Reality Steve

The Bachelorette 7 - Ashley

The “Bachelorette” Recap – 7/25/11 With Your “Men Tell All” Spoilers Including “What Happened at the After Party?”

-Sweeeeeeeet. Time for Constant Sleep’s date. This is gonna be awesome. He’s so excited and invested into the process you just know this is gonna be such an excit….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Yeah, pretty much. You know what Constantine first said when he saw Ashley? “I’ve got a euro mullet. I need a hair cut so bad.” Dude, your hair has looked exactly the same all season – long and greasy. But glad you’re worried about YOUR looks when you haven’t seen Ashley in probably a week. Always about you, isn’t it Dino? Whatever. Lets get this date over with as soon as possible. Hey look at this, our first helicopter date of the season. They helicopter over all the Fiji Islands and Ashley can’t believe what she’s seeing. “I’ve never seen water so blue.” Ummmm, ok. Yeah, I’m guessing the beaches of Maine don’t really have the same look as Fijian beaches. Can’t imagine why she’s never seen blue water like that before. So strange. “Flying over Fiji is breathtaking. I have Greek God to my left, and crystal blue waters below me. I could not picture a more perfect date.” Well, unless JP was with you, there’s always that. Now Constantine is a Greek God? Interesting. And this whole time I just figured he was a pizza boy at the family restaurant. Hairmopolis? Boringazeus?

-Not that we already didn’t know this, but the next scene pretty much summed up the “Bachelorette” and all it’s corniness. As Ashley and Constant Sleep are flying overhead, they pan down to sea level and Ryan is standing there supposedly looking up at them as they fly by, which obviously wasn’t the case since they never showed one complete shot of the helicopter then right down to Ryan. They showed him down there looking up into the sky and dubbed in a helicopter sound to make you think he was watching. Are we really supposed to believe they told him, “Ok Ryan, we’re gonna send you out there so you can watch Ashley and Constantine’s helicopter fly by?” They had plenty of other scenes with Ryan walking around aimlessly, even one of him curled up in a cave for God knows what reason. And considering Ryan at this point wouldn’t even know who’s left since when he exited the show there will still five guys remaining, Ashley being on a date and having Ryan watch a helicopter fly by is completely inconsequential to anything that’s really going on. But for dramatic effect, lets put this guy out there in middle of the water to make it seem like he’s more of a loner out there.

-Ashley and the Greek God head on over to the waterfall and jump off that. Now that would be cool. Never done that before and would definitely love to do that someday. With Ashley, not Constantine. Or any female with a pulse. Whichever works. My favorite part of the whole episode came up next as they sit down for a little picnic and discuss the fact that Constantine is still sitting in the dugout while Ben and JP are basically getting fitted for condoms at this point. Ashley: “He’s still more closed off than anyone else.” I could be wrong here, but it’s probably because he wants to go home and is shocked he even made it this far. So Ashley comes up with a very clever way to ask him basically how come he hasn’t tried to maul her at any point this season. “Let me ask you this because it totally relates to our relationship. How many houses did you look at before you bought a house?” Translation: Why do you have to look over the menu 100 times before ordering from it? Constantine: “Well, a house is different from a person.” Gee, thanks for filling me in on that one. I had no clue. This date is like a snowball rolling downhill with nothing in its path. Oh, and it’s getting even better.

-They both take a sip of wine and had this exchange:

Ashley: “Fruity.”
Dino: “Very fruity. Ben taught me that.”

Oh I’m sure he did. Was that during your intimate moments waking up in the spooning position next to him every morning? Or you mean just in the shower where no one else could see you? Ashley: “Is it weird that you and your friend are dating the same girl?” He then goes into an explanation which pretty much reassures Ashley that he’d much rather know that Ben lay pipe to her than him. Which is pretty much the same thing since Ben and Constantine basically live vicariously through each other. Ashley is so confused by all this, but really it’s pretty simple. Ashley: “Are you every overly consumed by your emotions? I don’t feel like you even wanna hold my hand sometimes.” But see, technically he has already done all that stuff because he and Ben are the same person. In Constantine’s mind, he’s already held your hand numerous times, and kissed you without tongue 1,000 times, and you straddled him in your bikini rubbing lotion on him. Basically Ashley wants some reassurance from the guy that he even likes her and Constantine is, well, not giving her any because he doesn’t. For those who live in the Eastern and Central time zones, this was the exact point where the show took a break for 25 minutes so we could hear Obama and Boehner talk about stuff I had no idea about. Debt, schmet. Constantine’s about to drop the hammer on Ashley dammit!

