-The 2-on-1 date with Nate and John was next, and honestly, I couldn’t have been less interested. Wait a second, I take that back. I was intrigued to see if Wolfner was going to drop a bunch of f-bombs in his ITM’s like he has all season. Other than that, there wasn’t a single thing about either of these guys that I was looking forward to on this date. Honestly, the best part of this date wasn’t even shown (we’ll get to that in a second). Nate says he kinda has his wall up because of a recent relationship break up. I think these are the first words we’ve heard Nate say all season, which pretty much let you know how this date was going to end up for him. For those unclear, before the 2-on-1 date even begins, Emily pretty much knew Nate was gone. She’s asked by producers, “Ok, who’s definitely someone you’re not seeing yourself with long term?” When she tells them Nate (or any other guy on this show not named Arie, Sean, or Jef), then that person is set to go for that date. John was just another guy to add to fill out the date that she had an interest in, but known he’d never be her final one. I don’t have the greatest memory in the world, but I can almost guarantee that no person who’s ever been part of a 2-on-1 date has been the person chosen in the end. Case closed. (Correction: Woops. Already three people have emailed to tell me Tessa had the 2-on-1 date with Peyton during Andy’s season. Duh. How could I forget that one where Peyton was left standing on the air craft carrier? Oops. My bad). And oh yeah, Wolfner’s friends are all married with kids, he’s 30, and he says he’s ready too. These two couldn’t be more uninteresting if they joined Tony’s plywood company as employees.
-So Nate and John are arriving on a boat to meet Emily. Emily says, “Hey guys!” like they are standing right next to her, until the camera pans away and Nate and John’s boat is at least 300 yards away. You might wanna say that a bit louder, sweetie. I don’t think they heard you. This date was so uninteresting already, the shot then goes back to the hotel where we see the start of the Chris/Doug feud. Doug is 33 so he’s mature, and Chris is 25 so he’s immature. Chris feels it doesn’t matter how old you are, it’s all about your experiences and says Doug hides behind his age. Doug thinks unless you have an 11 year old at the age of 33 and having never been married, you just haven’t been through what he has, thus, you are an inferior peasant that he will squash like a grape when his roids kick in. The pissing contest between these two has only just begun. It’ll all come to a head during the 3-on-1 date in Prague. Chris wins and still loses since Emily isn’t in to either of them. But hey, according to Doug, he wasn’t into her either, so no big deal, right?
-Nate, John, and Emily walk to the top of a cliff and jump off. Neither one of these guys felt it was necessary to hold her hand as they jumped. I figured whoever took that gesture would get a leg up on the other guy. Guess I was wrong. Obviously the best part about this was seeing Emily in a bikini for the first time this season. And she doesn’t work out. Ok. And Ryan doesn’t spend hours in the mirror every morning. I’ll just pretend Emily never said that and just think that magically women are given bodies like that without having to do any work whatsoever. Speaking of great bodies, I just figured I’d throw in one of my favorite videos on the internet right now. Seems like an appropriate time. Take it away Kate Upton:
Let me guess, Kate doesn’t work out either, right? Can I just say thank you to Terry Richardson? The greatest director of all things that have ever been directed. Keep doing what you’re doing Terry. You’re the best.
-We are halfway through the airing of this date, and absolutely nothing has happened. John and Nate are spilling out all the clichéd lines you’d expect to hear, and we don’t know a single thing about either of them. But now that it’s dinner time in the cave, this is where it’s gonna get serious and we’ll really get to know who Emily likes 13th best as opposed to 5th best. Should be riveting. They all cheered, drank, and put their glasses down at the same time – all while saying nothing. Seriously, this is a painful date to watch. I know 2-on-1 dates are awkward enough, but when you throw in two guys who’ve barely gotten any camera time all season, compounded with the fact that neither of them are the least bit interesting, it made it even more uncomfortable for the viewer. Why didn’t Emily just pull a Jake and sh** can both of these guys on the 2-on-1? Did John really stand out that much more than Nate? Oh wait, he did…
-So Nate gets pulled aside to talk to Emily alone and immediately must’ve impressed her with his no socks, loafers, and pants rolled up look. Not to mention the cream color jacket and fluorescent pink shirt. An outstanding look that only Don Johnson could be proud of. If that wasn’t enough, he then said this exact line, “I don’t think I’ve did anything to make you super interested in me.” You certainly got that right, Mr. Grammar. Nate, I don’t think you’ve did’en anything in four episodes to let anyone even know you’re on the show. He then starts crying because he loves his brother or something. Actually, I’m sure it had more to do with what Emily wrote in her blog today.
“… As great as Nate was, there was a moment you didn’t get to see where Nate sang Meatloaf to me and asked what I ‘wouldn’t do for love.’ As funny and odd as it was, I realized we had very little in common and we probably weren’t the best fit for each other…”
Oh no he di uhnt! We’ve all seen how singing on a date is basically the kiss of death on this show, and they’ve had some awful performances in the past, but how in the hell could Nate bust out a Meatloaf song and us not get to see it? For the love of God, that better get released later this week in the deleted scenes. Of little we know about Nate, I don’t think for a second any one of us ever would compare him to Meatloaf. Dammit ABC, put that video up. Nate cannot get off the hook that easily.
-Now it’s John’s turn to bore us. “I don’t think I’m the dynamic personality…” Geez, why don’t these guys just tell Emily not to pick them? Aren’t these guys supposed to sell themselves a bit to her rather than talk about how they’re not like the other guys? We’ve had some interesting 2-on-1 dates in past seasons, but this easily has to rank as the worst. Just think, Brad’s season had a 2-on-1 with two girls who had each had a 1-on-1 date already. Makes it a little more interesting when it’s people you actually care about. Did anyboy jump from their seat with excitement finding out that Wolfner and Nate were on the 2-on-1 date? Hell, the only other option would’ve been Alejandro vs Michael, or some combination mix of those four. Just a bad job done by production to throw people on the date who’d gotten little to no screen time for three episodes. So mericifully, it comes to an end for Nate when Emily drops the “I wouldn’t be being honest if I told you that I saw us together forever” line on him. Ouch. How’d that taste Nate? Pretty soon, Wolfy will probably be getting the same line. I cannot ever remember a 2-on-1 date in this show’s history that got this little of air time. No wonder we got two segments from the cocktail party AND the deliberation with Chris and Emily at the end. They had extra time after this dud of a date.