-Ryan is the first guy this season to get a second 1-on-1 with Emily and if you think that didn’t send his ego into another stratosphere, you haven’t been watching this season. I wouldn’t be surprised if they used Ryan’s head this year as one of the floats in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Emily comes over to get Ryan so we can immediately see some forced tension in the room. Ryan: “The world is our pearl…I mean oyster.” Such a way with words this guy. If William Shakepeare were alive today…he wouldn’t be a 10th of the man Ryan Bowers is. Just ask Ryan. The guys once again start cracking on Ryan as we see the same footage as we saw the day before of him shaving. Chris: “Ryan is kind of a jackass. It takes the guy 3 hours to get ready. He shaves his legs and plucks his finger hairs and stuff. It’s weird.” Yes, we can tell. Any guy who is that precise with shaving shapes and formations into his beard is kind of an island unto himself. And Planet Ryan no doubt is that guy.
-On the date, Ryan gets to drive. He’s great at that too by the way. “I’m a very safe driver. You may not feel safe. But I don’t get into accidents.” Actually, I believe the guy on this one. I bet he doesn’t get into accidents. He just causes pile ups behind him because he might be the worst driver we’ve ever seen on this show. People are passing on his left and right, he’s getting honked at by the Croatians, and he’s oblivious to what’s going on. Essentially he’s Clark Griswold in “European Vacation” circling Big Ben and the Parliament. I’m guessing that if Ryan were ever in the car with a female, and she was telling him he was lost, he wouldn’t take to kindly to that. Ryan Bowers is never lost, nor does he take orders from women. Once these two pulled over to the side of the road, they took pictures, which I’m sure Emily has since burned. Oh Ryan kept his, he just cut Emily’s head out of all the pictures.
-Time for these two to go “oystering.” Of course Ryan played up the whole “oysters are an aphrodisiac” bit, while Emily was having none of it. In fact, she enjoyed the oysters so much, she didn’t even swallow and spit it out overboard. If that wasn’t a sign to Ryan of how things would’ve really gone with them, I don’t know what was. Safe to say the oystering didn’t really go as planned for Ry Boy. Ry Guy. Ry Man. I’m surprised he hasn’t given an ITM this season where he says, “Who’s the lady lover who’s gonna steal Emily’s heart this season? This guy!” as he creepily points at himself. So disappointed we never got that from him. Maybe it was left on the cutting room floor because he had so many other gems. Time for them to sit down on a bench so The Ry Man can insert his foot a little deeper down his throat:
The Ry: “You could be a companion to me and I could be a companion to you…You’re like a trophy wife.”
Emily: “There’s that phrase again.”
The Ry: “Every man should believe his wife is a trophy.”
Is it possible to even classify Ryan at this point? Look, I get what he was saying. And I think to a certain extent, most people in America are overreacting to it. He’s just using the wrong wording. His biggest problem was, after the first time he used it and he knew that she didn’t like it, he kept using the same phrase. Whether he wants to believe the meaning he had behind it is not the meaning she believes is behind it, the bottom line was he kept using it knowing that she didn’t care for it. And for a guy that’s God’s gift to women, he probably should’ve picked up on that.
-So they show up to dinner and The Artist Formerly Known as Ryan is wearing turquoise shoes. Are those crocs he’s wearing with a suit? I guess he figured if I’m going down, I’m going down in flames. Might as well make this a spectacular exit, turquoise crocs and all. Emily asks him, “What role do you see your wife as?” Ready for this one? “More than a trophy wife…The trophy is not what you’re wearing, but who you are.” The Ry Man must’ve racked up a lot of athletic trophies in his lifetime because frankly, he’s obsessed with that word and phrase. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. I bet you if you asked him what he had for breakfast, he’d say, “I eat what a champion eats. Wheaties. Breakfast of Champions. You know what they give champions? Trophies.”
-Since Ryan seems to be the only guy in the house who liked writing sh*t down, like the 7 page letter he wrote Emily after his first date, during his alone time yesterday, he wrote down some more stuff for us. These are the 12 things that he wanted to find in a woman. I couldn’t even write all of them down and I don’t know if we actually got to hear all 12, but this is what I was able to come up with: loyal, logical, encourager, faithful, nurturer, confident, magnetic, loves to laugh, servant, and unselfishly beautiful. Emily’s response: “Sometimes when I’m around you, I feel myself trying to be perfect.” Translation: Your list sucked. “You never said anything about a loving family…I don’t know if what we want out of a relationship is the same.” Ya think? Big Boy Ry wants you barefoot in the kitchen plopping out babies every nine months while he throws boulders of granite on top of cars. I think Emily is so put off by him at this point, even a Brad Womack return would probably put her in a good mood. No, Brad is not coming back. That was a joke.
-Here’s one thing I will say for Ryan. We’ve never seen anyone in the history of this show put up such a fight after getting rejected. I’m not talking about the Trish’s from Jesse’s season, or the people who return episodes later after getting dumped. I’m talking about in the moment, as they’ve been told they weren’t receiving a rose whether at a rose ceremony or a 1-on-1 date, no one has EVER come close to putting up the fight that Ry Ry did to stay on the show. It’s either commendable or laughable because, dammit, he darn near convinced her to keep him around. “If you don’t know, why would you not give us more time?” Probably because you scare her half to death dude. And it’s not necessarily the whole swollen ego thing, but I mean, it’s safe to say you should never trust a man who carves fangs into his beard. That’s just wrong. Why would I not be surprised if I found out that Ry Guy gives himself a Brazilian every morning when he wakes up? It allows him to spend more intimate time with the person he enjoys the most – himself – and it allows him to spend an inordinate amount of time grooming his nether regions, something I’m assuming he does while looking in the mirror at himself. If it’s not a Brazilian, it’s most certainly a well manscaped “R” in the perfect place.
-I think the best part of That Guy Ry’s performance last night was his exit. All while letting out, “When you look at me, you look at a winner” phrases, and talking about how he’s blessed with worldly gifts, it was hilarious to see him in the taxi talking about the edit he was gonna get. We’ve never seen anyone do this ever. Either they’re crying, or they’re pissed off, but none of them have ever had the ability to think that far ahead and talk about, “How are you gonna portray me on the show?” during that moment. Except our guy – Ryan Freakin’ Bowers. What a progressive thinker he is. So as he’s leaving, he’s telling the producers not to give him a sh**ty edit and to make sure America sees more to him than just his pompous, arrogant, egotistical, self-absorbed side. Gee Ry, did you actually think they were gonna listen to you? That’s like telling a 5 year old, “Hey, there’s candy in the cupboard. Don’t go in there,” and then the second you’re not looking, they go into the cupboard. Ryan, you were TV gold for them this season. Either that was your intention from the get go, or you were completely naïve to the whole process and got sucked into to the producer manipulation like so many others before you have.