Reality Steve

The Bachelor 16 - Ben

The Bachelor Ben Recap Including Some Details from the Vegas Reunion and My First Live Video Blog This Thursday Night

-We start off with a helicopter view of Ben flying over Park City, Utah and a voice-over of him saying he wants the women to experience the outdoors. Being the wordsmith that Mop Head is, he says this weeks dates are “outdoorsy and awesome.” Thanks for that. If only you could’ve included the words “tubular,” “mint,” “rad,” and/or “groovy”, I would totally be convinced you’re as big a dork as I already think you are. And that’s saying something. Dork is the new cool anyway. It’s a compliment. Or not. Anyway, for some reason, Chris decided to give us a 10 minute explanation this week of what he says at the beginning of every episode. “2 one-on-one dates, and a group date. Don’t get a rose, going home.” That’s it, bud. That’s all you needed to say. We’re 23 seasons in. I think we f***ing know how this show works. But now he’s blabbing on and on and on about how to have your bags packed before your date, you might be going home, if you don’t want to be here you can leave, time is precious so don’t waste it talking about things the producers don’t want you to talk about, etc. Basically the whole thing was to set us up for what was to come in the Emily/Courtney showdown. It’s like a Rap War with these two. East Coast vs. West Coast. Biggie vs 2 Pac. I hope neither of these ladies gets shot walking the Vegas strip after a Mike Tyson fight. Then you know it’s on like Donkey Kong.

-Immediately Kacie B. is not happy with the fact that, well, she’s on the “Bachelor” and it’s somehow just dawning on her that Ben actually gets dates with other women. Once again, EVERY SINGLE SEASON we get the person who can’t handle the lead going on other dates. Kacie Boguskie everyone! Let the whining begin! “The thought of him spending a whole day with someone else drives me crazy…I wish this was over and done and we were going to the grocery store.” Wow. This 24 year old wants that life already? Weekends with the “Honey Do…” list? Geesh. Maybe that’s why Ben gets rid of her at the hometown date. Instead of showing him around Nashville, she takes him grocery shopping and they shoot the sh** in the produce section. If all Kacie wants to do is go grocery shopping, I’d probably dump her too. Talk about which cereal to buy and if these bananas are ripe enough can only keep me horny for a certain amount of time. Ben doesn’t seem like much of a grocery shopper to me. Except when he’s picking out his women.

-They go to commercial before the first 1-on-1 date even starts and then come back to Kacie still whining about Ben not being with her today. She says she wants to throw up and “I don’t want to see him on a helicopter with another girl.” Hey, guess what? Here comes a helicopter to pick up Ben and Rachel for their date! Wow, what a coincidence! You think if Kacie said, “I really don’t want to see them drive off in a Maybach,” a Maybach would’ve shown up at the front of the hotel? I think so too. As Ben and Rachel head off, we get to see Kacie and Monica talking about what they think is the best way to turn around the US economy. Kidding. Kacie is crying about Ben having a date with someone else. Monica tries to play the mother hen here, but as we all know, hen’s aren’t bisexual. Or are they? I didn’t even bother to Google it. Whatever the case, at no point did Monica give the answer that everyone watching was screaming at the TV, which was, “You’re on the f***ing Bachelor! Of course he’s dating other women. Get over it!” Safe to say that we pretty much know the reason now why Kacie eventually gets sent home. And you notice how in the first episode a lot of the cocktail party revolved around Monica trying to tongue down Blakeley and it hasn’t even been referenced since, nor have we barely even seen Monica do anything worth a damn? Shows you that they must’ve been hurting for footage on night one to make up that storyline.

-So Rachel and Ben have a little canoe ride then a little picnic by the water. Already Rachel is telling us she’s never been great with communication in past relationships which, like clockwork, is the storyline around this date. EVERY SINGLE SEASON there’s always one date where the editing makes it look like neither of the couples had anything to talk about, they stared into space, and it was completely awkward (Examples: Kasey and Ali, Hunter and Ashley, Brad and Britt. See? EVERY SINGLE SEASON) I wasn’t there, so I don’t know what happened, but I guarantee that was “character” they had set for Rachel (girl who was trouble communicating) and that’s why they showed us every pause and them talking about nothing they could. I’m sure Rachel wasn’t a chatterbox, but you basically get the whole day with this person. I’m sorry, but if the date was as bad as editing made it out to be, he would’ve sent her home. Was it just me, or when Rachel was squinting because she was looking directly into the sun, wasn’t the gentlemanly thing for Ben to do would be to both rotate so neither were looking into the sun? Would that have been so hard? And did he really comment on her crow’s feet? Yikes. Why not just ask her how long she’s been smoking two packs a day and that she looks a little bloated while you’re at it? Geesh.

