Not too many “Dr. Reality Steve” questions this week, so I’ll just put them all on one page. Although, we do get one of the most random emails ever this week. Good Lord.
I know your Dr. Steve questions are normally romantic questions. This one isn’t but I just need advice from a non biased person.
I am an RN on the night shift on an acute care floor. We have a lot of very sick people on our floor, and emergencies happen quite often. Work lately has been highly stressful, with higher acuity people and we are super short staffed.
The staff is made up of RN’s and nurse’s aides. The problem is this. I am in my early 40’s. I consider myself to have a very strong work ethic. I am there, number one, to take care of the patients the very best way I know how. This isn’t to say I don’t want to be friendly to my coworkers and laugh and have a good time when the time allows. But work comes first. It always does. I am in the minority here. Many of my coworkers are here to get paid to do as little as possible. I have one CNA who is actually falsifying information, entering things into patient’s records that weren’t actually done. This has been reported and nothing was done about it. I have one who pretty well goes on break the moment she gets there and is terribly bothered by the times she has to get up off her butt and work. The issue is this, I am unpopular and have people complaining to the management about me. They say I treat them disrespectfully, belittle them, etc. I truly don’t feel I speak disrespectfully to anyone. But I do expect people to work and I express that. Stories are made up about me to make them look better so they can try to get rid of me.
The hospital I work for is kind of hard to get your foot in the door. I make pretty decent money, and it’s overall a good corporation. I don’t want to leave my job but I’m sick of being the bad guy because I have a strong work ethic, and OMG!!! I want other people to work too.
I realize a lot of this is the generation gap. I just don’t know how to make people realize that this truly is life and death. This just is not an exaggeration. We have people, a lot of them lately it seems, who have strokes, heart attacks, blood clots, etc. And the only way we can help people is if we are doing our jobs and not sitting around doing nothing. I am so frustrated I don’t know what to do. The management only seems to care about being politically correct and keeping the peace and doesn’t take any disciplinary action. We have a manager who is supposed to be around on night shift to see some of these things but never is. My only choice to keep the peace is to accept the fact that I have to do my job and their job both and just let them sit and do nothing. Then they like me. Or continue to ask people to do their jobs and continue to have them go to the manager and complain about me.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Comment: Since I know absolutely nothing about that industry, I figured this person would be much better served hearing from someone who actually is an RN, so I forwarded this email to a friend of mine who’s an RN, and this was her answer:
“Ok, first off: your #1 priority is patient safety! As an advocate for your patient, something should be done regarding the falsifying of records. There is something called the “Chain of Command”. We all learned this in nursing school. If you are going to your nurse manager and she/he is blatantly dropping the ball, then it is your duty to go to the next person in charge: the Nursing Director. This not only protects your patients, it protects you. Keep a detailed record of these instances so that your ass is protected when, and if, something comes up.
When you say ” ‘they’ complain about me”… Who is complaining exactly? The CNA’s or other RN’s? You are in charge of CNA’s and are expected to delegate tasks to them. If they complain, then too bad. They should be doing their job. If other RN’s are unfriendly towards you, well, that might be another issue. Where I work we are a team… We have our moments, but mostly everybody is friendly with one another. There are some that I’d rather chew off my own arm than associate with because they are know-it-alls and not very friendly. You can be a work horse all you like, but smiling and being friendly does NOT take time away from your work.
My advice: smile more (even if it kills you), keep a LOG of your complaints to management, and sit tight. These days it’s tougher than nails to work as an RN in acute care. There are people that would kill to be in your position, drama or not.”
First I want to say how much I enjoy your writing- I just love your sense of humor while actually just stating facts. I also want to thank you from your readers for not “backing down” when it comes to your lawsuit. I think a lot of people may have done that not wanting to “take on” ABC. So thank you for continuing to do such a great job.
My question is a tough one. I’ve been involved with a man for two years now and we are currently engaged. We have a great relationship and I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. We have issues like everyone else- money etc, but we always seem to be able to work together to get thru them. However, he was married before and has two children- 20 and 14. I am not just saying this because she is an “ex” but this woman is unbelievable. She is as lazy as are her children (the 20 year old has a baby and does not work or have a driver’s license) and the mother is collecting disability. She has let her 14 year old daughter quit school without her father even being made aware of this until he called the school and she is allowing the 14 year old to date a 24 year old guy. When my fiancé questions- they all lie and say things like “he’s not 24”, “she doing school on line” always excuses. That is one of the reasons he wanted a divorce- lazy and always drama.
My fiancé pays child support and pays the mortgage on the house until the 14 year old is 18. Last month she didn’t pay the electric bill and she got a shut off notice. We had to come up with $500 so that she wouldn’t have her heat turned off. My fiancé feels responsible because his 14 year old daughter lives there, but they have done things like this time and time again.
