-So we start off with them showing us a backstory of Emily with daughter Ricki. Basically showing us all the mommy and daughter things the two of them do – play in the park, make pancakes, and rip up photos that she drew with Brad Womack. Or not. The video package basically just makes us believe that Emily is a lonely, dateless woman who goes to bed at 8:00 every night and can’t find love and she needs this show to find her husband. I even like the shot of her getting into an empty bed and reading a book all alone. I bet it was “50 Shades of Grey”. Once the lights went off and cameras left, she probably went to town on herself. Is Brad just sitting at home with a footlong sub in his hand kicking himself watching this? This can’t be fun for him. Obviously, that’s not the case. Just google “Emily Maynard boyfriends” and you’ll get plenty of info of what she’s about and who she’s dated, even since the Brad breakup. Not saying it as a negative, just pointing out that she definitely has a certain type and she doesn’t struggle to find guys into her. That’s the least of her problems. But hey, a tv show throws money your way, you get a six week vacation to meet 25 guys, why would she pass it up? Sure she swore up and down for months she’d never do it, but ehhhhh, no biggie. I mean, the show has such a tremendous track record of producing marriages for SINGLE people, I can only imagine the success they’ll have with a single mom.
-I understand Emily had a serious tragedy in her life as we all know. And no one wishes that upon anyone. I’m just not so sure Chris Harrison and the show need to keep saying in interviews “she’s had such a tough life.” Losing the father of her child right after finding out she was pregnant? Awful. However, I’d say Emily has made out pretty well for herself since then. She’s 26 years old, doesn’t have a full time job, has a house, and is set financially for the rest of her life because the Hendricks family are the grandparents of her child. So although tragedy did happen, the show needs to back off the “tough life” stuff because frankly, I’m guessing any single mom out there that’s raising 2 or even 3 kids and has to work a 9-5 job probably isn’t feeling all that sympathetic towards Emily. And I’m sure Emily isn’t asking for anyone’s sympathy either, but the nauseating way the show is kind of shoving it down our throats is pretty transparent. If Emily never signed up to do the “Bachelor” or the “Bachelorette,” her life would be just fine. She doesn’t need this show, but the opportunity presented itself, and I guess she decided it’d be fun to do. I don’t fault anyone for accepting the lead role in this gig. As long as we don’t hear her complain about anything whatsoever, then it’s all good. She knew what she was getting into so any media scrutiny or backlash is all on her. Based on what I’ve read, she’s ready to handle it. Time will tell.
-Ohhhh sweet. They’re re-hashing the Brad breakup. From when he was asking her to make him the happiest man on the face of the earth in South Africa, to her sitting down with Chris talking about their breakup – ahhhh, the memories. Maybe we should’ve got behind-the-scenes footage of her poking the bear the bear turning into the Incredible Hulk. Or their “knock down drag out fights” they both admitted to on the ATFR show. Now she’s riding around on a horse thinking about her future. I really wish they could’ve had her riding around that thing Bo Derek-style from “Tarzan the Ape Man” (google it), but I guess that’s asking too much, huh? Forgot this was network television. Apparently we aren’t getting that visual this season. Dammit. Emily is talking about being heartbroken, but, “it’s time to put on your big girl panties and move on with it.” I don’t want to see Emily in big girl panties frankly. Boy shorts, thongs, hiphuggers, bikinis, cheekies, garters, and v-strings, hey I’m all for that. But something about Emily Maynard in granny panties makes me lose my erection. Please don’t ever utter that phrase again. Lets keep it a little more sexy this season and we’ll all be fine.
-Time for some hometown videos to meet the lovely gentlemen Emily will get to meet this season, you know, with them putting their best foot forward. These can be awfully deceiving to say the least.
Kalon: “I’m a young fun guy with a few dollars in my pocket. I can wine, I can dine…I’m the modern Southern gentlemen.” And to think he was gonna end that sentence with something completely different talking about a number between 68 and 70, way to show restraint, Douchey McDouchenstein. Good God, this guy deserves whatever crap he takes from the guys this season. If the first impression you’re telling all of America is that you’ve got money, you can fully expect an onslaught of disgust towards you and your fish lips.
Ryan: He has messy hair, played professional football, and now trains kids. I use the words “professional football” loosely. He was not on any NFL rosters as far as I know, and Arena League football, although it has produced a few players who have gone on to decent NFL careers, basically it’s the red headed step child of the NFL. It’s a gimmick. Any league that Terrell Owens can play in, be a part owner in, and pick and choose what games he wants to participate in, then yeah, that’s not the NFL. He played in the minor leagues of college and pro football, lets make that clear. But hey, seems like a cool guy that can’t dance (as evidenced by the date next week), and has bed head 24 hours a day.
Tony: He buys and sells lumber and plywood. If there is a more boring and uninteresting job in all of America, I’ve yet to hear about it. I loved how he tried to make it seem interesting during his video package. It isn’t. At all. Nice try, Tony. The only wood that’s interesting is happening while I’m watching Emily the MILF prance around in her nightie while putting on makeup with Ricki. Outstanding, in six paragraphs, I’ve already gotten in two erection references. This is going to be a long season. Now that’s three.
Lerone: I honestly don’t care what he said in his video package. We all know why Lerone was cast on this show and it had nothing to do with him being a potential fit to be Emily’s future husband. Please. This show is very transparent sometimes.
David: A songwriter from New York that even wrote Emily a song which, if I’m not mistaken, had heard her name in every third word of the chorus. This guy is going places. That takes serious talent.
Charlie: He tells us about plunging 15 feet off a balcony and suffering four broken ribs, a fractured spine, and a traumatic brain injury (you can read about that here) which, in turn, led him to apply for this show since it seems to cast plenty of people who’ve suffered some serious brain injuries. And to make sure all the ladies swoon, he drops this doozy on us: “I may have had a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with my heart.” Awwwwww, what a cute little meathead. Just don’t invite him to any backyard BBQ’s and you should be good.
Jef: “Very rarely do people take me seriously.” Outstanding. Is that really something you want to tell everyone watching this show, especially since we know you last until at least the final three? And if people in your everyday life don’t take you seriously (and why would they with your Bruno Mars haircut), why should any of us? Oh Jef. This is going to be quite an interesting season covering you.
Arie: Has a racing background on the Indy circuit, and he’s worried about that because of Emily’s ties to the racing world. But he does want to be married, lets make that known. Really? Cuz that’s not even close to what I’ve heard buddy. Oh don’t worry, I think the “Arie Luyendyk: This is Your Life” column that I promised on Twitter a few weeks ago will be coming shortly. Just making sure I have everything lined up. For the time being, quick memo to all media members who get to interview Chris Harrison or Emily Maynard: How about you start asking legitimate questions like, “Chris, you posted on Twitter a year ago a picture of you in a racing suit thanking Arie Jr. Why is someone you know cast on the show?” Or how about, “Emily, does it bother you at all that Arie used to date your producer, Cassie Lambert, and that he’s stayed in touch with her this whole time?” You might as well get to the good stuff and quit lobbing these softball questions where neither person will reveal anything remotely interesting.