-Ashley’s turn for the “sacrificial lamb” date. You know, the one where you know she’s going home out of the final three but you have to pretend to have a grand ol’ time? Yeah, that one. I think I’m gonna start calling Ashley “Squeaky”. She squeals a lot, has a high pitched voice, and just looks like someone who should be named “Squeaky”. So Squeaky it is Ashley, and it will continue on into your next season as the “Bachelorette”. Squeaky was definitely in full effect when Brad showed her they were taking a helicopter and she squealed for about five minutes and ran away scared. “It’s my biggest fear in life.” Well, that and probably having a cavity or something. The fact that Ashley said helicopters were hear biggest fear in life pretty much guarantees she’ll have about 17 helicopter dates next season. Just like Ali told us she had a fear of flying, then in her season they fly all around the world. This show is like one giant psychological experiment more than it is a dating show about finding your future spouse. It’s like “Fear Factor” except with dates, hot tubs, roses, and overnight nookie.
-These two begin to have a picnic overlooking God’s Window. My favorite part of their picnic was Brad toasting to Ashley’s family and “whatever they’re doing.” Well, I’m sure they’re eating poutine, while her sister gets another tattoo, all while Ashley is packing a bunch of giant suitcases getting ready to head to LA to begin filming the “Bachelorette”. After that, the interrogation begins. Brad is relentless on the questioning of Ashley. “So where do you want to live?” to which Ashley gave some long drawn out answer that never included the word “Austin”. Once Brad never heard that word appear, he pretty much flipped his sh**. He basically started to realize Ashley had a career, she needed to finish school, and still had a lot of things to get done before she thought about popping babies. And I guess that didn’t sit too well with Brad. Hope it does for however many men they decide to cast on her season. I mean, if she’s steadfast on finishing her dental schooling to start her own practice, sure, moving to wherever to open up a practice should be that tough at all. But she’s still not done with school so some guy is gonna have to wait that out. Lets see if any of them do.
-Lets skip to dinner since I need to finish this column up and we’ll have plenty of time to discuss Ashley next season. I think the least the producers could’ve given these two at dinner was a fly swatter. How many times did they have to swipe away at bugs during dinner? Brad brings up again how earlier in the day he asked where she wanted to live and not once did she ever say “Austin”. In a roundabout, confusing, hand gesturing answer, Ashley said she thought it was pretty much understood that if things were to continue with Brad she’d have no problem moving to Austin. I see both their sides on this one. Brad wanted reassurance since he has a big decision to make, but, Ashley never said she wouldn’t. She just needed to communicate her feelings to him a little better, and he had to read her a little better in return. Holy shi**! I’m like Dr. Kajagoogoo now. And I gave them that advice for free. Maybe I should be the resident therapist for this show. Bring me on, have me sit down a talk to the lead. Hell, I couldn’t have done any worse than that quack they had this season. Or Chris Harrison and boring fireside chats. Sign me up!
-Brad and Ashley are seriously like an old married couple on this dinner date constantly bickering back and forth about really nothing other than semantics at this point. Brad: “Why are we spending so much time reassuring ourselves instead of just going with it?” I totally agree Bradley. Get to the good stuff like the fantasy suite card where we already Chantal and Emily’s name crossed off. It was funny how the card he gave her had been in his back pocket so it was all crumpled up when he handed it to her. Classy. And since this date couldn’t have been more awkward, uncomfortable, and spiraling out of control at this point, the ONLY thing that could’ve saved it was the fantasy suite, which of course Ashley’s like “I’d love to.” Ha ha. Awesome. More uncomfortable times ahead. So they sit out on the deck and get into some real deep conversation:
Brad: Hopefully we can get past all the awkwardness that occurred during dinner and just move forward.”
(Awkward silence. Each of them gaze off somewhere else).
Ashley: What do you think of the mosquito nets?
When there’s a king sized bed in the bedroom right behind you waiting to get used and abused, and you’re talking about mosquito nets, it’s safe to assume this date has been one colossal failure. Man, that was painful to watch. I almost had to shut my eyes it was so bad. Like I said earlier, I doubt these two had sex just because of how awful the date was. Brad knew Ashley was going home. You could tell by the frustration. So if he was able to knock it out before sending her on her way, then congrats to him, but I can’t imagine that happened. Maybe he got a hainge or something. Google it. No need to explain.