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Dr. Reality Steve

“Reader Emails,” “Dr. Reality Steve,” & Another Contestant Confirmed for the “Bachelor”

Dr. Reality Steve

No question, just a comment.

Our Dr. Reality Steve emails make my life seem so normal, tame and…good!

What the heck is with all of these people cheating on their partners? Or considering cheating for that matter?

Comment: I have no idea. Seems to be the theme of pretty much 75% of the Dr. Reality Steve emails we’ve gotten in recent weeks. Must be some bug going around or something. Or maybe it’s in the water. I’ve actually been kinda perplexed by it. Had no idea so many people liked cheating. I just figured it was only celebrities and athletes who did it all the time. Guess I was wrong.
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Hi Steve,

I’m never written before but felt I had to re: the last Dr. Steve question this week. I have worked in the field of domestic violence for awhile and just felt compelled to offer some advice. I would really appreciate it if you could pass this along to the neighbor or put in your column so they will see it. First of all, I wouldn’t recommend talking to them together. It may just make the guy angry (which it sounds like he is a lot of the time) and then he could take that anger our the girl and blame her for other people getting involved. It truly sounds like this writer is hearing what is an abusive relationship. If they can hear things being broken, yelling and screaming, etc. and most of it is one sided, then there is definitely verbal abuse and likely physical abuse going on. If this guys knows that people can hear and doesn’t care, then those are the actions of someone who is a batterer, he is focused on the power and control and not about what others think. I’ve been in this situation personally (same thing with a neighbor & i could hear loud arguments & things breaking) and professionally as well. What would be really great is if this writer could get together some resources on places that help domestic violence victims in her area (shelters, crisis lines, etc.) and give that to the girl. The girl may not be able to keep it (for safety reasons, you wouldn’t want the guys finding it) but she could program some numbers into her phone under fake names so that has them available if needed. Many times (particularly in situations where the guys is older) women feel trapped and don’t know how to get out of the situation safely (the most dangerous (lethal) time for a women is when she tries to leave a domestic violence situation). I would encouage the neighbor to just approach the girl when the guy is not around, let her know she has been in the situation before (even if it’s not true you can stretch it a bit and be more relateable) and understands it can be hard to leave/ask for help but that she wanted to make sure the girl had some resources if she needed them. Sometimes it only takes one person to stand up and let someone know that what is happening is not normal and is not okand that they are for them. If she’s not comfortable talking to the girl herself she should at the very least call the building management or police when she hears an incident so that someone can check on the situation and make sure the girl is ok. Domestic violence is not a personal matter – it’s a societal problem and we all need to do our part to help stop it.

Comment: Well, I hope that person is reading what you said because it sounds like you know what you’re talking about. I don’t think I still have their info, but if they want to contact me again, I’ll be sure to pass along your thoughts to them. That was just a pretty ridiculous situation. They should probably just stay out of it since they weren’t really that close of friends with either party.
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Dr. Reality Steve,

I thought you might be able to help me out on what I should do (or not do) – my girl brain is having trouble understanding!

I am 26 years old and have been with my boyfriend (27) for more than 9 months. I knew from the beginning that things weren’t going to move super fast with us – he let me know early on that he hadn’t dated very much (only one semi-serious girlfriend in college and then spent a few years after college getting his life & career in order) and he just isn’t the player/fast-moving type. He’s incredibly caring and respectful, I’m very attracted to him, and in short he has all of the qualities I am looking for in a future husband. We’ve traveled together (no drama) and are very open with each other about most everything. We have even talked about what we’re looking for in the future and what our version of a “good timeline” is in a relationship.

He said he thinks a good relationship timeline is to date and talk about “where is this going from here… towards marriage?” around the 1.5 years mark and engagement 2-3 years into dating. I just told him I didn’t think I needed 3 years to know if I wanted to be with someone long-term or not and left it at that – I don’t really disagree with his other views about it. It wasn’t a big drawn-out conversation but I think we’re both more comfortable knowing each other’s expectations.

He’s pretty affectionate when we are alone together and is great at making me feel loved and wanted. He is not big into PDA but is fine with me wanting a quick smooch every once in awhile in public. I have gotten to know him very well since we started dating and know that his family isn’t the most lovey-dovey – I completely understand because my family is the same way. I’ve known for several months now that I am in love with him and have had that nagging “I really wish I could just say it to him” feeling. I’ve been trying to push it down and tell myself that he’ll eventually get there and say it to me, because he’s really good at SHOWING that he cares for me. He’s just not great at putting it into words. But I still wanted him to say it first!

