Dr. Reality Steve
Been a couple weeks since I’ve had to throw on my Dr. Reality Steve hat. But after watching episodes of “Couples Therapy,” I’m in the zone now to dissect other people’s problems. My extensive knowledge is the relationship/sex/dating world is priceless. Do with it what you will, but just remember, I’m pretty much always right.
Please help me to help my older sister. She’s a bright girl (a nurse working on her PhD) but dumb as a brick when it comes to men. She’s 30 and she’s been married twice, engaged once, and now in a semi-relationship with a man that’s in his late 50s. Her first husband was a stupid drunk that wasted money. His moment of brightness was when he did a trick with a gun in front of our very young sisters and ended up shooting a hole in the wall. They ended up divorcing when he became addicted to online gambling and she had an affair. Her next husband was an angry, crazy alcoholic that she knew for less than a year before they got married. She cheated and then left him, which led him to threaten to report her to the IRS for tax fraud or something. As I said, he’s crazy. She ended up engaged to a sober drug addict that was living on the streets. He used her for a place to live and a way to pay for pot and alcohol, as well as encouraging her to drink. His moment of greatness: we’re having a family dinner at a restaurant and he asks the waiter, “Do you know what the origin of f*** is?” and later tells everyone that he can’t wait to marry my sister so that he will be related to me. He doesn’t care about marrying her because he loves her, just that he wants to irritate me because we don’t get along. She finally wised up and kicked him back out on the streets (I think he’s living in a car that she bought him). Now, she’s “dating” a man that’s our mother’s age. I use the term dating loosely because he is very secretive about their relationship. He is still leading on his ex-wives and he doesn’t like to be seen with my sister when other women are around. This man is not attractive, polite, sweet, caring, intelligent, or successful, and he is addicted to prescription drugs. My sister says she is in love with him, but he just uses her. He has my sister take care of his mother and children, and has moved his adult daughter and grandson into her home. Thankfully, my sister hasn’t had kids with any of these losers. I don’t know what to tell her to make her see what she is doing to herself. She is overweight, but not obese, and I don’t think her weight has given her low self-esteem. Most of her excess weight is in her breasts (46FF, all natural). I’d like to see her be happy with a man that treats her well. She is a giving and wonderful person. What should I say?
Comment: Wow. Well you’re right on one count – your sister has low self-esteem. She chooses to be with these men that aren’t marriage/father/dating material for a reason. I’m not sure what it is since I don’t know her, but someone who keeps making the same mistake over and over and over has no one to blame but themselves.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had a sit-down with your sister to discuss all this and call her out on her choice of men, but if you haven’t, you probably should. Maybe it’ll help, maybe it won’t, but she at least needs to hear it. Women who constantly go after men like this have some deep rooted problems that probably only family members or counseling could get out of them. I’d talk to her, tell her you care about her future and if she keeps going down this path of dating destructive losers, you will distance yourself more and more. The fact that she’s staying with a guy who treats you like garbage really isn’t saying much about her. I thought blood was thicker than water? You need to tell her how you feel and if she doesn’t listen, as hard as it may be, even though you will always be her sister, maybe you just aren’t there for her as much anymore when problems arise in her relationships. And we know they will.
Dr. Reality Steve,
My boyfriend and I don’t often spend the night together, but we did last night. He told me this morning that I am a tornado in bed and “snore like a man.” He woke me up to have me move because I was so hot he started sweating. He seems to be willing to put up with my sleeping habits, presumably because we don’t spend the night together on a regular basis. How annoying is it to sleep with someone who snores and kicks and rolls around all night? Do any of those anti-snore products really work? Do you have any suggestions to help me become a more pleasant nighttime companion? Should I just make up for it in the morning with sexual advances? I don’t want him to have a bad night’s sleep on the rare occasion we can be together overnight. Any advice would be appreciated.
Comment: Incredibly annoying. Kind of a deal breaker for me. Thankfully, I’ve only been with one girl where it was unbearable to be in bed with her at night because of the snoring, but that was just the icing on the cake. It’s not like she was perfect in every other area but because she snored I sh**canned her. Far from it. But constant snorers are no doubt difficult to deal with.
I’ve never dealt with snoring products, but it can’t hurt to help. Trust me, if you don’t get this taken care of, it will become a problem. Talk to a doctor, do whatever you need to do to rectify it because unless he’s a heavy sleeper (which it doesn’t seem like he is since he’s already said you snore like a man), it’s going to be an issue for him. Google stuff on the internet and maybe you’ll find things that other people have done to cure it.
I don’t even think morning sex will change his stance on your snoring since if you kept him up all night with it, he’s probably gonna want to sleep in.
Dear Dr. Reality Steve,
I’m emailing you because I need honest and blunt advice from the guy’s perspective so why not anonymously email some guy who I’ve never met but writes & publishes a reality TV blog on the internet that I read…haha…anyway, here’s the situation…
There is this guy who has come in and out of my life for the last almost 10 years. We met in college (I was a senior, he was a grad student) a few months before we both graduated and left to pursue life & careers in different states. It was a fun college dating thing – walks around campus, drinking at bars/parties, and we would hook up. But we never slept together – he never tried, but we did everything else.
