-Chris forgot his bullhorn again this week and is screaming at the guys to join him in the courtyard. He has a BIG announcement to make. You know, like HUGE. You’ll never guess what it is. Yep, this week’s dates. And to think some of you thought he was going to tell them that show’s filming had been stopped so he and Emily could elope. Nope. That wasn’t it. He says there’s a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and the 2-on-1. Gasp! He hasn’t had to explain the 2-on-1 yet this season, so if any of these guys have never seen the show or couldn’t figure out 1st grade math, it means two of them get a date with Emily, one gets a rose and one doesn’t. Guys heads must be spinning over that announcement. Quick shot to Bermuda and there’s Emily walking the beaches with Ricki. She tells us that “I can’t wait to come back to Bermuda, maybe pregnant, pushing baby strollers.” Huh? Sure Bermuda sounds like a hell of a place to vacation, but do you really want to head back there when you’ve got a bun in the oven? Isn’t that a place to go to when you WANT to conceive a child, not necessarily when it looks like you’re carrying a watermelon under your sundress?
-The date card arrives and it’s for Doug. It says, “Let our senses lead the way.” Considering this date showed maybe four seconds of them in a perfume store, that was really a misleading date card. Probably should’ve read something more like, “Doug, if you’re able to control that wild ass temper of yours, join me for a romantic walk downtown and dinner. Please don’t strangle me. Emily.” Alejandro seems very upset that date card didn’t go to him. Alejandro, let me tell you something, if that date would’ve went to you, I think all of America would’ve been upset. Alejandro: “I’m one of the only guys who hasn’t had a 1-on-1.” Huh? There’s 13 guys in Bermuda right now. More guys there haven’t had 1-on-1’s than have. You, Jef, John, Sean, Travis, Kalon, Michael, and Charlie all haven’t had 1-on-1’s yet in case you weren’t paying attention. That’s 8 that haven’t, 5 that have. Maybe if you weren’t cast on the show as filler, you’d have had one by now. But since there was a better chance of Emily growing a third eyeball than you getting a 1-on-1, I’d pipe down if I were you. Then again, Doug is clueless about 1-on-1’s so maybe it should’ve gone to someone else. Doug: “So, if I don’t get a rose, I go home?” Wow. Doug’s definitely not playing with a full deck. Yes Doug, that’s correct. No rose, you’re gone. Unless you’re Kasey, and Ali just needed to some extra time to think about it. But then again, Doug wouldn’t know about that since he’d never seen the show before this season and didn’t have a clue who Emily was before signing on.
-Before Doug’s date, the rest of the guys decide to poke the bear since, well, apparently they know how much of an insecure, hot headed, whiny baby Doug can be. A lot of them start teasing him and making him nervous to the point where you could literally feel the heat coming out of your TV of Doug’s blood boiling. Hell, even Alejandro was getting under this guy’s skin. Seriously. Alejandro. The guy that Doug could probably clean in between his teeth with was upsetting him to the point of agitation. Then Arie piled on and it looked like Doug was going to rip through his shirt and turn green. Arie even called the guy the Hulk. Arie: “Doug angry. Doug smash. Doug sad.” Emily comes in at the perfect time (i.e. – on cue) and Doug pretends like he’s the happiest-go-lucky camper on the planet. If only she could’ve arrived a few minutes later, maybe she could’ve seen him put both his hands on the side of Alejandro’s head and squash his cranium like a coconut.
-Emily and Doug are walking in downtown Bermuda on their date and Emily says the obligatory, “I don’t think there’s anyone else I’d rather spend the day with…” Didn’t she say the exact same thing when scaling the building with Chris? Or dollying around Dollywood with Arie? Sh*t, she even actually said the same thing about Joe, and she sh*tcanned him by the end of the date. So lets just assume from now on when Emily says, “There’s no one else I’d rather spend the day with…” she doesn’t mean a word of it. Especially if the names Sean, Arie, or Jef don’t follow that sentence since those are really the only three guys she seems to like. I think we saw her kissing Ryan in a future promo, so, are those the only 4 guys she makes out with all season? Anyway, these two sit down at some steps, and Doug immediately starts in with, “Being a daddy…” Oh boy. Here we go again. Doug is a one trick pony. It’s either always about him being a dad or, well, nothing else. But since he brought it up, Emily thinks it’d be a great idea to write a postcard to his son Austin from Bermuda. Which is very difficult to do when the wind is blowing and your hair is flying all in your face, like Emily’s was. But she braved the elements and got through it, and was able to write a postcard to Austin that I’m sure Doug ripped up, stomped on, then threw in the fire once he got home. Or better yet, probably mailed it back to Emily’s with blood stains, skull and crossbones, and “Die Emily Die” written all over it. Maybe even squeezed in a “Laces Out” on there. Cuck-koo, cuck-koo.
