Why do I not feel like I’m doing anything wrong? That’s the question, now here’s the story.
My husband and I had been married three and half years when I received a career proposal that required me to move temporarily for some big bucks. Given the weight of the offer and the confidence we had in our marriage, we decided to accept the proposal in which I move out of state for the six to nine month period, while my husband stayed and continued his job with his company. While apart we talked frequently and he came and visited me for about six weeks (It was suppose to only be two weeks, but he couldn’t seem to part).
Then, after having that increased closeness from his visit, it was not two weeks after his return that he starts talking to a girl at his work to help her with her marital problems, finds her extremely attractive, feels like she gets him better than anyone ever has, kisses her and ends up staying at a hotel with her for three nights in a nearby town. My husband was not covert about it as he used cards from mutual accounts to pay for it.
So, after confessing and talking to counselors throughout the last four weeks, he says his feelings for her are lessening and he knows with 100% confidence he wants to be with me. He hasn’t cut things off with her completely as they still text daily and occasionally meet up. I didn’t understand how he could play both sides- say he loved me and still care for her, but now I do…now that I have hooked up someone too.
Aw, how the plot thickens. Ironically, in opening up to another man about my marital problems, I too found someone who is much more like myself, finds me incredibly attractive and gives me the physical attention I am lacking. I used to think that there was no way my husband could cheat on me if he loved me. I don’t think that anymore. I do love my husband, and am going to see him next week, and yet, I don’t feel bad spending a large amount of time with another man. I know the end result, that I want to be with my husband, and yet I feel like by being with another man, I can better understand and be more forgiving of him. Yet, it doesn’t make sense that I can feel so close to my hubby, want to be with him forever, but have no qualms about snuggling into the arms of another man while he’s gone.
And so my question remains, why don’t I feel like what I’m doing is wrong?
Comment: Because you’re making excuses for your behavior. You assume because he did it it’s ok for you to do it and not feel guilty.
There are some giant red flags here. Your husband had a three day weekend romp with some woman, you guys went to counseling over it, he says with 100% confidence he wants to be with you, yet he still texts her daily and meets with her? That’s ridiculous. Their relationship hasn’t ended whether you want to believe it or not. Maybe physically it has, but you honestly think he’s not at least entertaining the thought of doing that again with her or flirting? C’mon.
Your situation is confusing. You said you found someone who is more like yourself and gives you the physical attention you’re lacking, yet you say you still want to be with your husband? It sounds like neither of you are happy in your marriage but don’t want to get divorced. Are kids involved? That seems to be the only thing I can think of as to why you’d stay together with your husband when you’re both cheating.
You’re kidding yourself if you think what you’re doing is right or ok. You think you’re husband would think its ok? I don’t know if you’re doing this to get back at him for what he did, or if you’re just bored, but I don’t see the point of staying married to him if you want to continue to see another man. This is not going to end well if you do.
First of all thank you for taking the time to read this question. Ok, I am 25 years old and have been with my fiance’ (who is 30) for about 2 years now and things are great and we are planning a spring wedding. I really love him and see forever with him. The only problem is I have these lingering feelings for another person. I see this other guy at work occasionally and I can’t get him out of my head. We have always had this instant chemistry. For a brief backstory he became single shortly after I started dating my guy and we have been having a kind of emotional affair since if you want to call it that. Everytime I do seem him all of these feelings come back. I keep telling myself fantasy is better than reality but it does not work. He has expressed a real interest in me for a while now and I know he is genuine. We do hang out and we kiss sometimes but that is as far as it goes. I have told myself that he is not the guy for me and tried everything (not talking to him, ignoring my feelings, just focusing on my man, etc) but I just can’t forget him. It’s been weighing on me and my emotions but i just cannot stop. If I had to chose it would be my fiance’ but I can’t forget this other guy no matter what I do. I guess my question is how can I forget about this other guy in that way? Thank you.
