-Chris and Sarah’s date began immediately after the challenge as they took a limo ride up the coast, and I believe ended up at the same winery and barn that Brad and Emily went on their first date too. I don’t feel like looking it up, but it sure looked the same. And we know this show loves repeating dates. Before they got to the barn, each one of them dressed in what they were wearing at the challenge, tear away their clothes to reveal they both had bathing suits on underneath. Ummmm, that wasn’t too suspicious was it? Do most women wear a bikini under their sexy dress? Do guys usually wear their board shorts underneath a long sleeve collared shirt, sweater, and nice pair of jeans? I guess on “Bachelor Pad” they do. Chris is ecstatic that he gets this date with Sarah. “This is our day. National Chris and Sarah Day.” Yes please, lets make this into a holiday. Whether we want to make it the day the date actually occurred, or the day it aired, August 27th, this should definitely be a day where all of America can go to their local CVS and can redeem a free bottle of Valtrex.
-By the way, Sarah Newlon no longer looks like Miley Cyrus anymore since Miley went Britney on her own hair and has officially started Phase 1 of her application process to be on a future season of “Celebrity Rehab.” Oh Miley, I had hope for you. Sarah has questions for Chris. “I know Chris is fresh off his breakup with Emily…is he ready for a relationship?” Don’t forget fresh off his breakup with Blakeley and Jamie too, so yeah, the answer to that question would be, “He moved on from Emily about four seconds after entering Bachelor Pad.” Is Sarah really trying to convince us she’s concerned about Chris’ emotional state 6 weeks after he was sent home on Emily’s season? Apparently Chris is still convinced he’s hurt from Emily too. “I’m still trying to figure out how long it takes a broken heart to heal…I don’t really think about Emily when I’m with Sarah, so that’s good.” Yeah, you probably shouldn’t considering she’s engaged to someone else. As for how long it takes for your little widdle broken heart to heal? About as quick as it took for Blakeley and Jamie to throw themselves at you. Safe to say, I think Chris is delusional. Especially when he gives her the line of “I can’t wait to have many more dates with you in the future.” And by “many more dates with you” he means “many more hookups with women all across America every time I go visit a new city.” Sarah must feel special.
-Back at the mansion, Rachel is a mess. She’s still crying over Michael. I even could’ve sworn she said, “Michael and I haven’t even broken up…” Oh boy. He played her well. Honey, you may not think you’ve broken up, but he certainly did. Hell, seems to me he didn’t even think you were together. Probably best that she just starts worrying about strategy and less about Michael. So Blakeley, Jaclyn, and Rachel begin forming their next move, which is to get rid of Kalon and Lindzi. They say it’s all about loyalty, they are “Bachelor 16 girls,” and they’re going to stick together. You know how I know this? Because they pinky sweared on it. And not only that, once their pinkies were interlocked, they kissed their fingers. I guess that means something totally serious. Like, “Hey, we know kissed our fingers while we pinky swore, so that means we can never break this promise for at least another 24 hours. Maybe 36. But after 48, that swear means sh**.”
-Ed & Jaclyn’s date was classic. Yet another case of some guy in the house hooking up with a girl, her getting emotionally involved, and the guy being like, “What? We can’t hook up, sleep in the same bed and have sex every night and it not mean something?” Ed tells Jaclyn about a chick back home that he pursued hard, they started dating, but before the show they broke up and agreed each was single, or what I like to call the “Michael Stagliano Rule of Dating Someone Before Going on a Reality Show.” Jaclyn had no idea about Ed’s chick back home. Uhhhhh, of course you didn’t. Would you have let him into your pants if you did? Jaclyn: “I don’t know if I would’ve acted that way, and done what we did, if I knew.” Well, that’s debatable, but still. There’s a reason he didn’t tell you about her – it would’ve killed his chance for nookie.
-This continues into their dinner conversation where Jaclyn confronts him on what he’s been doing in the house. “What we have done, and what you’ve said, are two different things.” Jaclyn thinks by being partners, hooking up, having sex, and sleeping in the same bed every night, that not only are they a “couple” on the show, that it would extend into real life. Which I can totally see why she’d think that. However, she didn’t take into account this is Ed Swiderski we’re talking about. I don’t know how far back Jaclyn’s “Bachelor/ette” knowledge goes, but she had to at least have had SOME sort of idea this guy was a player, right? Maybe a little? Regardless, Ed seems to be able to separate the sex part and the game part without any problem whatsoever. This annoys Jaclyn and it seems like this conversation is going nowhere fast. Ed then talks down to her by saying, “Is this like some sort of Facebook status? Why do we have to label it?” Translation: Dammit, I thought I’d never get caught having my cake and eating it too. Can’t we just knock it out on the show and we’ll figure other stuff out later? Then the best exchange of the night took place.
Jaclyn: “I don’t want to look like a whore.”
Ed: “And I don’t want to look like an asshole.”
Done and done.