-Time for Ames 1-on-1 date. He shows up barefoot and in white shorts. Lets hope he did that on the first day of “Bachelor Pad” too and got booted. He tells Ashley he’s actually been to Thailand before. Once to climb mountains after college and another time to take a cooking class. I think it’s safe to say that Ames has accomplished more than me in life. Just saying. He’s a go-getter. A risk taker. “I do everything last minute. The last minute is the best minute.” I know. Especially during sex. Well, the last few seconds at least. For us. I’m sure for a lot of women you’re disappointed when it ends. Not us. It’s like the 4th of July right there at the end. But how it’s possible to go from that high of high to that completely wiped out in a matter of seconds is one of worlds all time great mysteries. Anyway, where was I?
-These two take a boat out on the water. Somewhere Constant Sleep is jealous he couldn’t bore her out on a boat and had to do it on land. I’m sure that would’ve really ended well with him possibly putting her to sleep she got knocked overboard. Ashley is thoroughly enjoying her time on the boat. “I feel like we’re on the Titanic or something.” I feel like this episode is like watching “Titanic”. Don’t know when it’s gonna end, it’s boring up until the ship starts sinking, and guys like Ames (Jack) are throwing out cheesy lines left and right. Don’t believe me? Here’s a beauty Ames came up with as they were on a little raft paddling through caves. “Navigating these caves is like navigating a relationship.” Sorry Ames. I know you’re smarter than 99% of the people walking this planet, but that was just f**king stupid. Turn off the navigation GPS in your head and quit talking to like we’re your students. Ashley is probably turned on by his Ivy League status, but I’m not. I wouldn’t mind beating him with a shovel and stealing the Yale sweater off his back.
-As they pull up to shore, more talking about Ames and his accomplishments in life. As he tells her this, I realize that I’ve left my apartment twice today – to go to the gym and to eat lunch. Ames has visited 70 countries in his life. That’s 70 more than I have. Ok, Ames. You win. You are the worlds greatest human. Ashley: “Ever had a first date this extravagant?” Ashley, Ames is just happy to be on a date with something other than his laptop. I’m sure any date outside the Museum of Science is considering extravagant to him. But for whatever reason, Ashley is loving this whole date. “I’m afraid I would’ve overlooked Ames if Bentley was still here.” And there she goes again with the complete buzzkill of her date because Bentley is still on her brain. So basically did she just tell us, “Yeah, I never really liked Ames, when Bentley was here. But now that he’s not, hey, Ames has a great giant forehead to hold that big brain of his.” The show is getting weirder by the minute.
-Ames comes up with the cheesiest line of the season. Maybe ever. “I’ve learned today that she looks beautiful in all circumstances: rain or shine, day or night, at sea or land.” Ok. Barf. Who talks like that about a woman? Did he steal that straight out of a romance novel? Sorry but that wasn’t beautiful and spoken like a true gentleman. That was straight up corny. Any guy that utters verbage like that to describe a woman has probably only been around inflatable ones his whole life. Wes Hayden, the modern day Shakespeare, couldn’t come up with lines like that. At least Ashley and Ames agree on something that’s clearly evident to everyone watching: He’s a nerd. “We’re both nerdy.” I’d say he’s a little bit more nerdy than you, Ash. I think Ames has probably owned a few pocket protectors in his lifetime. I also think he won the Science project in middle school, was ASB Treasurer at some point, was in the Honors Society in High School, never went to his senior prom, and ate lunch with all the smart kids. And if he ever would’ve attended Adams College, I’m sure he could’ve stolen Betty away from Stan Gable. The khaki’s with the dark blue blazer on night one are all making a little more sense now with Ames.
-Ashley: “You’re different from a lot of the guys here.” Translation: You’re a nerd. Didn’t know if I’d made myself clear the first time I called you a nerd two minutes ago. Ashley’s really putting her foot in her mouth on this date. But what does Ames care? He’s got a warm, breathing female sitting inches away from him. In only minutes, he might actually get to sense what her tongue tastes like. Or not. “Ashley and I didn’t kiss tonight but we did something much more intimate than kiss. We talked about very serious things and I feel like we have a strong foundation to build on.” HOLY F***ING SH**! That sentence was so ridiculous on so many levels, I’m going to repeat it. In ALL CAPS. In bold. Ready?
“ASHLEY AND I DIDN’T KISS TONIGHT BUT WE DID SOMETHING MUCH MORE INTIMATE THAN KISS. WE TALKED ABOUT VERY SERIOUS THINGS AND I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE A STRONG FOUNDATION TO BUILD ON.”
I’m speechless. No really, I am. Ames, if you just had a 1-on-1 and got a rose, yet didn’t get a kiss, I hate to tell you this, but you were just thrown into the Friend Zone. Been there, done that. It f***in sucks. There’s no way out, you’re stuck forever, and you might as well cut your losses and just get out whenever you can. The chick has made out with every other guy on the show that she’s interested in and you just had her all to yourself and didn’t kiss her. Hope you didn’t leave your nuts in Thailand before going on “Bachelor Pad” because those chicks will eat you alive. Ames is gonna marry the first girl he lays.