-Cocktail party time which surrounded the debut of Jamie Otis: American Prude. “I need to show him I’m sexy, I’m a woman, that I would be able to please him and make him happy.” Which, in all honesty, is nice to hear a woman say. What guy wouldn’t want to hear that from his chick? Unfortunately, Jamie has the grace and sexual disposition of a hermit crab. To say her approach was bordering on ridiculous would be an insult to the word ridiculous. Not to mention, this whole scene was obviously set up by producers. I mean, it is clearly obvious they told her going into that rose ceremony cocktail party, “You don’t see to show Ben you like him. This is your last chance. You’re gonna have to ramp up the sexiness or else you’re not getting a rose.” Absolutely they loaded her with alcohol, told her that behind the scenes, and threw her to the wolves. And lets face it, she got slaughtered once she arrived.
-She first starts out by straddling Ben while in a mini skirt that I’m shocked didn’t rip all the way up to her top (By the way, it’s now obvious those were Jamie’s legs in the promos three weeks ago when they showed a girl in a red dress walking into the room to make us think it was Shawntel). In her ITM she says, “Damn, I’m really a prude. I want to turn Ben on.” Well, you know what’s not gonna turn him on? The fact that you took a shower in glitter and you have the promiscuity of a church nun. This is all so forced and awkward, it was like I was watching Ben talk to, well, anyone. And it only got worse. Jamie to Ben: “I go to bed at night, I think of you often, and what I want to do to you.” Yes ladies and gentleman, for the first time I can remember in this show’s history, a woman just admitted to the lead she does the ole feel-and-squeal back in the room late at night when she’s alone. Nice. Why couldn’t this song have been playing during this whole sequence?:
-I mean, lets face it, for the rest of her life, as much as Jamie Otis wants to be in pageants and have a modeling career, I think she has solidified the fact that she will always be remembered as the chick who admitted to doing the disappearing finger trick on national television in hopes of salvaging a relationship with a guy. Out-standing. Jamie could win Miss USA someday and no one will care. They will remember this moment and this moment only that when she got Ben Flajnik alone on national television, she told him to his face that she goes searching for Ms. G when he’s not around. Jamie, I’d say it’d be best right now to not leave your house for the next, oh I don’t know, year or so. Man, if only the judges at the Miss NY pageant could’ve seen this episode before the competition three weeks ago. I’m guessing that Miss Congeniality crown would’ve gone to someone else. Unless of course they didn’t mind that their recipient went on national television and admitted to sliding down the chute for 8 million people to hear.
-And if you thought that was the worst it, you were wrong. Now since she basically overpromised and underperformed with that sorry excuse for a lap dance and make out session, she wants to make it an even bigger fail. Now she’s walking Ben through her latest book, “Making Out 101,” and is instructing him on how she wants to kiss him. “Lets first do it with our mouths closed.” They kiss, mouths closed (I think), and if the cameraman would’ve zoomed in any further, we would’ve seen tonsils. It was AWFUL. Jamie: “Now we’re gonna explore.” Explore? Who says that while kissing someone? Something tells me Jamie has practiced on her stuffed animals numerous times before leading up to this moment. Even Ben has lost his hard on at this point. “It’s like an instruction guide. I can’t handle this.” Yeah, neither can we. Eject! Jamie, I wish you luck in your future endeavors. I really do. But something tells me after that performance, you are going to have plenty of time alone to spank your puppy on the nose.
-Rose ceremony time. Kacie, Lindzi, and Rachel already with roses. Ben: “This week thinking about journey…thinking about trust…trusting myself….I trust you women…means the world to me…Jamie, I’m embarrassed for when this episode airs. Lets hope whoever you meet in the future has never seen this show, nor plans on ever googling your name.”
Nicki: I know it’s Panama, but she seems to get consistently more oily looking than any of the other girls.
Courtney: If I were to have told you before the episode started that there’d be one girl who admits to Ben she enjoys shucking her oyster to the thought of him, what odds would you have given me it was Courtney? 1-to-5? Jamie? 200,000-to-1?
“Ladies, Ben. It’s the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. I’m THIS close to beating Elan on Words with Friends, which is why I’m carrying around my feminine ipad with me during serious moments on the show.”
Emily: I may be biased because it’s obvious she’s my favorite girl this season, but I don’t care. She blew doors on all the other girls at the rose ceremony that night. Gorgeous.
I don’t even remember what Jamie said once she was let go. Nor did I care. I didn’t think Emily could outdo herself from her rap in Episode 1. I was wrong. The “extra” while the credits were rolling was DJ Emmy O busting out yet ANOTHER 18 verse rap which rivaled her other one. Here it was:
“Here’s a little story about a winemaker named Ben,
Who all the single ladies love cuz show-ty was a 10.
One day he said “I love my wine but need some new variety,
I’ll head to Panama and leave behind all the society.”
You need a sexy lady to help find you Sauvignon,
She’s not afraid of wildlife and of course she should be blonde.
So here I am to help you navigate this crazy jungle,
I know about diseases, both bacterial and fungal.
I’ve battled reptiles, tigers, bears, and giant anacondas,
I’ve fought for love in waters filled with seven wild piranhas.
Ill wear a flower head dress and a top made out of coins,
You’ll wear a little cloth that barely covers your loins.
And when the local music plays we’ll dance til we’re dizzy,
Don’t worry about your hair, mine also gets kinda frizzy.
And even if the storm rolls in with rain that’s torrential,
We’ll just find a private hut and explore our love potential.
So if you want the secret to successful survival,
Just come along with me, boy, it’s time to get primal.”
(And yes, Ben followed her performance with yet another Les Miles-like clap. This guy couldn’t be more of a dork if he tried).
Bam! Take that P. Diddy. Step off, Astro. Where you at, Jay-Z? Are you serious? Yet another 18 verses of lyrical genius? Anyone who can mix in bacterial and fungal diseases with exploring her love potential in a private hut gets a 10 in my book. That was tight. I don’t care if she wrote it down again or not. I’m guessing Courtney wouldn’t even be able to find a word to rhyme with her first name and here’s Emily rhyming “Sauvignon” with “should be blonde.” If there ever came a day where someone busted out an 18 verse rap about me even close to on par with this, there’s a chance I could be in love.
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