-So the group date has eight guys acting out a scene from Romeo and Juliet, and since we know this show never casts actors or actresses, this is going to be a wildly hilarious rip-roaring, side-splitting, piss-your-pants rendition of the Shakespeare classic. Or not. Look, I understand they try to make dates that cater to something that is relevant to that city, but I’m sorry, nothing about this date was funny. Well, one thing was. Arie. “I hate acting. I’m terrified to audition.” Funny. You acted all season like you didn’t have a connection to Cassie because you were told not to say anything. I’d say that’s some good acting, wouldn’t you? He was able to keep it in for quite a while, so he’s gotta add some credits to his acting chops for that, no? The fact that they kept showing Arie freaking out about his part in the act, and how nervous he was, and how he didn’t understand anything, pretty much was a given that Emily would like his performance the best. And if there was a rose given out on this date, I’m pretty sure he would’ve gotten it for “coming out of shell.” This show is way too predictable at times.
-When they show us glimpses of the other guys in their auditions, here’s what I noticed:
Kalon: For a guy who claims to be as suave as he is, and claiming this date was right up his alley, he couldn’t have butchered it any worse if he tried. Dude, I’m going to enjoy watching people gang up on you on “Bachelor Pad.”
Alejandro: He basically has a rat tail. I believe those went out of style in 1985 along with putting buttons and pins on your painters caps.
Travis: I probably enjoyed him the most, just because of how thick that Mississippi accent was, Billy Shakes is probably rolling over in his grave listening to Travis act out his writings.
Doug: Also nervous about acting. Unless his role is of a guy with a short fuse who gets to scream down people, Doug probably sucks at all acting.
John: Last time I checked, there weren’t any f-bombs in Shakespeare’s plays, so Wolfie is in trouble. This is not up his alley.
Ryan: Probably more excited than any of the other guys because he has a kissing scene with Emily that he will totally overact in.
Arie: His oh-golly-shucks-I-cant-act act was perfectly, well, acted. It’s not like his reading was any good. But he was playing a nurse and he spoke in a female voice, so I guess that was supposed to be funny? Someone let me know when I’m supposed to laugh.
-Of course, one of the better parts of rehearsals was watching Emily come over to watch Ryan and Kalon rehearsing their scene, and Ryan basically dropping everything so he could lay more Ryan-isms on her, all which made Kalon begin his period even earlier than expected. He was not happy, so, in true Kalon fashion he tells Emily, “We need to get back to rehearsals. You run along.” Gee, why not just say, “Scram bitch. God you’re annoying.” Probably would’ve been more pleasant. Obviously, after all the crap he’s said in earlier episodes, and now this, Emily isn’t too thrilled with this douchelicker. “Kalon needs to chill out.” Someone might want to give Emily a Valium along with a bag of Ricola cough drops since she’s about to go all medieval on his ass. Kalon was cast on this show for a reason. And tonight’s episode is exactly why. You don’t think the producers knew he would say something like this about Ricki during filming? Hell, he probably said it in his audition video and in the sit-down interviews during final casting.
-So the guys are informed that this performance will occur in front of a live audience, which makes them pee a little down their leg. Most of them had to wear ridiculous costumes, but none more ridiculous than some of the people in the live audience watching them. I could’ve sworn some of them were in costume as well. Whatever stereotypes you’ve heard about Brits and their oral hygiene, or lack thereof, was pretty much proven in last night’s episode. Basically, those people stay away from the dentist as much as Sean stays away from carbs. That was a frightening audience to look at. Thank God they only panned to about three people. I didn’t need to see any more of them with Summer teeth. Some r’ here, some r’ there. Kalon’s scene was up first and everyone was pretty much in agreement – he sucked. The guy had one of the most romantic scenes to act out, yet he took it so seriously, and got nowhere with it. No kissing whatsoever, although, I would’ve been fascinated if Kalon did get to kiss Emily because I wanted to see what would happen when two sets of shiny white veneers collided. Would there be a ray of light shooting out from their mouths?
