-The group date is on the Chagres River where Ben picks the six women up to take them on a boat ride. I can’t remember which girl it was, I think it was Jamie, who says that “Ben’s such a man’s man. He drives this long frickin boat.” It’s not like this guy is the captain of the Carnival Cruise. He’s in a phallic shaped boat with a motor in it. Jamie is delusional. And we haven’t even gotten to her good stuff yet. While on the boat, Ben plays the role of Jungle Cruise director by telling the ladies “This is the Chagres River. This is one of the most dense rain forest jungles on the planet.” Hey, how appropriate. One of the most dense human beings is giving a tour of one of the most dense rain forest jungles. It’s kinda like how the cosmic forces of island brought the passengers of Oceanic Flight 815 to it, Ben was meant to have this date at this particular rain forest. The stars are aligned my friends. Dense jungle, meet dense Ben. You two will hit it off like no other.
-The boat pulls up to the Embera Village where a bunch of half naked kids are running around playing soccer. Ok, I’m going to admit something now I’ve never admitted before. But I’ve waited long enough, you’ve all been patient enough, and now it’s time. Deep breath. Whew. Ok, here we go. The kids of the Embera Village are my sources. There. I admitted it. Can you please stop asking now? Actually, since Ben never gave us a history lesson on the Embera Village, how about I give you one? Well, not me personally since I’ve never been there, but one of my readers has and she emailed me last night to tell me about it. Here’s what she said (pics included):
“I am writing because I have been to the Embera Village in Panama. I studied abroad in Panama and visited this village for a day while I was there. First off, the rule is that village members are supposed to row you in the boats to the village. It’s interesting they let Ben do it. Secondly, the ride down the river takes over an hour. I was amazed how they made it look so easy/quick on the show. Perhaps the camera crew was being boated by some village members alongside the boat Ben was handling? The Embera Village is a great place but a lot muddier than they made it look on TV. There are no bathrooms and no one in my group left the place looking clean.
The whole place is basically the main hut right next to the river, where they showed everyone eating and doing tattoos. Then there are a series of smaller huts off to the side where the villagers live. Right outside the main hut is the dance floor. They also use it as a huge marketing opportunity, they have a table of handmade crafts that you can purchase right next to the “dance floor” (aka mud pit). Additionally, a part of the tour includes a trip into the mountains to learn about medicinal plants from a tribe member. I’m not surprised they didn’t include this part when Ben and the women went, not sure how that would have worked. Finally, the lunch they serve everyone is always piece of fried fish and some plantain chips. We ate out of the same bowls as they did on the show, and gave each other the same tattoos. We also got to learn how to dance the Embera dance and watch the natives. I also included some pictures of our group wearing the native outfits.”
-The girls now have to wear what the natives wear, and since Courtney thinks bras should be outlawed, she is the only one who goes braless under her beads. Courtney: These girls are all so prude. Why be modest? Be one with nature. Go bikini-less.” Ahhhh, if all women could have the mindset of Courtney Robertson, the world could be a better place. Instead they insist on wearing industrial strength bras like Elyse with five hooks that make it miserable for us remove one unless we have the Houdini handbook. Whatever the case, not only does Courtney enjoy going bra commando under her beads and coins, she likes to let everyone know about it by shaking her ta-ta’s like horny old men are gonna throw change at her. Honey, you’re in a ransacked village in Panama. The only thing these kids might throw at you are rocks. And as you can see by today’s picture, a few of the ladies seemed to take notice of Courtney’s frontal region. Well, at least Emily did. I really don’t think Courtney cares at this point. She paints on Ben’s back: B + C = heart symbol. Well, I’d say that might’ve been the cheesiest thing we’d see all episode and that Courtney’s 8th grade Mead peechee folder was probably filled with “Courtney loves so-and-so” on it. Also probably had 10 different names on there as well. Probably the boys that she got to pay for her milk box and cookies at lunch. However, once Blakeley’s 2-on-1 date happened, this became the second most cheesiest thing to happen last night.
-So the women are wearing head dresses and beads, and Ben is in a loin cloth. I guess this was supposed to be sexy or something. I found it rather appalling. How dare he disgrace the name of Kamala the Ugandan Head Hunter by wearing that loin cloth (Sorry, old WWF reference). But Lindzi doesn’t seem to mind. Whoa ho! Lindzi! Glad you could join us this season. We’ve missed you for the last three episodes. “I’d like to be part of Ben’s tribe.” Ummmm, if I didn’t know any better, Lindzi just got a little dirty there. Exactly what tribe are you talking about, Linz? Tribe trouser snake? Tribe porridge bazooka? Tribe wonder muscle? For a girl that has basically been invisible for five of the six episodes so far, she sure is stepping up her game in Panama. Maybe she figures she can’t possibly do as worse as Blakeley or Jamie, so insinuating that she wants to be chief master of Tribe C’monIwannaLayya kinda moves her to the front of the pack this week, no?
-Moving on to the cocktail party that night since that’s where the real action happened (well, other than Courtney getting more ABC blur edits than a Survivor Immunity Challenge with any older woman in a loose bra), it’s Courtney time yet again. Ben reminds the viewers what happened last week. Twice. “Skinny dipping in Puerto Rico was insane. I didn’t expect that. I think that’s why it was so memorable for me, that, and I got to go skinny dipping in Puerto Rico.” Huh? WTF? You’re bumbling over your words. If you start your sentence with the same sentence that you end your sentence with, either someone in editing screwed up, or you’re an idiot. I’ll go with the latter. Skinny dipping in Puerto Rico wasn’t memorable because you didn’t expect it. It was memorable because she was punching your clown underwater.