Comment: Ummmmm, you’re engaged and yet you’re kissing another man? You know that’s cheating, right? Just checking. My advice is you probably shouldn’t be engaged when you have feelings for someone else. Maybe they aren’t as strong as the feelings you have for your fiancé, but it sounds like you’re pretty sprung on this guy considering as an engaged woman, you haven’t been able to resist yourself. What if you get married and your husband finds out about this? What do you think the reaction will be then? I say you figure things out before you move forward with any sort of wedding plans.
Hey Dr. Steve,
I’m an 18 year old small town girl, taking a gap year before I go off to college, and I need some advice on how to tell if somethings worth the possible downsides. I’ve had a friend, lets call him John, whose 19 and I’ve known for as long as I can remember. We’ve never really been that close before this summer, when we started hanging out a lot more, and we eventually went out on a few dates and hooked up a couple of times. This morning, he asked me to kinda “officially” be his girlfriend. I really like this guy, and would love to give him the answer yes. But heres the thing. John just came back from basic training, and then Infantry school at the beginning of the summer, and thats when we started hanging out, without the intention of whatever we had going anywhere. He is in the army, and is going to be deployed to Afghanistan in a few weeks for 6 months. I’m not sure if I want to take the risk of getting in deeper with him and having more ties to him and have him not return, or get hurt, or just decide he doesn’t want to deal with having a girlfriend thats thousands of miles away while he’s fighting a war. I just don’t know if I can handle it, but I don’t want to be the bitch who says no to a guy because he’s going to war soon. I just don’t know if its worth the potential heartbreak in the end.
Thank you for any possible insight you could have to this situation.
Comment: I’d just not label anything and say that you like him, you’d like to see where things go, but because he’s going to be gone for 6 months, there’s no need to make it “official” just because he’s leaving. You can still talk and Skype while he’s gone I assume. Do that, and when he returns home, then figure it out. Sounds like he’s rushing you for an answer before he leaves, and if it’s not something you want to do, then don’t do it yet.
Dear Dr. Reality Steve,
I work at a University and have had a pretty major attraction/crush/lust on a certain faculty member for the past 6 years (when I initially met him). Over the years I have gotten to work with this person more and more frequently, on a variety of different projects. I should probably also mention that my crush is married and is 22 years older than me. I don’t really understand the attraction as I have never been attracted to men much older than me before or since I met this person. However, there is something about him, and I know that many people younger than me have also been attracted to him – it’s just one of those things I guess. Anyway, because this person is married, and I am also married, I have no intention of acting on my attraction – it’s an attraction and nothing more. My question is this: Over the past two years, while working closer and closer with this man, I have noticed our physical contact increasing as well. After a successful project, he would always give me a big, long hug – and more recently, he’s made those hugs very close to the point that our cheeks are always touching. That was all fine and i’ve never thought anything out of the ordinary about that. However, several weeks ago, we met for lunch to discuss business. He paid and when he had to leave (I stayed behind even though it was just the two of us – he was in a hurry), he stood up, walked over to where I was seated, leaned in for a hug, and he gave me both a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Now, in the past when we’ve hugged, it’s always been at “special” times – such as after a successful presentation, or the last time we see each other before the summer (because it’s generally months before we see each other again)….we’ve never hugged after something small like a business meeting. And the addition of the kiss on the cheek is really making me wonder. It’s a simple enough gesture that it could be written off as friendliness or fondness for each other, or to symbolize a successful friendship. However, to me, it just made me think because it’s something he’s never done before, and there was really no reason for it. In your opinion, do you think he is trying to tell me something? Is there a mutual attraction there? Or is it nothing at all but a friendly gesture?
Comment: You’re both married and he’s 22 years older than you. Don’t even think about it. Who cares if he’s flirting with you if you said yourself you don’t plan on acting upon it? I think you might be reading into something that isn’t there.
Okay, so Chris is “butt hurt” that everyone hates him. Even if they don’t show this on the finale (not sure I’ll watch it, like the rest of America I’ve skipped this season) this may be the absolute least surprising thing you’ve ever spoiled.
