-Emily arrives on a boat in Curacao, and we’re not two minutes into the show before she’s shilling for hotel accommodations. “I’m so excited to be staying at the Kura Hulanda Lodge.” Yeah, well the Kura Hulanda Lodge is so happy that Emily Maynard is staying there. Not really. They’re just happy to do a trade with ABC to showcase their island and accommodations while the show gives them free advertising in return. Usually we just hear the lead say something to the effect of, “There’s no place I’d rather be than _____”, or, “I can’t think of a more perfect place to fall in love than ________.” Now she’s giving out the resorts name? Why didn’t she just do a public service announcement for them before the show? Give out the phone number, point out what’s on the menu, maybe give us a history lesson about the island of Curacao. Earlier this season we got the “Brave” promotion, and now this? I hope they worked it into Emily’s contract to throw a couple extra bucks her way for her telling us how much she loves the Kura Hulanda Lodge. The ironic thing about her pimping them is given Emily’s lifestyle, she’s been in hotels fifty times nicer and more expensive than that place.
-Since it’s the overnight date episode and they have to drag three 1-on-1 dates out over two hours with zero drama, of course the first 15 minutes are spent recapping each guy. This offered us nothing we didn’t already know. She likes all three, she can see herself with all three, it’s such a tough decision, she doesn’t know what to do, each guy is amazing and wonderful in their own right, blah blah blah. However, to drill the point home about how conflicted Emily is with her choice, we see her grab a stick on the beach and “Emily + ?” in the sand. Ooooooh, the suspense. Of course, it was washed up about four seconds later, so we didn’t see when she wrote a little small “Jef” underneath the question mark. I can’t say how impressed I was with Emily’s penmanship in the sand with a stick. Holy crap. I can’t even write on a chalkboard like that. How did she write a perfectly handwritten “Emily” with a stick? How many reshoots did that take? I think I’ll have Emily write all my “Thank You” cards at my wedding. Whenever that may be.
-Sean’s date is up first at Watamula and Emily only has one thing on her mind because, as you know, it’s all about her. “Sean hasn’t said ‘I Love You’ yet.” Oh gee, that’s unfortunate. I don’t think any human being in their right mind would tell someone they love them that’s had ONE 1-on-1 date with them in 6 weeks, but hey, that’s just me. Basically Emily is saying to him that he better step up his game and at least lie to her and tell her that just so she has a better peace of mind since the other two sheep already have. Go ahead. Ask any former contestant who lasted this long in the show if they meant it when they said they were in love. All of them will tell you, after the fact, they realized they weren’t, but the setting and circumstances make you say it. You can’t be in love with someone you don’t know. Well, except for Kate Upton. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with her and I don’t know a thing about her except what I see in her fascinating, jiggly videos. Yep. That’s love I tell ya’.
-These two take a helicopter ride to a private island, which is exactly what she did with Brad on one of their dates. And they had slow, awkward conversations – kinda like how Emily and Sean’s is starting out. Now the question is, who ate less carbs on their date – Sean or Brad? I don’t think either of these two guys would know what a carb is if it came and slapped them across the face. I’m calling it right now, lets get a posedown between Sean and Brad. Winner gets to have more awkward conversation with Emily. Loser gets to fly a kite with Ricki. Someone put this on pay-per-view, like, yesterday. I think since Sean is used to competing and is already accustomed to the tanning beds and orange skin, I say he’d win. Brad just doesn’t seem like he’d be down with a posedown. A shouting match that included “knock down drag out fights?” That’s your guy. But Sean wins the posedown. Better luck next time Brad. Ricki is waiting in the park for you again to fly a $3.99 kite from Toys R’ Us. Don’t screw this up again.
-So Emily gets Sean to talk about his hometown date and a conversation she had with his sister about the girls he’s dated and how selective he is. Sean seems to be referring back to his 3 year relationship he’s talked about before. For those that don’t know, her name is Brooke Sorenson and was a former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. She’s now married to Laynce Nix of the Philadelphia Phillies, but oddly enough, still has a whole folder of pictures on Facebook of her and Sean when they were together. Quite odd. Wonder how ol’ Laynce feels about that. Whatever. Cute pictures though. But yeah, that’s the girl that Sean was with for three years that he “loved, but wasn’t in love with her.” Ahhhhh, one of the great relationship clichés ever. Love you but not in love with you. I wonder how many times that’s been uttered in relationships across the world. I think I’ve said it once. And despite it being a very often used cliché, there is truth to it, so I can’t diss it too much. We’ve all been there before. Sean just tells Emily that basically Brooke wasn’t the one and he didn’t have those feelings for her. “No one I’ve dated has measured up the way you have.” Oh boy. That was a dagger right to Brooke’s heart if I’ve ever heard one. Good chance by tomorrow that photo album of Brooke and Sean she still has up on her FB page might be taken down. Or she’ll just draw and bunch of X’s on Sean’s face. Maybe it’s just me, but what married woman still has a photo album of their ex-boyfriend labeled “Me and Sean” on their FB page? Is Laynce aware of this?
-Since this season is all about writing letters in their down time, it’s now Sean’s turn. We had a War and Peace novel from Ryan after he’d had one date with her. We had Jef’s letter last week during the hometowns (which I’ll get to later), and now we have Sean’s open letter to his possible/maybe/could be future step daughter Ricki. I tried to keep up with it and write down as much as I could. Here’s what I was able to make out.
“Ricki…hey, it’s your new daddy Sean here. I can’t wait to meet you someday. You seem like an incredible little girl and your mom speaks so highly of you, I just know you and I will form a friendship that’ll last forever, and I’ll be so proud to be your dad and love you as my own. Brad may buy you kites, but I’ll take you to Bojangles whenever you want. I’ll never wear my hair like I’m in a 60’s Doo Wop band and jeans so tight that they cut off the circulation to my nuts to where we wouldn’t even able to give you any more brothers and sisters. I also won’t chase a bunch of pit lizards in the racing world like some other oily bohunks your mom seems to like.
I can’t wait to meet you Ricki. Tell your mommy to pick me. If she doesn’t, I might have to body slam Jeffy and karate chop Arie in the throat before I peace out of this place.
All my love. Sean.
Apparently Emily wasn’t as moved by that letter as she was by Jef’s last week. Oh well.
-Time for the overnight date card. “Emily and Sean, welcome to the beautiful island of Curacao, hope you’re enjoying your stay. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Chris. Being a single man now, I will be in the villa right next door hoping for some secondary action by putting my ears up against the wall. Or could I maybe get some closet time? That’s all I’m asking for.” Emily and Sean go back to her 3-star accommodations at the Kura Hulanda Lodge to extend the night a bit longer. They go into the hot tub, kiss for a little bit, until Sean gets bored and gets out to start doing an Insanity workout on the DVD player. Or not. I’m just assuming that’s what he did. Emily is torn between having him stay the night or not because she wants to set a good example for Ricki, and ultimately, she decides not letting Sean stay overnight. Although she’s all hot and bothered, better to head back to the room by herself with a glass of wine, some reading material, and Spanktravision on the hotel TV then let Ricki see mommy jumping in bed with three different guys on national television.