Reality Steve

The Bachelorette 8 - Emily

The Bachelorette Recap: Wait, There is No Love Clock?

-They started the show off by showing us some of the local footage of the coverage the show was getting in Charlotte. Chopper 9 guy, Scott Wickersham, was reporting from high above Charlotte with an aerial shot of the mansion and claiming that’s where they were shooting Emily’s season. You think Scott Wickersham had wood last night watching that show. I’m guessing the guy has been bumping around local TV stations his whole life reporting traffic news, probably starting out in market #300 and working his way up the ladder. Then last night he gets 10 seconds on a nationally televised show watched by 8 million people a week for his big chance. Let me tell you something, if Scott Wickersham doesn’t have that clip uploaded already to his demo reel firing it off to every Top 10 market, he’s nuts. Scott, ABC just made your day. Now do something with it. And oh yeah, I’m not surprised in the least bit that a “Chopper 9” guy is named Scott Wickersham. Doesn’t that just SOUND like a news guys name? Surprised it wasn’t Traffy McTrafficstein.

-Chris brings the boys into the courtyard to explain how this show works. You know, because the first 23 seasons were so confusing, the guys are clueless as to what happens next. Chris: “Let me tell you how this works…” Oh please do, Chris. Is it that Emily goes on a speed dating date with the rest of the guys and chooses someone to marry her right then and the show only lasts 2 episodes? Or maybe how it works is, Emily plays “Pin the Tail on the Donkey,” and whoever gets pinned gets to bear her next child? This is so confusing. I’m glad you’re making $60,000 per episode to help us out here cuz we’d definitely be lost without you. The date card goes to Ryan and it says, “Be my king in the Queen City.” Charlotte is the “Queen City?” I thought it was the Bo-Rounds city? And the Bojangles capital of the world? Ryan definitely got the short end of the stick in terms of who had the better 1-on-1 date last night, but not because of what he had to do, but because of what he DIDN’T get to do. No Bojangles for Ryan. Sucks for him. Let me just say, I may or may have not tasted Bojangles in my lifetime.

-Emily picks up Ryan in her white Tahoe for their date and is assessing the situation already. “The last guy I really dated was Brad…he was good looking…and we all know how that turned out.” No, we don’t actually. Why don’t you fill us in a little bit more? I figured after getting beaten over the head with it for 6 months, that wasn’t enough. Please, fill us all in on what happened so we can be bludgeoned in the face more with it. Ryan is now relegated to Emily’s “Honey Do” list for the day. I’m sure he’s ecstatic about this. He has to carry in groceries from the car and bake cookies for Ricki’s soccer practice. Wait, huh? Olivia plays soccer. I’m well aware that on game day, one of the kids parents is responsible for supplying the snacks after the game, but after practice? Are cookies really the nutritional meal our youth soccer kids of America need after running around at practice for an hour? Whatever the case, Ryan got sucked into this and is now wearing an apron in Emily’s kitchen. This should be the other way around and Emily should have that thing on. And be barefoot. And baking a pie. Naked.

-Back at the mansion, the guys are discussing whether or not they think Ryan will meet Ricki. Some think he will, some think he won’t. Why this was even shown was ridiculous. Did anyone think for a second that Emily was going to introduce her daughter on camera to a guy she met for the first time two days ago? Yeah, probably not. And if emasculating Ryan in the kitchen with an apron wasn’t enough, he now gets to ride shotgun on the way to Ricki’s soccer practice and sit in the car by himself like a little puppy while Emily goes and drops off the treats. I was half expecting for Ryan to be sticking his head out the passenger seat window slobbering all over it while panting. Geez. I realize this is Emily’s life and whoever is lucky enough to be her choice in the end gets to participate in all these fun filled routines every day, but man, Ryan got the shaft. He can talk all he wants about how exciting and fun this date is, but lets be honest, the guy has got to be thinking at what point can he actually not have to deal with Mommy Emily and just get MILF Emily. Hopefully sooner rather than later because watching Ryan on his “Honey Do” list date is boring the piss out of me.

-They arrive at Osso restaurant while the whole city of Charlotte is there to greet them. If you remember when this date was taking place back on March 16th, I was actually in New York at the time live tweeting what was happening since God knows how many people you saw in that crowd were forwarding me videos and pictures that they were taking. My friends Eliza, Robyn, Rachel, Stephanie and few others were all judging Ryan from the get go since I was showing them the photos while we were at dinner as I posting them to Twitter. And as I said that night, I’ll say again. It seemed like Ryan barely cracked a smile during the whole time walking Emily through the crowd before and after dinner. Maybe he didn’t want to acknowledge the crowd, or maybe he was terrified. Either way, he seemed much too tense on the date and that was before Emily started grilling him about his past girlfriends. Yikes. What was that all about? She immediately started in after the toast with, “Ok, how many ex’s do you have? What are their names? Can I get their phone numbers? Where do they bank at?” They went back and forth about the chase in a relationship, and what happens after the fact, because Emily’s been burned by that before. Says she doesn’t want anyone who’s there to win. Honey, guys are competitive by nature. They all want to “win,” because they know the perks that come with winning. Not the least of which is getting to have sex with you.

