Reality Steve

Bachelor Pad 3

“Reader Emails,” “Dr. Reality Steve,” & Sean Lowe is the Next Bachelor

Dr. Reality Steve

Dear Dr. Reality Steve,

I hope I hit you on another low week, because I would love to hear your answer to my question. This happened during college, which I am a few years out of. But it still crosses my mind occasionally and puzzles me. Sad and lame? Yes. But it is what it is…. and I would greatly appreciate your wisdom! 😀

So, I was hanging out with some older sorority sisters at their apartment before a night out partying. We were about to head out when the doorbell rang, and it was my sorority big sister’s ex-boyfriend (who attended college the next state over), surprise visiting (they had remained on friendly terms). He was introduced to all, seemed very nice, and was invited out with us to a party at a nearby frat house.

A bit into the party I had gotten separated from my friends, and was wandering around. Ex-boyfriend guy and I crossed paths (he was also at loose ends, not really knowing anyone) and we started chatting. After a bit, we agreed that we weren’t really into the party and decided to head back to my sorority sisters apartment to hang out there, and wait for them to return from the party. We had a blast. We played video games, talked, really connected and had a great time. Things were a bit flirty I guess, but not outrageously so. I wasn’t thinking of him in a “potential romance” way – he was from out of town, and my big sister’s ex. Chicks before dicks and all that…. So I was definitely less inhibited and more myself around him than I usually was around guys. It was nice.

The other girls got back, it got late, and everyone decided to call it a night. He offered to drive me back to my dorm and I accepted. We got there and parked and sat in the car for a sec, talking. He started talking about how he thought I was awesome and he really liked me but he couldn’t really date anyone right now – between school and his competitive college swimming, things were just too intense, especially for anything long distance. I’m kind of thinking, where is this coming from? All of a sudden, he went in for a kiss.

I was completely thrown as I had not seen that coming. I kind of turned away and deflected it in shock. He looked sort of hurt, and I felt bad – I also realized in that moment that I really did like him “like that” and was attracted to him. So I leaned over and kissed him. I asked him if he wanted to come up to my room and hang out for a little longer (which, I realize how that sounds after the fact, but I really did just want to spend even a little more time with this awesome, fun, cool guy and besides, my roommate would be in the room also – so no funny business!). He said he couldn’t, he had to get home, his parents expected him not to stay out too ridiculously late (it was probably 2 in the morning at that point). And he walked me to the door, left, drove away, and I never saw or heard from him again.

Obviously, he wasn’t out to hook-up, or he wouldn’t have rejected my offer to come up (however innocently it was intended). I certainly hadn’t asked or hinted about dating, so what’s with the speech? And why torment us both with a single kiss….and no more? Why even go there??

Help me out Steve!

Comment: With all due respect, I’m surprised you’ve spent more than 5 seconds thinking about this guy from back in college that was years ago who gave you one kiss. I have no idea what’s going through this guy’s head, but at this point, who cares? You certainly shouldn’t. I understand this isn’t like some big dilemma in your life and something that’s currently ruining a current relationship, but this story seems rather innocent and pretty innocuous. It’s over and done with, it was years ago, and it was one kiss. You shouldn’t even concern yourself with something like that. I’d say just forget about the dude and move on. He was a college guy. There could be a myriad of reasons for why he did what he did.

Dear Dr. Steve,

I have known this guy since I was in kindergarten. We went to the same K-8 school, High School, and college together. We have been friends for many years. He has dated other girls and I have dated other guys. After college he moved to another state but we kept in contact as just friends. Back in kindergarten his mom and my mom were really good friends and she always told my mom that she hopes her son ends up with a girl like me. Recently, I had my 20 year class reunion and he was there. I have not seen him since 2004. He told me that he has liked me for the longest time but never had the courage to tell me. He also told me that he recently moved back to our home state for a job transfer and only lives one hour away from me. When he was 24 years old he had a child and married the girl but they got divorced when he was 28. He has full custody of his daughter and the mom is not in the picture. I have never been married and I don’t have kids. I have dated other guys who have kids so it not an issue with me. I absolutely love kids because I am a pediatric doctor. I guess you are wondering why a girl who is 38 years old is not married well it’s because I have spent many years in medical school and have not had time to date much. Now that medical school is over I feel like now is the best time to settle down with just one person. The question I have is do you think I should go for this guy and take a chance on love and see where things go or should I stay friends with him. I am worried about our friendship and I don’t want to lose him as a friend. To be quite honest I have liked him for a very long time too. What do you think I should do?

