Dr. Reality Steve
This is two weeks of Dr. Reality Steve questions rolled into one, so that’s a good thing. Lets see how young we get this week. I think my goal ultimately is to have a 10 year old ask me a question. I think then the Circle of Life will be complete. Parents, are you aware your high school teenager is asking me sex and relationship questions? Frightening thought. And right out of the box…a high schooler!
Dear Dr. Steve,
So I know that it’s ridiculous to think that I am in love when I’m still in high school, but I know that I am… I hate that I let that happen! Last summer I met a guy that was home from college for the summer. We had this amazing May to August romance and I thought that he would want to do the long distance thing after school got back in, (He only goes to school 2 hours away.) Anyways, last August he told me he thought long distance would be too hard and that we should just be friends and pick things up next summer after I had graduated high school and matured a little bit. We stayed in touch throughout the year but we got in a fight last January and out of anger I deleted his number. And now he’s been home from college for the summer since early May and still no word from him!! I sent him a graduation invitation to let him know I still cared about him and wanted to see him but I have no idea if he will come or if he even cares about me anymore. So my question is, should I go to his house and talk to him? I have no idea if he still loves me but I just have this gut feeling that he does but is too afraid to confront me first… Our summer together was something out of a movie, Steve. And I don’t mean one of those stupid movies where they just do it all the time and think they are in love with each other just because of their hormone induced physical attraction towards one another. (We had that too, but our relationship didn’t revolve around sex.). Our love story was like Lloyd and Diane in Say Anything. He was the John Cusack to my Ione Skye. He even held a boombox outside of my window and sang a Journey song to me. (cheesy, I know.) I have never felt so happy and terrified in my entire life. I usually get over things fairly quickly but it’s been a long time and he is still all that I think about. That has to mean something, right? I just want to know if I should take a chance and talk to him and tell him how I feel, or if I am just being a silly teenager and I should grow up and move on because he obviously doesn’t care about me anymore. My dad always told me, “If a guy likes you, he will make it happen!” But I feel as if this is an exception to that rule… But I have no stinking clue what guys think! so what is your opinion on all of this?
Comment: Oh sweetie. I’ll pray for you tonight before I go to bed.
I think you answered the question yourself towards the end of your story. I think you’re being a silly, high school teenager. Your dad is right. You were a summer fling to this guy and nothing more. It’s why when he went back to college he dropped the, “Long distance will be too hard. Why don’t we pick this back up next summer” line on you. He even threw in a “when you’re more mature.” Brutal. I would’ve kicked him to the curb right then and there.
Another reason you should sh*t can him? Lack of originality. If he’s thieving one of the most popular love scenes from an 80’s movie, there’s nothing romantic about that. Let that be a lesson to all you ladies: If any guy tries the boombox-outside-your-window-bit, dump him. Just shows he can’t think for himself.
Dr. Reality Steve,
My sister told me I need Dr. Drew for relationship advice, I figured you were the next best thing. I’m 20, a senior in college, and having a mid-life crisis. I thought for sure by now I would be close to being engaged and getting married after I graduated college. It was all part of my “plan”. Instead, I am 20 and single with major boy problems. I havent had a serious relationship all of college and have the nicest boy wanting to “talk” to me. The problem is he’s nice, but I find myself looking for something better. I want a man who can take care of me, take me to dinner, buy me flowers, etc. He does none of that. Im a great girl with a lot going for me and I have high standards. Do you think I’m asking to much? I really do like the nice guy, but the other night I kissed someone else. The guy and I also have completely different friends which makes things difficult. I think if I liked the nice guy as much as I thought I did, I wouldnt want to kiss another boy. Should I keep talking to the nice guy and hope he will eventually be the guy that I want or move on and stay single? If i decide not to talk to him anymore and were not dating do I just stop answering his messages or tell him its over? Thank you for the wonderful spoilers!
Comment: College senior…step on in. We love it when youngsters like yourself come for help.
I wouldn’t call it a mid-life crisis considering you’re 20. And the second you started out with a “plan” to be engaged and married right after college was your first mistake. You can’t plan stuff like that. I always thought I was gonna be the first of my friends to be married with kids, and now I’m pretty much the last. Go figure.