-These two also talked a lot about kids. Emily informing Ryan that the emasculating that he suffered earlier in the day would basically turn into a daily occurrence if he ends up in her life for the long run. Ryan seemed ok by that. Well, at least publicly he did. I’m guessing he’s just going along with it for the sake of wanting to stay on the show for the time being. And considering no person in the history of this show has ever not gotten a rose on the first date of the season, we kinda knew what was happening on this date. Of course, Ryan had to drop the Best Line of the Night #2 on Emily during dinner. Ryan: “I find you to be the most attractive today in your kitchen.” Whoa. Is that really something a woman wants to hear? I mean, I get what he was saying, but uhhhhhhhh, probably not something that Emily really needed to hear considering she got dressed to the nine’s tonight for you in that hot ass dress. But you’d rather see her in sweats slaving around the house. Sure you do. And Kalon likes shopping at Wal-Mart.

-Emily has a concern about Ryan: he’s too perfect. “Ryan is almost too perfect. He reminds me of Brad.” Uh oh. This can’t end well for Ryan now. If there’s one person you don’t want Emily to compare you to, it’s Brad Womack. Because, well, they didn’t make it in case you hadn’t heard. I guess Emily poked the bear too much, bear get angry, bear gets in “knock down drag out fights,” bear and Emily break up numerous times, bear and Emily get back together numerous times, then bear and Emily break up for good. So unless you think that’s a good thing, never a good sign that Emily compared you to Brad. Another way you’re similar to Brad? You guys dance alike. Back on the 16th, I noticed how awkward and uncomfortable Emily and Ryan’s dance looked, and frankly, it came across even worse watching it back last night. I understand that very few people in this world’s first dance on their first date is in front of a bunch of strangers with numerous cameras and boom mikes surrounding you, but Ryan barely looked at her when they were dancing. He dropped a couple “You look beautifuls,” “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” and “I’m happy you’re here’s” on her, but ultimately, I know a lot of the female audience probably loved Ryan, but I just didn’t see anything in their date to make me think she wanted him, regardless of the spoilers. Oh well. He now has free reign of any girl from a previous “Bachelor” season. Have at it, Ryan. I’m sure you’ve been in contact with a few already.

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  1. liz123

    May 24, 2012 at 7:21 AM

    Steve’s “semen in the shower” comments didn’t offend my sensibilities… the comments were just unnecessary. I mean, really, don’t you have to be like a 14 year old boy to think that’s funny? It’s just not. It’s like thinking fart jokes are funny. HaHaHa, I farted. It’s very Beavis-&-Butthead-esque. Really? That’s all you’ve got?!

    The truth is, though, 99% of us come here for spoilers, so I think most of us could give a sh*t less if his recaps are funny or not– as long as the spoilers are there. Sadly, they’re just not. And I have a feeling they’re not gonna be. If he doesn’t even have spoilers for the first few episodes yet, it’s not looking good.

  2. cubsfan2785

    May 24, 2012 at 7:42 AM

    Does anyone have any recommendations on other sites to see spoilers? Maybe not episode by episode spoilers, but at least who is F1? I haven’t found anywhere that Jef is F1. All I can find is the final 2. 🙁
    I like the inside information that Steve gives (like the fake Love Clock) which is why I read this blog. If he keeps adding those in the episode recaps, I will keep reading.
    As for the guys, the first episode I thought Kalon was the king of douches. After Monday’s episode, I liked him a lot more. I’m from Texas, and I got an email a few years back that was written exactly like the one RS posted. So I am pretty sure it was the same email. He was a douche then, and I hope he has changed. He is acting like it.

  3. CaliGirl

    May 24, 2012 at 8:25 AM

    cubsfan- Here you go..

    You’ll have to create a username and password. Most of the spoilers are under the “Bachelorette 8 Sleuthing – Filming Updates – Spoilers” forum. I usually scroll to the last page and just read the recent stuff. It really doesn’t take long to find the spoilers. Apparently Love_Me is the one that said Jef is the F1 and she (he?) is also the one who first reported that Brad chose Emily instead of Chantal and that Ali chose Roberto and not no one.

  4. aatxcutie

    May 24, 2012 at 8:33 AM

    Good one @bark, except I think Steve has been able to discredit himself all by himself. We’re just along for the ride now, and patiently waiting for the ep-by-eps.

  5. Dianne

    May 24, 2012 at 10:33 AM

    @liz123 – I couldn’t agree with you more about Steve’s immature humour (if that’s what you want to call it). Truthfully, I think Steve has the spoilers, every one of them including F1, but is totally getting off on making us wait it out. Again, his immature humour is showing, and it’s not very attractive.

  6. cubsfan2785

    May 24, 2012 at 12:54 PM

    @caligirl- Thanks so much! I know where I will be spending most of my time at work now.

  7. karynr

    June 4, 2012 at 3:34 PM

    There are some really good blogs that are not only funny, but the bloggers are decent individuals who treat their readers with appreciation. There are some really good ones written by ex-contestants such as Ashley Spivey (she is absolutely adorable), Stag, Trista and quite a few more. They are so much better than the drivel RS has come up with lately. They may not be first with the spoilers, but lately, many of the sites have the same info within minutes.

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