With that being said- as much as I love him and we don’t argue about anything else- I am afraid to take that walk down the aisle because I am not sure I want to commit the rest of my life to dealing with them. It’s always something with them and I am unable to accept that we have to take care of “all three of them” for the rest of their lives. I hate to lose the man that I’ve waited for my entire life and let her “win”, but I’m not sure I can deal with it.
Steve, what is your advice? Do I set this one thing aside (we all have baggage) or is this enough to re-think marriage?
Thanks so much for your thoughts- have a great weekend.
Comment: Tough situation since your fiancé isn’t doing anything wrong, but you’re stuck married into a dysfunctional mess. So does his mortgage payments to his ex-wife’s house, along with child support to her, put a burden on the life you have with him? And if his ex-wife is as much of a hot mess as you say she is, this doesn’t seem to be getting better anytime soon. I agree that we all have baggage, every single one of us, but there are degrees to people’s baggage. His is pretty heavy I’d say. This is your call. Personally, I could never deal with that type of baggage, but that’s just me. Then again, I would never get involved with someone with a crazy ass ex like that and with teenage kids to begin with. But you seem to be happy outside of what strain the ex puts on your relationship. You just have to determine if you think it’s something you will be able to deal with long term. Tough one.
Here’s an issue that I’ve been dealing with for quite some time, and other women might have as well.
I have been seeing my boyfriend (I’m 54, he’s 60) for several years now, we don’t live together, but see each other at least 3 times a week, sometimes more. Believe it or not, even at our age we are still very sexual beings, and I enjoy the time that we have together immensely. I never knew that it could be so good after all these years, never had this kind of sexual gratification when I was younger. So my question is, even though we are “together” at the very least 3 times a week, he still feels the need to huh, how shall I say it, “spank the monkey” and I just can’t wrap my head around the reason for WHY? He tells me it’s not the same as being with me, and it’s a guy thing. So I was hoping that you could tell me if it IS a guy thing, and that it isn’t the same thing as being with the one that you love? I feel as though I am not enough for him, or are not doing everything that I can to make him sexually happy, even though he tells me countless times that being with me is the best that he has ever had. Should I take it personally that he wanks when the need arises, or should I just be happy with what I have, and not give him a hard time on occasion? And is REALLY is a guy thing that every guy does?
I hope this is not too explicit for you blog, I just don’t know who else to ask that would not look at me like I was crazy–although you might, I just won’t see you…Thanks for your help…
Comment: Now I’ve heard it all. Gulp. It’s what guys do. I don’t know what else to tell ya.’ But thanks for the visual. I appreciate it.
I should probably just shut down “Dr. Reality Steve” forever after that one. I mean, how’s that gonna get topped? Lets go back 15 years and ask an up-and-coming sports radio broadcaster Steve if he thought 15 years later he’d be giving an “advice” column on a reality TV website and getting asked about 60 year old men spanking their monkey and “wanking.” Amazing.
So I have a problem…
Sometimes I think that my guy friends like me, but I don’t like them like that at all. But then for some reason when I see them with another girl, I feel jealousy.
Why do you think this is? Could it be that I actually do like them like that and I’m just telling myself I don’t? Or is it because it makes me feel like I was wrong about their feelings so it makes me wish they actually did like me? Do I just want to feel wanted? I just really don’t know. Hmm…
Comment: Neither do I. Maybe you just like the chase, and by knowing guys already like you, that’s not interesting to you. But hearing that they like someone else, now they seem unattainable, so that makes you like them. You always want what you can’t have. Why not just ask them if they’re interested in you rather than play these guessing games?
Dr Reality Steve,
I want a guy’s opinion so I thought I would run this by you.
I met a guy last December (2011) on the phone at work. We hit it off and talked and text every day. We live 1,000 miles apart. We wanted to meet so I flew out there in August to meet him (he bought my ticket). We had a great time. After I got back home we started to Skype. He bought me an engagement ring (but never gave it to me) as well as the laptop so we could skype and he bought me a necklace and gave it to me when I was out there in August. He was supposed to visit me in October, but couldn’t make it cuz he had an anxiety attack while driving out here. I didn’t even know he had anxiety issues. Anyway, what I’m confused about is the last few months he keeps breaking things off saying he needs to step back then after a while he says he misses me and we start talking again. Until recently that is it’s been a month and i haven’t heard from him. Everything changed between us for some reason after he tried to drive here. That’s where you come in why do you think it changed between us? I feel like I am an easy person to leave cuz that’s what guys do to me.
Please email me your thoughts or questions. I would really love a guy’s opinion. It would help me more than you know.
Comment: In first couple sentences I started thinking to myself “Catfish! Catfish! Catfish!,” but then she said they’d met then Skyped and that go thrown out the window. Dammit.
I don’t know the guy so I have no idea if his anxiety issues are legit, but something seems way off about this relationship. You said you met in Dec. 2011, but didn’t meet him for the first time until August when he bought you a ticket out there and you had a great time. Ok, fine. Granted one meeting in 7 months doesn’t seem to be a lot no matter how much you talked, but whatever. You said things went great. But then you say he bought you an engagement ring but never gave it to you. Did he ever propose? Or he just bought one with the intention to propose, but never did?
