-Sweeeeeeeet. Time for Constant Sleep’s date. This is gonna be awesome. He’s so excited and invested into the process you just know this is gonna be such an excit….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Yeah, pretty much. You know what Constantine first said when he saw Ashley? “I’ve got a euro mullet. I need a hair cut so bad.” Dude, your hair has looked exactly the same all season – long and greasy. But glad you’re worried about YOUR looks when you haven’t seen Ashley in probably a week. Always about you, isn’t it Dino? Whatever. Lets get this date over with as soon as possible. Hey look at this, our first helicopter date of the season. They helicopter over all the Fiji Islands and Ashley can’t believe what she’s seeing. “I’ve never seen water so blue.” Ummmm, ok. Yeah, I’m guessing the beaches of Maine don’t really have the same look as Fijian beaches. Can’t imagine why she’s never seen blue water like that before. So strange. “Flying over Fiji is breathtaking. I have Greek God to my left, and crystal blue waters below me. I could not picture a more perfect date.” Well, unless JP was with you, there’s always that. Now Constantine is a Greek God? Interesting. And this whole time I just figured he was a pizza boy at the family restaurant. Hairmopolis? Boringazeus?
-Not that we already didn’t know this, but the next scene pretty much summed up the “Bachelorette” and all it’s corniness. As Ashley and Constant Sleep are flying overhead, they pan down to sea level and Ryan is standing there supposedly looking up at them as they fly by, which obviously wasn’t the case since they never showed one complete shot of the helicopter then right down to Ryan. They showed him down there looking up into the sky and dubbed in a helicopter sound to make you think he was watching. Are we really supposed to believe they told him, “Ok Ryan, we’re gonna send you out there so you can watch Ashley and Constantine’s helicopter fly by?” They had plenty of other scenes with Ryan walking around aimlessly, even one of him curled up in a cave for God knows what reason. And considering Ryan at this point wouldn’t even know who’s left since when he exited the show there will still five guys remaining, Ashley being on a date and having Ryan watch a helicopter fly by is completely inconsequential to anything that’s really going on. But for dramatic effect, lets put this guy out there in middle of the water to make it seem like he’s more of a loner out there.
-Ashley and the Greek God head on over to the waterfall and jump off that. Now that would be cool. Never done that before and would definitely love to do that someday. With Ashley, not Constantine. Or any female with a pulse. Whichever works. My favorite part of the whole episode came up next as they sit down for a little picnic and discuss the fact that Constantine is still sitting in the dugout while Ben and JP are basically getting fitted for condoms at this point. Ashley: “He’s still more closed off than anyone else.” I could be wrong here, but it’s probably because he wants to go home and is shocked he even made it this far. So Ashley comes up with a very clever way to ask him basically how come he hasn’t tried to maul her at any point this season. “Let me ask you this because it totally relates to our relationship. How many houses did you look at before you bought a house?” Translation: Why do you have to look over the menu 100 times before ordering from it? Constantine: “Well, a house is different from a person.” Gee, thanks for filling me in on that one. I had no clue. This date is like a snowball rolling downhill with nothing in its path. Oh, and it’s getting even better.
-They both take a sip of wine and had this exchange:
Dino: “Very fruity. Ben taught me that.”
Oh I’m sure he did. Was that during your intimate moments waking up in the spooning position next to him every morning? Or you mean just in the shower where no one else could see you? Ashley: “Is it weird that you and your friend are dating the same girl?” He then goes into an explanation which pretty much reassures Ashley that he’d much rather know that Ben lay pipe to her than him. Which is pretty much the same thing since Ben and Constantine basically live vicariously through each other. Ashley is so confused by all this, but really it’s pretty simple. Ashley: “Are you every overly consumed by your emotions? I don’t feel like you even wanna hold my hand sometimes.” But see, technically he has already done all that stuff because he and Ben are the same person. In Constantine’s mind, he’s already held your hand numerous times, and kissed you without tongue 1,000 times, and you straddled him in your bikini rubbing lotion on him. Basically Ashley wants some reassurance from the guy that he even likes her and Constantine is, well, not giving her any because he doesn’t. For those who live in the Eastern and Central time zones, this was the exact point where the show took a break for 25 minutes so we could hear Obama and Boehner talk about stuff I had no idea about. Debt, schmet. Constantine’s about to drop the hammer on Ashley dammit!
-Look, I will never talk politics in this column because there’s no point. First, I don’t follow it much at all, and secondly, anything you say when talking politics is discredited by someone of the other party, so it’s pointless. However, in regards to last night’s speeches, I gotta say this: Huh? They were pretty much talking Chinese to me last night. I’m well aware this country faces a major deficit, but it was actually comical to hear things like “America might lose it’s Triple A credit rating” and “we can’t pay our bills.” Really? I didn’t know this. Like, the electric bill is about to expire and Obama can’t scratch out a check for it so we’re all gonna lose power? Hey man, put it on the credit card. Pay the minimum and we’ll catch up next month. That’s what we all do anyway. Triple A credit rating? You mean America has a FICO score? It was fascinating listening to both speeches considering the stuff that I could make out of what they were trying to explain to me was laughable. I didn’t know the collection agency was a week away from showing up at America’s door looking to repo some stuff. Uh oh. That can’t be good. Look, I’m not taking a stance either way because I have no idea what they were talking about. I will be the first to claim ignorance on that subject. Judge me if you must. I don’t care. Sorry. Politics aren’t for me. Back to our regularly scheduled program.
-You know what was hilarious? The fact that the “Bachelorette” picks up exactly where they left off (which is amazing in itself that the country is about to have a 30 day late on some bills, yet, they felt the “Bachelorette” was still important enough NOT to just eliminate the time spent away from the show), and the first words out of Ashley’s mouth from the interruption are, “Where does that leave us now?” Ha ha. It was like she just listened to Obama and even she was confused as to what the hell is going on. Perfect timing, O. Constantine basically says out of respect for Ashley, he told himself that he wouldn’t hold back anything if he felt it was there, but it’s not. “This means the end of the road for me.” At this point, rather than play the sappy music they play all the time when someone leaves, I thought that would’ve been a perfect segue to break into this:
One of the best slow songs of all-time. This was the last song of the night at my high school Grad Night in 1993. It was late, people were crying, and I believe I was outside making one of those videos to “Me So Horny.” Go figure. And if you think I’m lying, I still have the proof. That video is in the archives of all-time classics. Me and two of my boys making complete fools of ourselves. I believe I even started humping the keyboard at one point. Good times. “End of the Road” was just finishing up as we came inside, so we missed all the sadness, and I missed my chance to console some poor 18 year old girl who was sad to be leaving high school. Dammit. Missed opportunities. Oh well. At least I have the “Me So Horny” memories to go off of.
-Constantine gets up, gives her a half ass hug, and leaves. Not only that, but dude left a full drink and full plate of food on the table. What was he thinking? At least get your grub in a to-go box or something. You think tiny Ashley is gonna scarf that down? There are kids starving in Africa and you left a whole mess of food on your table, not to mention a fruity drink that could’ve gotten you more sauced that night. Pops is not gonna be happy with you. Not only for not finishing your food, but he’ll never get to see Asslee again. What a shame. Speaking of her, now she’s left with a date card to read and no one to go with her. “What if I end up all alone and all of this was for nothing?” There, there Ashley. Shhhhhh, it’s gonna be ok. Please tell me they at least let her stay in the fantasy suite alone that night? Just because Constantine left doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have access to the room. I mean, c’mon. It’s the least they could do after she got dumped for a third time this season. Let the girl double click her mouse thinking about the next day’s date with JP in private. It’s the respectful thing to do.