So you’re dating the nice guy, but you don’t like him that much, so you made out with some other dude. When you dropped the “takes care of me, take to me to dinner, buy me flowers” line, it kinda sounded like you want to be pampered, unless I read that wrong. Or maybe it was just that you chose those three things in particular. Relationships aren’t all about that. Find someone you like, whose company you enjoy, and don’t worry about the material things or else you’ll probably never be satisfied. Unless you marry some loaded older man who just wants a trophy wife.
Happy belated birthday – as a birthday present you should feel special that I still haven’t delete my aol account since I occasionally use it to email you questions! (so I just sifted through a bunch of spam mail for you).
So I find it a bit funny how on the bachelor shows they always have these desperate 24-26 year old girls eager to engaged and married, where I find myself a bit the opposite. I’m nearing 26, and have been in a long term relationship going on 7 years.
We’ve lived together for over a year (after college), spent 4 years long distance during college, broke up briefly (dated no one serious during it), and through all of that managed to maintain a pretty healthy relationship and are happy. He’s a very good person who I feel comfortable with, and although there is no mr. perfect – I know he’s someone I can see being with for a long time.
Now inevitably since it’s been 7 years, I always get asked about getting engaged…heck we even have friends that have met and married during the time we’ve been together. I know my boyfriend is ready (but has also told me he is ok waiting until I am), and my typical answer to nosy acquaintances or family is that I’m still waiting to get more settled with my career etc before that happens – but honestly, I’m just not quite ready. Whenever we talk about rings or a date in the near future, I start to feel the nervous feeling of being rushed. I know every relationship is different and you really can’t compare yours to anyone else’s, and I still think I’m on the younger side for getting married, but every once and a while the pressure gets to me – should I be feeling the need to get married? I keep thinking I’ll get to that stage where I know I’m ready – but I don’t think life works that way (as much as every girl would love life to be like a romantic comedy). My best friend tells me that since my parents were divorced that makes me a commitment phobe, but I think that just makes me want to be more sure. I suppose others tell me it’s because I’ve never been in another serious relationship, which may be true, but if you’ve met the right person, why can’t the need to see if the grass is really greener just leave us alone? I really can’t see my life without this person, so that’s all that should matter – and in the end I don’t care when others think we should be moving along in our relationship. I guess it just gets to me once in awhile – and makes me worry that I still don’t feel ready after all these years (and he knows he is). I suppose I don’t have as many close friends with such long term relationships to compare, and it’s nice to get some level headed perspective from others like yourself sometimes!
So tell me Steve – am I a hopeless commitment phobe? Or just a little bit more level-headed than those young crazy brides?
Comment: I will say that you’re probably in the minority because most women seem to be in a rush to get married, and you’ve been in a relationship 7 years and haven’t felt any need to yet. When you do say you start to feel nervous when marriage is brought up – what are you nervous about? Marriage in general? The guy you’re with? The pressures of financially planning a wedding? But if you’re 25 and don’t feel like getting married, you don’t have to. Everyone’s different. Just make sure the reason you’re not rushing has nothing to do with the guy you’re with. I mean, you’ve been in a 7 year relationship with the guy, it’s almost like you’re married at this point. I don’t know if you guys live together, but even if you don’t, I’m guessing you spend most of your time with him. But if you’re having any worries about the guy himself, you need to talk that over with him. Because if he wants to get married and you don’t, and he’s thinking it’s because you want to be settled in your career, when in the back of your mind it might be because you’re having doubts about him, he needs to know that. I don’t know which one it is.