-Arie tells us he is no thespian, which we kinda already knew. But since he was dressed as a nurse and talked like a girl, I guess we were supposed to laugh. I forgot to. You know the best part of Arie’s segment of the act? When they show Emily in her ITM, she looks like she just fell asleep in her tanning bed and her voice is fine. So those ITM’s of her saying how impressed she was with Arie’s performance were obviously shot almost a month later in Curacao, because lets face it, I highly doubt she picked up sun like that in Croatia or Prague. Do they really think people don’t notice this? And it wasn’t the only time this happened tonight, but it was the most noticeable because we actually see Emily looking about 50 shades of orange when she says it. If her voice was gone all during London, then any ITM she gave would’ve been with her voice out. You go back over those two hours and you’ll have heard plenty of ITM’s she gave where her voice was fine, which means it was shot in a different city. Let me guess, this week’s mailbag will have at least one “I hear you refer to an ITM a lot. What is that?” Disregarding the fact I’ve use ITM all the time, you don’t even have to go back and find it in the “Reader Emails” to know what it is. I just used it four times in this paragraph. You should be able to figure it out just by seeing the context I used it in here. I hope.
-Now it’s Ryan’s turn to act, and of course he does whatever he can to drag out his fake kisses to Emily. He thinks he’s laying the groundwork to get in her pants, the other guys can see right through him. Did you see Emily’s body language on that? Hell, I think she even practically threw him off her after the last kiss in the most gentle way possible. We’ve seen this before in previous seasons where there was some sort of acting on a group date, and there were kissing scenes, and someone thinks because they’re kissing the lead, that means they think they have a shot at them. Off the top of my head, I remember they did this in Jason Mesnick’s season when Megan Parris basically swallowed his face. They did it in Jillian’s season when they had to act out that Western movie. And then Brad’s season when they did the Spanish telenovela. How can we forget Emily in this maid outfit?
-Now that the lame portion of the date is over, lets get to the good stuff where they all go out for drinks at Cox’s Yard. How appropriate. What, was Big Johnson Pub closed for the day? The Meat Packing Saloon closed for reconstruction? Arie immediately gets alone time with Emily since it’s been at least three or four days since he got some action. That’s gotta be some sort of record for him or something. And on cue, they make out. “You could kiss me in every city and I’d be the happiest man in the world.” Well, it certainly looks like that’s your plan isn’t it? You gave her your cooties in Charlotte, Pigeon Forge, and Bermuda, now she’s giving you her germs in London. Can’t wait to see what Dubrovnik has in store for us. Maybe both of you will talk to each other in surgical masks. Does anyone else find it remotely disturbing that Emily is sick as a dog in London yet she’s still making out with guys like it’ll be her last chance ever? Do all these guys have super immune systems or something? I guess time will tell if she got them sick in return, but geez. She made out with Arie, Ryan, Jef, and Sean this episode all while having a throat as red as Kalon’s ass after she drop kicked him out of there.
-Uh oh. It’s been at least 5 minutes since we heard a Ryan-ism. Mr. Bowers, take it away. “When a girl says you’re trouble and smiles, that usually means she’s looking for trouble.” Or it just means she finds you incredibly creepy and invading her territory that she’s scared half to death by you. Planet Ryan is in rare form tonight. This guy seems to see and hear things that 99% of the audience watching doesn’t. I think he’s got some sort of Jedi mind trick he’s trying to work on Emily, which is why out of nowhere, he pulls this necklace out of his pocket. I thought he was gonna start waving it back and forth in front of her eyes saying, “You’re getting sleeeeeeeeeeepy…” I mean, nice gesture and all and I’m sure you asked the producers to go buy you some sort of gift at the London gift shop, but couldn’t you have presented it better than just shoving it in your pants pocket? It’s like he was reaching for a pack of gum. I don’t know. Not very romantic if you ask me.