Well, my impatience got the best of me about a month ago (along with iffy advice from a girlfriend and a little bit -but not too much!- of liquid courage). I told him that I love him. And then of course I had one of those “oh man, I can’t believe I actually said it out loud, before he did, etc.” moments as I waited for him to say it back. And he didn’t. I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was along the lines of “I really care about you, (kiss kiss, hug), but you know I don’t really say that to my family much and am not used to saying those things so I don’t know……” and then my mind is just blank because my heart was in my stomach at that point. It was a little bit awkward and I definitely wasn’t very smooth in how I said it so I left it at “I meant what I said and I don’t take it back but I’d really like a do-over of this someday.”

Since then not much has really changed with us. Everything is still really good but the “I love you” topic hasn’t come up. I know that he definitely views me as much more than a friend, we see each other just about every day, and he is not shy about making plans very far ahead with me. I’m just lost about what I should do (or not do)… I love him and hope that he feels the same way.

My question is: how long should I wait for him to acknowledge that he feels that way – or doesn’t – and how long should I wait to broach the subject again if he doesn’t bring it up? I want to be patient and give him time; I understand that he’s serious about me and has not grown up talking about his feelings in that way. However, I also want to be able to verbally express my love for my partner and want the same in return. I don’t know if he’s ever been in love before or not and I wasn’t planning on asking him if he wasn’t offering details. I don’t want to break up with him or give him any sort of ultimatum.

Thanks for any insight or advice you can give!

Comment: Well at least you’re fully aware the guy seems to be kind of emotionally detached for whatever reason. It’s definitely not a good sign, but at least he does other things for you. Last weeks email from someone else seemed to suggest their partner never said they love her AND didn’t do much to show it either. Not a good combo. At least your guy is batting .500.

However, does he really need to date someone for over a year, and then wait 2-3 years to be engaged? That seems a bit extreme, but everyone is different, and it sounds like you two are when it comes to that particular topic. Ultimately it’s your decision of how much that’ll bug you, but since it’s been 9 months and you’re already skeptical, it’s your call. You know what you’re dealing with – a guy that still hasn’t said he loves you after 9 months and a guy who won’t commit to an engagement for at least 2-3 years. If you can’t take it, get out now. If you think you can, then stick with it. But don’t stay thinking you’re gonna change his mind and speed it up. Then your expectations will be completely shattered if he doesn’t.
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Send all regular and “Dr. Reality Steve” emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you soon.

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32 Comments

32 Comments

  1. Athena

    September 6, 2012 at 5:46 AM

    The first RS letter, the one from the domestic violence expert, was spot-on. And even though Steve acknowledges she (?) knows a lot more about the subject than he does, he then makes a final comment about the neighbor simply minding her own business – exactly the OPPOSITE of what the expert was recommending. Steve Steve Steve – you missed the boat here. Reread the letter from the expert. Please. And, same for anyone else here who suspects a friend, acquaintance, neighbor, etc. might be in an abusive relationship.

  2. karynr

    September 6, 2012 at 6:12 AM

    Athena, you are absolutely right. That was terrible advice, Steve! Do not stay out of it. Pick up the phone and call the authorities immediately. You could be saving a life. Too many people, especially children, have ended up dead because of people minding their own business.

    I don’t mind the corny letters, the ones written by Steve, etc., but I do mind the poor advice given on serious issues such as this one. Steve would be smart to avoid letters about serious subjects. He has no right giving advice.

  3. karynr

    September 6, 2012 at 6:19 AM

    I don’t get all the hate towards Blakely. Out of all the women in the house this season, she handled herself much better than most. She seems like the type of person who might be a aggressive, but would be a loyal, loving friend. Sure, the Fleissdb gave her a terrible edit on the Bach, but I really don’t get all the negativity. Am I missing something, or is it just the typical bad edit and everyone jumping on the hate bandwagon? I like Blakely. And the comment from the writer about child protective services was so uncalled for in regards to Blakely. That was a terrible thing to say about someone you don’t know personally.

  4. laney2012

    September 6, 2012 at 6:26 AM

    I couldn’t read the first Dr. RS. I don’t do well with an infinite paragraph.

  5. c104

    September 6, 2012 at 7:24 AM

    Wrong again, Steve. Mike Holm was on the hometown date. Jef introduced him at the beginning to Emily. He also sat at the end of the table in the group shot. Get your facts straight.

  6. nicoco21184

    September 6, 2012 at 7:32 AM

    This girl from Portland- how can she possibly want to advance her modeling career when she is only 5’3″? Get famous- yes. Advance modeling career? What career?

  7. readformindlessentertainmentandnothingelse

    September 6, 2012 at 7:44 AM

    I would bet money on the fact that Nick and Chris had a little deal and ended up splitting the money…that’s my guess. Doesn’t matter if it’s right or not, just thought I’d throw it out there.

  8. Sunnyside422

    September 6, 2012 at 8:42 AM

    The second pic of Jordyn looks a lot like Ashley Hebert. Of course this 23 year old is looking for a husband!! Smile.

