Dr. Reality Steve
Back with more Dr. Reality Steve this week. If you have any that you’d like to be answered tonight on the live video blog, there’s still time. I’ve got a couple printed out already, but considering I have no idea how this is gonna go or how many questions are gonna be asked in the live chat, I want to have as many other questions prepared as possible. There’s a couple things I’m gonna talk about right up front, but more or less, this is gonna be a Q&A live video blog with me addressing as many things I can over 30-45 minutes. An hour is too long. I can’t imagine people want to listen to me ramble for 60 minutes. But half that? Sure, why not? I’ll try not to bore you. But here are this week’s “Dr. Reality Steve” questions…
Dear Dr. Steve,
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3+ years. Everything was cordial and pleasant, until I found out (3 months later) that he has a girlfriend. Not only does he have a girlfriend, I found out that he starting seeing her immediately after we broke up (maybe even during) and she’s a skank. She modeled for FHM Magazine years ago and the article is all about making sex tapes. I have a copy of the article and don’t know what to do with it. Do I take the high road, the classy road, and just do nothing? Or do I go the complete bitch route?
Comment: If you dated a guy for 3+ years and immediately after you broke up he was seeing someone else, just assume that girl was the reason you broke up, and yes unfortunately, probably a better chance than not that he was seeing her towards the end of your relationship. Maybe not have had hooked up with her out of respect for you, but she had to have been in the picture somehow (texts/sexts/flirting) if he moved on from a three year relationship that quickly. That blows.
The “do I tell my ex about his new girlfriends skanky past” is a tough one. It’s kinda like the situation Emily was put in during Monday’s episode. Do you talk bad about another girl in hopes that a guy sees a different side to her. I guess it all depends on what your motivation is. If it’s because you want to win him back, that’d probably be your first step. Sure, I’d tell him. And if he already knew then, well, probably not the guy for you. If you don’t want him back, then I’d probably just let it go. I’d be more offended he moved on so quickly after a 3 year relationship, than the actual person he moved on with. He’ll see the light on her eventually if she’s giving interviews to FHM how she made sex tapes. That screams “attention whore.” Sounds like he landed a real winner.
I think we’ve all been in that situation where you end a relationship, then your partner starts seeing someone else and you compare yourself to them. It’s natural. Who wouldn’t? And how many times have you seen your ex’s new flame and been like, “They are nothing like me. Is this the same person I just dated.” I know I’ve questioned before, “What the hell were they doing with me if they’re now dating someone who couldn’t be more opposite?” Some just want to change things up because they’ve been in the same routine, some just date whoever likes them, and some are complete dolts who have no idea what they want in a relationship, they just want to be in one. Sounds like your man might fit the last description. If you truly don’t want this guy back, I wouldn’t bring it up. But if you do, I’d make it more of a mockery and kinda laugh it off like, “Nice. Had no idea you were into sex tapes, you perv. Have fun with her knowing she has a sex tape floating out there with another guy. I’m sure that won’t make you self conscious at all.”
Once again, loved your blogs this week. I’m going to ask a question that I probably shouldn’t, but I need/want an objective answer.
I met a guy at the gym about nine months ago. He flirted, I ignored him for about two months. I was going to the gym to better myself, not meet a boyfriend. He asked me to walk me to the car in the rain one day and after that we began working out together. he has helped me become more focused on my weightloss goals. The problem is… when we first started talking, he asked if I was dating someone, I told him no. I asked the same thing, he also said no. It’s now nine months since we started talking. We’ve gone on a few dates, I’ve gone to what I thought was his apartment for dinner. (recently found out in reality, it was his brother’s apartment!) You know what’s coming, I found out quite by accident, that he is MARRIED. I immediately ended things with him, I’m not a homewrecker, sorry no can do. While yes, I liked him, he has been helpful to me in building my confidence in the dating world and making me realize I’m a better person than I realized I was, I refuse to date someone who is married. I delete his emails, don’t answer his calls, completely ignore him and now go to a different gym. He knows why I’m doing this, I told him.