-So now the fun begins, and that’s Kalon’s baggage comment. We all knew it was coming because we’d seen it in the previews from the very beginning of the season, and in this episode alone, they showed it three times going to commercial break. So in that sense, it was somewhat anti-climactic. The one thing I was glad they cleared up was the fact that Kalon admitted to saying it. I thought we’d at least see footage of Kalon saying it, but when we didn’t, I was thinking, “Please don’t tell me this big moment of the season is based on something we never actually hear Kalon saying.” And we didn’t hear him say this, but when Doug confronts him about it, he doesn’t back off of it and admits to it. So that was good. Well not good for Emily, but good in that they didn’t build a storyline off some hearsay. So Doug, being Super Daddy, pulls Emily aside to tell her Kalon called Ricki baggage. Emily is livid. I think. It’s kinda hard to know how upset Emily was in that moment because when she uttered the line “I’m so angry right now,” she had a giant grin on her face the whole time. Maybe she’s just too nice to get angry. In the raspiest voice you can think of, she also throws in “I want to rip his limbs off and beat him with them.” Knowing Kalon from his memoir I posted a while back, he probably finds that as some sort of fetish turn on. You probably don’t want to try that, Em.
-West Virginia sure was representing a lot this episode. How many times did Emily mention she was from West Virginia last night? “I wanna go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass.” I guess we’ll never know the true definition of what that means, but I think she just should’ve said “I wanna go Davy Crockett on his ass,” which seems more West Virginia appropriate. Wasn’t he from there? If not, I apologize to all Davy Crockett aficionados out there. Honestly, I don’t care where he’s from. The King of the Wild Frontier was a bad ass, so I’ve heard, and I think he would’ve taken care of Kalon like any backwoods hillbilly could. For some reason, Kalon tried to explain himself, but that was ultimately doing him no good. It was like he was putting cememt shoes on before jumping in to the quicksand. Nothing he said could’ve saved him at that point, and it didn’t. Emily kicked his ass to the curb and sent him packing immediately with her, “Get the f**k out!” comment. I’m sure Kalon was more relieved than anything at that point. Kalon did not want to be on the show, and had made it known much earlier than London he didn’t want to be there. What you say was a storyline to get him off the show in a more dramatic fashion than just having him leave on his own. I’m guessing he had “Bachelor Pad” on his mind the whole time he was auditioning for the “Bachelorette.” He didn’t give a sh*t about that show and for producers to try to convince you otherwise is nonsense. But hey, he’s leaving with his head held high. “I’m a stand up guy. I have my mother and grandmother to thank for that.” Well, I hope when you returned home, they greeted you at the airport and had your pacifier waiting for you.
-What really confused me about this date was Emily’s reaction afterwards saying she was let down by all the guys there for not sticking up for her. Huh? If Kalon said that the day before when she was on her date with Sean, and the group date is the next day, exactly when were they supposed to inform her? If they do it BEFORE the Romeo & Juliet play, doesn’t that ruin the whole day? Who would bring it up then anyway? Not to mention, Doug actually came forward and DID tell her what Kalon said. So maybe it was 8 hours later than she wanted, but it’s not like these guys were waiting weeks to tell her. They told her as early as they could. Very bizarre behavior if you ask me. However, the funniest part about it all, was seeing Emily tell the guys how upset she was they didn’t let her know sooner and you see Ryan and Arie in survivor mode with their, “Ohhhh no, I wanted to say something earlier but uhhhhh, errrrrrr, yeah, uhhhhhh, I didn’t. But just know that I wanted to. I swear. I just didn’t. Love you Emily.” How could they have told her earlier is what I want to know? Call her hotel room? Text her? Send her a letter through horse and buggy? I understand Emily was protecting her daughter as she should’ve, but don’t take it out on the guys. They told her the earliest they could. Man, her big girl panties were all in a wad that day.