-Group date time as the six guys arrive to meet Emily, all while Sean and Chris are battling to see who can wear their plaid shirt the worst. They tied for last. Emily tells them that for the next few minutes, the “Bachelorette” will now turn into “Survivor” as there will be major cross promotion going on as we get to watch them watching the movie “Brave,” a Disney Pixar film. Emily made sure to mention that. Must’ve been in the contract. Is there a reason they had to watch the movie from up in the balcony and had to stand the whole time? That couldn’t have been too comfortable. Of course “Brave” opens this week, and with me being in California two weeks from today, probably a good chance I take Olivia and Nicholas to see it. Or “Madagascar 3.” Not sure if they’re in to that one or not. So they really had to watch a movie and Sean was the only one who decided to go with the popcorn? Or did they all have to share one bucket? Tell me Sean at least tried the popcorn trick with Emily? C’mon. Liven up the party here a bit people. Sure you’re watching a G-rated movie. Doesn’t mean a little hanky panky can’t be going on up in the rafters. No Hot Tamales? No Goobers? No Red Vines? Geesh, if it wasn’t bad enough that you’re stuck in Dubrovnik at the movies, even worse you can’t sit down and enjoy it.
-Emily then informs the boys they will be competing in Highland games for her love and affection. This immediately gets Chris all fired up. They keep showing ITM’s of him saying how excited he is and how good he thinks he’ll be at the games, which unless you were blind, you knew that meant he’d be an absolute failure at it. The guys are given kilts with sleeveless shirts to wear during the games, and it’s safe to say that Sean has done a few seated dumbbell shoulder presses, lateral raises, upright rows, front raises, bent over reverse flys, and dumbbell shrugs in the last few years. There Sean. That’s my shoulder workout for Thursdays. Glad I could help. Any time you need any more weight training tips, just come to me. I’m here to help. I think Sean could break Jef over his knee if he wanted to and thrown him in the air like a rag doll. If Emily did pick Jef over Sean at the final rose ceremony, I really hope this is how he reacted. Would make the most sense. Emily can talk all she wants about how she’s not necessarily into the strong, muscular build type, but sh*t, I’m guessing she wouldn’t object to Sean tossing her around as opposed to Jef who’d rather spoon and cuddle with her. Dilemmas, dilemmas. What is Emily to do?
-We learn that it’s customary for Croatian men to ride donkeys into battle. Really? I’m guessing that’s why in my 37 years on this planet, I’ve never actually heard of the Croatians having a bad ass army. You ride into battle on donkeys? Do they also fill their guns with paint? Nothing says, “We’re here to kick ass and take names” than a bunch of dudes in kilts ready to do battle on the backs of donkeys. Must’ve really struck fear into their opponents. I’m shocked they even had to do battle. I just figured the enemies would immediately turn and run the other way. You know what the Croatian army does need on it’s side? Chris Bukowski, cuz man, that guy knows how to get it done. A real warrior that guy is. I mean, did you see how proficient he was in the bow and arrow? It’s like I was watching Robin Hood out there. Seriously, Chris couldn’t have looked any more like a chick if he tried. Lamar from “Revenge of the Nerds” thought Chris looked effeminate in the Highland Games. Colton from “Survivor” thought you could’ve been more manly. Thank God the cast of “Bachelor Pad” wasn’t watching the episode last night or they’d vote you off just for that. You were an embarrassment to anyone who’s ever tried a bow and arrow.
-So either that was crafty editing, or all these guys are professional bow and arrow hunters. Really? I’m expected to believe that all five of these guys stepped up and basically hit bullseye? Uhhhh, ok. Whatever you say. Considering we weren’t twenty seconds into the show last night, and the audio of Emily saying “Who else in there isn’t all about me?” was already deleted from the scene of her walking outside to talk to Chris, I’m guessing the editing department was at it’s finest on the bow and arrow challenge. On the log throw, it’s no surprise that Chris and Jef were the only two who were disqualified because they couldn’t throw their log far enough to get it to turn over. Chris because as his bow and arrow skills showed us, the only thing he’s good at this season is being a ventriloquist. And Jef, well, it’s kinda hard to chuck a log that weighs 100 pounds more than you do. In the game that essentially resembled tug-o-war, Chris’ name was chosen first so he got to pick his opponent, and he picked Doug the Hulk. Which made perfect sense since Chris apparently loves getting embarrassed in athletics. Why not make it 3-for-3? Was Doug even trying? Hey Chris, why don’t you just have a seat for a while? Sports are not your thing. This doesn’t bode well for him on Bach Pad challenges. But it will be funny as hell to watch.