My questions to you are: 1) why in the hell would a man do something like this, not only to me, but to his wife! and 2) my friends all say I should contact his wife and tell her what was going on. I personally don’t feel comfortable with this and have said so. I know how women can be, they are catty, she will blame me somehow and will assume he didn’t do anything wrong – after all there was no sex involved, just some dating. So, should I continue what I’m doing and just ignore him or tell him if he continues trying to contact me let him know I’m going to the wife?
Also, you have more patience than any man I know to put up with the people emailing asking the same questions over and over again. I know you’ve answered the why is the walkway/road wet more times than I can remember. Do I remember the answer? NO, but who the heck cares why it’s wet??? (nor do I bother going to look for the answer because again, who cares?)
Comment: 1) Because men are pigs, that’s why. The title of “married” just doesn’t have the same meaning as it did a while ago. Men have cheated for years. I’m not saying it’s right, because it isn’t, I’m just saying that given the situation, ANY man could be tempted to. Obviously the guy has marital issues if he carried on with you for 9 months without his wife knowing.
2) The age old question of, “Do I tell the wife?” In your case, I wouldn’t. Because as interested as he might’ve been in you, and as many times as you guys talked, it wasn’t a sexual steamy affair. Sure, what he did was wrong, but if you never slept with the guy, I just don’t think you should run to his wife and tell her. He emotionally cheated on his wife, and eventually, that’s their business to figure it out.
I’m just amazed for 9 months this guy had you fooled. He never was unable to reach late at night? He never had to abruptly end conversations? You never noticed that when you hung out with him you were visiting his brothers place? This all fascinates me. This is why I’m intrigued by other peoples relationships. I love hearing stories like this. I haven’t cheated since high school. And I only did it there because, well, didn’t every guy cheat in high school? Whatever the case, my first serious girlfriend in college cheated on me and I was devastated. I mean, DEVASTATED. So I vowed to never cheat on someone ever again, and I can honestly say, I haven’t. I will break up with someone before I ever cheat on them. Too much guilt. Plus, it’s just not worth it to cheat. Obviously you’re cheating because you’re lacking something in your current relationship, so why not just end it? And don’t get me started on, “Well, what if you just had a bad night drinking and made a mistake.” Sorry, that’s the worst excuse known to mankind. Anyone who stays with someone because they justified their cheating with “I was drinking, it was stupid, I shouldn’t have done it,” deserves everything they get when that person does it again. Can’t feel sorry for you. My biggest relationship pet peeve is women who blame their behavior on alcohol. Save it. That’s about as childish and immature as you can get and drives me up a wall.
I think you’re doing the right thing by cutting this guy off and not responding to anything. If he wants to get a divorce and start up with you, it’s up to you then to decide if that’s something you want to venture into. However, if the guy essentially carried on a “relationship” with you for 9 months while married, what makes you think he wouldn’t do it to you? I’d steer clear of this dipwad. And when you see him at the gym again, tell him you’ll help spot him on the bench, then drop the bar on his face. That’ll teach him.
Dear Dr. Steve,
I very much enjoy reading everything you take the time to write. I love knowing what’s to come! Makes the show much more enjoyable. My friend won’t read your page until after the season’s over because she wants to be surprised.
Now for my Dr. question… I met a guy and while taking to him he mentioned a restaurant and said the two of us should go sometime. He took my number and we’ve talked several times. But he still hasn’t asked me on that date. He’s asked if I want to go away with him and his friends for the weekend (which got cancelled) but no dinner just the two of us. What should I do? Ask him what happened? Ask him myself? Try and forget about it? Clearly this needs the advice of Dr. Steve and I look forward to it!!
Comment: I think the biggest thing here is what restaurant? I think that could show his level of interest. Are we talking about the Olive Garden? If so, sh**can this guy and never bring it up. Not saying I don’t love me some breadsticks – just not on the first date. Is it a local, quaint restaurant that isn’t too well known? That could be a sign this guy is trying to ask you out, but not wanting anyone else to know he’s with you. Is a popular chain restaurant? Is it a place where you’ll get dressed up to go to?