-Look, I will never talk politics in this column because there’s no point. First, I don’t follow it much at all, and secondly, anything you say when talking politics is discredited by someone of the other party, so it’s pointless. However, in regards to last night’s speeches, I gotta say this: Huh? They were pretty much talking Chinese to me last night. I’m well aware this country faces a major deficit, but it was actually comical to hear things like “America might lose it’s Triple A credit rating” and “we can’t pay our bills.” Really? I didn’t know this. Like, the electric bill is about to expire and Obama can’t scratch out a check for it so we’re all gonna lose power? Hey man, put it on the credit card. Pay the minimum and we’ll catch up next month. That’s what we all do anyway. Triple A credit rating? You mean America has a FICO score? It was fascinating listening to both speeches considering the stuff that I could make out of what they were trying to explain to me was laughable. I didn’t know the collection agency was a week away from showing up at America’s door looking to repo some stuff. Uh oh. That can’t be good. Look, I’m not taking a stance either way because I have no idea what they were talking about. I will be the first to claim ignorance on that subject. Judge me if you must. I don’t care. Sorry. Politics aren’t for me. Back to our regularly scheduled program.

-You know what was hilarious? The fact that the “Bachelorette” picks up exactly where they left off (which is amazing in itself that the country is about to have a 30 day late on some bills, yet, they felt the “Bachelorette” was still important enough NOT to just eliminate the time spent away from the show), and the first words out of Ashley’s mouth from the interruption are, “Where does that leave us now?” Ha ha. It was like she just listened to Obama and even she was confused as to what the hell is going on. Perfect timing, O. Constantine basically says out of respect for Ashley, he told himself that he wouldn’t hold back anything if he felt it was there, but it’s not. “This means the end of the road for me.” At this point, rather than play the sappy music they play all the time when someone leaves, I thought that would’ve been a perfect segue to break into this:

One of the best slow songs of all-time. This was the last song of the night at my high school Grad Night in 1993. It was late, people were crying, and I believe I was outside making one of those videos to “Me So Horny.” Go figure. And if you think I’m lying, I still have the proof. That video is in the archives of all-time classics. Me and two of my boys making complete fools of ourselves. I believe I even started humping the keyboard at one point. Good times. “End of the Road” was just finishing up as we came inside, so we missed all the sadness, and I missed my chance to console some poor 18 year old girl who was sad to be leaving high school. Dammit. Missed opportunities. Oh well. At least I have the “Me So Horny” memories to go off of.

-Constantine gets up, gives her a half ass hug, and leaves. Not only that, but dude left a full drink and full plate of food on the table. What was he thinking? At least get your grub in a to-go box or something. You think tiny Ashley is gonna scarf that down? There are kids starving in Africa and you left a whole mess of food on your table, not to mention a fruity drink that could’ve gotten you more sauced that night. Pops is not gonna be happy with you. Not only for not finishing your food, but he’ll never get to see Asslee again. What a shame. Speaking of her, now she’s left with a date card to read and no one to go with her. “What if I end up all alone and all of this was for nothing?” There, there Ashley. Shhhhhh, it’s gonna be ok. Please tell me they at least let her stay in the fantasy suite alone that night? Just because Constantine left doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have access to the room. I mean, c’mon. It’s the least they could do after she got dumped for a third time this season. Let the girl double click her mouse thinking about the next day’s date with JP in private. It’s the respectful thing to do.