  9. kasey31

    September 6, 2012 at 8:55 AM

    yea, terrible advice! people do realize that steve isnt actually a dr., right? agree with karynr and athena, that was a very serious subject matter, and he tells her to stay out of it?! i get that she contacted him, but come on! how old is he? his response is disappointing to say the least… if anyone ever suspects any type of abuse, call! it’s much better to be safe than sorry..

    @c104- youre right.. after i read the tabloids, i went back and rewatched jefs portion of the hometown date.. mike was absolutely present!

  10. punka

    September 6, 2012 at 9:02 AM

    I do find it very ironic that a show like Bachelor Pad, which is mostly just a summer T&A hook-up show, has had more success at putting couples together that might actually get married or last than the Bachelor/Bachelorette has had. It is the elephant in the room with the show for sure.

    I think those couples are ignored simply because it puts a spotlight on the total lack of success with teh franchise actually helping build lasting reltaionships, since it has zero to do with that. It is about the ratings, and the illusion of love.

  11. krb31

    September 6, 2012 at 11:39 AM

    to the girl who’s dealing with the guy never saying “i love you”, i have a friend whose boyfriend waited 2.5 years to say it… AND NOW HE WON’T STOP! it’s cute… she’s like “hey can you pass the salt” and he says “ok. i love you”… and apparently his brother didn’t even ever say it to his girlfriend/fiance until the night before their wedding, and that was after about 3 years

  12. rsizthebest

    September 6, 2012 at 4:07 PM

    I’ll second that to the girl who’s dealing with the guy never saying “I love you” – sometimes a guy knows it after the girl does; no strike that, usually the guy knows it after the girl does. Just let the guy have a couple of years. But really most guys know secretly after about 6 months. So if you are waiting too much longer, that’s a bad sign. And after the love proclamation, after that and a couple of years, an ultimatum is usually behind a marriage proposal, because, yes, that’s how many marriage unions get created. When guys know they are about to lose you, the one that cares gets on his knees and if he doesn’t? Well, there’s the door.

  13. beara

    September 7, 2012 at 1:57 PM

    I’m thinking it is Paige & Chris B. You guys need to follow twitter to get a clue on what is going on! Chris went to Minnesota and visited with Paige’s family (and visited some fan who is in a wheelchair) and now Paige is going to Marlyand for Chris’ restaurant opening! Can I get a confirm RS?

  14. beara

    September 7, 2012 at 1:58 PM

    I referencing the superfan / regular couple as asked by one of the emails.

  15. chloesmoma

    September 7, 2012 at 6:05 PM

    Hi
    In regards to the question asked about Jef’s hometown date and whether his brother was in attendance. Steve AND Mike were there, if you go to Youtube and watch the episode you will see him at the beginning and the end (he is the big guy with the hat) Jef introduces him and tells Em when they are sitting on the hay bale that Mike and Steve will be there. I saw them on GMA this morning and was sorta shocked that they have kissed and made up. I would not be speaking to my sibling if they betrayed me in that way…I don’t know what to think about these 2 anymore. I know they appear to be all lovey dovey in public but I am not sold….Just sayin

  16. doll

    September 7, 2012 at 7:11 PM

    karynr, I totally agree with you about Blakely. I like her too. I’ve been rooting for her all along. I also get the feeling that she would be a good, trustworthy friend. And just because she was a Hooter’s waitress doesn’t mean she can’t be a good wife and stepmother. I really hope she and Tony can make a go of it.

  17. lcs85

    September 7, 2012 at 9:18 PM

    @Punka I think Kalon explained it really well in his conference interview last week about why there are more successful relationships from BP then from the regular shows.

    “ABC sets out to form these couples and let people fall in love, but as crazy as it may seem, Bachelor Pad is actually a much, much healthier environment for that. I know that’s hard to believe considering what goes on there, but you actually get to spend time with that person that you are interested in every day, all day long. You’re not spending incremental time with them for 15 minutes here, 20 minutes there, and then going back to a house full of crazy people that are all competing for the same person… I think getting to spend time with someone, that’s really how you get to know them. So it was much, much easier for us to form and develop a healthy relationship in that environment, believe it or not.”

  18. stacyh20

    September 9, 2012 at 9:03 AM

    Steve didn’t seem quite as negative in this posting! let’s hope it keeps going that way!

  19. kasey31

    September 10, 2012 at 9:04 PM

    could jamie have possibly looked anymore disgusted and jealous of blakely and tony? she is just one of those friends, girls u know what i mean.. the one who can manipulate a converstation so the focus somehow always ends up on them, who has a hard time being happy for other people, and who can turn the happiest moments in your life into a self pitty party for her..

    if anyone recorded tonight’s episode, go back and pause it on jamie’s face right before tony actually proposes and you’ll see exactly what im talking about.. haha…

  20. iheartvino

    September 10, 2012 at 9:28 PM

    Kasey, I just went back and watched that scene again and you’re right!! Also, couldn’t someone have told Jamie that it’s not Halloween yet?!