I would casually throw into a future conversation, “Hey, Mr. Forgetful, what happened to our little dinner date at so-and-so? What, I’m not good enough for that place anymore?” Or something like that. Just give him a little rib for asking you to dinner, then not following through with it. His reaction will give you your answer as to his level of interest. It’s pretty simple. If a guy wants to go out with you, he will. If he doesn’t, he won’t.
Dr. Reality Steve,
Hello! I have been reading your blog for about 5 years now. I love it, even though my friends get pissed at me for telling them who the lead chooses!
Anyway, I have two questions.
If you were on the Bachelor, what type of girl would you actually choose? Actually, what type of girls do you like? Because you mention a lot of things about looks, sex, etc. but I am wondering if that’s who you would date.
Next, I am a mid 20’s female who hasn’t had a boyfriend since high school. I am attractive, kind, honest, ambitious, fun, and have morals. I am wondering why I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long. How can I put myself out there more? Also, what would you think of a girl asking the guy to hang out if she’s interested.
Comment: I really don’t like to talk about my personal life all that much. I don’t have a particular “type” anyway. I’ve dated them all: tall, short, athletic, non-athletic, blondes, brunettes, petite, not-so petite. At 36 and single, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not gonna date just to date. I don’t need to waste my time or anyone elses. If the situation arises, I’ll date. But I’m not on the prowl every weekend specifically looking to find someone to go out with. Not my style. I know what I like and I’ll pursue it. Looks wise, my likes vary. I just know whether I want to continue seeing someone or not. Really no other way to describe it.
No boyfriend since high school? Hmmmm, why? Do you not date a lot? Do you not meet people? It’s hard to answer why you haven’t had a boyfriend in so long when I know nothing about you, but, I can say that it sounds like you don’t date much. You probably just need to go out as much as you can, approach guys, be flirty, play with your hair, rub a rose all around your face, curse out the other bitches around you, and you’ll get your man eventually. Hey, it worked for Courtney.
Dr. Reality Steve,
Ok, so what is the real scoop on a guy’s perception of a woman’s appearance? When it comes down to doing the deed, do most guys care/notice a few jiggly parts or belly bulges? With all the perfection on tv and magazines, it’s hard not to feel self conscious getting naked with a new guy when you have a “real womans” body.
Comment: Lets be honest here and say that of course guys are attracted to good looking women. But it’s also a matter of preference. Some guys like women who are curvy and some guys like the 100 lb stick figures with fake DD’s. There’s nothing wrong with a few extra lbs, but grossly overweight I’d say for the most part, men don’t find attractive, unless they are themselves. And just from a purely physical standpoint, but also from a discipline standpoint. Unless there was a serious injury or surgery in your life that prevents you from doing any strenuous movements, you don’t just wake up one morning 50-100 lbs overweight. There had to be a period of your life where, for whatever reason, you let yourself get to that point. Not to go all Bob Harper on everybody here, but everybody has the opportunity to look good and get to the gym. It’s whether you choose to or not. If you’re overweight or out-of-shape, will it be easy? Hell no. If it was, everyone would be in shape and look like models. Some just are more determined to look that way than others. The ones who do, don’t make excuses. Those don’t, find excuses for why they can’t work out, or eat better, or exercise. This is a whole other discussion for another time, but you get my point.
If you’re a female, unless you are consistently at the gym five days a week and eat proper every day, it’s almost impossible that you’re not gonna have some sort of belly bulge and be jiggly. It’s just a matter of how out of hand you let it get. We all come in different shapes and sizes. If you like your size, then keep at it. If you don’t, do something to change it. Trust me, guys notice this stuff. Personally, I like a woman who keeps herself fit and goes to the gym. Doesn’t have to be a runway model in the least bit, but at least cares enough to get the gym and work out on a consistent basis. It shows discipline and self-respect, and that speaks volumes.