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30 Comments

30 Comments

  1. poddington

    July 26, 2011 at 10:02 AM

    I think its funny Asslee wore a bra to bed with JP. I mean this girl has been braless the whole season. Going to sleep and/or having sexy time are 2 reasons not to wear a bra….and now she decides to wear one?

  2. shari253

    July 26, 2011 at 10:27 AM

    Haha, great recap Steve! But I can’t believe you didn’t mention one of the funniest “edits” of the night. On one of the “Coming up next” clips when they showed Poor Ryan alone out on the rocks with the helicopter sounds dubbed in, they also dubbed in the sound of Constantine and Ashley laughing! Like they were looking down laughing at Ryan. We later learn that it was just their excited laughter at flying over the blue water. But that moment was priceless!

    OK, you call him Constant-sleep, but he is way more animated than Ben-asleep. Constantine got all excited when he saw the helicopter. He was jumping around, laughing, and exclaiming. When Ben-asleep saw the gorgeous yaght he simply muttered, “Nice boat.” At one time Ben-sleep actually said with no expression at all, “I’m beaming from ear to ear.” My husband and I turned to each other with confused looks and simultaneously said, “Whaaat?!” I think Ben-alseep is using the show to practice his poker face before heading to Vegas!

  3. morrigan0

    July 26, 2011 at 10:27 AM

    ABC is so sneaky with the Bentley fake out, also read elsewhere an interview with Chris from last week saying we’d have a new front runner this week. Thank you RS for explaining the black band on Ben’s overnight, it annoyed me for a while. If I wasn’t privy to this site and Ben/Britt info I might think the whole JP thing was a fake out similar to Chantal(cp?) last season, it just seems so obvious for them.

  4. CaliGirl

    July 26, 2011 at 10:44 AM

    I’m with you on the politics, Steve. I don’t pretend to understand everything and that is fine with me. I live in CA so didn’t have to worry about Obama cutting in while I was watching it. Love your recaps and I literally laughed out loud at work when you felt the need to clarify that you’d love to jump off a waterfall with a female, not Constantine. BTW did I read somewhere that you went to Los Al High? I live nearby and if I ever have kids that is where they’ll go.

  5. realitypeggy

    July 26, 2011 at 11:00 AM

    Thanks for the recap, Steve. I started a new drinking game last night where I throw back a shot every time Ashley sucks her lips up into her face, and I was too s#!tfaced to remember the last 45 minutes of the show. Didn’t you love how she described Fiji as perfect, beautiful, where the sun shines all the time, and then every shot after that it was raining? Ha!

  6. CC

    July 26, 2011 at 11:01 AM

    I can’t believe that Constant Sleep made it to the final 3. Then again, I don’t think he could either. They are SO grooming Ryan to be the next Bachelor. Does anyone else think he resembles Scott Speedman from the old TV show “Felicity”? The producers had better find some energetic gals to keep up with him.

  7. scrantonicity

    July 26, 2011 at 11:15 AM

    Steve, you’re so right…Obama cut in right when Constant Sleep was dumping her….I couldn’t have been madder!

    I’m surprised you didn’t mention those awful water shoes Constant Sleep had on before jumping from the waterfall!!….I thought at first maybe the rocks were especially rough but Ashley didn’t even have shoes on, so no clue what that was about. Not to mention, he was wearing old man navy blue shorts that looked like they had an elasticized waist…awful

  8. AATxCutee

    July 26, 2011 at 11:17 AM

    ZOMG, how does any one person say so much NOTHING in six pages, over and over again? Steve, your recaps this season are as snooze-worthy as Ashley has been being the Bachelorette.

    BRING BACK REID ROSENTHAL TO SAVE THIS FRANCHISE!!!

  9. ark13

    July 26, 2011 at 11:37 AM

    Ashley’s season is suprising to me. On Brad’s season, I thought she seemed somewhat immature and wishy-washy. Now she seems intelligent(except for Bentley) and really ready for a relationship.

    I like her with JP, he is the clearest front runner I can remember in all the seasons I’ve watched. Ben’s a nice guy, but it is clear they don’t have the right connection. I wonder how much she was faking her feelings for him on the overnight date?