-Ben: “I feel like we have some good chemistry, but the conversation was lacking…she’s a tougher read than most of the girls.” Hmmmm, I wonder why that is? Because she’s not as willing to give you CPR just because your Ben Flajnik, aka Storm Horse? Maybe she saw the “Cream Dream” video and thinks you need to actually put in some effort for chicks now, as opposed to them coming to you. I mean, lets look at this. Since his season with Ashley ended airing in August, this guy had already seen Britt on a couple of occasions, got a date with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and now with Shawntel coming forward, we know he was basically text/sexting with her as well. And those are only the ones that we know of publically. I can only imagine what other skirt chasing he was doing during his season airing and when he signed on to be the “Bachelor.” So yeah, no wonder Rachel seems a little hard to get to you – it’s because she is. She actually wants to make you work for it. And since that really isn’t something that you seem to be down with, no wonder she doesn’t even make final four. Well, either that or the fact I’d rather pass a kidney stone than watch these two converse on a date.

-Now it’s dinner time for these two and since Ben enjoyed the fact that Rachel’s breasts are bigger than any of his future final four girls, he convinces himself he’s gotta keep her around. “I wonder if it just takes Rachel a little more time to open up, but I’m willing to give it time.” Of course you are. And if Rachel looked like Jaclyn, you would’ve burned the rose already. Ben is a very simple man as we’re finding out this season. If we haven’t learned anything from him, it’s that he likes to make out when he feels uncomfortable or doesn’t know what to say, he has 17 different hometowns apparently, he has the vibrancy and excitability of my left shoe, and his hair gets the frizzies just as bad as any chick you’ve ever seen. And did you know he’s a winemaker? Didn’t know if that had been brought up this season. I bet it will. You wait. Ben is involved with his buddies in “Envolve” wines. Used to be “Evolve” but because they wanted to show they were environmentally conscious, between Ashley’s season and him becoming the “Bachelor,” they went to “Envolve.” You want to save the environment? Quit polluting our screen with your boringness.

-Back at the hotel, the group date card comes and it sets up Emily vs Courtney. Emily read the date card and miraculously seemed to clear her throat before saying Courtney’s name. Who knows if it actually happened in real time like that. My guess is no. Just a stupid little editing jab they put in there to set up what was to come later. Emily isn’t on the date, but Courtney is. MC O’Bry thinks since Courtney basically has the personality of Jason from “Friday the 13th,” she’ll basically shoot herself in the foot during the group date and Ben will see right through her that she’s a raging bitch. I think my hope, and probably all of America’s hope, is that Ben sees the same thing. Too bad he doesn’t. This is not going to be good night for Eminemily whatsoever. Hide yo’ wife, hide yo’ kids. Dis Courtney chick is cray cray.

-Rachel: “In past relationships, I really struggled with communication…but I’m super honest. You want to know anything, just ask.” Ben: “Ok. How come you suck at conversations?” Ok, he didn’t ask that. But he sure was thinking it. So he insinuated it in a more gentle way. Ben: “I just wanted to see if you could open up and we could dive deeper.” Ummmm, maybe that wasn’t in a gentler way. A more perverted way? By all means, yes. Wouldn’t call it gentler though. The chicks got a nose ring. I don’t think you’ll be dissecting any Shakespeare novels with her. Somehow, someway (well, because of her boobs), Rachel gets the rose. Now, it’s time for mutual gushing. Rachel: “This date was absolutely a big step in Ben and I’s relationship.” Ben: “I like kissing Rachel, I like being around her, and I think it’s going to be a slow burn.” Ouch. Might wanna have a doctor check that out for you. I thought you had to pass medical to get cast on this show? When exactly is this slow burn taking place, Ben? You know what’s slowly burning for me? The skin off my body after watching that awfully awkward day you spent with Marlboro Lady and her nose stud. I say we just hit the rest button on that day since it was the worst date by far this season.

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64 Comments

64 Comments

  1. bachelorette

    January 25, 2012 at 6:19 PM

    a skinny elizabeth kitt? elizabeth looks anorexic. i don’t think courtney is any skinnier than her.