FYI, you’re probably the 15th Steve that I know, so emailing a complete stranger seems natural to me. It took me a while to figure out that people with their personal problems email you, but there’s a pressing issue that I can’t let go of, so I figured I’d give it a try:
One of my friends has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for nearly a decade now. In the last two years that I’ve known her, we talked a lot about the possibility of her getting engaged and married some time soon. She told me that they’ve talked about getting engaged and such but there’s always some excuse. They don’t live together and the nature of his work is rather intense, so sometimes he likes to come home to an empty apartment. Several months ago they were looking at blueprints for houses being built near another married couple that they’re good friends with, but after they looked at them, they didn’t move forward. My understanding is that my friend wants the ring on her finger prior to living together but her boyfriend seems to have stagnated. Whenever I ask her about their “status”, so to speak, she gives me an excuse like he’s taking care of his sick dog or his office is relocating to another part of the city so he’s busy with paperwork, now it’s he’s cutting his hours which means his paycheque will be cut in half as well but he wants to have enough money for the entire family. The thing is, even with his paycheque cut in half, he still makes more than enough for both of them. Plus, she makes decent money as well. After 7 or 8 (or something) years, isn’t it time for the two of them to move forward with their relationship? To be honest, it seems like her excuses are not HIS excuses, they’re hers. My theory is that he either has commitment issues or he just isn’t sure about marrying..her? See, after 2 years, I can confidently say she’s a rather laid-back type of girl and she gives people space when needed. Obviously I see faults in her too but from what she tells me, he adores her. So, from a male’s perspective, what could be the problem? Is it something that can be fixed/changed naturally with time or is he likely to never want to move forward with her?
Comment: Definitely could be that he’s making excuses, but it’s tough to give a definite answer without knowing either of them. But what you say your friend is doing is not uncommon in relationships where one party is always making excuses for the other party to justify their behavior. I guess you see this more in verbally/physically abusive relationships (i.e. – “oh, he’s only like this when he drinks, otherwise, he’s sweet as pie”. Barf), but it could still happen outside of those.
What concerns me is you asked her about their relationship status and you said she told you he’s taking care of his sick dog? So because his dog is sick, they’re relationship is on hold? I’m confused. Hey, if something happened to Maddie and she was suffering from being sick, sure I’d attend to her and it’d worry me, but if I was in a relationship at the time, it doesn’t mean I’d cut that off. Sounds like this guy might be a bit of a commitment phobe and your friend is covering for him. Ask her what she really wants from this guy and by her answer, you’ll be able to tell if she’s hiding something and is secretly frustrated with what’s happening.
Dr. Reality Steve,
Here’s my situation…
I’ve been dating this guy just a little over two months. It started out more casual since I was just getting out of a relationship and wanted to take things a little more slowly. I’m also just finishing my first year in a 2-year graduate program and am not sure if I’ll stick around the area or move elsewhere when I graduate. It depends on where I find a job.
At the beginning, we’d see here and there and he’d call every once in a while to talk but never for very long. He also did not kiss me until the 3rd date, so I really thought he just wasn’t that into me. Nevertheless, I did like hanging out with him and was interested in just seeing where it would go. About a month into dating, he was driving me back to my apartment. We were talking about his new job and he mentioned that work was the number one priority for him right now. He said he enjoys spending time with me, thinks I’m a great girl and wants to get to know me better, but he wanted to be honest in saying that he wanted to take the relationship slow and not jump into anything committed right away. It was a good conversation because I felt the same.
The last month or so things have started to get a little less casual. He’s been calling and texting every day, conversations lasting longer and wanting to hang out more often. It seemed to have been progressing naturally, and I was comfortable with the increase in communication, commitment and time spent together. However, the other day we were hanging out and out of nowhere, he starts asking me what we are and “where do you think this is going?” and how it scares him that I might be moving somewhere else in a year. I was really caught off guard because, up until then, we’d been taking it a little more slowly. In the moment, I was honest and just said that I wasn’t sure where I’d be in a year, that I like him and would like to continue spending time with him and just see where things were once that time came closer. It’s just way too early in the relationship for me to know where we’d be in a year, regardless of whether or not I’d potentially be moving.
Anyway, after the conversation, I feel like he’s starting to pull away. He dropped me off with no real indication of when he’d call or see me again, and typically we’d make plans for the next time we’d see each other by now. It’s been three days, and he has only contacted me once and just to say that he hoped I had a good night. In your doctorly and male opinion, what do you think is going on? Why the quick change from casual and taking things slowly to worrying about our future then to pulling away? I’m not sure what to do as I do really like him, but I just can’t make any promises right now.