    I thought Constant Sleep was kind of interesting this episode. At least he was very honest (before the fantasy suite).

    Ryan is a little annoying, but he seems sincere and might make a good bachelor?? I’d be interested to see the women they choose for him, they’d have to be smart, environmental.

  10. mommyof2

    July 26, 2011 at 11:51 AM

    I actually thought Ben looked pretty sexy on their overnight date. I thought he kind of looked like one of the disney heroes (the prince on the ship in The Little Mermaid) in his thin, flowy shirt. I did notice the black mic pack through it, though. He also had a hair cut, which looked a lot better. I thought he looked the best of the season on this date.

    I don’t think Constantine is very good-looking though (I know he and Ben look somewhat alike b/c of the hair, but Ben is better-looking). But, I do really respect the fact that he was honest w/ Ashley in telling her he wasn’t interested and then leaving before the fantasy suite. That was classy. I do feel bad for Ashley that so many guys left her this season b/c they weren’t interested in her, but that’s better than them leading her on.

    I agree that Ryan was brought back by the producers in order to try to gain sympathy from viewers so that people would want him to be the next bachelor. But, I think they failed miserably in gaining sympathy for him. To me, he just looked desperate and creepy; my husband called him a stalker when they showed that shot of him looking up in the sky as if he’s looking at the helicopter date. Weird.

  11. sksksk

    July 26, 2011 at 11:54 AM

    The best part of the night was at the end when they showed the “out-take” of Ashley and Ben in the salon on the boat laughing about his and her toes! Why can’t they edit in more “real time/talk” episodes like that, instead of the crap we have to see every Monday??? Personally – I wish she had chosen Ben over JP. I tend to agree with her sister….JP is just a little too serious and controlling for my head-strong, independent, Texas blood!

  12. derval

    July 26, 2011 at 12:10 PM

    Yes–they are DEF grooming Ryan as the next “Bachelor.”

  13. Sunnyside422

    July 26, 2011 at 12:14 PM

    Please no to Ryan as Bachelor despite his audition in Fiji! I’d feel like throwing something at the TV watching him sob and cry his way through a season with a bunch of woman who would realize early on he is a total dork! Not sexy or attractive at all. He is a drama Queen…not thinkin he is gay, but he sure prances around enough. His high energy would be wearing in no time!

    About Constantine…when daddy told him not to rush and time was needed to know someone, I went uhh ohh, he’s gonna back out (course I also knew since Steve mentioned his leaving in an unusual way). Personally I think he wanted a free trip to Fiji so thus stayed as long as he could. She could have picked others along the way but kept him…why I’ll never know. Totally turned off by the hank of hair…both he and Ben…not attractive at all! Just a mess.

    Laughed out loud at JP and Ben being fitted for condoms! Ahhh Steve you bring joy to the sad world at reality TV! Poor Ben is low key, he is asleep most of the time. Can he truly be on some medication? Let’s hope he has a more animated personality with Britt than he displays. His sister and mom were cold beyond words so not gonna embrace any woman he brings home. He is their little boy and they won’t let him go.

    Okay…what can I say about sexy, totally put together JP! Like him and have from the beginning. He is one fine man and God help him he seems like he is totally enthralled by Ashley. Can’t help feeling he could do a lot better, but who knows. They could be the couple who live happily forever so what do I know! I found it odd they just stood in the water (her mike pac clearly visable on her back) and why the hell didn’t he take his shirt off! Loved looking at Roberto’s fine bod!

    Then they get to the FS and though she was braless numnerous times, chooses to wear bra and panties under a see through whatever she had on! Even snank Vienna put on the sexiest nightie on record before she bonked Fakey Jakey. Her fake boobs were in full display and he knew what he was getting that night.

    JP definitely gets an A+ in the kissing department, hands down! How could she not pick the hottie? She may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but she is not totally stupid.

