-Ashley sits down with some of the guys at the cocktail party and starts to realize that maybe Muay Thai was a bad idea. Of course this makes no sense at all since she didn’t plan a thing, yet she has to act like she did. Ryan says he felt bad that he sent Ames to the emergency room, but “that’s what happens when you put me in the ring with a p***y.” Or something like that. Unbelievably enough, Ryan’s face, nose, and arms were a little scarred up. Certainly that didn’t come from Ames since his punches wouldn’t leave a mark on a newborn baby. Which goes to prove last night that there was more fighting, like the spoilers indicated, they just decided not to show it for whatever reason. Of the four winners, Constantine and JP decided to bow out, and Ryan fought Blake to declare the ultimate winner. Blake won. No idea why they decided not to show this. I guess they had to focus more on Ames losing brain cells and getting wheeled around Chiang Mai in pink shorts and gloves.
-Mickeys turn to talk to Ashley and she’s still talking about the fights. Ashley: “I don’t even want to know what it’s like to get hit.” Well, you’re surely talking to the right guy, sister. Cuz Mickey knows all about getting knocked the f*** out. Of course, he tries to deflect all the attention off the fact that the Long Island Jew beat his ass into a submission, and turns it towards Ames the Labia. “Ames had never been punched before. And unless you’ve taken a punch, you really don’t know how it’s gonna feel.” Ok, Mr. Expert. I’m guessing Cosmo Magazines Bachelor of the Year 2010 who works as a chef hasn’t been getting his ass kicked since he was a little boy. What, someone want to fight you because you put too much cayenne pepper on their salmon? Maybe the chocolate soufflé was a little too sweet and someone wanted to throw right there in the restaurant? Look, I know these guys all have egos and need to impress Ashley, but lets back up a bit here and quit pretending you’ve gotten your ass handed to you before like it happens frequently. Shut up, go put your apron on, and get back in the kitchen. Ha. Never said that to a dude before. Usually it’s to my woman with the remote in one hand and my other hand down my pants.
-Ames shows up after getting released from the emergency room, and even with a concussion, still has absolutely no fashion sense when it comes to his wardrobe. Going with the white khaki pants and blue blazer that he stole from his dad. Ames head is still a little wobbly right now. “I can’t speak to Ashley because my head is not working.” Oh Ames. You poor sap. Sounds like a personal problem that you need to get checked out. You know, there are little blue pills you can take for that. Ashley: “What did the doctor tell you?” Ames: “That I’m totally in love and I have a concussion.” Man, Ames’ head is really jacked up if he’s spewing off garbage like that. Maybe this wasn’t all staged for the sake of drama even though Mickey took a hell of a bigger beating than he did. Who knows? Maybe Ames was truly in love with Ashley at the time. He must’ve been if he agreed to wear pink gloves and shorts out in public. I don’t care if it was in another country or not, that is never acceptable. Why not just add a murse or a fannypack while you’re at to complete the look?
-We skip away from this cocktail party back to the hotel where the date card arrives. You know what this one says, “Guide me to love.” Four words. That’s it. These producers really suck at card writing. Then William shows America truly how much of a dork he is. “Who has two thumbs and is gonna win the rose on the 2-on-1? This guy.” Let me just say something right now. Anyone who uses the “this guy” gimmick as a punchline to one of their jokes while pointing to themselves is not funny. That joke may have been funny in 2005, but it’s getting kinda old now. Kinda like saying “That’s how I roll” is completely outdated. Sure, when Jack Black said it in Anchorman after kicking Baxter off the bridge, it was hilarious. Not so much anymore. So please, lets eliminate all “this guy” and “that’s how I roll” punchlines from now until the end of eternity. And while you’re we’re at it, any use of the phrase “winning” and “you so 2000 and late” deserves a severe beating that could result in blood, vomiting, and your intestines getting ripped out by my bare hands. Just saying.
-Blakes turn to make an appearance on this show that didn’t center around whining about Ryan. Seems a little shy around Ashley and says that he would “love for this to work out and keep progressing. I don’t trust relationships that are hot out of the gate.” So basically Blake, let me get this straight, you think that hooking up right away with someone is not a good idea when it comes to relationships and you’d rather take it really slow at first? Got it. Actually, that’s some good advice to live by and you’re probably right. Now, if you actually practiced what you preached, maybe I’d actually believe you truly meant it. But come “Bachelor Pad”, I’m guessing you will live to regret that statement. Oh Blake, Blake, Blake. Probably shouldn’t have uttered that sentence because I for one am not gonna let you live that down. That one’s gonna come back to bite you in the ass. But hey, you keep believing the diarrhea that is spilling out of your mouth and try and convince all of America what great dude you are.
-Lucas’ turn to get some alone time with Ashley. This was an awkward exchange:
Ashley: “So I heard you boxed?”
Lucas: “No, I’m a golfer.”
Ummmm yeah, could those two things possibly be any more different? So of course, once she knows the guy is a golfer, she no doubt has to ask for an impromptu golf lesson without any clubs. Basically, Lucas got to cop a cheap feel. I mean, there isn’t anything that screams, “lets simulate a sexual position with our clothes on” more than a guy teaching a girl how to swing a golf club. I’m sure Ashley doesn’t give a rats ass about golf and was told to do this for TV sake. And for Lucas’ penis. And Ashley really liked the golf lesson. “Lucas is pretty smooth with the ladies. Fore!” Did someone tell her to say that phrase too? And was she loopy at this point? My gosh, someone must’ve overflowed her wine because she was all giggly and acting stupid. And oh yeah, to bring the mood down, Lucas tells Ashley she’s attracted to Bentley. If the tone of the evening already wasn’t in the dumps, Lucas just added to it. Man, you just got to dry hump the chick and now you’re telling her she’s attracted to someone else? You sure know how to woo the ladies.
-Blake ends up getting the rose, and I don’t want to say that was horrible editing, but ummmmm, that was horrible editing. She obviously gave Blake the rose during her time of talking to him. However, when they show her giving the rose, it’s after they show her having alone time with Lucas, even though Blake is sitting in the same exact spot he was when they had their alone time. That was completely shown out of sequence. After Blake had his alone time, why would he continue to sit by himself? Wouldn’t he go back and sit with the other guys like, oh I don’t know, everyone else in the history of this show has done? Bad editing job, people. That was clear. Blake: “If Ashley and I got married, when we look back on Chiang Mai, we can say this is where we fell in love.” Uhhhhh, yeah. That’s not happening. You’re not marrying Ashley. Maybe you’ll marry your little fling, or flings shall I say, on “Bachelor Pad”, but we certainly know it won’t be Ashley. I’d say Blake recovered rather quickly from the heartbreak of Ashley. So which two chicks does he get with on “Bachelor Pad”? You’ll know soon enough.