-Before the Roast group date, the Mask pulls Ashley aside to tell her, “it’s time the mask comes off.” Like I said, if you have to wear a mask to get the attention of a woman, it’s probably not because you’re a 10. Or even a 7. Put it this way, I’m guessing Mickey wouldn’t ever have to resort to telling a woman, “I want you to get to know my personality first”. I think you get my point here. Time for the big reveal. This was definitely on par with Luke removing Darth Vaders mask in “Return of the Jedi”. Or when Robin Williams face came off in Mrs. Doubtfire. Or Dustin Hoffman in “Tootsie”. Or even when Clark Kent took off his glasses, and somehow miraculously, Lois Lane put two and two together and realized, “Hey, wait a minute. This guy looks exactly like Superman.” Anyone that knows me, knows I’m a huge Superman nerd. Saw every episode of all 10 seasons of “Smallville”, seen all the movies, etc. But for such a legendary character in the TV world, isn’t it funny how none of the people who worked with Clark even had the slightest clue he was Superman, when all his persona wore differently was glasses? Baffling. Oh yeah, back to the Mask. He takes it off and basically Ashley doesn’t give a sh**. “I’m finally glad he took it off. He’s a lot older than I thought he was.” Translation: Jeff is ugly and that was a waste of time.
-I was fired up for the Bachelorette roast. Anyone that knows me knows what a huge fan I am of stand up comedy in general, and I’ve seen every roast on Comedy Central at least 10 times. Not that I thought the guys would even approach the comedic level on those shows, but it’d be interesting to see how many cowered and stayed away from ribbing Ashley for fear not getting any ass. And it was pretty much all of them outside of a few. Some of you may have thought even having a roast as a date was cruel, but hey, this is what she signed up for. And I thought Ashleys reaction to it was too much. Yes, I know she has insecurities about whether guys would like her, and whether or not she’d find love, and if the guys are attracted to her. I get that. But this is a roast. Have fun with it. Don’t take everything so seriously. My god, that was about the tamest roast ever. Sure, we didn’t get to hear all the jokes of every guy, but man, she took that really hard. If she were at a real roast, she would’ve gotten it 100 times worse than that. So here’s the breakdown of what they showed the guys saying and my grades on their humor:
Lucas: It was kinda funny we heard Jeff Ross introduce him by his full name, Lucas Daniels. “Ames, when’s your forehead gonna give birth?” Not bad. I give that one a B-. He also told Jeff the mask was a bad idea. Ya’ think? F for that joke.
Ryan: Lets see, he didn’t insult any of the guys, didn’t insult Ashley, and didn’t make anyone laugh. Other than that, he killed. He gets an F for his performance as well.
Ames: Made his own mask to make fun of Jeff. Another F.
Blake: Probably got the most time up on stage that we saw. Told one looooong joke. “Nicks got muscle, but if you take that away, you’ve got Bentley. Bentleys got good looks, but take that away and you’re left with Ames. Ames has intelligence, you take that away and you’ve got Ben. Without Bens suave, you’ve got Chris. Without Chris’ height, you get William. Take away all those things, you get an old guy with no personality (Jeff)”. Eh. He gets a C.
Jeff: Also got introduced by his full name, Jeff Medolla. This is where the “Ashley has small breasts jokes started”. Jeff bent down to pretend like he’s picking something up. “Ashley, I just picked up your tits.” Huh? Yes, she has a small chest, but that just doesn’t even make sense. F for him.
Nick: “William, your jokes are falling flat around the house, almost as flat as Ashley.” “First girl I’ve ever dated with a smaller chest than me.” Solid work. She’s the person you’re roasting, and he told two jokes about her chest that took some creativity. Solid B+ for Nick. He actually did what you’re supposed to do at a roast.
Ben F.: “Congratulations on being the third runner up from last season.” Wow. I guess Blake was right when he said Ben has no intelligence. Ben, this is how it works. Brad chose Emily, which makes Chantal the first runner up. Since Ashley was eliminated right before Chantal, that makes her the second runner up. She might’ve finished 3rd, but she was not the third runner up. Brainiac here gets and F.
Chris: “We should change the title from Bachelorette Season 7 to Brad Womacks leftovers.” Although rough, he did what he’s supposed to do. Solid B.
Bentley: “60% of guys aren’t here for the right reason. I know this because 60% of the men in America are boob guys.” Hmmmmm, I think that number is a bit low. I’d say it’s probably more in the 75-80% range of men being boob guys. Of course, I’m not one of them. Bentley gets a C.
William: Is it just me, or was what they showed William saying not nearly as bad as the reaction as Ashley had. What’s the difference between Chris saying Ashley is essentially Brads sloppy seconds and William saying what he said? They’re both equally brutal, but honest. William isn’t making anything up when he says they were expecting Chantal or Emily. That’s fact. For all those guys knew, it could’ve been one of them. The guy was just joking. It’s a roast. And then he said to donate to the Ashley boob fund? Harmless. The three previous guys made boob jokes.
-They only showed three jokes that William told and I’m sorry, NONE of them should’ve elicited the reaction that Ashley gave. If they chose not to show us other jokes that may have offended, then that’s on the show. I’m only going off what they showed us, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as they made it seem. So he must’ve said a hell of a lot worse things than what was shown to make her cry. Basically just means once this show is over, he should probably move to LA and take an improve class before thinking he’s gonna be headlining at Giggles or the Chuckle House anytime soon. “Roasting was the dumbest f***ing thing we could’ve done tonight. I’m an idiot.” Now he’s crying walking the streets of Hollywood by himself running god knows where. Ummmm, William? Hello? Get back here. Where the hell are you going? Running away isn’t going to solve anything. Especially on Sunset Blvd. You’re liable to get shanked, run into the douche patrol trying to get into a club, or offered sex by some prostitute. Probably should’ve just stayed inside with the rest of the boys. Who runs away crying unless they’re 5 years old?