-Hey look! Probably another made up prop set up by the ABC producers for Emily’s date. There’s an arch that looks like a half moon and Emily tells Doug that’s called “Moon Gate.” It’s supposedly where married couples, engaged couples, two people dating, or even guys take their mistresses to where you’re supposed to make a wish about love and happiness before walking underneath it. And the Moon Gate was so sacred to Emily she shared out loud what her wish was. “To not be single forever.” Uhhh, Emily, you’re supposed to keep wishes to yourself. When you were a kid, did you yell out your wish before blowing out the candles too? Anyway, Love Clock, meet the Moon Gate. Moon Gate, meet the Love Clock. Now, I know for a fact the Love Clock was made up just for the show purposes. Haven’t received any emails yet about the Moon Gate, nor do I care to look it up. I’ll just assume it’s fake like pretty much most of this show is. It’s much more fun if the Moon Gate doesn’t even exist and Doug made a wish that’ll never come through. Just don’t tell him. He might break you over his knee. After walking through the Moon Gate, these two head to dinner and Doug tells Emily he’s most happy that they were able to send that postcard to Austin. Emily still thinks Doug is too perfect, and once again, compares him to Brad. If you’re compared to Brad, that’s never a good thing in Emily’s world. It’d probably be more of a compliment to Doug at this point if she compared him to Jeremy Shockey.
-Emily is starting to grill Doug because she’s getting tired of his “Everything I say is what you want to hear” routine. She asks him to tell her what bad things his ex would say about him? Doug: “That I spend too much time with my son.” Uhhhh, wrong answer. Again. So after thinking about it more, he’s got it. “I didn’t wash her car enough.” Yeah, probably not. Doug, it’s ok to admit you have faults. We all have them. And the fact that you left out “a temper on par with the big bad wolf” was probably the downfall to you and Emily’s relationship. She doesn’t want to keep hearing how much you love your son, or what charity you started, or that you’re a mature 33 year old ready for a relationship. Maybe Doug just should’ve brought a copy of the police report back in 2000 when he shot off firearms in the backyard of his girlfriend at the time. Hell, that probably would’ve impressed Emily. At least it would’ve shown the guy had a bit of an edge to him as opposed to the vanilla side he keeps trying to shove in everyone’s faces when we know it’s not accurate.
Emily: “I don’t want the perfect answer. I want the honest answer.”
Doug: “Well, what about you? What are your faults?”
Emily: “Oh gosh, I’m sensitive, I’m stubborn, I don’t work out…”
Uhhhhh, Emily can stop right there. She works out. Unless that trainer she had leading up to the show that numerous people saw her with was just there feeding her Ding Dongs and Twinkies, it’s safe to say Emily works out. Is she in the gym 8 hours a day shooting needles in her ass like Doug? Probably not. But to say she doesn’t go to the gym is a lie. She had a trainer before the show.
-Doug’s response: “I’m just a guy. I’m not a genius, I’m not a dummy. I’m not wealthy, but I’m not poor.” Well, we certainly are aware you aren’t a genius. No need to point that out for us. I mean, you were the one who about 10 minutes ago was unsure what the rules were for 1-on-1 dates. Are you a dummy? That’s debatable. You did agree to go on this show not having a clue who Emily was. And since you’ve gotten back home, you’ve already told people (including people at Michael Stagliano’s concert this past Friday night) who have since relayed it to me that you weren’t into Emily. Ha ha. I love when they all say that after they get back. “Yeah, I totally wasn’t into them. I’m glad I’m back.” Uh huh. And if she would’ve kept you around, I’m sure you would’ve been singing a different tune. Doug then lets out the line of the night. After receiving the rose from Emily, he still feels it wasn’t the right time to kiss her. His grandpa always told him that to wait until the girl gives him signs. Doug: “If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know she wants a kiss.” And if Doug Clerget ever refers to himself in the third person again, then Doug Clerget can officially be king of the douches this season. And that’s saying a lot considering the crop we’ve been dealt.