  14. jojo

    July 26, 2011 at 12:41 PM

    Ok, it’s been bugging me all season who Assleeeeee reminds me of, and it’s Mara Wilson, the girl who played the title role in the movie “Matilda”…check it out:
    http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1613860352/nm0933798

  15. nofanofdan

    July 26, 2011 at 12:48 PM

    Couldn’t wait to read your column today – espcially her date with Constantine. The first thing he actually said to Ashley was, “Ben got a haircut, now I need one.”

    Also, regarding Ryan. There was something odd in the editing with him. I thought (would need to check the tapes, and not sure I really care at this point) Ryan was wearing the yellow shirt on the beach during Ashley’s date with Constantine. He says he’s been waiting 2 days for her to respond. Then we see her go to his room, and he’s wearing the yellow shirt. So I would guess she saw him the morning of her date with Constantine.

  16. morrigan0

    July 26, 2011 at 2:23 PM

    Couldn’t Ryan have shaved? C’mon you’re supposedly making a last ditch attempt and show up looking like that? Some guys it works for but not Ryan.

    I second the No vote for Ryan as bachelor and I think Reid would be an interesting option, however he seems to be dating a ex missUSA for about a year and a half now so not likely. I don’t dislike Ryan I just don’t think he’d make good tv, give me someone either hotter or more temperamental and it should be ok.

  17. erica

    July 26, 2011 at 3:34 PM

    Love your site Steve! Just wondering if anyone saw “Bachelorette Beatdown” last night? Nick was on their and basically confirmed JP has a bad temper, but said nothing but good things about all the other guys. Oh and Natalie wasn’t shy about hitting on him & posted a cute pic of them on Twitter. Sad I know all this, thanks insomnia!

    Britt was on there but seemed pretty much poker faced (except for some smiles) whenever they mentioned Ben. Seems like all the past contestant were in agreement that Ryan should not be the next Bachelor.

    So over this season, bring on “Bachelor Pad” and keep up the great work Steve!

  18. erica

    July 26, 2011 at 3:37 PM

    oops! their = there! No more glass of wine after work on a Tuesday! 🙂

  19. rs607

    July 26, 2011 at 5:04 PM

    PLEASE post the info. you know about JP & Ashley that point to him being the F1 after the show. That’s the stuff that makes us love your site! I was just telling someone the other day that your spoilers are actually what the Bach series fun to watch still – otherwise I would have stopped a long time ago. I was sick of being totally disappointed or angry at the end of every season b/c of their mindF that they do on the viewers and just had to quit, but since your spoilers, I get to enjoy the show. I could not have handled the stress of not knowing if JP makes it to the end or not this season w/o your help and would have had to stop watching. Thanks for making this show so much more fun to watch.

    You give this show a lot of free publicity and make a lot more people enjoy it than not, they should be paying you. Thanks for the spoilers and behind the scenes info. of JP and Ashley. They are my favorite couple so far and may have the best chance for a happy marriage of any couple ever. Plus JP is literally the hottest man ever to be on this show – not just looks, but pure sincerity, kindness, sexiness – he should make a vid on how to properly kiss a woman. It will make him a gazillionaire.

  20. texasgal174

    July 26, 2011 at 6:15 PM

    I could actually see Ashley and JP in an interview with Chris Harrison arguing like Jake and Vienna(Sausage) did after they broke up. All though I picture the Agrument with Ashley and JP a lot worse.

    He is too jealous and some what controlling. I too watched the Bachelorette Beatdown and heard where they mentioned that JP was controlling and jealous….could lead to more drama which ABC loves ….so sad to mess with peoples lives like that …

    Keep up the good work RS I love reading everything you write!!

  21. morrigan0

    July 26, 2011 at 9:20 PM

    I can see them arguing but I think it’d be more civil, Jake came off as having serious issues. JP may seem passionate but I don’t think he’s nuts.

    I was annoyed by president interruption ONLY because they chime in to say write your rep but don’t bother to actually explain what the difference between proposed options are. I actually fast forwarded through to watch episode then rewind-ed and it was just a pointless waste of tv time. I get that they need to pay bills but I can’t do a damn thing about it but write someone to complain one way or another and as no info was given why bother?

