Dr. Reality Steve
Two weeks since we’ve had a Dr. Reality Steve column, yet, only four emails to cover this week. It’s ok. That giant “Reader Email” bag more than made up for it. Lets get right to the questions…
I’m so thrilled that the lawsuit is over! I was hoping all was going to be good for you, given that ABC was clearly bullying you. I loved Tuesday’s column, it was really really funny.
I have a question for Dr Reality Steve:
I have a friend who started his own company. We have been very good acquaintances ever since we met last year and I have introduced him to good contacts for his business.
We have been out for dinner and coffee for business reasons. Once or twice, back in January, he started flirting and mentioned that he thought I was very attractive, that I was his type and how great he was in bed.
He knows that I am in a serious relationship, so I stopped him there and told him that I was happy in my relationship and that I am very faithful to my boyfriend, and he hasn’t tried it again. After that, we have continued to talk as if nothing, and he hasn’t given me that “vibe” again. We didn’t meet for dinner again though, as we have been really busy with our jobs.
Well, I recently lost my job and when we spoke on the phone, he told me that he thought I was good at what I do, and that if I need some unpaid experience I could work for him at his firm while I get another job. I’ve thought about it and there are several reasons why I think I should do it: I won’t have a gap on my resume, I could learn a lot from him as a manager, and above all, this would be my chance to break into his very coveted industry and I could continue my job search while showing that I’m still employed. I think he and I could make a great team and close some deals as our styles for conducting business complement each other.
Nevertheless I was wondering if I should even work for him. I don’t want to start working there if there is a chance that he will try anything with me again and then fire me if I don’t do it (and then goodbye resume experience), particularly because his company is private and I’m not even sure whether we will have an employment contract, there is no HR at his startup, etc.
So Dr, Reality Steve, is there a chance that he is offering me this opportunity because he wants to get in my pants? I’m confused, because he hasn’t tried anything since January, but yet we haven’t met again for dinner after I put a stop to his flirting. If your answer is “it’s possible” then do you have any recommendations so I don’t give him mixed messages and just keep him at bay?
At this point, my job search is not going well, there aren’t a lot of jobs but i’m hoping the job market will open up in the fall.
Just to clarify: there is no chance in hell that I would sleep with that guy. I like him as a friend and as a business contact but that’s it.
Comment: If you’re still out of work, and you think that’s a place you can work at, then sure, I’d give it try. It definitely helps that you said you’d never sleep with him, since now there won’t be any temptation on your part. But if he makes advances at you or is only hiring you to get in your pants, I think you’ll know rather quickly and then you can just get out of it. But it sounds like it was a one time instance where he hit on you and it didn’t work, so maybe he got the picture.
Dated a guy for a few months last year. We broke up, then were going to stay friends. We hung out a few times after but then he ended up in a relationship and I really never heard from him. Now he’s around again, and I’m a little confused about his motivations. How do I figure out what’s going on? He’s really hard to read and I’m very confused. Although he has gone out of his way to compliment me on my hair and stuff, I just worry I’m reading into things. Let me be clear…I don’t want a relationship and I’m sure he doesn’t either. However, it could be a friends-with-benefits deal or he could really just be looking for someone to hang out with and do stuff with. We’re in our 20s and we both have friends who are not in the area, so it sort of makes sense we’d hang out…right? We had a really good time just hanging out recently and while there seems to be little doubt about our mutual attraction to one another, maybe it’s better to just be friends and not ruin it by hooking up– if he even wants to. Just wanted to get your input into this.
Comment: Impossible for me to answer since I’m not you. If you want the friends-with-benefits thing, then do it. If you don’t, then don’t. You did say you don’t want a relationship, so, venturing into anything with this guy basically means it’d be just a hook up thing and nothing more. Just know that if he ever gets a girlfriend again, you’ll probably never hear from him again just like the first time around.
Hi Steve, I love reading your column and I love your sometimes sarcastic and blunt answers, and I think maybe I need someone to just be blunt with me about my current situation with my former best friend.