-Even though Chris couldn’t have been a bigger failure at the Highland Games if his name was Fail McFailsuck, Emily seems to feel sorry for the loser and gives him some mug that showed he was the bravest. And by bravest she must’ve meant, “the biggest p***y out there.” Chris is proudest to have been named the bravest. “I may have lost the games, but I may have come out the winner.” Whatever dude. I’m guessing Chris is all for sports where they don’t keep score and every kid gets a medal and some orange slices for trying their best.
I’d like to share two emails that I got within 9 minutes of each other last night. One came at 8:00 and the other at 8:09. Here they are:
My friend Christine and I have been trying to figure out what Chris looks like since the first episode… Tonight we finally got it- Cecil the Turtle from Bugs Bunny. Look it up on YouTube- Bugs Bunny Tortoise Beats Hare.
And this one….
“I didn’t follow this season of the Bachlorette until a few weeks ago. I was introduced to Chris from Chicago only briefly, but every time he would talk I kept thinking of the Muppets. I couldn’t figure out why that word association was on repeat. This episode, Chris got more air time and again he kept reminding me of a Muppet. I did a quick Google search to appease my subconscious and came across Sam the Eagle. After watching a couple of YouTube clips of Sam the Eagle, my subconscious comparison was revealed. Don’t get me wrong, I like Chris. I thought he came across really well this episode, but now every time he talks I visualized the face of the blue beaked puppet. I know it’s mean, but I can’t stop. Am I crazy? Can you see what I’m talking about?
Of course I know who Cecil the Turtle is. One of the all time classic Bugs Bunny characters. So I’ll leave this up for others to decide. Who do you think he looks more like? Tough call. Looks to me like Cecil and Sam had a baby.
-One other email to drop on you that came in last night regarding Dubrovnik in general:
I just watched the Croatia episode and was very dissapointed how the show represented the city of Dubrovnik. I am from Dubrovnik and throughout half the episode I didn’t think I was watching my city. Background Irish music, men dressed in kilts holding a bow and arrow? Where did they get these crazy ideas? It has nothing to do with our culture. I feel really bad for the guys that wasted a day in beautiful Dubrovnik on watching a Disney movie and riding donkeys. The producers obviously didnt research the city prior to filming. Even the hotel they chose was ultra modern/ American instead of the Villas and resorts with timeless architecture and gorgeous views. I hope someone reads this and realizes this whole episode was made up to appeal to the average tv audience. It has little to do with the real Dubrovnik, Croatia.”
You mean to tell me producers made up stuff in a city? I won’t have any of that. These are upstanding, bright, intellectual human beings that absolutely do not prey on the ignorance of their audience by manipulating scenes, adding in audio clips, or manufacturing drama for ratings sake. Don’t you ever dare accuse them of that.
-Cocktail party time and the rose is up for grabs. Who’s gonna get it? Well, she only likes three guys left anyway, so it can’t possibly be one of them, right? Emily has quite the different mindset than past Bachelorettes. She felt Chris was the bravest on a date where he was completely dominated in every way, shape, and form by the other five guys. Basically, she gave him the pity vote. Now it’s time for the guys to fight for the rose tonight, and it was pretty obvious which way she was leaning to give that thing. Sean is up first and she tells him, “I had fun watching you today.” He tells her he has strong feelings for her and he hasn’t felt this way in a really long time. Doesn’t everyone say that on this show? I mean, I guess you have to. You can’t be like, “Yeah, right before I came on this show I was deeply in love with this knockout in bed, but I had to put it on hold to come here.” It’s amazing when you think about it. These are all good looking people on this show, yet every single one of them says at some point, “This was the best date I’ve ever been on,” “I’ve never met anyone like you,” or “I haven’t felt this way in a long time.” Not to mention, they’re telling this to a person that they’ve had one, maybe two dates with, they can’t call, text, or sext with, and have gone no further than first base. And oh yeah, this person they’re so enamored with, has been dating multiple other guys in the process. Sure. That makes a hell of a lot of sense. Gotta love how real this is.