  2. hordac

    January 25, 2012 at 6:29 PM

    I am disappointed in Emily. Do these girls actually watch the show prior to applying to be on it? The girl who rats out the bitch in the house always ends up being thrown out on her ass by the Batch. God knows that a man’s penis can’t be told the object of its desire is a manipulative shrew. Hey, it might even up the attractiveness factor. Lets face it, Ben is not in this to get married, and I think its the only way for someone like him to date a model for any length of time. I hope there is a similar post breakup interview between them like there was with Jake and Vienna! I also agree that Emily should have owned up to ratting out Courtney. As for the double agent who went and tattled? Bet the producers made her do this to stir it up.

  3. poddington

    January 25, 2012 at 7:45 PM

    good words, Hordac. So true. Keep in mind, if Emily met the “man’s Penis” right AFTER Courtney dumped it (and likely left it weeping with infection), she would be his wife for being so wise and nurturing. These girls are still young, they will learn.

  4. cidm

    January 26, 2012 at 7:41 AM

    why why why why WHY is Courtney’s forehead so oily and shiny in EVERY single ITM that she does ???? And where is the lower portion of her face and what’s up with her lips??
    By the way – great call on the comparison to Russell Brand, definitely is her doppelganger!
    Lindzi reminds me of a slightly disheveled Tenley – anyone else see it ???

  5. gege

    January 26, 2012 at 8:45 AM

    Ben could look like the tennis player Nadal if he’d uncover his face 🙂 Of course that wouldn’t make him any smarter but he’d be nicer to look at 🙂

  6. converse

    January 26, 2012 at 8:59 AM

    Rachel – “You know, it’s something that I’ve struggled with in the past”
    Ben – “What is?”
    Rachel – “Communication”
    Ben – “Ahh….perhaps including the subject in your sentence might help. Particularly if you are trying to communicate that communication is a problem.”

  7. locondcoco

    January 26, 2012 at 9:09 AM

    Not that I’m defending Courtney, she annoys me too (i mean, what grown up woman says, “I can reach higher than any of you…”??), but what she actually said was: “I’ve always had boy FRIENDS”, as in her friends are guys, not boyfriends. Cuz she followed it up with that is why she is having a hard time co-existing with 11 other women under one roof.

  8. miss4real

    January 26, 2012 at 9:44 AM

    Yes Courtney does look like AJ Soprano. Most excellent comparison

  9. hordac

    January 26, 2012 at 2:30 PM

    Yes, I noticed the Lindzi – Tenley resemblance too – love the Courtney – AJ Soprano comparison! That is SOOOO right on! I want Steve to put those two side by side as well. To me this is the most accurate resemblance yet.

  10. aziatn

    January 26, 2012 at 3:04 PM

    On the last episode, at the rose ceremony, they bleeped out Emily as she was calling Courtney a name. Emily called Courtney AUTISTIC. TWICE. This is the real reason for the feud. If people knew this, they would know why Courtney was so mad and offended at Emily. Rewind it. You can tell. ABC didn’t want the heat from Emily’s inappropriate comment so they bleeped it like it was any other word. Kacie B, Monica and all the other girls laughed when Emily said that. They are not “sweet” girls. These girls are vicious. Courtney’s response to Emily was totally appropriate. Courtney has not stooped to bad mouthing the other girls the way they’ve come after her. Shame on you Steve for falling victim to the editing.

  11. sherivannote

    January 26, 2012 at 3:36 PM

    What is your talent? Absolutely NOTHING, you find some dishonest ass that betrays ABC while filming and then you pass it on acting like hero, (in fact low life) and ruin the the bachelor season, yet again for many people. I won’t worry about hurting your feelings, since it’s obvious someone with out any intergrity couldn’t care less about anyone, including your own ugly sorry self……..

  12. karynr

    January 27, 2012 at 6:03 AM

    sherivannote…you made the choice to read RS and than blame him for the spoilers? Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I’d run to the closest therapist and get help for your anger issues. People read RS by choice. Or, was someone forcing you to read? Wow.

    Keep up the enjoyable commentaries RS! You make this so much more fun.

  13. BLT

    January 27, 2012 at 3:41 PM

    Anyone notice Courtney double-fisting at the end! Whiskey in one hand and a rocker glass with god knows what in the other? Booze hound extreme.

  14. luna

    January 28, 2012 at 4:18 PM

    What on earth was with the comment about Courtney being in Puerto Rico 2 months prior, whilst everybody was toasting at the end? So “classy”, throwing it out there. Dumby.

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