  21. kasey31

    September 10, 2012 at 9:35 PM

    @iheart- i heart you! xoxo

  22. DawsMA

    September 10, 2012 at 10:40 PM

    Right on about Jamie, I noticed her look of disgust in that moment too. Sour grapes! She really does seem socially awkward, as Jaclyn pointed out.

    As for her abundance of accessories, I think it was Zsa Zsa Gabor who once said something like, once we have on all our accessories and are ready to head out, remove one item and you’ll be good to go. In Jamie’s case she could stand to remove about five. I loved all the Twitter comments about bedazzling and false eyelashes. The best was someone referring to her headpiece as a rhinestone thong!

    So more importantly, who is this couple RS is referring to anyway? Chris and Paige? Chris and Rachel? Chris and someone? Someone and someone? So confused!

  23. kasey31

    September 11, 2012 at 8:13 AM

    @dawsma- i think it’s chris and paige opening up a restaurant with a few other people?

  24. randais

    September 11, 2012 at 8:21 AM

    It never ceases to amaze me that, not only do people ACTUALLY WRITE these ‘letters” to RS in hopes of getting good/quality info, but EVEN MORE that people read them. I personally can’t stomach them. The idea that RS has the experience/knowledge/education to qualify him to answer these pitiful people intelligently, is absurd.

    Moving on, I have to give credit where credit is due. While I stopped watching Trashelor Pad WEEKS ago, I did catch it online this morning just to see if RS got it right…he did. Kudos RS. The show is trash, it depicts human beings in the worst light possible, it highlights their greed/lack of common sense and morals/duplicity/hypocrisy, not to mention their HORRIBLE taste in fashion. What’s interesting about that? BUT you got it RS, so hats off to you.

  25. strick432

    September 11, 2012 at 8:28 AM

    I know what happens on the show but I missed it and didn’t get to DVR it. Can you go to the ABC website and watch the entire episode?

  26. kasey31

    September 11, 2012 at 9:11 AM

    @strucj432- yes u can watch it online..

  27. kasey31

    September 11, 2012 at 9:11 AM

    @strick432 sorry! haha..

  28. truebachelorfan4ever

    September 11, 2012 at 10:04 AM

    Not 100% on this because I don’t care for Roberto and wouldn’t watch a bachelor w/ him as the lead therefore have not really been that interested on what has been written about him being the lead thus far, but from what I do recall, Steve had said a few months ago that Roberto would 100% be the next bachelor and now it seems as if he is slowly backing away from that stance?

    As for the BP, anyone else think what….omg I am blanking on his name…Kevin? Nope Nick, I think, did is hillarious? His comments on why he did it were totally spot on, Rachel did treat him like garbage and show him zero respect and I have no problem with what he did, poor Rachel I do feel for her that she would have been upset when Michael left, but she did show her true colors when she treated Nick with little to no respect because he was not one of the “cool” kids, when really all she needed to do was to focus on the game for a week or 2 more and see where things were at with Michael when it was over. Thoughts?

  29. ashella

    September 11, 2012 at 1:08 PM

    @truebachelorfan4ever Shortly after Roberto signed on for the next Bachelor, there were stories that he was demanding more money… at the same time, Sean started to pull on the audience’s heart strings. So now Steve thinks it’s up in the air that they could have ditched Roberto because of his requests for more money and gone with Sean since everyone seems to love him. But yea, it does sound like RS is trying to keep it open where depending on who they pick he could say “I told you it was Roberto months ago” or “I told you that they were ditching Roberto because he wanted too much money” just like he always gets irritated at the tabloids for doing.

  30. truebachelorfan4ever

    September 11, 2012 at 1:19 PM

    The more I think about it I think it will be Nick after what he pulled gettting the full 250K last night, because I just think that Sean would be way to boring a lead, and that 25 of the type of good girls that he would be interested in (ala Tenley) would not bring much drama either,

  31. msangie

    September 11, 2012 at 6:22 PM

    @punka — bachelor/bachelorette’s goal isn’t to produce a lasting couple. it’s actually surprising that they’ve had any success. On bp, potential couples get to hang out together for the duration of the show. Contrast that with how much time the lead spends with his/her final choice during the bachelor/bachelorette.

  32. russg

    September 12, 2012 at 6:09 AM

    Nick is my hero, thanks to him for making us little guys that are not part of the clique feel good. Been there and done that when u are with a woman that wants to talk about someone else all night and you are a captive audience until the date ends. I didn’t win $250K but I did get drop her off at the end of her driveway and never have to look at her butter face. again.

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