Dr. Reality Steve
So our biggest “Dr. Reality Steve” email section ever I believe. We’ve got twelve to go over. I’m going to show you the first three back-to-back-to-back, and withholding comments until the end. They were emailed to me in this order last Thursday, all within 15 minutes of each other. Read them and tell me you’re not thinking to yourself, “Are all three parties involved in this emailing Steve about the same situation?” It kinda freaked me out. Enjoy…
Dear Dr. Reality Steve,
Yes I’m a guy, but I love your blog and your advice is typically right up my alley with what I’d say. Try not to judge me too hard for this story, but I do really need some advice.
I’m 27 years old. I was in a relationship with a woman for 5 years, and we just got married in June. However, about a year ago (several months into our engagement), I ran across the Facebook profile of a girl I knew from college who lives out of state. She is hot, successful, smart, and single. I started talking to her just to see how she’s doing since we hadn’t talked in years. It began innocently but then I developed a crush on her. I told her this, I was always telling her she was hot and she kind of resisted and thought I was kidding but then eventually reciprocated into what became sort of an online/texting “affair” if you can call it that. The whole time we never saw each other but we did talk on the phone when my fiancee wasn’t around. I wasn’t completely honest with this girl about the status of my relationship with my fiancee. I think I kinda made her feel like it was on the rocks and I might leave my fiancee for her. She said she didn’t want that and just wanted to be friends, but I couldn’t get her off my mind. I told her I wanted her so bad it hurt and that I was falling for her, and I think that scared her because it was all downhill from there. She talked to my fiancee but I countered it by telling my fiancee it was really this other girl hitting on ME and not vice versa. My fiancee believed me of course since she doesn’t know the other girl, and she even went to the extent to call this girl and tell her she is a whore and a slut and to leave me alone. Which she did, and we haven’t really talked since. This all went down only two weeks before the wedding.
Well of course since I lied to keep peace with my fiancee who is now my wife, I was hoping this would all end and we could move on. We got married and had a nice wedding, and I thought I’d get over this girl from college and everything would work itself out. However I was wrong. There are two issues here. First of all, the girl’s sister and brother in law are trying to get in touch with my wife and tell her what happened, and I’m doing everything I can to cover but I feel terrible about it. I’m worried the truth will come out. One white lie is digging my grave deeper and deeper. The second thing is that I still have feelings for this girl. I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s gorgeous and smart, and it’s killing me that she knows I lied about her and betrayed her trust by throwing her under the bus.
Sticky situation I know. I’m an idiot. But I do need advice. What can I do to get out of this and keep peace with everyone?
Then email #2 came in…
Dr. Reality Steve,
I need your help. I am a newlywed and I do love my husband. But I just found out some dirt on him, and I don’t know how to deal with it. Right before we got married, a little birdy (seriously I don’t know who it was, it was an anonymous text) told me that he was cheating on me. I asked him about it and knew he’d never do that, and he said it was a lie and that he would never do that. Then the girl that was supposedly cheating with him called me, but he told me she was lying and that she was a whore and a slut and wanted him and wouldn’t let him go. So I let it go and we got married.
HOWEVER (now that we are married) I just discovered some emails and texts (hundreds to be exact if not thousands) between the two of them. I haven’t told him yet, but I need to. They are with the girl and let’s just say she’s not the only one who was being promiscuous. He actually initiated MOST of their conversations and was the one who told her he wanted to see her naked, and she said “you’re engaged” and he said it didn’t matter. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too just like Chris from Bachelor Pad. I do love him but right now I HATE HIM. Please help. Should I punch him in the face? Leave him? Forgive him? Ahhhhh!