Judging from his most recent actions, and the fact you haven’t heard from him in a month, obviously he’s not interested anymore. There could be a number of reasons why a guy has chosen not to contact you for a month, and none of them are because he wants to be with you. Drop this guy and move on. It’s a waste.
As for you saying you’re an easy person to leave because that’s what guys do to you, well, it sounds like you’ve got some personal things that you need to work through before you get in any relationship. Especially with guys who live 1,000 miles away from you with anxiety issues that buy you engagement rings after one meeting but give it to you. Move on.
Dear Dr. Steve,
First of all let me tell you that I love your honesty and cynicism! Reading your blog is really refreshing and brings me back to a world, where not everybody is wearing rose-colored glasses and celebrates their happiest days of their lives every single day (all my friends are about to get married and have kids, so you see what I have to live with…)
Anyway, I was wondering: What do you have to offer in a relationship?
A guy ask me that same questions several weeks ago and he totally caught me off guard! I spent most of my live trying to figure out what my perfect boyfriend would look like (you know, intelligent, but not aware of his intelligence, funny, nerdy, spontaneous and not too romantic… now that I think about it that sounds like a weird combination. Probably the reason why I haven’t met him yet. Maybe I should give it another thought..) and then this guy comes along and basically tells me that I wouldn’t get what I want anyway because I’m not good enough! Boy, was I perplexed..
So after recovering from this shock (and telling his ex-wife what a moron her ex is) I wondered whether I’m the only person in the world that doesn’t exactly know what I have to offer, or is it normal not to know? For me it feels kind of arrogant and narcissistic to say “What I have to offer? That’s easy: First of all I’m really good at…”
What do you think? Do you know what you have to offer in a relationship?
I apologize in advance for my bad language skills, as you might have guessed, english isn’t my first language 😉
PS: Did it ever occur to you that Sean’s beach volleyball team lost because he actually wanted them to lose, so he could spend more time with the more attractive girls in the opposite team?
Comment: Well, I’m certainly not going to sit here and talk about my personal/dating life since it’s something I rarely ever do, but to answer your question, no, I don’t think it’s arrogant and narcissistic to think what you can offer someone in a relationship. Was this a guy who you were dating that asked you this, or just some random friend? Seems kinda harsh to say to someone whether they were dating you or not. You should feel confident in what you can offer someone in a relationship. Have I asked myself privately what I could offer? Sure. But that’s for me and the person I’m eventually going to be with to know. It’s one of these things that if other people can’t see it in you, then they’re probably not the one for you. Tell this bloke to piss off. What a turd.
Dear Dr Reality Steve,
I am 24 years old and I have this guy friend that I really like. I have known him for about 6 years, but we lost contact for awhile and we have been talking again for about a year now. When we first became friends we were both 19, he told me he liked me, but we never started dating because at that stage I liked somebody else. After that we lost contact for a little while.
Lately, we have been seeing a lot of each other and my feelings towards him have changed. We have both matured so much and he is almost a different person to me now. Problem is he is giving me crazy mixed signals! He calls me and texts me every now and again, when I ask him to come out with my friends and I he always comes (even to silly things like karaoke), he always compliments what I am wearing, when we have a meal out together he always pays and just the other night he insisted on picking me up from home and we went and met my friends for a night out. Then on the other hand, he will do things like not reply to texts until several hours later or not at all, not call me for a week if I don’t think to call him first, or if we are on the phone cuts our conversation short. Its like he does something to show me he likes me, freaks out and then tries to act distant to take it back. Its so frustrating!
When we are together the conversation is never ending, we have so much in common. He has recently had family problems (his parents got a divorce) and he talks to me about it all the time. Also, he is not working at the moment as he is finding it hard to find a full time job after college.
He has told me before that he is not ready for a relationship given everything happening with his family and his job situation. Just FYI his parents divorce was very very messy and still is (his father was violent throughout the marriage). I know he likes me because his best friend told me he does. He has never made a move like try to kiss me or anything, but sometimes when I see him he will give me a hug and let it linger a little…
I really like him but I don’t know what to do? I don’t know if he is using his family and job situation as an excuse? Should I just forget him and move on or wait around and see what happens because I like him so much? Does it sound like he might get his act together soon and make a move?
Thanks for reading!
Comment: If you like guys that don’t make a move and hide behind excuses and go weeks at a time without contacting you, then by all means, keep with this guy and hopefully he’ll come around at some point. Otherwise, I’d stop considering him as boyfriend potential and just keep it as friends. I’m sure his parents going through a divorce isn’t fun for him, but you said he talks to you about it. Then on the other hand, you said he sometimes doesn’t reply to texts or not call you for a week. Not to mention he says he’s not ready for a relationship. That right there should tell you to keep it at a friendship level and see what else is out there.
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