Comment: Absolutely. Why wouldn’t you? You just said you’ve liked him for a very long time, you’re both single, and you have no problem with the fact he has a kid. Of course you should go for it. You’ll never know unless you try. I understand the thing about not wanting to ruin the friendship, but I guarantee you if you don’t try, you’ll always be wondering “what if?” You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Just remember that.

Hi Dr. Reality Steve,

I thought this might be a good opportunity to get a guy’s point of view on a subject I’m sure a lot of readers are familiar with.

I’m 25 and my husband is 31. We met 3 years ago and just recently got married this summer. Our relationship has been fantastic for the past 2 years, but for our first year, there was a lot of lying on his part about girls (who he talked to, texted, visited, etc). I eventually broke up with him over trust issues, but he reformed and became a wonderful and supportive and (most importantly) honest boyfriend, then fiance and husband. He did have one slip-up last year when he got me going through his phone (yes, I know, I shouldn’t be doing that) and while I didn’t find anything super suspicious, he sort of retaliated by sending flirty texts to other girls with the mindset that if I’m going to go through his phone because I don’t trust him, then he might as well send stuff. He realized that he did something stupid, apologized, and it’s been smooth sailing ever since.

The main reason I’m writing is my husband has a lot of female friends and, while I know most of them, there’s a few that live in different states and he never visits, but they text him pretty often. I work in a male-dominated industry and I have guy friends in the office and we’ll sometimes go out for beers or whatever, so I can relate to having friends of the opposite sex, but sometimes when he has his phone out, I see particularly one name at the top fairly often. We’ve had conversations about this girl and she’s married with a kid and is literally across the country. She dated his roommate back in college in 2002 so my husband says she’s always been “off-limits” because of guy code, but I just don’t understand this friendship. He pulled out his phone one day and showed me all their texts so I’d calm down and realize there was nothing fishy, but it just seems weird to me. They don’t text incessantly, but it has to be at least once every day or two. Another red flag for me is that they’re not Facebook friends because apparently her husband doesn’t trust MY husband, which makes me believe that at SOME point in their friendship, something fishy must’ve been going on. I don’t think anything is going on now but this girl just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to tell my husband to stop speaking to someone without a good reason and I know that it will just result in my husband resenting me, and probably still talking to this girl just out of spite. How do I handle this situation? Should I tell him it still makes me uncomfortable even if I don’t have a “good” reason? Should I just stop worrying about it since everything I’ve seen has been fairly innocent and he never physically sees her?

Sorry for the long e-mail, but I wanted to get all the details in and paint as good a picture as I could.

Comment: This one is easy. If it bothers you enough that he continues to talk to someone you feel uncomfortable about, then that should be enough for him. If he doesn’t want to change and wants to continue this text friendship with her, that’s a problem. It’s upsetting you. Shouldn’t your feelings come before hers?

And absolutely I think something happened with them back in the day. Especially since her husband is leery of your husband as well. There’s obviously some past that you may or may not ever find out about. But the fact of the matter is, it’s bothering you enough to tell him and he’s still defending her and their relationship.

Granted, he never physically sees her but I do find it odd he continues to text another woman friend of his every other day. What’s the point? What do they talk about? Not to say that a married guy can’t have female friends or vice versa. But to text that incessantly with someone out of state just seems a bit strange.

Hi Steve

I’m hoping that Dr Reality Steve can shed some light on this situation! I’m 27, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a little over a year ago. We were together for 6 years, and friends since high school before that. The relationship could have been over sooner than it was, but we were both reluctant to let it go because it had been so long. Ultimately though, we are better as friends. After we broke up, I started to date a bit, but nothing really progressed. I only wanted something casual at first, so it was mostly fine, but there were two guys I did develop feelings for. One was here for a work contract and had to go home for 6 months. We hadn’t known each other long enough to commit to a long distance relationship, but intended to keep in contact. Since he left we have only chatted a few times, so it kind of fizzled out. The second one didn’t tell me until after we started dating that he had a girlfriend.

After that ended, my friends came to the conclusion that I “only” date assholes. I don’t think that’s necessarily true, but can admit that particular guy was a bad choice. I met someone through one of my friends not long after who asked me out. My friends tried to push me to date him because he is a nice guy, but I didn’t feel that way about him, so decided against it.

