Reality Steve

The Bachelor 16 - Ben

The Bachelor Ben Recap Including the WTA Taping Date, Pics of Courtney & What Game Show Was She Previously On?

-Another aerial shot of Panama as we start the show as the women are arriving at the airport. All of them are fired up to be here, including Courtney, who suggests that after last weeks naked romp in the ocean, she’d TOTALLY be up for skinny dipping in Panama. Really? You don’t say? I’m guessing she’d be up for walking around naked every day if it were legal. Courtney saying she’d be up for skinny dipping in Panama is like Ben telling us he co-owns a winery. We know this already. Now, here’s where I’m a little ticked off. Apparently Chris Harrison is too big time to show up in Panama on day one, so it’s now Ben telling us this week there’ll be a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and a 2-on-1 date. Unacceptable. Chris, earn your paycheck. Miss your flight? Some lame red carpet show that you were hosting get in the way? You have very few roles on this show: Show up on time, tell everyone what dates they’re on, relax for five days, come in and bang on a wine glass at the cocktail, then play mathematician at the end of the rose ceremony. That’s it. That’s all you do. Unless there’s a chick with a boyfriend, then you mind f**k her into leaving the show. More on that later. (UPDATE: Chris says in his blog today the reason he missed the beginning of Panama was because he was shooting “You Deserve It.” Nice excuse. Get your ass to Panama before you’re replaced by a robot every episode.)

-Ben drops off the first date card. It says, “Kacie, will our love survive? Ben. Primo Douche.” Or something like that. The note also says for her to pack three things. That reminded of the bios each girl has on Some of them have to answer the question of “If you were stranded on a deserted island, what three things would you bring and why?” I checked Kacie’s bio, but her answer wasn’t posted in her bio. However, she did have to answer this one: “I hate it when my date…” Her answer was, “…talks only about themselves, sticks to the boring questions, and thinks dinner and a movie a good idea for a first date.” Hmmmm, hasn’t Ben accomplished all three of those things with her in six episodes? I also noticed in her bio (sorry this is old news, but I rarely read those things) she said she has three tattoos. One on her foot, her side, and “another location.” Oh boy. That can only mean two places. Either she has a P.O.T. or it’s too close to her kitty for her describe publicly. (And yes, I’ve answered P.O.T. about 100 times. Sorry).

-For like the 50th episode in a row it seems, these two get a helicopter ride that takes them to a deserted island. When pretty much every girl gets a helicopter ride, can we cease with this, “It’s so romantic being in a helicopter with Ben” line? Apparently it’s not that special to him since everyone gets to do it. Quit overanalyzing the location and travel of your dates. As he told Emily, “You’ll drive yourself crazy thinking about it.” I’m going crazy just listening to these people gush over it. Make it stop. I’m going to knife my insides out with a machete. Hey, speaking of machetes…here’s one! They get to the island and Ben asks her what three things she brought. So help me God, I was expecting her to pull out a baton. Dammit. Didn’t happen. Her three items were a swiss army knife, a bag of candy, and a green monkey. That makes sense. You know, swiss army knife in case there was a power failure on the island for days and they were stranded, she could start gutting Ben like a fish and eating his insides like they did in “Alive.” And a bag of candy because, well, who wouldn’t want to their last meal to be some Kit Kat’s. But a green monkey? Huh? For what? I’m beginning to think Kacie is showing her age. Ben’s three items? A machete, fish net, and matches. Sweet. I wonder what the Reward Challenge is gonna be. I half expected Probst to come walking around the corner. “Bring it in guys!!!!” My greatest reality tv show wish ever? Probst and Harrison swapping roles for one season.

-So basically Kacie thought being on a deserted island with Ben would be all fun and games until she realizes, “Oops. Bringing this green monkey is not going to help us with sh** out here.” Ben suddenly turns into Ozzy banging away at coconuts, while Kacie does her best Amanda Kimmel impression by watching him do it. Then…it happened. Something becoming more famous on this show than contrived dates, manufactured drama, and out-of-order ITM’s…the dreaded “1-on-1 date metaphors.” Last we heard of these was back in SF when Bemily we’re comparing their budding relationship to walking on the Bay Bridge. I puked a little onto my shirt during that scene. This one? I didn’t want to ruin my shirt so I just kept choking back my own vomit, ultimately almost dying. Thanks “Bachelor.” Ben: “Relationships is overcoming obstacles, fears, and hurdles.” Someone needs to put an end to these, like, yesterday. They are way too far reaching to describe you chopping a coconut and catching a fish. Lets back off the metaphors before I projectile vomit onto Maddie.

-Gee, thanks for listening. Ben: “Kacie and I are a good little team…teamwork in a marriage is the biggest thing. Looking forward to the next step.” I was just waiting for someone to talk about “Marriage is a solid union between two people…like this union of Kacie’s lei that she brought to the island.” I’m not sure what I would’ve done if something like that was uttered, but there’s a good chance it would’ve involved a kitchen knife, a pair of gloves, and a double murder in my apartment complex. Just sayin.’ So basically Ben is just feeding the camera lines about Kacie and their future all while pretty much knowing he’s not gonna be with her in the end. C’mon, who’s he kidding? Courtney played with his wee-wee last week. Hasn’t anyone ever explained to you people that the first one to touch his blue veined hooligan wins? Courtney sure knew about this rule which is why she went skinny dipping last week. Like she was ever gonna pass up a chance to be the first to greet his juice dispenser. Please. That chick knows what she wants and she goes after it. And she’s made it perfectly clear what she’s after this season. His heat seeking moisture missile.

