-Mmmmmmm….time for some Muay Thai boxing. This is more like it. Not these pansy ass dates where you can’t grope someone in front of a temple. Lets have mano y mano battles versus each other for the right to eventually get dumped by Ashley and her giant insecurities. Oh what’s that Ames? Ames: “I’ve never been in a fight in my life.” Wow. Could’ve fooled me. You totally gave off the “bad ass” vibe. Or not. More like “book worm, pocket protector, and library card owner.” And the fact that he’s never been in a fight in his life, or done anything other than run 9 trillion marathons definitely didn’t show in his boxing skills. For a second, I was thinking to myself, “Is that Manny Pacquiao on the speed bag or Ames Brown?” Jackie, lets just pray when you two ever leave a movie theater that no one tries to jump you guys cuz Ames might just hand the guy your purse and cower in the fetal position. Lets hope there’s no Willie Lopez in your future because I highly doubt Ames is gonna pull a Sam Wheat for you. But hey, good luck to you two anyway. And oh yeah, after these guys were done training, they all got brand new gear to fight in and, surprise, Ames got to wear pink. To say pink is Ames’ color is to say that Bentley played Ashley like a fiddle. Even without the spoilers, you knew this wasn’t going to end well for our little Amesy. Getting punched by Ames Brown might feel like getting bitch slapped by a bag of feathers.
-So the guys find out they will be fighting each other. The matchups were as follows:
Blake vs Lucas: I don’t want to say Lucas got his ass kicked, but, Lucas got his ass kicked. When Blake basically brought this guy to a knee, you know you’ve had enough. At least his gloves and shorts weren’t pink. Poor Ames.
Mickey vs JP: Did JP get a steroid injection half way through the fight? The guy was getting pulverized for the first 30 seconds they showed by Mickey, then all the sudden, JP does his best Hulk Hogan impersonation and starts wailing away on Mickey like he’s, well, Ames. Mickey, you’re Irish. You should be able to beat scrawny guys from Long Island in your sleep. Getting used as a punching bag on national television couldn’t have felt too good. JP: “The Jew from Long Island kicked the Irishman’s ass”. I’ll stay away from religion talk since that’s a lose-lose situation. But have at it, JP.
Ames vs Ryan: I want to give Ryan credit for knocking Ames the f*** out, but I can’t. It’s Ames he was fighting. He might as well have walked into that ring in Hello Kitty shorts, My Little Pony headgear, and a Rainbow Brite fanny pack. It’s safe to say that not only was this Ames first fight, it’ll also be his last. From now on, just have Jackie fight for you big guy. It might go over better. However, in watching this fight, sure Ryan got in a couple good shots to the head, but didn’t it look like Mickey took more of a beating from JP than Ames did from Ryan?
Nick vs Constantine: This would’ve been the Heavyweight Championship Battle of 2011 if ABC actually decided to show it to us. Instead they focused in on a punch drunk Ames basically looking like he needed a drool cup. I guess that’s what happens when you keep ramming your face into Ryan’s fists for a whole round.
-So after the fight, Ames no doubt looked like he needed to have his meals in liquid form, so they decided to take him to the emergency room. This really had the morale down at the cocktail party, and Ashley shows off her Ivy League education by giving us this gem: “I had no idea it’d be such a bloody fight. I thought it’d be fun.” Hmmmm, so you put eight alpha males in a boxing ring, give them headgear, have them punch and kick each other mercilessly, yet you DIDN’T think this could end up happening? Exactly what were you expecting? These guys to get in the ring and start baking cakes? Maybe hold hands and prance around the ring while everyone else cheered? Sometimes I wonder about Ashleys thought process on things. Sure, her mind is mush right now because of Bentley, but I find it hard to believe Ashley didn’t think that maybe a bunch of hard headed guys vying for her love weren’t gonna find a way to knock the snot out of each other once they got in the ring. Call me crazy.