For all your episode-by-episode spoilers of Ashleys season up through the final four, either click on the “Bachelorette Ashley Spoilers” link at the top of the page, or click here. Once I have the remaining breakdown of everything else, I will post it immediately. However, there will still be spoilers posted throughout this column. You’ve been warned.
Yes, I turned 36 today. Thank you for all the birthday wishes that have already come in, even though probably 75% of them are coming from people I’ve never had any contact with in my life. Never really understood that dynamic. To each their own. For the second year in a row, I’d like to thank Twin Peaks Restaurant for being the only DFW establishment who bothered to send me an email notifying me I eat for free on my birthday. I will see you all at lunch because of the fine food you serve and for no other reason whatsoever. Ok, so they didn’t necessarily have to twist my arm to go there, but, I’m not lying when I say they emailed me a coupon for a free entrée on my birthday. Gee, can’t imagine why?
Here’s an update on the writing samples. I’m no longer accepting any more. I’ve read everything that was sent to me up through yesterday. If you never got it in, I’m sorry. But I was well over 100 samples and there were some very good writers that I’m excited about adding to the site. The shows that I’m adding are staggered and all starting at different times. Don’t know when the new writers will be added, but I’ll keep you posted. It was very hard narrowing down who I wanted, so even if initially I don’t use someone, there’s a chance they can be used later. The new writers might flake, they might be late, they might not follow directions well, they might get bored of it, etc. Plenty of things can change. Thank you to everyone who has sent something in. Just because I didn’t choose you, doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re a good writer. Just means I happened to like someone else better. Happens all the time. Hey, Daughtry and Jennifer Hudson didn’t win Idol and went on to great careers, so that’s a good way to look at it. I could be making a huge mistake. But it’s my decision and I have to go with my gut. If you haven’t been contacted by the end of this week, then it means I’ve gone in another direction. I don’t have time to write each and every one of you back, but I do thank those who took the time to write in.
Only a week away from “Bachelor Pad” beginning filming, and despite what you may read, I can tell you the cast is NOT finalized yet. I still think that most of the names you saw me post last Tuesday will end up on the show, but nothing is official until filming begins. There are definitely more than 20 people who’ve been asked to be on the show, so it’s gonna be quite interesting to see who gets aced out when it comes down to the final casting. One interesting thing I noticed this past week is that a lot of these rumored contestants are adding other people who are rumored to be on the show as friends on Facebook, so you know they’re already starting to form alliances early. Which is smart, because here’s one golden rule we learned from last season: If you don’t hook up, you have ZERO shot to win. The final 8 were all “couples” – Kiptyn & Tenley, Kovacs & Elizabeth, Dave & Natalie, and Peyton & Jesse. And the ONLY other person last season who hooked up and didn’t make the final 8 was Jessie Sulidis when she made out with Dave in the hot tub.
And yes, tomorrow I will announce what I know about how the show breaks down from the final four on. I expect there to be skeptics, as there should be, due to me being wrong on my initial choice for the final one the last two seasons. And nothing I say, no matter how strongly I present it, will get you to believe that what I post tomorrow is how the show pans out. So no need to tell you why I think it’s guy “x”, or what proof I have, or where the source came from. Does me no good. And that’s fine. I guess the only vindication for me will be on Aug. 1st when the finale airs. I’m extremely confident in the information I was given, and I’ll leave it at that. Last year I said I was 1000% sure Chantal was the final one for a couple months, so obviously if I say I’m 1000% sure about who Ashley picked, you’ll say “but you said that last season”, so there’s no point in saying that. If I say “I think” or “I’m pretty sure” this is who Ashley picked, then you’ll doubt that as well. Tomorrow I will just post how the rest of the show plays out, and leave it at that, answering no questions to how or why I believe that’s the case. So when you ask, “Are you sure?”, there’s nothing I can say that will convince you. We’ll let Aug. 1st determine the accuracy of the information I was given. On to last night…
-We start out by Chris explaining the rules to this very difficult show that’s been on 22 seasons and nothing ever changes. There’s dates, there’s a rose on the date, if you get it, you’re safe. If you don’t, you go home. Thanks Chris. We’re very aware of how the show works 8 years in. Glad you get six figures to tell us that. You know what I love about the “Bachelorette” as opposed to the “Bachelor”? When Chris gives the date cards, or the date cards arrive, we don’t have chicks screaming like giddy school girls rushing to see what’s in it. The guys are like, “Dude. Whatever. Read it. Gotta go work on my pecs and delts today.” Now granted last season, we did get to watch Ashley Spivey run outside and bounce around in her bikini to pick up the date card, so maybe that was worth it. Whatever the case, as you knew two months ago because I told you, William has the first 1-on-1 date in Vegas at the Bellagio. Ashley comes and picks him up in the car and William, apparently not the sharpest knife in the drawer, thinks they’re actually going to drive to Vegas. Drive. 4 hours. Uhhhh, no William. There’s these things called airplanes that get there much faster. Not to mention the show uses them EVERY SEASON.