Fast forward about 3 months. A few weeks ago I got back in contact with an old friend who I hadn’t seen in 2 years. We used to be close and I often wondered if there was something there, or if it was just friendly flirting. We were both in relationships in the past so we never acknowledged it. I considered him to be a nice guy, not for any major reason, just small things like lending a jacket or taking me home after too many drinks (and sleeping on the floor). When we were talking recently, I found that he and his girlfriend broke up about 6 months ago. We saw each other again a week later, and we hooked up. I was thinking that maybe my friends were right about the nice guy thing, until he told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship. I realize his break up wasn’t that long ago, and I don’t want to be a rebound. I’m also going to be working in a different state for a few months next year, which I told him about, so it may not be the best timing. Or he just isn’t that into me.

It’s an obvious cliche that women chase after bad boys and ignore nice guys. But here is my question; when a guy you know is an asshole treats you badly, you can’t really complain because you knew he was asshole. But when a nice guy rejects you, what are we supposed to think? Should I just accept that because he brushed me off, he wasn’t really a good guy to begin with? Or could it be more complicated than that?

Comment: But you said you’re moving to another state for a few months, so how did he reject you? Just because he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you? You even said you don’t want to be a rebound, yet seem a bit mad at him for not wanting to be in a relationship with you. Just because a guy doesn’t want to be with you doesn’t mean he’s an asshole. There could be any number of reasons why Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t want to be with you, and it’s possible none of them actually have to do with you. Maybe he’s insecure? Maybe he’s not fully over his ex? Or the timing sucks. Maybe he likes you but doesn’t see it long term? I think you’re being too hard on the guy just because he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship.

Big fan, been reading since Jake’s season. I have a Dr. Reality question for you. It’s short and sweet: How would you go about breaking up with your live-in boyfriend/girlfriend? One that wouldn’t see it coming nor like it?

Comment: Uhhhhh, you kinda just have to do it. I’ve lived with one girl in my life. We lived together for 9 months and I broke up with her and asked her to move out. Trust me, it won’t be easy, and it’ll be quite uncomfortable until the day all their stuff is moved out and they’re gone. No one ever said breakups are easy.

The one thing you should try to do (if possible), is once you break the news, and once you tell them to move out, try and spend as many nights as you can away from your place. If you have family you can stay with, do that. That’s what I did. Coming home to that person who will obviously be pissed at you (especially since you said they’re not gonna see it coming) will only lead to long talks you probably want, and fights you don’t want to get into since it’s over. It’s not going to be a pretty situation regardless, so just remove yourself from it as much as you can.

Back with the live video blog tonight at 9PM EST/6PM PST. Send all regular and “Dr. Reality Steve” emails to: To follow me on Twitter, it’s: Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tonight.

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  1. colonlc10

    September 13, 2012 at 11:14 AM

    Hmmmmmmm Sean. Not sure how I feel about him being the Bach but it might be ok. He seems like a nice guy and will probably have a “hard time” saying bye to the women he doesn’t choose. I wonder if there will be any crazies like Courtney this time around. Didn’t care for her but she did bring the drama which is what the network wants!!!! I would have like Jef to be the Bach but instead he has to deal with the Princess now. ;o) Please don’t bring Erica back for the next BP if there is one………….her gavel banging is enough already. Go away! ;o)

  2. karynr

    September 13, 2012 at 11:28 AM

    I’m bummed about Sean. I sure hope they bring on some interesting women, becasue IMO he is as bland as they come!

  3. iheartvino

    September 13, 2012 at 11:37 AM

    I’m fine with Sean being the Bachelor. I agree with Steve in that the contestants are the ones that make it an entertaining season, regardless of who the lead is. I just hope that Sean doesn’t allow Fleiss and Co. to manipulate and control every single decision he makes. Sean seems like a decent guy and I’m looing forward to watching his season.

  4. jessica1

    September 13, 2012 at 12:14 PM

    I was thinking about how future votes might go — and I think the only leverage any final couple will have to “force” each other to Share might be this:

    You might trust them but you should constantly assert to them, that if they don’t intend to Share and if you even get a whiff that they will vote to Keep, you will purposely vote Keep as well, to force the money to go to panel of contestants.

    They either Share or get nothing.

    Of course, the other contestants will try to put doubt into the finalists heads that they are lying to each other, to get them to vote Keep and give the money “away”.

    So it’s all a mess-with-your-mind game anyway.

  5. jessica1

    September 13, 2012 at 12:16 PM

    And by the way folks….did I see that ABC is doing a REVENGE MARATHON THIS SUNDAY?!?!?

