Dr. Reality Steve
I’m the girl who sent in the question about the ex boyfriend who was really sweet and helpful over the summer with classes and was wondering if he had intentions. I have a follow-up question if that’s ok.
Oh, I’ll quickly address the hilarious email you got the following week from the reader who thinks my ex is gay. Made me laugh a lot and I really appreciated that someone found my situation interesting enough to write in. I really don’t think he’s gay, unless he’s reeeeeeeeally good at faking his interest in the physical aspect of our relationship. Interesting thought though.
When I returned to school, I ran into that ex a couple times. Once was at a club. I said hi and he immediately pulled me to the dance floor and tried to kiss me. I stopped him and told him that I didn’t want to go from a girl he claimed to be serious about to a drunken hook-up.
He then pulled me off the dance floor, asked if I wanted brutal honesty and then essentially spilled his heart out to me. He said he has realized he is sick of being alone, that he thinks about me all the time, that I’m exactly what he wants long-term and that he’s ready to see if we can last. I freaked out because I wasn’t expecting any of it, told him I didn’t think we’d work because we’re so different and he made me promise to at least think about it. I then went back to my friends but he kept texting me and asking to see me. He could easily have hooked up with other girls that night (his usual scene), but instead spent the entire time trying to win me over. I left feeling completely overwhelmed, responding to his texts in a way that probably sounded like I wanted him to go away. I just wanted to wrap my head around things when I was sober.
The next day he texted me apologizing for “acting a bit over the top” and claimed he remembered absolutely nothing he said to me. When I told him everything he said and my response, he said that he obviously can’t hide that he still has strong feelings for me, BUT he’s at the same point he was a year and a half ago – he’s got too much going on in his life right now for a serious relationship (why we broke up in the first place). Obviously I still have strong feelings for the guy but I am being 100% honest when I say it was a bit of a relief that he didn’t want us to get back together after all, because I really don’t think we would work. So don’t worry, I know to just leave him be.
That being said, I can’t help but wonder – Why would he say those things in the first place? Do guys “create” feelings they don’t have when they’re drunk? Or do you think he was just trying to save face when he sobered up and realized I shut him down all night? I’ve had plenty of guy friends try to sleep with me when drunk, but never reasoning through why we should be together and following me around like that. What do you think – are a drunken man’s words a sober man’s thoughts? I really want to stay friends with him to some extent and I want to know what I’m dealing with.
Comment: Your dude is a chick. He said all that in one night, then the next day went with the age old, tired, typical drunk girl response of “I don’t remember any of it?” Total BS. He tried that on you to see if you’d bite, you didn’t, so he retracted it the next day by saying he didn’t remember doing it. Don’t be fooled. Sorry, but one of the biggest pet peeves I have is people who use alcohol as an excuse for their behavior, things they said, etc. Such a cop out. And if you’re over the age of, oh I don’t know, 25, and you use that stuff, it drives me batty.
I’m older than you and the folks who write the doctor are younger so I get a little confused with some terminology. What exactly is meant by “hooking up”? I gather it’s not having full-on sex, but does it always imply sexual activity or is it just flirting?
Comment: Different people have different definitions. When I use it to describe certain couples from this franchise, I try and be as clear as I can. But certain people will always take it to mean sex, and others will take it to mean something less. All depends on the context in which it’s used I guess.
Hi Steve. I’m a long time reader ever since I started following your site for spoilers on Ashley H’s season.
I need some advice. I recently reconnected with the son of a former childhood neighbor on Facebook. The son is now the lead singer of a popular local band and someone that I have secretly harbored a crush on for quite some time. When we started talking, he admitted to having feelings for me and things were amazing until a mutual friend of ours texted me a photo of my friend with his arm around the waist of a very attractive blonde woman (Fan? Groupie?)at one of his concerts. This made me lose my cool thinking the woman was suddenly my competition and accuse him of cheating on me in just a week of dating each other. He then defriended me on Facebook which devastated me since I really wanted things to work out between us (I’m 30, he’s 22). I tried sending him a mea culpa via my sister’s Facebook to try and apologize but never heard back. Steve, I really like him and wanted him for almost 3 years. Is there any hope of him ever coming back??
Comment: Probably not. Why’d you freak out on a guy you were dating for a week? And I’m sorry, but this is a relationship you probably shouldn’t be in any way. If a FB picture of him with his arm around the waist of a girl after a show caused you to freak out like that, pretty much tells me there’s no way you’d be able to handle dating a guy in a band. I’m sure you’re aware of the life of musicians. Go ask Jason Aldean’s wife what she thinks of groupies. Or any other musician for that matter. Probably best you stay away because you’re not gonna be able to handle his lifestyle.
Is this guy one of the skater guys from Emblem3?
So this is my first time ever writing to you – but I definitely need a guy’s perspective on this one! Hopefully this isn’t too many more details than you want…
So I have this friends with benefits. We’ve never discussed what it is officially, it’s pretty obvious that’s what it is. It’s a pretty new thing, and we have fun hanging out. Well the other night we went back to his place, and pretty shortly after getting into business, my friend went soft so we had to stop. To be honest, this hasn’t ever happened to me with another guy (and no I didn’t tell him that!). It was obvious he felt bad about it – his exact words were “I feel like an asshole” (which I also felt like was an odd response). I asked if I did anything wrong and also told him that maybe it was because of the condom or that he worked all day (he landscapes, plus we had some beer in us), but as I could imagine, nothing I could say to him could really sugarcoat it or make him feel better.
My question isn’t what went wrong (I know there’s a myriad of reasons) – but more so what is the best way to handle this? I suppose part of the issue is that since we aren’t serious, we can’t read each other well yet. When it comes to our benefits thing we don’t really discuss it (he’s awkward), so I figure this would be a bad way to initiate talking about it, as I’m guessing he might be embarrassed or feel awkward (I mean isn’t that every guy’s worse nightmare?). I suppose if it’s awkward from now we can just end it – but I’d really like us to stay friends, as I do feel our friendship has grown a bit during this (but I don’t see it as a relationship). I know the cliche about risking losing a friendship when you start hooking up with a friend, but our friendship didn’t get strong until after we start hooking up (or maybe he was just trying to get ass the whole time). I’m wondering if there’s a possible way to just be friends again. To be honest too, I’ve been thinking of ending the benefits part anyway, but I feel the timing would be too much a of coincidence and probably not good for his ego, especially if I’d like to salvage a friendship still.
I’d love to hear a guy’s perspective on how they’d feel (I’m sure you’ll be basing this from a “friend” of yours…). How does a guy feel afterwards towards somebody that saw him lose his mojo? Can we get past it?
Comment: Uhhhhhhh, I’m kinda confused on how you want me to answer this. If you guys really aren’t that close, just laugh it off and don’t bring it up. If it keeps happening again and again, then he should probably see a doctor. Or pop the little blue pill. But you said you don’t even know if you want to continue the benefits anymore, so, I don’t know what exactly the answer is you’re looking for. If you end the benefits, you’ll never have to worry about it again. If not, just don’t bring it up unless it becomes an issue every time.
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