I am currently 24 years old and have been best friends with a girl I met my freshman year of high school. When we met she hated me and made my life a living hell because her boyfriend at the time thought I was cute. After enduring this hatred for some time, we ended up on the same cheerleading team and she apologized and we became close. Throughout high school she went through some traumatic experiences, losing a family member and a boyfriend. I was her only friend that attended her family member’s funeral to support her, and I came home early from a basketball tournament to stay with her after her boyfriend was killed. I cared about her and always wanted to be there for her. During my senior year of high school, I was diagnosed with cancer. I had to periodically travel to see doctors and to have surgery, and the doctor I saw was close to the town my best friend was living in and going to college. This friend never came to see me in the hospital, she had joined a sorority and was caught up in that life style. As hurt as I was, I continued to be her friend, and be there for her. After my surgeries my friend got pregnant and decided to get married, and I was the maid of honor in her wedding. It has been several years since she got married and moved even further away, and throughout the years we have grown apart. We hardly ever talk, I used to go and visit her, but she made my trips to see her miserable so I stopped going. She has family in my hometown but she never visits. When I had my daughter my friend was offered a free plane ticket to come to my baby shower to surprise me, but she turned it down saying she did not want to endure a layover. Recently, I have gotten engaged, and as soon as I got engaged she was wanting to be back in my life and be close like we used to be, and she vocalized her expectations of being in my wedding, preferably my maid of honor. Honestly, I don’t want her in my wedding, I have a fear of her not showing up or suddenly not having the money to buy a dress, and I don’t want to take that risk. I also have grown closer with so many other people and I also have family members to include. I politely told this friend that unfortunately I was not going to be able to have her in my wedding because there were family members that I needed to include, and she through a temper tantrum. She gave me a public beating on the internet and bad mouthed me to all of her family and mutual friends. I was so upset I have not been able to talk to her, she did email me to say that all of the stuff she was putting on the internet had nothing to do with me and that she had not been saying horrible things to our mutual friends, but I know that is a bunch of bull. I chose not to respond to that email, no use in adding fuel to the fire.
My question to you is, some time has passed since this all happened, and sometimes I miss her and I try to think positively and think that everything will eventually be okay. But deep down I know that isn’t true, that she will never be a friend to me the way I was a friend to her. Part of me doesn’t want to even invite her to my wedding, is that horribly rude of me? Or should I try to be the bigger person and try to forgive and move on and be friends with her again? I go back and forth on what I should do, and I guess I need a blunt answer from someone I don’t know, and being a man and not as emotional as us females, I am interested in your thoughts. Thank you for your time.
Comment: This is simple: If you don’t want her in your wedding, especially as maid of honor, then don’t invite her. By what you described, she’s just incredibly selfish and to do what she did is pretty unforgivable if you ask me. She’s not really a true friend if what you described above is true. Cut her loose and enjoy your wedding. You don’t need that headache.
Help Dr. Steve!!
I have a question that I can’t ask anyone in my life, and I’m dying to get a mans opinion!!
I had an affair.
I’m a married woman with a family, and he’s also a married man in the same situation. We know each other professionally and neither of us has done this sort of thing before. It started with flirty emails, and after about a month turned into a sexual encounter. Prior to the “hook up” we emailed most of the day… Probably in excess of fifty short emails a day. However, since then it has dwindled. Now, I might hear from him every few days, and generally only if i initiate. His emails (when i get them) continue to be flirty and sexual, but I’m curious why I’ve suddenly stopped hearing from him. I’ve asked him what changed and he claims he’s been busier at work (which I know to be true) and that he still is “into” me. He claims he wants to continue our affair but it doesn’t make sense how he can say that but suddenly distance himself… Could it be just that the thrill of the chase is over and its going to be more casual? Or do you think it’s a sign he’s no longer into me? I know it shouldn’t even matter since we’re both married and neither of us wants to split up, but it was a lot of fun hearing from him. My opinion is that he’s over it, but I don’t get the male psyche!
Comment: I’m sure part of it has to do with the chase being over. However, he did say he wanted to continue the affair so, uhhhhhhh, that’s good? You’ve already gone down that path so nothing I say will change your mind about what you did or how shi**y I think what you two are doing is. Sounds like you need attention and you’re not getting it at home, so you resorted to finding it somewhere else. And now that the attention has died down, you don’t know what to do. I don’t know. Maybe start up another affair and watch the same thing happen again. I don’t know what you expect when you’re having an affair. Flowers, cards, and chocolates sent to you every day? If I were you, I’d lower your expectations with the guy. He’s a sex toy and that’s about it.
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