-Shawntel’s date is up next and I think I can speak for everyone when I say I’m so disappointed when she met him in town, that she didn’t go jumping into his arms so he could pick her up. We all really miss seeing that happen. And when I say “really miss seeing that” I mean “thank you for not subjecting us to that buffoonery”. Also back in the Oct. 27th column, I released this info:
“While in the Caribbean, all I know so far is there was a beach date, which I believe is a group date. Also Brad was riding bikes along the road with one other girl.”
Well, that lucky bike riding girl as we saw last night was Shawntel. They got to ride around town an go to the Farmers Market, which according to Shawntel, is her perfect idea of a date. She must be very easy to please. I will admit this much: I like Shawntel. Like actually seems normal to the point of I don’t believe she’s out for fame from this show, went on to have a good time, started to develop feelings for the guy, and just went with it. And doesn’t seem like someone who’s at all interested in the perks that will come from being on the show. You know, like being hounded by all the previous seasons horndogs on the “Bachelorette” trying to get in her pants. However, if she shows up on “Bachelor Pad 2”, then forget what I just said. Man, they’ve already got about 10 storylines built in for that season considering all the hookups that have been happening at these reunions. Yikes.
-So as these two are shopping, they pull up to a group of Anguillans (is that what you call a native there?) who are playing dominoes. Because Shawntel is such a playful girl and will let her hair down to try anything, she decides to join in the game. Or, she was forced to as the producers probably threatened the locals they’d get no camera time if neither of them could join in and play. I wonder what Anguillans actually this of this horsesh** show? Like, did any of those Anguillans in the dominoes game have a watch party last night and gossip to their friends about all the other girls on the show? Did that one guy with six teeth invite that other guy over who had nine teeth just so they could watch themselves kick Brad and Shawntel’s ass? Someone get on the horn to Anguilla and find out who threw the watch party.
-After that riveting game of dominoes, Brad and Shawntel run into the most knowledgeable woman in the world. Or at least in the Farmers Market area of Anguilla. Her name is Auntie B. Or as I’d like to call her, Aunt Jemima. They had to be related, right? C’mon. They looked alike. They dressed alike. Hell, they even talked alike. Maybe Auntie B isn’t livin’ large from the phat bank she made off maple syrup, but surely she came up with something on her own, right? I sure hope so. Maybe she sold some fruits and berries roadside in Anguilla that made her a fortune. Who knows? All I know is I couldn’t understand a word of whatever she mumbled to Shawntel and Brad other than “So you all in love?” Whoa, whoa, whoa Aunt Jemima. Just because a camera is on you and you’re looking for your big break off the island doesn’t mean you need to be so nosy in Brad and Shawntel’s business, ya hear? But Shawntel tells us she’s happy. “He’s an all around perfect guy. This is the man I’d love to marry.” That’s very sweet of her. Problem is, he wants to marry Laurel. Or at least was telling her this hundreds of times in texts just weeks before leaving for the show. So sorry Shawntel, looks like you’re sh** out of luck.
-Shawntel is really starting to open up now. “I’ve only told two guys in my life that I loved them. I can say I’m definitely falling in love with you.” Did you have to cut their throat with a catheter after you told them? Are they still alive to this day? I mean, we all know Shawntel goes home next week, so lets be honest and just say that of course her profession was probably the reason Brad didn’t keep her around. If he says it isn’t, he’s lying. The guy is a business owner in Austin, Tx. She works for her family’s funeral parlor in Chico, CA. I’m guessing she wasn’t packing up anytime soon considering she has stated she wants to eventually take over the parlor. The girl wasn’t gonna move, Brad wasn’t gonna ask her to move, and that’s that. Now Shawntel should just share with everyone what its like to embalm someone again, you know, cuz that was some riveting stuff. I’m sure it’d put any date to sleep.
-Brad has a great day with Shawntel biking around town and having a picnic, but he still needs more since, well, he’s about as needy as they come. “Tonight’s date with Shawntel needs to be big. I need some sort of clarity.” Translation: I HAVE to know whether or not this chick will give up the ass anytime soon. We’re getting down to the nitty gritty here. We’re two dates away from the overnights, and I need a guaranteed lay once we’re in South Africa or I’m wasting my time. Exactly how much more clarity did Brad need? The chick just told him on their second 1-on-1 date together that she’s falling in love with him. Is that not good enough? Does she need to text it to him over and over and over and over again like he does to his ex’s? I don’t get it. Shawntel couldn’t have been more open and now he’s bitching about wanting more clarity? I’m beginning to think all this “intense therapy” has turned Brad insane. Seems to be completely clueless about what he wants.
-Brad starts to open up a bit to Shawntel. “My parents divorced when I was four. My father has just never been in the picture.” Well, not according to “Star” magazine last week. Different story for a different day I guess. You can address that later. Then Brad tells us “I can talk about stuff with Shawntel that I don’t even talk to my brothers about.” Uh huh. Ok. Really? You’ve never talked about your father with your brothers? I don’t want to call bullsh** on that, but ehhhhh, what the hell? Bullsh**. I’m guessing you have. At least, I hope you have, or you are the most unemotional android walking the face of the planet. I was just waiting for Brad to drop on Shawntel the story about how when he was 12, his dad said he was coming over to pick him up, and then he never saw him again til he was 16. Hey man, cut the guy some slack. Maybe he took the long way to get to your place? Perhaps he got lost? Maybe he was real nervous and drove around the block a few billion times? I’m sure the guy has a perfectly good explanation as to why it took him four years to pick you up and take you out for ice cream. I’m dying to hear it.
-The next part of their date was my absolute favorite. A concert by none other than…wait for it…Bankie Banx! Holy sh**! THE Bankie Banx? How did they ever secure him for this show? I mean, I thought Train and Seal were huge gets for them. No way. Bankie Banx never performs for crappy network television dating shows aimed at middle aged housewives who are so disenchanted with their married life they have to live vicariously through people they see on TV. So be thankful for Bankie Banx giving them a free show. Brad certainly is. “Bankie Banx is the most famous singer in Anguilla, if not the entire Caribbean.” I can’t really say the Anguillan music scene is booming with recording artists left and right. Call me crazy. And isn’t saying Bankie Banx is the most famous singer in Anguilla equivalent to saying that Wes Hayden has the #1 single in Chihuahua, Mexico? Just sayin. I think the funniest moment in 21 seasons of this franchise COULD have been if Bankie Banx broke into, “Theeeeeeey saaaaaaay love. It don’t come eeeeeeeeeeasssssaaaaaaay.” I might’ve actually started ROFLMAO if that happened.
-Brad and Shawntel are so impressed by Bankie, and are loving his music so much, they basically just decide to ditch the free concert for some nookie. Congrats to all the locals and extras they brought in to make it seem like Bankie was killin’ it out there and there was standing room only to see him. The last crowd I saw that disinterested in what they were watching was Sunday night at the Grammys when Esperanza Spalding was giving her speech for “Best New Artist”. I have a question: Who on God’s green earth is Esperanza Spalding? Anyway, Brad and Shawntel go frolicking in the ocean together (Hmmmm, how original considering he did that with Emily too), and for really the first time all season, we get a very clear view of how giant Shawntel’s tramp stamp is. Holy crap. And maybe some of you out there reading this have a tramp stamp of your own, so I apologize for making it sound so crass and degrading. For your liking, why don’t we call it by it’s proper name, the P.O.T. (Pull Out Target). I don’t want to say Shawntel’s P.O.T. is huge, but a blind man could earn a triple score by firing away on that bullseye.