-Ashley introduces us to Fiji by telling us it’s the greatest place in the history of the world. Basically, no different than what any other “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” says on their final destination dates. And lets be honest, they’re not taking these people to anywhere crappy, so in essence, all of them are right. Bahamas, Fiji, South Africa, St. Lucia, New Zealand, Tahiti, etc. Like any of us would turn any of these locations down for a vacation. Ashley: “Fiji is the ultimate place to fall in love, hopefully get engaged, and find my true love here.” Oh yes it is. It’s also the place where you get dumped for a third time this season. Ouch. First Bentley, then Mickey, and now Constant Sleep. Must be tough getting the ax from a guy who was tossing your salad a week earlier, yet, is the least excitable human being on the planet. Then to offset his complete boredom, you had to deal with Mr. Happy Pants skipping through Fiji so excited to see the same girl who showed no interest in him for the first 8 weeks. Weird dynamic I tell ya’.
-Ashley runs through each guy’s journey up to this point, pretty much exactly like what she did last week, so they must’ve not had enough footage of her dry humping JP so they had to fill at the beginning of the show.
Ben: “He’s everything I’ve been looking for and there’s never a dull moment with him.” Well, except when he talks. And shows about as much excitability towards anything as someone in ICU would. I think it’s funny how at the end of the show when they’re down to two, it’s nothing but the producers telling Ashley, “Ok, tell us all the things you love about each guy and we’ll be sure to air those. Could you see yourself marrying him? Are you falling in love with him? Could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Recording in three…two…one…action!”
Constantine: “He’s got a really good head on his shoulders and can handle situations in a mature way.” Yeah, like dumping you before getting sexy time in the room. That was real mature. You can say he did the gentlemanly thing, but hey, even horny Ashley was like, “Uhhhh…whaaaa? Didn’t he wanna see if I was good in bed at least? Damn him.”
JP: “He’s such a sincere guy, he’s a grown man, he’s been through a lot, everything he says to me he’s so sincere and you have to question anything…After that first date, I knew things would get pretty serious.” Pretty serious, like, you’re gonna ask him to go around next week? Pretty serious, like, you’re gonna take him to the Sadie Hawkins dance? Or pretty pretty serious, like, you’re gonna dance to song A-12 with him?
Damn. I’d say that’s pretty serious. I can’t believe Zack would do that to Kelly! You bastard! You deserve a Chantal O slap across the face. Don’t you ever do that to her again! And the blonde not giving you the ass either should’ve taught you a lesson.
-I especially like the scene with Ashley writing in her journal on the couch. Not many people know this, but Ashley left that page in her journal that she was writing in at her hotel that day. A housekeeper found it, and whaddya’ know, the Fijian housekeeper is a Reality Steve fan so she emailed it to me. Her handwriting was a little sloppy, but here’s what I could make out it said:
“If things continue the way they’re going right now, this could be a very happy ending for me.” I wanna know what else she was writing in that journal. Maybe things like, “I wonder how much longer it’s gonna take Ryan to knock at the door? The producers told me he’d be here 15 minutes ago but this is taking forever. Ugh. Can’t we just get this scene over with? Is it necessary we really needed him to come back only to get dumped again? How come there’s always an issue once it gets down to the final 3? Jeremy came back after DeAnna let him go, Frank left Ali, Brad let me go early, now Constantine is about to drop the ‘Peace the f**k out’ on me…man, every season it’s like the same thing, just with different people. Reality Steve tells us that every season, but no one seems to listen. Man, I wonder if he’s gonna be dead on about all the details on my season. I sure hope he is. XOXOXO”
Glad I could come through again this season, Ash. Don’t mention it.