  22. mammamia

    July 26, 2011 at 10:22 PM

    ABC is pissed
    They have some nerve

    Guess it’s better to
    be pissed off than
    pissed on

    Seems Ben had
    enough and found his
    Mamma Mia

    ATFR they asked him if
    he was dating and his
    silence spoke volumes

    Guess we’re stuck with
    annoying Ryan for the
    next Bachelor

    Who would have
    thunk it?

    By the way Steve
    you missed BB
    and Miss Britt
    It was priceless

  23. jodie2

    July 26, 2011 at 11:29 PM

    Just had a friend of mine run into west, constantine, and ben f. At urban outfitters all WITH girls….so whoever doesn’t believe you yet on this outcome can jump off a cliff! Good job stevie 🙂

  24. finerthings

    July 27, 2011 at 5:37 AM

    “he should make a vid on how to properly kiss a woman. It will make him a gazillionaire.” lol, that was hilarious. and SO true.

  25. canada girl

    July 27, 2011 at 8:16 AM

    I think that she told Ryan goodbye etc after her date with Ben BUT before her date with Constantine eventhough she claims that Ryan and Constantine happened the same day.
    I had to laugh when she told JP that her and Constantine had decided together there was nothing between them, I guess she thought it would send JP into another jealous rage if she said shew as upset that he left…..but then she came clean to Chris that she had feelings for him and was willing to take it as far as she could with him. Then to the guys at the rose ceremony she said it would have always been the two of them….I wonder what the producers would have done if Ben said no to the rose….it would be a first to have just 1 guy meet the family but I doubt they would let that happen. Looking forward to next week and who her sister means when she tells Ash she is too much for him, not sure what she means by that but my how upset Ash is I say that her sister dose not like JP

  26. hordac

    July 27, 2011 at 8:20 AM

    This whole Ryan thing turning up was SO CONTRIVED. Comparing his reactions between the first time he was kicked off and this time, you could see that he really was surprised last time, and this time he was so totatlly not surprised. So, I think Option B, that Ryan was told to show up to create some drama, and set up for Bachelor. I don’t think they lied and said Ashley was into him, or maybe they did, and he didn’t believe it. I mean c’mon could he be that dense?? I really did give a good laugh when they showed up looking up at the plane, helicopter or whatever it was. Whoever thinks up this cheese should get an award! Yes, agree so obvious JP is F1, they kiss for real and that has been a huge clue this season.

  27. sweetness34

    July 27, 2011 at 9:29 AM

    JP and Ashley have great chemistry. It’s interesting to hear all the commentary that he’s jealous, controlling, and has a temper. I hope not for Ashley’s sake. During their conversations, he has moments where he takes on an annoyed tone that he quickly quells because he knows he’s on TV, but at some point, you have to wonder how that will go down in private. Hopefully, the rumors are greatly exaggerated. As cynical as I am about this show, I am surprised to find that Ashley and JP are the first couple that I actually am rooting for and want to see succeed. I may be in the minority, but Ashley has turned out to be my favorite Bachelorette. I didn’t like the selection when she was announced, but she grew on me this season.

  28. Lightbulb

    July 27, 2011 at 5:34 PM

    Nadal references are awesome. 🙂

  29. Angela

    July 28, 2011 at 8:03 PM

    “Turning Constantine’s photo face down was too politically correct. She should’ve broken it over her knee and then chucked it like a Frisbee.” hahahaha best line of the column. 🙂

  30. lexasmygirl

    July 28, 2011 at 10:14 PM

    I’m not sure why you’re so upset and critical of Ben and Britt, Steve. That’s like the pot calling the kettle black. I mean you spoil, the magazines basically tell us everything, TV Buddy list spoils everything, Chris Harrison hints at certain things, yet Ben is wrong for seeing someone. Maybe he didn’t think people would be gossiping or spoiling or telling all.

    More power to Ben. The only disappointment is that I agree with who ever said now we’re stuck with Ryan as the next Bachelor. Geesh.

    Okay if it can’t be Ben, then make it Constantine.

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