Between college and now we’ve seen each other at different times when he happened to be in the city where I live for various reasons. Then a few years went by without seeing each other (probably because we were both in relationships). Now I’m 29 and he is in his early 30s and we are both single again. Over the last 6 months he’s been in town a few times for work trips. He’s texted me each time and we’ve met up for drinks – totally innocent. It was fun to catch up, it was semi-flirty, and he even mentioned a few times that I should visit (we are about 4/5 hours apart). The last time he came in town (about a month ago) we went to dinner & drinks and later that evening ended up hooking up. Since then he’s texted me a few times (he initiated it) but now it’s died off.
So what’s the deal? I want to believe there is something more here than just when it’s convenient he’s interested. I’ll admit that I’ve always put him on a pedestal – he’s one of the most fun, smart, and wholesome/stand-up guys I’ve known (family is important, has never tried to sleep with me, goes to church every Sunday, just a good soul). But I don’t want to be stupid and make the dumb girl excuses (“well we don’t live in the same state so that’s why” or “he’s training for a marathon so he’s busy right now” or “he keeps contacting me for a reason” etc.) so I’m asking for your advice. Should I try to pursue something with him or do I need to just move on – let go that as much as I want to think he’s the perfect guy for me he isn’t because it would have happened by now and stop thinking about him? I’d like to hear your blunt opinion so don’t hold back.
Comment: First and foremost, have you asked him about it? After you guys hooked up, did you discuss it at all? If he dismissed it and hasn’t brought it up since, that’s not a good sign, and probably just means he likes you, but wants to keep it at a friends with benefits level.
Tough to tell you what to do since I’m not you. Sounds like you like the guy and would like to see where things could go but have yet to bring it up. Well, as the saying goes, “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.” You won’t know until you ask. Maybe not directly, but you can tell if a guy wants you more than just a hookup. And if it’s just a hookup, you need to decide if that’s something you’re still interested in doing. But if you keep going down that road, yet never get your answer, he’ll never provide you one. Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free? Geez. I’m just full of expressions today. Figure out what YOU want out of this guy and your “relationship” and confront him on it. Otherwise, I’m guessing he’ll never bring it up and things will remain as is.
I have absolutely no one I can talk to about this and need some outside perspective…I’ll start with some background…I have been married for 12 years, got married at a young age – separated from my husband twice for short periods of time (once for 3 weeks and once for 2 months), but got back together both times. This was all before having children. Shortly after we got back together the 2nd time we started having children. We now have 2 beautiful children together who we both love dearly. The problem – we don’t really love each other anymore, we fight constantly and have both pretty much admitted that we are only together because of our children. We’ve been to marriage counseling before, it helps, but is more of a band aid, we never stick with it. So, recently I’ve been corresponding privately with a male co-worker who is also married with children, over email. The conversations stick to mainly our shared interests. There is some personal stuff, but it’s kept very light, and some joking around – even mentioning our spouses & children. This has been going on for about 2 weeks, every day, mostly at night, but sometimes it’s back and forth all day. And one time he did give me his text # in-case I wanted to text him, but I haven’t. I only see him at work once in awhile, and the last time (after all this started) was kind-of awkward for me at least because I was so nervous around him & it felt like he was nervous around me & I felt him looking at me, & locked eyes once from across the room. I have feelings for him, which is crazy because I don’t even know him that well and for all I know he thinks nothing of our emails?! Basically it’s all driving me a little crazy, I think about him constantly. I’m feeling so depressed because I have no idea how he feels about me and yes, I know it’s all wrong and I feel like a horrible person for even feeling this way about someone else. My question to you is do you think he’s interested in me or have I just boarded the crazy-train???? I know you are going to say, get a divorce, go to counseling, etc. I know all this, I am a stay at home mom and feel very stuck here.
Comment: You answered your own question. Although, I do think the feelings you have towards this guy are more lust than anything. You’ve been talking to him only two weeks, and you’ve never been out with him. So any feelings you have towards are strictly lustful because you’re not in love with your husband, and someone else is paying attention to you.
I don’t know if he’s interested in you since I don’t know him. If you’re really curious if he is, you need to address it with him. And if he is and wants to pursue something, then well, it’s up to you what to do. But if you’ve already admitted you and your husband aren’t in love with each other anymore and are only staying together because of the kids, and already dismissing divorce, counseling, etc., it sounds like you don’t even care to try and save your marriage. Sucks that you’re in the position you’re in, but it sounds like you just need to just get a divorce. Trust me, I’m well aware plenty of marriages stay together because of kids, but that doesn’t make it right.
I guess you should ask yourself why you are even staying together him in the first place? What’s preventing you from leaving outside of the kids? Does he financially support you? Do you feel like you’d be lonely without him and wouldn’t be able to find anyone else? Everyone seems to think the grass is greener on the other side, but sometimes it’s not. I don’t know anything about you and your husband, but you either need to address your problems with him by going to counseling, or just end it. I’m sure your kids will eventually see their parents marriages sucks and maybe that will affect them in the future.