    And I’m out of town….why why why?!


  6. bigfatwoman

    September 13, 2012 at 12:33 PM

    As long as he doesn’t open his mouth and they don’t show his lanugo covered face — I’m good with this choice.

  7. JovisMom

    September 13, 2012 at 1:06 PM

    I’m excited that Sean is the Bachelor. I didn’t care of Emily being the Bachelorette cause she alreaty “won” same with Reberto he “won” Ali’s season. Oh well…. I’ll have to do some looking around for Sean in Dallas. I wonder where he hangs out?

  8. laney2012

    September 13, 2012 at 1:34 PM

    I must be behind the times, because I don’t recall hearing about the final 4 splitting the money last year. Did that come up during the finale or afterwards? Anyone have any details?

  9. nicolerh1975

    September 13, 2012 at 1:51 PM

    I’m excited Sean is the next bachelor. He is a nice guy and HOT!

  10. iheartvino

    September 13, 2012 at 2:04 PM

    @jessica1- I was excited about the Revenge marathon too, but I looked at the listings and they’re only showing four episodes for the marathon. (Pilot, Daniel’s proposal to Emily episode, the engagement party episode, and the finale) It’s the same episodes ABC has available to watch online now.

    Regardless, we’re getting much closer to Sept. 30! 🙂

  11. iheartvino

    September 13, 2012 at 2:17 PM

    @jessica1, my bad, they’re only showing three episodes on Sun. I think it’s the ones I listed above except for the one where Daniel proposes.

  12. nora j

    September 13, 2012 at 3:26 PM

    I think Sean will make a good bachelor…or at least he deserves to be the bachelor….he seems serious about finding someone and settling down. I preferred to see Arie but I’m at least glad it’s Sean over Roberto.

  13. nora j

    September 13, 2012 at 3:30 PM

    wtf I doubt Rachel could/should/would sue Nick. That would be ridiculous. It’s a game show. If someone can sue someone for that…the options for the ending would be pointless.

  14. nora j

    September 13, 2012 at 3:34 PM

    Oh yeah…Rachel didn’t “deserve” the money any more than Nick. She maybe had more friends than he did but that’s about it. She didn’t really do much the whole show. Of course i don’t blame her for being mad..i would be too but I mean Nick wasn’t anymore wrong than Rachel not picking Jaclyn to go into the finals…she took away the chance for $125k-$250k for her own good friend…because of money.

  15. nora j

    September 13, 2012 at 5:23 PM

    sorry but I’m laughing that RS even brought up Rachel suing Nick…that is SO dumb cuz it’s a game show…that option is out there. Otherwise Rachel should have just raised her hand and said “well we don’t need to do the ending cuz Nick and I have a verbal contract that we’re both gonna pick Share” lol.

  16. azak

    September 13, 2012 at 6:33 PM

    Law student here. FYI, verbal agreements over $500 are not enforceable…anything over $500 has to be in writing. A lot of factors depend on whether or not this would be an enforceable contract, but if he just promised to give her half, it’s not valid. A contract consists of an offer, acceptance, and consideration. Nick would have nothing to gain by giving her half, so there would be no consideration as well. No contract.

  17. azak

    September 13, 2012 at 6:36 PM

    I just realized that I was thinking about the sale of goods for the over $500 situation, so that doesn’t apply. I still don’t think there would be consideration here, though.

  18. oyoung1117

    September 13, 2012 at 7:54 PM

    So excited Sean is the next bachelor! This is the first bachelor since Jason I am actually excited about and on board with. I like handsome, nice, all-American boys! He is going to be great. And since I actually like him I’ll actually be more invested in who he picks. While with Ben, I thought he deserved Courtney and they made a perfect narcissistic pair, Brad has always got on my nerves and I just didn’t care. And Jake, what can one say about Jake? He was awful and he chose Vienna for heaven’s sake! I am so glad it isn’tRoberto!

  19. linds

    September 13, 2012 at 9:00 PM

    I wonder if the story about Sean has to do with Emily Obrien. They seem to flirt it up a bit on twitter. Just a guess. I saw that the other day she told some girl she dodged a bullet by not waving at Sean at the park. I assumed it was sarcasm. Anyway…

  20. linds

    September 13, 2012 at 9:02 PM

    I just happened to look at Sean’s twitter because of the rumor he was the next bachelor (which is obviously true).

