-We are now in Dubrovnik, Croatia. Emily is without Ricki because I guess she failed her history test in London and got left behind. The guys are arriving via boat, and Chris Harrison is nowhere to be found. Huh? Is there a reason Chris is big timing us in Croatia? Did he have better things to attend to like divorce proceedings? C’mon Chris. They aren’t paying you 60k an episode to only show up at the rose ceremony and stand outside a castle and pretend you didn’t know Emily was gonna walk out there and ask for a second rose. Lets get your ass on a plane and be there when the guys show up so you can tell them for the 4th time in 6 episodes that there will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date, and that if you don’t get a rose on your 1-on-1 date, you will immediately leave the country and not get to hug it out with your boys. But you can give us a good man cry before you leave since it’s always funny to watch that sh*t unfold. I guess I’ve never really looked at myself when I’ve cried, but man, I hope it doesn’t look like any of these guys. Last time I cried? You guessed it. Watching “Ice Castles.” “We forgot about the flowers.” Kidding.
-So since Chris is busy filling out “irreconcilable differences” on his divorce papers, Emily has to take on the humungous task of presenting the date card herself, and dammit, she didn’t even do it right! Emily, you’re supposed to lay the card in the middle of the room while whichever designated guy gets up to read it. You don’t hand it to the person who’s getting the 1-on-1 for Christ sakes! F**k! Can’t you do anything right? Ricki probably could’ve figured that one out. You know what was also weird about this was that after Emily handed Travis the card, he read it, got ready, packed his bag, and was downstairs within minutes. Sure, it was probably a little longer than that, but it was just funny to see the date start so quickly. Probably a good thing. The quicker this date starts the quicker it can end, because honestly, this was one of the most boring, uninformative, least interesting 1-on-1 dates we’ve ever seen on this show.
-They tour Old City Dubrovnik and Emily tells Travis “1000 people live inside these walls.” Does she work for the Census Bureau now? And how does this small knit community feel about this silly show invading their territory and filming a stupid date with some ‘billy from Mississippi? I think if you gave Travis his crayon and asked him to spell Dubrovnik, you might get something like “J-E-L-L-O.” Travis tells us it’s been two years since he felt this way about a woman, or an egg, and that was when he was engaged. Travis: “She grabbed my arm…it’s like we’ve been dating for years.” Wow. I think it’s safe to say Travis hasn’t experienced the female body much in his life. Because she’s holding your hand you feel like you’re an old married couple now? Dude, she’s tongue raped Arie 100 times already, she’s run her hands through Bieber’s hair and begged him to kiss her, she gets butterflies in her heart when she talks to Sean, and even that odd ball Chris got to kiss her. You’re getting a little stiffy cuz’ she’s grabbing your arm? Oh Travis. This is not going to end well for you. It’s time to join Shelley in heaven. The tribe has spoken. Oops. Wrong show.
-In Dubrovnik, they have this thing called the “Balancing Stone.” At least it sounded more legit than the Love Box and that one thing in Bermuda. So I’ll take this one at face value. I guess you’re supposed to balance yourself on this stone, and legend has it that if you can remove a shirt or jacket while on it, you can be lucky at love. Aaaaannnd of course Travis fails at this. I mean, he hasn’t had a date in 2 years, why did we ever think he’d be able to balance on a stone and take off clothes? Not only that, was Travis even paying attention to Emily during this? She read you the freakin’ directions buddy. She specifically told you exactly what you needed to do: Get on the stone, remove a shirt or jacket, and bam! You’re lucky in love. After the 97th try, Travis finally balances himself and then…gets right off. Dem Mississippi folk aint too bright, ain’t they? If Gomer here can’t follow simple instructions to at least attempt to remove a piece of clothing while on the balancing stone, why would Emily think he could remember to pick Ricki up from soccer practice? Lets face it, Emily would rather get off with Shelley the egg than pro create with Travis.
-So because this date can’t get any more goofy, Emily and Travis just decide to break out into dancing some sort of jig in a back alley. This was supposed to show us their fun, playful side. To me it showed Travis was pretty pissed off that no one was blowing into a jug, which is the type of music he’s used to dancing to. Of course, if you ask Travis how this day is going, it couldn’t be any better. “As far as dates go, this is a 10 out of 8.” It’s pretty universal I think that when someone wants to rank something it’s usually on a scale of 1 to 10, or 1 to 100. No, no, no, not in good ol’ Mississippi. They grade things on a scale to eight. My guess is because 8 is usually the number of cousins most of them have slept with, so it’s the easiest to remember. And yes, if you’re starting to realize that any stereotypical Mississippi reference I can think of is getting thrown into a recap of Travis’ date, you’re a smart person. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the guys are assessing whether or not they think Travis is getting a rose. Most of them think he’s not because he’s too much of a friend to her. As for Ryan, he’s too busy basking in the most effeminate tank top I’ve ever seen a guy wear in my life. That tank top alone should’ve got him kicked off the show. It looked like a training bra.
-We are now at the dinner portion of Emily and Travis’ date. She wants to see if there’s any romance between them. Everyone in America watching knows there’s no romance. You know Emily knows there’s no romance. The only one who can’t see it for himself was Travis. Although, since Emily dig grab his arm walking through Dubrovnik, Travis seemed to think that was 3rd base or something. And by the way, anytime a lead ever asks, “I really like so-and-so, but I want to see if there’s a romantic connection,” there usually never is. And if that wasn’t enough, it was at this dinner where Travis told her his engagement ended 2 years ago. When she asked how many dates he’s been on since then, he stupidly told the truth and said “zero.” Even if that is the truth, probably not the right time to bring that up.
Emily: “What kind of girl do you usually date?”
Travis: “You to a ‘t’.”
Horrible answer. First off, because it’s not believable. Secondly, now you’re just telling her what she wants to hear. You’re in the friend zone, and for that, no rose for you. I think it was more because he let Ryan style his hair for the date. And nice ITM of Travis crying afterwards in an outfit that wasn’t even anything he wore during that date. Totally from a different day and not even after he was eliminated. But hey, they’re good at showing stuff out of sequence on this show.