starts talking about “guys that I really like I run away from them. I sabotage a lot of my relationships”. Yeah, that’s something I’m sure Brad wants to hear at this point. For a woman that so many people want to like, she doesn’t come off as the most engaging, friendly, open-to-the-process person as you’d think. But if you think that will prevent them from casting her as the “Bachelorette”, you’re sorely mistaken. I cannot stress this enough: It’s Emily’s gig if she wants it. Period. They will not choose to go in another direction because they don’t think the audience will like her, or that maybe they don’t think she’d carry a show, etc. The only way Emily is not the “Bachelorette” next season is if she chooses not to be, which I don’t see happening. She wants to be the “Bachelorette”, has wanted to be the “Bachelorette” from the very beginning, and this season was nothing more than setting up her storyline for that happen.
-Michelle is up next to use her seduction skills on him once again, however, something back at the resort interrupts them. It’s Alli screaming like she’s a character in “Scream 4” getting bludgeoned to death by a machete. Was she the victim of a violent break in? Did she see a dead body? Was there blood dripping from unknown places? Oh no. None of that. She saw a bug on the table. Was it small? No. But it’s not like it had arms and was going to eat her. Chantal picked it up with a magazine and practically threw it at her and Alli screamed like I’ve never heard anyone scream on this show before as she threw her full glass of Coke to the ground shattering it. I mean, I understand women being afraid of bugs. Had an ex who was petrified of them. Not to mention my sister who runs around the house if there’s a spider the size of a dime in the vicinity. However, Alli was juuuuuust a bit overly dramatic don’t you think? If it’s a tarantula and its crawling on you while you’re sleeping in Hawaii like Bobby Brady, then yeah, freak out. But c’mon, that was ridiculous. Basically Alli is a giant p***y and that’s why Brad sent her home. Well, at least I hope it is.
-After those two are interrupted by Alli’s screams of terror, they get back to the matter at hand, which is Michelle trying to find out why Brad even keeps any of the other girls around, especially Chantal. Brad doesn’t understand where this is coming from, because as far as he’s concerned, he’s bought Chantal’s act hook, line, and sinker so far. He’s bought every line she’s fed him, he’s loving hearing everything she wants him to hear, and he’s beginning to think Michelle is nuts. Brad: “You really have to trust I’m making the right decisions.” Yeah, sure. I’m sure that’ll sit well with her. Nevertheless, they make out. Because we all know any good argument ends with a tongue wrestling match. However, Brad is just not feeling the women on this date. On the emotional level I’m talking about. I’m sure he felt all of them already at some point under the water. Michelle just put him in a bad mood so he’s gonna go pout in the corner and take his rose with him. Brad: “I need to take time. Thank you for an incredible day. Hope you understand.” Ha ha. That couldn’t have been more insincere if he tried. If you wanted to attach one of those emoticons on your phone to the end of that sentence, it’d be the one with the angry red face and the eyebrows frowning. He is not happy and will now go back to his room and have to rub one out to relieve the tension. Always works.