-At dinner, Ben says he wants to dive deeper into Kacie and find out more to what she’s all about. Translation: The producers thought it’d be a good idea for Kacie to talk about her past eating disorders, so, I pretty much forced the action to get it out of her since I’m such a gentleman. First, he asks her what her day-to-day life is like. “Go to the grocery store, cook, work out, see my friends….” Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What is Kacie’s fascination with the grocery store? This is the second time she’s brought this up. Like anyone likes being in those things for any longer than they have to. You know what’s fun about the grocery store? Nothing. The aisles are too narrow so if I’m going one way, and someone else is coming down the other way, I practically have to turn their cart sideways to let them pass, then getting those wheels to turn back around properly takes some sort of engineering degree. Then they invent the self-check out line in hopes of speeding up the check-out process, when in reality, it’s actually making is slower. Why? Because most people in America are idiots. Ever seen ANYONE walk up to that thing, scan their groceries, pay, and move briskly along? No. Because it’s never happened. EVER. Needless to say, Kacie and her grocery store fetish is giving me the heebee geebies. Lets move on.

-As these two continue to talk in the Panama humidity, I’m almost at the point where I want to Fed Ex them a flat iron so they can both get the frizzies out. It’s like I’m looking at two kitchen scrubs on top of their heads. Kacie opens up to Ben. “It’s like I don’t relate to people my age. I feel older than I am.” Ben: “Why, why, why, why, tell me, tell me, tell me.” Kacie: “In high school, I had an eating disorder…I felt it was the only thing I could control…then at a Super Bowl party, my parents caught me.” I felt like I could’ve purged after what I ate on Sunday as well. All joking aside, obviously this was a big deal and in no way will I make light of what Kacie dealt with in high school. But I will make fun of Ben for claiming he understands it after a two minute conversation. Really? Even if that conversation was 20 minutes long, I’m guessing Ben doesn’t have a clue on what he thinks of that. You know, because it’s soooooo easy to understand someone who spent a year battling those two diseases. Kacie, however, is happy she got that off her chest, and is now falling in love. “I’m falling in love with him…the more time I spend with him, the more I see the big picture.” Oh boy. This is probably killing her to watch this right now considering he is NOT who she’s built him up in her head to be. She’s remembering him as the poor sap who got dumped at the altar by Ashley but who bounced back and is ready to find love when she should be seeing that he’s more like the guy rapping about wet dreams and masturbating as the Storm Horse.

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  1. Dianne

    February 9, 2012 at 7:30 AM

    Wow, oh wow! Would you people PLEASE chill? You are all getting way, way, WAY too serious here..and your posts are just not acceptable to read. Take it easy, relax, and realize that what Steve is putting down here is about a TELEVISION SHOW, and not real life! Steve does what he does, and he does it best. If you don’t like what your reading, then stop reading and take a step back. Geesh!!

  2. locondcoco

    February 9, 2012 at 10:43 AM

    karynr: it’s “COULDN’T care less”, becuase if you COULD care less, well, then just do so. Sorry, if you did it once, maybe twice, i would have let it go. but you said it like 15 times per paragraph.

  3. esayer

    February 9, 2012 at 10:44 AM

    I think Courtney is by far the funniest contestant the show has ever had. She knows it’s a joke, and she’s playing it up. She’s being real, she’s saying how it is. Love love love it!! If I were one of Ben’s girls, I bet I’d be friends with her. She does not beat around the bush like everyone else does. Life is too short to be anything but honest, and that’s what she’s doing. Go girl!

  4. esayer

    February 9, 2012 at 10:54 AM

    Oh, and one more thing…I have NO IDEA why you all love Eminemily so much! She reminds me of the ‘popular’ girl in my class in HS…total bitch and makes weird faces all the time. She is so not cute. Do not understand…

  5. karynr

    February 9, 2012 at 12:42 PM

    I’m so sorry if using the incorrect terminology a few (not 15) times bothered someone so much. Now can I go back to the real reason I come onto this site :)! The ENJOYMENT of reading everyone’s comments regardless of typos, etc.

  6. carol

    February 9, 2012 at 2:29 PM

    Diane, your comments are so condescending and believe it or not, no one died and put you in charge. To tell commenters to “relax”, “chill”, “take it easy”, or “take a step back” is inappropriate and you might want to take your own advice. All of the comments are completely appropriate for this forum and totally “acceptable to read”. This is precisely the right the place to express one’s thoughts about the show, its characters and/or this blogger.

  7. offisurswife

    February 16, 2012 at 8:02 PM

    It was 2 toothbrushes on the counter against a mirror….not 4 toothbrushes. Just pointing out….

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