-His BS to Courtney continues: “I appreciate the fact you notice me…you’re assertive…sorry if it’s making it hard for you with other women.” Translation: As long you keep giving me private handys whenever you get a chance, it’s all good. Courtney falls back into her woe-is-me mode: “I just want to feel special. I want to keep the spark alive. I’m in Room 1611 just so you know. We can just lay there and be quiet for 15 minutes.” I will agree with Chris Harrison on one thing: Courtney is playing this game better than anyone else on the show and it’s not even close. Of course, the debate has always been and always will be, is this show a game where you are trying to “win,” or do you naturally try and let your feelings develop with someone without pushing the envelope. Oh Courtney has pushed the envelope all right. She’s ripped it up open, read its contents, then shredded everything in it. I’d say Courtney has thrown out whatever rules are to this show and is doing things exactly how she wants to do them, with I’m sure some prodding from the producers. Why the other girls aren’t doing it, I don’t know. Probably cuz they don’t feel he’s all that much of a catch and isn’t worth losing your dignity over. Courtney? Dignity? Please. That washed away last week in the ocean with the rest of Ben’s juices.
-I believe now we are seeing Jamie with her first ever alone time with Ben on a group date. And of course, it was during her time where the producers told Courtney it was perfectly fine to prance around in a bikini and basically soften her peach while she was laying on the beach chair in the background. Yeah, that wasn’t planned at all. Jamie: “It’s been brought to my attention by people here (producers), that it seems like I don’t show you that I like you.” Ben: “Uhhhh, well you don’t. Have you ever tried to pet my one-eyed monster. Didn’t think so.” Which then gives Jamie a severe case of verbal diarrhea. She’s talking 1,000 mph not making any sense, all while Courtney is in a white bikini frolicking around in the pool behind them making Ben’s pants all squishy. Ben: “It’s very difficult to focus.” Jamie: “Right now I would just love to do what I want to do with you.” Ben: “Then why don’t you?” Jamie: “Because I can’t. That skank over there is making me self-conscious.” Ok, she didn’t say that. But it’s what she was thinking. Jamie has gone from Casper the Prude Ghost in the first five episodes to a smelly pirate hooker that should go back to her home on Whore Island in a matter of minutes.
-MC Em gets Ben for some alone time and has some news for him. She tells him that she needs to be honest with him and that she has another man in her life. That man is the chief from the Embera village. For some reason, Ben thought she was being serious at first. They really missed an editing chance on this one. They easily could’ve teased that in last week’s promo having Emily saying the line of “I have another man in my life,” already knowing that most people knew someone on the show this week had a boyfriend. Instead, Emily made Ben look like more of an idiot than he already is since he was actually beginning to believe her story. Kinda like two “Bachelor” seasons ago when they teased Tenley saying “I’m pregnant” and the whole world freaked out. Yeah, like the most innocent, milktoast girl on Jake’s season was gonna be the pregnant one. It was so stupid, and such an awful tease, that they never even showed it in the episode. Ben asks Emily if they are past all the Courtney nonsense, and she says they are. Which was the go ahead for him to jam his tongue down her esophagus. That was unpleasant to witness.
-But now that Eminemily has Ben’s cooties once again, she feels confident enough in her standing on the show to say, “You know what? F**k it. Lets bury the hatchet with Courtney. What could go wrong?” Ummmm, a lot? So she apologizes to Courtney for possibly misjudging her and jumping to conclusions, making her the better woman in this beauty-to-skank battle. Guess what Miss Grumpy Pants response was? “Well, I appreciate you saying that but I had lost all respect for you. I don’t forgive and forget. We’ll never be friends…what, do you want me to bend over and take it up the tailpipe?” I swear. That is not a euphemism that I came up with. Oh yes, Courtney went there. She basically just told Emily “Just bring it, Jabroni. It’s on.” Why do I have a feeling that is not the first time Courtney has ever uttered the phrase “take it up the tailpipe?” Or the last. Ok, that’s it. I’ve had it with these two. Lingerie pillow fight in jello. Right now! There will absolutely be a winner declared, and it won’t be Courtney.
-What made it even more painful for Courtney was the fact that Ben gave Lindzi the group date rose. Of course, I’m sure he probably wanted to give it to Courtney but the producers were like, “Man, haven’t we made it obvious enough already which chick you want to pick. Can we at least give someone else some screen time to at least make the audience THINK you’re interested in someone else?” So Courtney goes back to her room and preps for Ben possibly taking her up on her invitation from earlier in the evening. Remember, room 1611? Although, I thought all the girls shared rooms when traveling, so that could’ve gotten mighty awkward if Ben and Courtney are doing it while Casey S looks on. (UPDATE: An emailer noted that the shot of Courtney waiting for Ben not to show up showed four toothbrushes in her bathroom. So, unless she’s as germophobic as Emily, she did have roommates. These people never get their own room until the final four). However, Ben isn’t showing up and Courtney isn’t happy. “I have a pattern of dating men who appreciate me in the beginning and then take me for granted…I’ve been completely disappointed by men…that’s why I’m excited about Ben…but he never showed up.” Hmmmm, so guys like Courtney in the beginning but then lose interest over time? Gee, that’s unheard of. I can’t imagine why. Has she ever heard the phrase “Hit it and quit it?” I don’t want to say that’s exactly what’s gone on in her past relationships, buuuuuuut, that’s probably what went on in her past relationships.