-Ben introduces all of us to Belize in what has to be the worst looking striped tank top I’ve ever seen. In fact, Ben is in love with tank tops. What’d we see, like, 12 this episode? Geez. I can’t remember the last time I wore a tank top that wasn’t a jersey. This guy is like the spokesman for awfully colored/striped tank tops on the West Coast. The one he had on to start the show had stripes and a pocket. A pocket! Who the hell has a pocket on their tank top? Only fitting that this dork would wear one to fit his pocket protector in. So bummed we never saw that. So the ladies pull up to the Coco Beach Resorts and guess what? They all start “oooohhh-ing” and “ahhhhh-ing” like they do for EVERY resort they show up to. Kinda loses its appeal after a while. Chris Harrison tells them the lowdown for these dates. Ah! A little change-up. There’ll be three 1-on-1 dates (with no roses given out), and one group date, where a rose will be on the line. Whew. Considering his mental capacity pretty much reached its limit with that announcement, I almost saw Chris’ head explode after sharing that with everyone.
-Chris hands the ladies the first date card. Courtney reads it aloud to everyone, which I’m sure took about 10 re-takes because, well, she probably can’t read anything not written in crayon or giant block letters. “Lindzi, Two halves make a whole. Ben.” Which really made no sense since their date consisted of them being dropped into a hole. Shouldn’t they have spelled “hole” on the date card “h-o-l-e.” Ah hell, who cares really? It’s not like Ben wrote the thing because if he did, I’m sure he would’ve written a “…he heh heh…I said whole…he heh heh” after it. Oh wait, that would’ve been me. Sorry. After hearing Lindzi gets the first 1-on-1 (even though there’s still two remaining to be given out), Nicki is filmed in an ITM crying saying, “Maybe I’m realizing that its really real now, and it’s really scary.” Wait, where have we heard that line before? Oh yeah, from the promo at the beginning of the season that I clipped for you saying this was Nicki’s voice. That line starts at the :11 mark:
Not to mention the line she says before it and after it also hers. Except those lines are uttered when she’s in Switzerland. They really love to play with the editing, don’t they?
-Ben comes over to pick up Lindzi for their date. This saddens Emily. She compares it to someone placing a slice of cheesecake in front of you then taking it away. Translation: Ben is a cheesedick…errrrr…cheesecake. Probably the nicest thing you could say about him at this point. A helicopter ride with Lindzi takes them over the Blue Hole. Since it’s the 970th helicopter ride this season, once again, yet another thing that’s gotta start losing its appeal. Been there, done that. However, there hasn’t been a helicopter ride yet this season where both people jump out a la “Sawyer” from Lost style. This should be good. Lindzi is terrified because she doesn’t know if once she jumps, Belize will disappear and start jumping through time and the only Ben who will be able to move it back won’t be Flajnik, it’ll be Ben Linus. And now I’m completely mashing up two different shows cuz it’s damn fun and I miss “Lost.” My third favorite show of all-time behind “24” and “Friday Night Lights.” You know the best part about them jumping from the helicopter? With the propellers causing so much wind force, when Ben turned to kiss Lindzi before the jump, he had Bieber hair. And that’s probably the only time in the history of the world that having Bieber hair actually IMPROVED someone’s look.
-Kinda like when Ben and Jennifer were dropped into the crater hole in Salt Lake, although it probably was a little scary, it’s not like these two were dropped from 2,000 feet in the air. That helicopter was hovering pretty close to the water before they jumped and, as far as I could tell, they landed in water, not on asphalt. The only thing Lindzi should’ve been worried about was her bikini flying off once the force of her body hit the water. Not like it would’ve mattered anyway. Ben’s already seen someone naked in the water this season. Lindzi would’ve been yesterdays news if that happened. Ben probably would’ve yawned about it and been like, “Yeah, show me something I haven’t already seen, woman. Be gone.” Lindzi is thrilled with her jump. “Holy shitballs! I jumped out of a helicopter. That was crazy.” Yes, it was. The only thing crazier would’ve been if your bikini would’ve flown off BEFORE hitting the water, then we all could’ve gotten a free shot. Oh wait, that was later. I hope you all were paying attention.
-Back at the hotel, Emily’s date card arrives and it says…wait for it…”Do you Belize in love?” If that ridiculous line wasn’t reason enough for Emily to say, “You know what? Thanks but no thanks. I’ll skip this one” then I don’t know what was. How about this, “Emily, Can you f***in Belize how much I’ve fallen for Courtney?” I think that would’ve been a more appropriate date card. Once the second 1-on-1 date has now been revealed, and it’s not hers, Courtney’s math skills are kicking into full gear. Three minus two equals one, which means now she has only one opportunity left to get the final 1-on-1 date for the week. She’s crying. “I want to kill myself. It’s disappointing.” Basically Courtney says that she’s sick of group dates, she doesn’t know how Ben feels about her anymore, and that if she doesn’t get a 1-on-1, it probably mean he doesn’t like her anymore. She then played the violin, whipped up some more tears, and got a pat on the back from producers who thought she played the woe-is-me role perfectly, since they obviously knew she’d be getting the last 1-on-1 and she just gave them the exact footage they needed.
-Back on Ben and Lindzi’s date, they walk the pier and sit down to have dinner and wine. Lindzi admits that she’s falling love with Ben, but knows that he’s also got “five other girlfriends right now, so I’m a little guarded.” Yeah, for a girl that gets all the way to the final two, we really haven’t seen much of Lindzi since her date in San Francisco eating ice cream, riding the trolley, and playing the piano. So I’m sure she was well aware that she had to step her game up on the date before hometowns were decided. And boy did she ever. These two walked to the other end of the pier after dinner and as they sat down on the dock, the wind, coupled with Lindzi’s light, airy dress, gave everyone with a DVR and a pause button a nice glancing shot at her baby maker. Ummmm, not saying that I paused it, you know, errrrr, I had my friends call me and tell me about it. I was having none of that. I wouldn’t dare focus on such a thing when it wasn’t at all her fault. With that said, even though Ben was to the side of her, I wonder if he went back into the production room afterwards and asked to get a replay. You know the boys in the control room had that thing running on a loop in slow-mo with their pants down.
-Lindzi and Ben are sitting on the dock and she starts to tell him exactly what he needs to hear to secure a hometown date. “I’ll never forget this day…leap of faith…I want to take a leap of faith with my heart…I’m falling for you…excited for this.” That’s a lot of leaping. Especially for a dude that has already made whoopee in the ocean with Courtney. But hey, have at it. Try and win over his penis. You’ve got your work cut out for you though. So Ben and Lindzi now have a paper, a bottle, and a pen to write a note to seal up and send it off into the ocean. They decide they’re going to draw a picture of them jumping from the helicopter on one side, then write a fairytale about them on the other. I didn’t have the time, nor the energy, to exactly follow this fairytale and write it down word for word, but I think I got all of it. Here’s what it said:
“Once upon a time, there was a man named Ben
And a woman named Lindzi, who was very pretty.
But there was also Courtney and she showed Ben her cooter in Puerto Rico.