  21. DawsMA

    September 14, 2012 at 8:36 AM

    Linds, good point. I was wondering if there was a romance brewing between Sean and Emily O’Brien, and perhaps he wouldn’t take the gig over it. Seems she is taking the grade school tactic of teasing the boy she likes. Guess it didn’t pan out this time since he’s about to meet/date 25 other ladies!

  22. Meghan

    September 14, 2012 at 9:17 AM

    Wow Steve, you couldn’t have included even ONE email from someone who disagreed with you??

    Not excited at all about Sean. He seems like a good guy, but kind of bland, and I don’t find him that attractive. Such a shame they didn’t go with Arie!

  23. pdxfan

    September 14, 2012 at 3:50 PM

    I’ve been thinking about how all of this will change as a result of Nick’s decision, too. If I were on the show, and felt like sharing the money at the end, I would tell my partner that I was definitely choosing “Keep” no matter what, in order to not get scooped. I would make it extremely clear that there was no way I was varying from that plan, BUT that I was committed to sharing the money with my partner if I won it. It is possible that they could be so angry by my aggressiveness that they could choose “keep” just to keep me from having any, but I’d be willing to bet that wouldn’t happen given the backdrop of the previous decision and the sum of money involved.

  24. swills13

    September 14, 2012 at 4:09 PM

    @azak, no offense meant, but you might want to hit the books a bit harder before you graduate/ take the bar, as your analysis comes up a bit short. You are correct as to the required elements of a valid contract, but there is absolutely consideration here if there was an agreement. The consideration would be the promise of each to “share,” thus giving up the potential to receive $250k (meeting the requirement of a legal detriment needed for consideration). Similarly, there is detrimental reliance by Rachel if she voted “share” because of the agreement. If there was an agreement, the terms of the BP contract (and inclusion of waiver of rights to sue) would probably be the determining factor. RS apparently doesn’t understand how legal fees work, either, when he said that Nick would have to pay legal fees if Rachel sues. Generally, the winning side in such a case can get the court to order the losing side to reimburse their legal fees. Either way, I love Nick’s decision.

  25. lcs85

    September 15, 2012 at 7:22 PM

    I think I would choose keep if I was too be in such a position. Yes, there is the risk that your partner chooses keep as well and you get nothing, but if you choose share, then you run the risk of your partner choosing keep and loosing half of it. Choosing keep would just ensure that if I did get the money I would get it all 🙂

  26. jessica1

    September 15, 2012 at 9:01 PM

    pdxfan – airport fan? hmmm

    You say they should vote Keep but then share, I think they should vote Share but if suspect double-cross, they should force a double-keep vote and be forced to give all away.

    If this show comes back, there won’t be a single sane contestant at the end; so much “what will he/she do”, especially after Nicks vote.

    But I bet the producers will NEVER EVER let a lovey dovey couple win again. They’ll manipulate to get a high controversy, deceitful couple to the finals.

  27. rollingeyes

    September 17, 2012 at 10:28 AM

    @jessica1….your ignorance is showing. pdxfan doesn’t mean they are a fan of the airport. I moved to Porland, OR a few months ago, and I came to realize the people in Portland refer to the city itself as “PDX”…..not just the airport. It is just a nickname. My assumption (and you know what they say about assuming things – but I’m sure my assumption is closer than yours) is that pdxfan is just a “fan from Portland”.

    That said……hello to pdxfan from another Portlander. I am loving it here!

  28. rollingeyes

    September 17, 2012 at 10:30 AM

    Crap…..yes you spelling nazis, I missed the “t” in my first “Portland”…..wouldn’t be my first mis-spelling, won’t be my last. Love to you all.

  29. jessica1

    September 17, 2012 at 11:32 PM

    rollingeyes – ah yes, the usual inclusive, friendly banter we’ve all come to know and love. it was A JOKE. I know exactly what it is and i was saying hi to A FELLOW NW’r. Just pointing out the *name* has a double meaning….

    you are well named and your attempt at snark was wasted. go back to the pearl and pretend to be a hipster.

    to pdx, if you took offense, none meant.

  30. Dianne

    September 18, 2012 at 7:49 AM

    girls, girls..claws in please, claws in!

  31. JovisMom

    September 18, 2012 at 12:49 PM

    I’m from Dallas and we refer to our city as DFW for Dallas Fort Worth…

  32. serpephone

    September 19, 2012 at 3:37 PM

    I too am from Dallas… DFW… had no idea PDX is Portland..

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