Then email #3…
Hi Dr. Steve,
I feel manipulated and confused. This annoying guy wouldn’t leave me alone. I knew him from college and he started talking to me and I was like whatever he’s bored so I tried to be nice. But then I found out he was engaged although he was hitting on me. I told him to stop but he wouldn’t, so I told his fiancee but he lied to her and she believed him over me so she cussed me out and called me names. I blocked them both from my life, but now he’s threatening my job and all this stuff to keep me quiet. My conscience tells me she needs to know the truth (they are married now), but I don’t know her or how I can communicate it. I can’t live with this stress of his threats and her being manipulated into doing bad things to me because she believes I am trying to hook up with him still when I never was. What should I do?
Comment: I checked with all three parties, asked for names to see if we were dealing with the same situation, and all three are separate situations, and none of these emails are interrelated. But wow. It sure seemed like they were.
Email #1: First off, I think this might be the first guy to ever email Dr. Reality Steve. I mean maybe there was one or two in the past, but they certainly don’t stand out if they were. So props to you for being male and having the balls to email me, especially when it’s something you’re admitting to doing wrong.
You admitted it yourself. Every white lie you’re telling is getting bigger and bigger. I think you need to come clean and suffer what consequences come from it. If your wife leaves you, or wants to separate, so be it. Better than being in a relationship where she doesn’t trust anything you say anymore. And if she does stay with you, you guys probably need to try counseling. You have to figure out why so close to your wedding, you’re still having feelings for some chick from college who lives out of state. That’s a problem. I’d come clean sooner rather than later before this gets really nasty.
Email #2: You certainly shouldn’t forgive him. You have proof. He’s basically been cheating on you emotionally since it doesn’t sound like there was a physical relationship. But you guys do have some serious problems. You need to confront him on it now that you have proof and then it’s up to you what you should do. If it’s really THOUSANDS of texts like you say, that’s a tough one. Doesn’t sound like he’s all that happy being married to you. Something’s gotta change. You’ll never trust him again.
Email #3: Man, just re-reading these again, it surely does seem like they are interrelated, doesn’t it? Crazy.
It sounds like he’s threatening you because you called his wife. If you leave it alone, I’m guessing the threats will stop. Does it make it right? No. But it’s probably what you should do. It’s their problem now, let them deal with it. You don’t know this woman, so it’s not like you really have this strong bond to let her know what her husband did. You told her once and she didn’t believe you. What makes you think if you tell her again she will? I’d let it go. Karma will come back to bite him in the ass.
Hi Dr. Reality Steve
So the back story… I’m 25 yrs old and in a couple months I will be marrying my fiancé who is 37yrs old. Amazing man with no kids of his own. No complaints. I have a 4 almost 5yr old daughter from a previous marriage (I was 19 for that one and was too young to know better) and her dad is fully active in her life takes her on the weekends he is suppose to not a problem. So on the weekends he has her I feel like I can have the “fiancé time/me” time I so crave since I am a mother and work (like most Americans do). My fiancé and I are able to go do things we aren’t normally able to do without feeling guilty for leaving my daughter with a babysitter and we are able to just focus on us. I feel like I have the best of both worlds because I’m still able to focus on me 4 days out of the week but still have my daughter who I adore which I feel has made me a more patient mother.
Here is the problem…. My fiancé is older with no children and wants them sooner than later. Sooner as in 4-6 months after we get married he wants to start trying to have a child. Not going to lie I’m freaking out a little as the time draws near. It may sound bad of me but I feel like I may be a little too “selfish” to have another child at my age who more than likely I would be caring for 90% of the time (my fiancé works retail as a store manager so it is really demanding and he is rarely home when I am) I do realize a lot of women do it not a problem but I feel like I have become so accustomed to the 4 days I have right now that I wouldn’t be able to be as great of mom now that I may be in the future. I’m still young and still want to enjoy that before adding an additional responsibility. I tell him about how I feel and be basically just blows me off saying ill get over it and I won’t see it that way when in the situation. I hoping he is right I’m just not so sure. I want to give him everything he wants because he so great to me and my daughter and originally that’s what I wanted to but now I’m just not so sure. Would just like your honest opinion on the matter of how I can get him to listen and really listen so we can work through this together
Comment: He’s telling you how you should feel about having another kid? That’s absurd. If it bothers you, and you’re not ready to have a kid 4-6 months after the wedding, then you shouldn’t have to. This is something that you guys need to figure out on your own. Nothing I say is gonna change anything, but it sounds like he’s basically bullying you into doing things on his schedule, and not in a compromise which (as I’ve been told by every single married person I know), is what marriage is about. If you don’t want to have kids that soon, him telling you “Oh don’t worry, yes you do. You’ll change your mind” is not a compromise. Don’t do it because he wants you to. Do it because you want to have another kid.