-Quick shot back at the mansion of Ames talking to Jeff about when he plans on taking that ridiculous mask off. Jeff hints that it’s coming off soon, probably at the rose ceremony tonight. I’m so glad Jeff is only around for one more episode. Seriously. The gimmick is lame, it doesn’t work, he’s clearly been kept on the show not because Ashley really likes the guy, but because she was encouraged to. Same ol, same ol. He is Madison 2.0. And once he leaves next week, he’ll be as important to this season as she was to hers. Although, couldn’t you see them casting both Jeff and Madison on “Bachelor Pad”? It’s definitely not out of the question. These two could have an awkward romance where there dates are only at night cuz she’s a werewolf and he’s the Phantom of the Opera. And their babies could be born with a mask as well. Horrible ideas all around, however, I could totally see one, if not both of them, being on “Bach Pad”.
-William and Ashleys date in Vegas has a wedding theme. They go wedding cake tasting, then they pick out a ring, then meet with a pastor. Sorry but this date sucks. They filmed this date on the first day of March Madness. If I’m William, at some point I’m like, “Hey sweetcakes, you go do some shopping while I head on over to the sportsbook and get down on some action. This is great and all, but this is day one of March Madness and you couldn’t have picked a worse day for us to frolic around the Bellagio pretending to shopping for a fake wedding.” All the while, William says he’s getting more and more nervous because he’s thinking this can be an actual wedding. Really? This guy actually thinks that with 17 other guys still left in the competition and only being in episode 2, then would plan a wedding for him and Ashley on their first date? No wonder the guys came up with the nickname “Ding Dong” for him. He’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic if you ask me.
-William tucks his nuts between his legs and goes through with the whole date, even heading into the chapel saying “I do” for God knows what reason. Even Ashley plays up the dumb card saying ridiculous things like “I don’t know what to do. This could be like a legally binding marriage”. Yeah, sure it couldn’t. ABC must really think their viewers are idiots. Of course, this doesn’t prevent William from telling Ashley “This is the best first date I’ve ever been on” then Ashley coming back in her ITM with “I’m falling for William. I can’t believe I just said that.” Yeah, neither can we. I just get the sense that when William is dating someone, he is the guy sitting in Anthropologie on the bench with his girlfriends purse in his hands talking to the other poor saps that got dragged into that store as well. He’s kinda dorky with horrible impressions. But hey, since he’s appeared on this show, the guy will never have a problem getting ass for the rest of his life, so kudos to him.
-Next up Ashley and William take a little boat out on the water in front of the Bellagio where dinner was set up for them. William the Dingbat thinks this is very cool. “We’re doing something no one has ever done before.” Ashley hopes the water show doesn’t go off while they’re rowing over to dinner. Yeah, probably not. I’m guessing they won’t have you tip over in the middle of freezing water while a bunch of people look on laughing at you. Call me crazy, but I’m guessing it’s planned ahead of time not to turn the water show on until you’re safely to your dinner. Because the last thing they want to do is actually have you two swim to the platform in your nice clothes and eat dinner soaking wet in windy Las Vegas. But hey, maybe they’ll surprise us and we might actually get to see you guys drown and plunge to your death on national television.
-While eating, William gets deep and tells Ashley about his alcoholic father who died and he keeps his watch set at the same time of his fathers death. I think he told us this in the first episode, but hadn’t told Ashley yet, so I guess he thought he’d fill her in in case she ever asked, “Hey, why doesn’t your watch ever move?” Sad story, definitely earns points for telling her that on his first date. I’m more concerned with figuring out how many people stood around and watched these two from the edge of the Bellagio and thought to themselves, “I gotta take a pic of this and sent it to Reality Steve”. As far as I know, only two of you did as the pics I got from this date only came from two different people. One had a pic from all the daytime stuff, then I got the pic of them kissing with the water show in the background from someone else. So thank you to those people. Everyone else there taking pics and not forwarding them on to me? Booooooooooooooooooo.