Comment: Too many factors that are unknown to me here to try and figure out what’s going through his head. What you need to do is just ask him about the other night, that you sense he’s starting to pull away after what you told him, and see what he says. I mean, he did say it scared him you were possibly moving away in a year, so maybe he is afraid of getting attached. Just ask him and gauge his response from there. You’ve been with him two months (exclusively I assume), so it’s ok to ask without him feeling pressured.
I guess this is a mixed Reality/Dr. Reality Steve question. It seems to me that this show is absolutely not conducive to finding a lasting relationship and the overall stats would seem to prove this. But I’m just curious if you have any clue what made Ashley and JP, Molly and Jason, and Trista and Ryan able to find a real relationship in this environment? What was it about them that made this work?? It seems to me that maybe they were actually (shocking!) there to find love unlike other contestants (Ben, Ali, Courtney, etc) who were there for fame. Do you think some people are really looking for a relationship on the show? Or is there just something between these people that makes them able to find love in such a crazy place.
Comment: One thing that those 3 couples all have in common? None of them live in LA. Seems like they were able to withstand the pressures of being a “Hollywood” couple, they for the most part, steered clear of all the red carpet premieres and the glitz and glamour of the perks that come from being on this show, and settled down into life in suburbia.
Do I think people that go on this show are looking for a relationship? No. The show has become too popular, too tabloid-y, and with the spawn of “Bachelor Pad,” just this pool of good looking people who all like to party, have reunions, and hook up with each other. They know by going on the show, opportunities can/will present themselves once their done with the show, and pretty much every contestant goes on with that first and foremost on their mind. If they say aren’t, they’re lying.
Hi Reality Steve,
I know I’ve asked for your advice once before, but seeing as you haven’t gotten as many Dr. Reality Steve questions lately, I thought I’d add my recent situation to the pile. You honestly give really straight-up advice and girls really need that.
Dear Dr Reality Steve,
I’m trying out the “be friends with an ex thing”, and it’s failing miserably.
I’ve been friends with this guy for awhile and about 3 months after we met, he started to pursue me pretty hard. We then went out casually for a month, but broke things off because he wasn’t in the place for a relationship, which is what I wanted. It stung a bit, but frankly, after spending a month “with” him, I can say I’ve never met someone SO confused about what he wants, plus there’s a chance he’s moving to Europe in September, so I understood. We both decided we really want to continue being friends because we care a lot about each other. And I don’t doubt that, when he heard my uncle passed away he dropped everything to rush over and make sure I was ok.
We have a lot of mutual friends, so I’ve seen him every week or so for various reasons. Here’s the thing, I assumed the flirtation would stop and he’s behave like all my other guy friends do. But he keeps flirting, putting his arm around me, and telling me how incredible I look. And then recently, when he was a little drunk, we were in a large group but he never left my side and held my hand, started kissing my shoulder, and even whispered seductively in my ear “F*** I forgot how gorgeous you are!”, etc. I DON’T GET IT! He is acted exactly how he was when he was moving in on me in the first place! I’m trying really hard to just be friends, but it’s difficult to shake off whatever feelings I still have when he acts like this. And I promise you, this isn’t about just trying to hook up, because he knows I won’t if I’m not dating him and I honestly still don’t think he’s in a “relationship place” right now. I also haven’t been encouraging the behaviour either. I’ve just been brushing it off.
Steve, give me some insights, why would a guy act like this if he wanted to be friends with an ex? Is this just what a guy does when he’s attracted to a friend, but doesn’t want anything?
Comment: Friends with benefits. That’s what you are to him. Nothing more, nothing less. He wants some ass. If he tells you, “F**k, I forgot how gorgeous you are” when he’s drunk, but never says anything close to that when he’s sober, well, that should say something. And if the guy possibly is moving to Europe in a couple months, then it definitely looks like he’s testing the waters to see if he can get some before he leaves. You said it yourself, you’ve never met someone so confused about what he wants. So you’re surprised by this behavior? Don’t be. Either play it off and sex it up with him for a couple months, or lay down the law and say you don’t want to go that route. You’ll get your answer if you do that.
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