Hi Steve. I am dying to know why men are constantly asking me out on second dates (even in the middle of dates sometimes) only to completely flake on the follow-though. Case in point, the last guy I went out with I thought was going great..we talked every day..had witty banter back and forth..went out and in the middle of the date he said that he was having a great time, wanted to go out again, made a plan and the date went on. Then he walked me to my car, kissed me, reconfirmed the date, and told me to text me when I got home. I did. He said,he was going to look into when we could go on the date he had suggested (b/c it involved a museum)..told him I had some stuff going in but gave him some days that would work and then I never heard from him again.
And this kind of thing has happened a couple of times. Maybe its b/c I write too much in emails . Anyway would, love a dude’s perspective. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks!
Comment: Maybe it’s because you write too much in emails? Well, not knowing the extent of what you emailed this guy, I have no idea if that’s the case or not. So either he’s just a player and said it to appease you, or, you really did do something that turned him off. Whatever the case, if he hasn’t spoken to you since, don’t waste your time. If he flaked, he’ll probably flake again. Especially when it’s something as minute as a second date. Move on.
Hi Dr Steve
Sorry to disappoint, but I’m not in high school and the story I will describe below happened when I was 26. I just keep thinking about it from time to time and want to see it from the man’s point of view.
Well, here it is: I was dating a guy for a few months when his best friend started to show up to every date (we have mutual friends so we all knew each other) . There was not much chemistry between me and the guy I was dating and we break up. This is when it started to get strange: I started “bumping” to his best friend: by the building where I worked, by the bus stop. Let me just make it clear that he didn’t work or lived near me. A month later, when I met him at the party, he spent the entire evening following me around and asking for my number. We went on a date and it was amazing (it defiantly beat my record – 48 hours total). Our friends had no idea we hooked up – he called his best friend once from my home number but blocked the number before making a call. I kind out got a hint and didn’t tell anyone about us. We met again a week later before he left for London for 3 months due to the work commitment (the project he was working on).
After he left, we spent countless hours on the phone and were exchanging long emails. During these 3 months all he talked about was how he missed me and how he couldn’t wait to see me again. He started planning our first date once he is back almost a month in advance. The day after he finally came back, was the day we planned to meet. He called a few hours before the date and told me that he got a flu and rescheduled to meet in a few days. Well, 2 hours before the next date he called me and told me that he didn’t want to meet and that he decided to be alone for a while – and this is after everything he was telling me for 3 month?!
We didn’t have any contact for a few months after that but then met at the mutual friend’s birthday party. He was all over me during the party up to the minute before I left (alone). What do you know, he called me the next day to tell me that he doesn’t know what to say (maybe don’t call?) other than what he said a few months ago is still true.
It’s all in the past now, we haven’t had any contacts in a year and I’m 100% moved on. It’s just from time to time I’m wondering on what happened and why he had such a dramatic change of hearts.
Any ideas from the man’s perspectives?
Comment: Could be any number of things honestly. Anything I say would just be a guess. Guys are weird sometimes. But obviously if cancelled something that important that quickly on you, he’s someone you don’t want to be with anyway. I wouldn’t worry about something that happened a year ago. Quit thinking about it, move on, and don’t even bother with the guy again.