What is the psychological makeup of tools like him and Kalon? Is it:
1. Trying to have it both ways by deliberately getting people to hate him for the negative attention but then simultaneously playing the pity card.
2. A genuinely out-of-touch-with-reality delusional complex that honestly can’t fathom how people would not like his behavior.
Comment: I’d say a combination of both, but probably moreso #2.
Everything is good in my life, but I still need a little advise. I recently moved cities, and I’m in an apartment for the first time since college. Even though I’m in a nice area with high rent loft-style apartments geared towards professionals, sometimes I feel like I’m living in a soap opera / dorm. I really prefer not being on top of my neighbors.
So, two issues. About once a week, I hear my neighbors arguing REALLY loudly. I hear crashing and banging. At one point, one of their chairs disappeared because it was broken during an argument. I actually haven’t heard any defined words from her, but I’ve heard him call her some pretty nasty names. I like these people, and I haven’t seen any evidence of physical abuse on her. I’ve let him know that I have heard them. I tried to cushion the conversation by saying I’d been involved in some pretty nasty arguments with people I dated before. (I’ve yelled before, but it hasn’t been for more than a statement or two. I’ve never been involved in any loud verbal fight that lasted more than a few minutes – let alone ANYTHING physical.) He says that she is bipolar and crazy. I haven’t seen it. It doesn’t mean it’s not true, I’m just saying I haven’t been on that end of her personality. She’s under 5′ tall and in her early 20s. He’s in his late 30s and generally a pretty grumpy moody guy. He once stopped talking to me for days when I made a joke that he “snitched” on me to my boyfriend. He’d “told” on me for accidentally letting the dog get past me out the door. The area is gated, so it wasn’t like I’d committed some grave sin, and I didn’t think the neighbor was trying to get me in trouble. I was just making a joke because he’d mentioned it before I had. Anyway, that’s pretty much the background. They don’t have any neighbors that share a wall other than us. It makes me really uncomfortable to hear them arguing, particularly with the associated noises in the house. (We have really thick walls. They must be VERY loud to hear them.) I’ve already brought up that I could hear them because I thought that might make it stop, but it hasn’t. I don’t know if I should call in a noise violation when it’s happening so somebody checks on them. Maybe I should knock on the wall loudly? Maybe there is something I should say to her? Or should I just crank up my music and ignore it? I don’t want somebody to die or get hurt and feel responsible…
So my next issue, we have other neighbors that are in their early 30s. He’s in the armed forces. He was away for training for a couple of weeks. During that time, I saw his live-in girlfriend at the pool kissing another guy. More than once. She’s got a bubbly personality, but she’s also super dumb and super into herself. I feel bad for the guy. He’s about to be deployed for an extended time. I don’t know either of them that well, but she’s awfully cavalier about her cheating. I hate to think he’s going to go away and send all his money home for her. Hopefully I’ll have bought a house and I won’t be here when he gets back. Should I say something to him or to her? I don’t really care if either of them hate the messenger. I just hate for this guy to waste his time on a cheating bitch. My thought right now is if I see her with the other guy, I’ll make a point to go out and engage her in conversation & avoid the elephant in the room.
What do you think? I hate this. I hate that adults act like this. I’ve dealt with infidelity, and I’ve seen people really harmed in abusive relationships. I don’t actually want to get involved, but I feel bad for letting other people get hurt. Help me Steve.
Comment: For the first half of the email, I’d tell both of them that their arguing is loud, it’s annoying you, and if they could please knock it off. If it’s happening all the time, then they have issues, and yes, maybe it will escalate into something further. Maybe next time if it gets out of hand, call the cops. Have them check it out. You’re only speculating, but the cops will show up and definitely put a scare into them.
As for the second half of the email, leave it alone. You said yourself you’re not friends with either of them and you may be moving soon. I’d just let it be. If he was a good friend of yours, I’d say absolutely tell him you saw her cheating on him. But he’s not and no need to involve yourself in it. You don’t know him well enough.