OK, Dr. Steve the Love God question: This is going to sound really bad…but is it terrible of me to never want to have sex with my boyfriend because he’s gained like 40 pounds? I still love him the same but I don’t feel sexually attracted to him….And do you think relationships go through phases? We’ve been together for 2 1/2 years now and I could totally see myself marrying him but I’m not like head over heels, butterflies in my stomach, fireworks every time we kiss anymore…Is that normal? I see all these other girls gushing on facebook every 2 seconds about how amazing their love is with their man and it’s like songs finally make sense on the radio…blah blah blah….but I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel like we’re already married and he keeps me warm at night and is good company. Is this wrong? What do I do??
Comment: Kind of along the lines of the previous question. If you marry someone, or are dating someone, and during the course of that time, their physical appearance changes (in this case 40 lbs), is it wrong not to be attracted to them anymore? Absolutely not. You started dating this person obviously because you liked a lot of things about them, including their appearance. Well, that’s not their appearance anymore, so absolutely you have a right to not want to have sex with them. However, with that said, you should probably get out of this relationship. Unless both of you hate sex, you will resent yourself for staying with a guy in a sex-less relationship. I think you’re being unfair by staying with this guy if that’s the way you feel. He needs to know. There is no way I could continue to stay with someone I wasn’t physically attracted to anymore. I don’t think that’s vain or shallow, I just think that if the physical appearance changes that drastically (not counting pregnancy), to me, it shows a lack of discipline, and that’d be a turn off.
I’d tell him how you feel, ask him why he’s put on 40 lbs, and if he ever plans on getting back in shape. See what he says and proceed from there. But it looks like you’ve completely lost your sex drive in the relationship, and unless you’re happy with that, you probably need to find yourself a new beefcake.
I am loving your columns this season, your best yet! (and I have been following you since Jake’s season every week). Maddie looks like a sweetheart, I’m so glad you posted that video. I can’t believe people continue to ask the same questions over and over again, ehem, why you don’t have a FAQ link, who are your sources, why do you continue to ruin their lives by posting spoilers (yet they seem to magically land on your page and read it), why are you sarcastic, etc.
Anyway, I have a question for Dr. Steve: how long into the relationship (outside the Bachelor of course) can i bring the topic of “let’s just see each other and noone else” without looking like a jealous psycho?
this is why I ask: last year I was dating this guy for 4 months here in NYC. We used to see each other at least once a week, talk on the phone several times a day, text, sext, etc. Since the second month he was telling me that he loved me very much, that I was the best thing since sliced bread and that he had never met anyone like me, etc. I thought things were going really well, until he mentioned (on the fourth month mark) that he had been dating other women all those months (and no, his name is not Ben F).
When I asked him why he was still playing the field when I thought things were really well and even after all these months telling me that he loved me sooo much, he said a) we never defined exclusivity for each other; b) he and I weren’t “dating,” just “seeing each other;” and c) I wasn’t enough for him. He added that if I wanted, he was willing to sacrifice and stop seeing all those other women because he really loved me. Of course we ended things right there… if we don’t count that dinner at a restaurant the following month where he said how sorry he was, that he missed me, and when I was finally starting to forgive him, he asked if i could go into the bathroom with him for some alone time… of course I said no 🙂 So Dr. Steve… are all men like that these days? are you like that? do I need to go to Texas to find a real man and not players? perhaps Jake Pavelka is available? (just kidding, no Jake please)
Comment: Ahhhhhhh, the old “when is the right time to have THE TALK” question. Really an impossible question to answer. In your case, this guy is a player. If he was telling you how much he loved you, yet was out seeing other women the whole time, he didn’t love you. He enjoyed your company obviously, but he was just saying things he knew you wanted to hear. His actions didn’t back it up. He should’ve just never said it and continued dating you. I think the minute “love” comes out when you’re dating someone, that should pretty much be when “the talk” begins. You don’t tell someone you’re dating you love them and then be out with someone else the next night. That’s ridiculous. Basically this guy was adhering to the age old saying of “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” You got played. I’d kick this guy to the curb quicker than Ben did Samantha. It ain’t going anywhere.
Be back to the site at 9PM EST/6PM EST. It could be a real sh** show as I’m sure some of the crazies will be out there asking questions. Send your emails to: email@example.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tonight.