-Arie can’t wait to talk to Emily because he’s gotten no time with her since London and that’s when she put him in his place for not picking her up and carrying her over a puddle, or whatever it is she wanted him to defend her for. Arie: “She was shooken up about the Kalon thing.” Shooken? Arie has quite the vocabulary. Did Travis’ rub off on him a bit too much? Arie goes on to tell her that he should’ve “stood up for you more.” Whew. I thought he was gonna drop a “stooden up for you more” on her. Then we really would’ve had some problems. Congrats Arie. You’re not as illiterate as I thought. That’s all Emily needed to hear from Arie to know that it was time for her tongue to do some pushups. They walk the streets of Croatia and out of nowhere, since it’s been at least 3-4 days since he got some (assuming he didn’t get with any Londoners or Croatians in the meantime or cop a feel on Cassie), he pins Emily up against a wall and cuts off all her oxygen by swallowing her face. Is there a reason a resident Croatian didn’t yell from a distance, “Get a room!” Emily is a single mom being courted by a bunch of men, and just like any other female out there, has to have her needs met. Seems like Arie is the only one fully aware of this and takes advantage of that at every chance he can get.
-We get a shot back at the hotel, and since what’s-his-nuts was eliminated already, that means Ryan is there by himself. And that’s just the way he likes it. “It’s been a good day spending time alone and that’s what I was looking for.” Oh I bet you were. If there’s anything more important in Ryan Bowers life than getting some “me” time with himself, I’ve yet to see it. Because the more time we get with Ryan, the more we learn how ridiculously self-absorbed he is. Like getting this little gem, “I say to myself every day when I wake up, ‘Who do I want to be today?'” And I’m guessing if that answer is anything other than “Ryan Bowers, God’s Gift,” then he has a full scale brawl with himself. Ryan Bowers can only be Ryan Bowers because Ryan Bowers doesn’t tolerate imposters. Don’t you ever try to be Ryan Bowers. There is only one. He is the Lord’s servant, put on this earth to spread his word, schmooze women, and be an egotistical jackass on national television. I loved the shot of Ryan in the bathroom shaving with Emily’s date card looking right back at him. I’m sure Ryan struggled every day he was on this show, because to me it would seem that any time he spent with Emily would be considered cheating on himself. Had to have been difficult for him to sacrifice the love he has for himself onto another person.
-Time for Jef to talk to Emily. Emily: “You were so awesome today…I feel like we made some progress.” Jef: “You give me the type of feeling that people write novels about…I feel like there could be something really good between us.” Seriously? In the history of mankind, has any guy ever uttered the line to a woman, “You give me the type of feeling that people write novels about?” Didn’t think so. Just say it Jef. “The Notebook” is your favorite movie, and the love you and Emily share is that of Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling. We all know that’s what you were getting at. Sorry, but that line is much, much too cheesy to be believable. I understand he wanted to be different and not just say he liked her and he liked where this was going, but c’mon buddy. Channeling your inner Nicholas Sparks may seem like the thing that you know Emily wanted to hear, but man was that line awful. I think your skin tight pants are cutting off all circulation to your brain. Loved this exchange:
Emily: “What took you so long to kiss me?”
Jef: “I’m scared of you.”
And THIS is the guy she’s rumored to be with? Really? Whether she is or not, I’m here to tell you this right now. Emily Maynard will never marry Jef Holm in my lifetime. Or any lifetime for that matter. I know, I know. Really going out on a limb there. She may like him, she may think he’s cute, she may love the attention and the different vibe he gives off, and hell, he may be the guy she liked best out of the 25 pre-selected for her on this show. But MARRY him? Not a freakin’ chance.
-Chris’ turn with Emily and he lays his cards out on the table immediately. “I feel like I can fall in love with you…I’m in this forever.” Well, until Bachelor Pad started filming, then you moved on to someone else. Like I said, Emily had quite the different mindset on this group date. Since she only likes Arie, Sean, and Jef I guess she just figured, “Ah hell, they’re the ones getting all the group date roses all season, might as well give it to someone new this time.” So Chris gets the rose out of complete pity as she was probably told, “Look, we gotta make it somewhat mysterious as to who you like on this show. Give the rose to Chris. That little spaz will be so excited he won’t know what to do with himself.” The best part was she gave him the rose right in front of the other guys who were in clear view of seeing it, and once again, Emily kissed Chris with zero passion and no tongue. I don’t think Chris got the message though.